friday..

chinese new year is coming...but i'm not excited at all..not in the new year mood..instead, i feel loads of assignments piling up...i think i probably won't go to labuan with my mom on sunday...wish to sleep for whole day long...

suddenly i'm very determined again to improve my health...how many times have i been saying this...quite a lot yeah..but everytime i just lost track...

wish i could just stay at home and rest in the afternoon...but i can't..have to go to school to compile all the data we'd got from yesterday pigeon watching..then have to buy steamboat ingredients for tomorrow's night..
i guess tonight i'll have to sleep early so i won't be too tired tomorrow after i reach home...
i always feel energetic in school..do everything that i should do...then still ok when i drive home..but by the time i step into my house, all the exhaustion just overwhelm me...so if i have to finish some work at home..i mustn't let myself rest first...'cause i'll never go back to my work again...
i feel like i've got so much to catch up..but i'm sure i can do it...as long as i make good use of my time...at first, i was thinking to finish the report for yesterday work by saturday..but it'd be too rush and don't think i can do a good one...so i think i'll just relax and enjoy the chinese new year first before settle down to do my work...
thank god the holiday is tuesday..if it's on wednesday, i'll have a lot of make-up classes..i don't like that..because me and tek ying are in the odd semester so it's hard to find a time for replacement class...our timetable always clashes with others'...
maybe i should try gambling this chinese new year...not that i don't know how to gamble..just..usually my desire to play only hit me once in a very long while...

have to think for a storyline for our computer project..have to make a short cartoon...hmm...i wonder does it have to do with what i'm studying..whenever i think of what to do for any project or presentation..the first thing that pop up in my mind is something about environment conservation...hehe..maybe it's hinting me my direction for the future...
last night on erm..i forgot which channel...it's either the national geographical or animal planet...i saw the process of an elephant giving birth to an offspring...the baby was sooooo cute...the mother is kept in captive..so the whole pregnancy was taken care by the professional people...it was a relief to see the elephant came out from his mother body...because the baby was once stucked in the birth canal and had possibility to be suffocated..in the end, the people gave the mother elephant a shot of oxytocin....i can't imagine what if the elephant were in the wild..who's there to offer help...but..nature always has its way to make things right i suppose...

i felt a bit guilty to talk about my family the way i did last week...i was too angry with them...till i forgot how much they have given me....
but now i've got over it...and i'm still glad with my own life...maybe sometimes i'll still complain about the number of things i need to do with so limited time..but i still love my life..still think i'm very fortunate...
a lot of the time..good and bad..are just like the sides of a coin...i hope i can always remember to toss the coin again when i have the bad side facing me...

nothing to do now...but i don't feel like touching books...i'll just read the practical schedule for tomorrow morning later at night...i'm more looking forward to the afternoon practical though..we're going to learn how to collect live specimen and how to prepare them into slides...
compare to lab practical..i really prefer field practical...like yesterday, we went to seri to observe the pigeons...my family think it's crazy...because i have to leave home before 6 in the morning...sometimes i just wish so much that i can talk about what i find interesting about my study with someone at home...
i found out that..although both are driving in darkness...driving in the morning is still different from driving at night...maybe because during the night, i know it's late..but in the morning, i know i can expect the sun is 'waking up' soon...but i can still remember the ease i felt when i passed the area where the lamp posts weren't working...i guess i just won't make a night person..

jia gei wo - alex toh

i like that song...alex toh's songs are always romantic...i mean his love songs...i'm sure this song, 'jia gei wo' (marry me), is useful for a lot of guys eh...
imagine..when a girl is hurt by a guy..then another guy, who has been loving her all the while, sings 'girlfriend' of Nsync to her....then after they've been together for some time, he sings this 'jia gei wo' to her...wow..

dr edwards is on sick leave now...hope he can get well soon...i like him...he looks like a santa claus to me...dr kam takes over...this time lecture was easier...because we're provided with handouts...an advantage when the class is small i guess...
i feel like i'm soo..sluggish...hmm...

my resolution for this coming chinese new year..is to improve myself...and also, hope brunei can always be peaceful like before....
this saturday night, the night of reunion with family...but i have practical till 6...so, like last year, my mom and brother will need to wait for me to reach home...
i notice that if it's for study, i don't mind to spend long time on the same thing..as long as i learn something...

haven't visited my grandparents for quite some time...i'm the kind of people who tend to avoid things i don't know how to handle..and things i don't like...
of course i like spending time with them..especially my grandpa..he's a cute old man...but i'm so used to saying what i have in mind...and i think sometimes we're hit by the problem of generation gap...i don't agree with them....so i'll just listen...that's why for some people, i'm quiet kua...but actually i'm not quiet...i just..won't talk a lot if i don't think i know the person good enough...even car's engine need to be warmed up first before it can perform at optimum ah...
plus...i think i should strengthen my social skills...i still don't know how people can say different things when with different people...guess i'm just too young for that...or it's just that i'm not humble enough?? hm...time will tell i believe..

funfair..

the funfair was ok....but i'm fed up with people always come late...what happened to punctuality these days? people just seem to ignore it at all...everytime when i thought i'm late, it always turned out that i was one of the first or i was the earliest....i can only keep reminding myself not to be late from now on...

tomorrow's beginning of another week...chinese new year is coming...but...don;t feel excited about it...i'm actually thinking to spend the new year days sleeping at home...been feeling tired easily these days...so i'll try to cut down on junk food...eat healthier stuffs...planning to take vitamin supplements also...especially vitamin C and E..also B...lots of those actresses or singers take vitamin E and C for their skincare oh...i'm considering vitamin B as well because i remember dr charles mentioned before it's for stress...but..i'll buy the supplements when i've got surplus money...vitamin c is the most important for me as i get mouth ulcers easily...thank god it's one of the cheapest vitamins...
not only for health...i'm also inspired to be healthy for the sake of my skin...i really believe that how we look reflect our internal body environment..

i hate to look at my bank account money now...so little left...it's a good thing that i didn't go shopping during this sale...or else..i don't want to imagine...

oh yeah...i love you too lizzy...
i can already feel the urge to drop tears when i think of you leaving in a few months time...

on second thoughts, i don't like the me now sometimes...because i keep picking on people..as if i'm perfect...hope i can stop doing that..

when i think of my future these days, i feel lost...don't know where i'm heading to...
but i always believe, as long as a person is willing to work hard, there's a future for him/her...and i really think experiences and interests are more important and helpful to achieve good career than qualification...
but still..i will try to study harder and better...because i'm used to be more-than-average...i wish to maintain that...hopefully i can do that...also wish to improve my english..especially in speaking...i have so little chance to speak english these days...maybe i should just talk to myself.. just like usual..except in a different language...
talking about english..i still haven't found any suitable journal article yet...but thanks to this assignment, i read some interesting articles in the journal section yesterday in the library..i think second floor of the library is more suitable for private study..because there's updated articles and very little noise...and bigger desk...but the problem with quiet place is, any little movement you make, it's a noise...

i feel very tempted to read those textbooks i photocopied...but i'm not determined enough..well..
this semester is the semester i photocopy lots of textbooks...maybe it's just the trend in the classes i'm in now...

tomorrow is another week..gambate kudasai people~

:)

i'm not feeling fine now...i'm feeling exhausted...both physically and mentally...yet at the same time, i feel a bit restless...been feeling restless for few days...for unknown reasons...

everytime when there's anything going on, why am i the one to be expected to do the task?
why doesn't anyone ever think of asking for my opinion, my will?
why am i always the one who is left behind to take care of everything?
why am i the one to do those things others don't want to do??
why am i the one who give up my room when visitors are here?
why do i have to take care of my brother as if he is my son?
why do i have so many 'why's but never dare to voice them out in front of my family? and since i can't say no to my mom, why on earth can't i live with it??
haih....i always know, and they never hide it, that in their eyes, i'm someone great...i study well, i take care of myself well, i manage my finance well, i organize my time well, i take care of my brother well, i have mild temper, and i'll continue to be so and one day i'll achieve bright future...
to be honest, i hate the way they think of me....so what i'm in a uni?
i'm afraid one day i'll get cracked...i'm not the eldest one...but i never have the chance to rely on my sis....and have to take care of most of the things at home when my mom is away...and my mom is always away...i get more and more annoyed when more and more days i come home to find she's out and there's nothing to feed my hungry stomach...i hate to cook when the only thing in my mind is eat and sleep....and i hate myself for being such useless...i don't know why, i get very worn-out and sleepy when i reach home, regardless of the number of hours i study in school...it's like..no matter how much i sleep, i still dont have enough...and worse, i get dizzy easily these days...the childish part of me would think why should i go to the doctor when my family don't care...

haih...am i too narrow-minded or selfish? i know they care about me...know if there's anything happen to me, they'll be there to help...and i also know, because i've been doing all these since before, they have become my responsibilities..that's my role in this family...they assume anything will be ok for me because i never throw tantrums in front of them...well, i actually did..but compare to others, i guess my tantrums are just too negligible...
she's my mom...so i'll do anything that can make her happy....i'll try not to say no to her...i'll try my best to be good so she has nothing to be worried about me...and i don't have much choice...either i do it or no one at all will do it....i don't like doing it..but i won't feel easy if no one is doing it...

i really wish to be a housewife...just have to clean the house, cook nice, healthy food, look after my husband...let the man protect me...let me be the weaker one..be the pampered one...
to be specific, i want a life of my own, which i only have to concentrate on my own life...of course i still want my family...but i really wish at least for more than a day that i don't have to be bothered with this house...
haih...if only things hadn't changed..if only my father hadn't changed...maybe that's why i used to be closer with him before...because he's the only one in this family who i can allow myself to behave like a little girl when i'm with him....it's ok for me to be weak, ok for me to be manja when i was with him...haven't been seeing him for quite some time...wonder is he in brunei now...

i really really wish to be carefree...wish i could just do whatever i want...

first day of the week

feel so sleepy and tired after reaching home..i think it's because i slept till too late this morning...probably i won't be this tired if i only sleep till 7 plus..
tomorrow have to go to school early...i'm volunteering too oh for the funfair..but not sure what time and what i'm going to do there...because i didn't make it to attend the meeting on saturday and faisal thinks he might have lost the list that states who do what..so me and tek ying will just meet yati tomorrow at CLT at 8...
i like having morning classes...but too bad, i only have practicals early in the morning this sem..this saturday another free morning for me...i'm a morning person..so when i have the morning free...i'll become sluggish for whole day..i don't like that...though on some of the days i enjoy as a lazybone..

i like to be in the library..because there lots of books and the environment there encourages me to study...but i hate the air-con there..always so cold...hmm...i just know it i'd never like winter except for the snowy scenery....don't think i like summer too...last time i used to think i like autumn...because it's romantic...and erm..'approachable'..now i also like spring...because spring brings hope as it brings new life....just like..now i'll prefer sunrise, instead of sunset...sunset is a bit too depressing for me....
as we grow older and older, optimistism becomes more and more necessary...

some people..maybe unconscously...always force me to hurt them...hehe..sounds irresponsible..i know...but..that's exactly how they make me feel...i never want to hurt them...but..when they start to ask too much from me..or keep pesting around me...the only thing i can think of doing is to hurt them..as in don't give them any response...however, they can still carry on with it even if it's just one-sided...do i have to be rude to them in order for them to get the rejection??
i'm not a great person...so if hurting someone is the only way i can get him out f my life, i'll do it..

my goal after the chinese new year is to save as much as i can....just the thought of chinese new year is coming is good enough reason for me to spend my money...i'm a traditional chinese, aint i?? :p

finally going to have japanese class tomorrow...a good motivation to start the day..

sunday morning

last night the wedding was fine..the food wasn't the best though...but the whole event was filled with laughters...li mei sat with me...and as usual..with her family around, especially hong peng, it was fun..they played and joked a lot...too bad i only found hong hwa koko just before i left...only talked to him for a while...i like talking to him when we're alone...because he really is like a big brother to me....i remember when we first got along well..despite i called him koko..his family still thought we're couple...

oh yeah...so far no one give negative comment on my new look...maybe only myself and those people who don't dare to tell me...my colleages in plant taxanomy said i look hot...my mom them all think it suits me...as for me..i havent got used to it yet...because it's very different from my old hairstyle...i feel nervous eh when i think of showing it to people i care..oh my god oh my god oh my god!
i won't say i love my new hairstyle..but i like it..i feel happy to have a change...been having shoulder-length hair for years...fed up with it

later i'm going to try making barley beverage...my first time oh..hope it will erm...end up fine...hehe...supposed to be easy task though...

this week...study is fine...except i didn't touch my book at all when at home...then i had a hard time trying to fix my japanese classes...i felt very grateful to mimi eh..thanks mimi...don't ask me why, just feel like thanking you...
why people reluctant to compromise with others...i mean..we're in the same class so aren't we supposed to help each other?
i think the main reason why i like haslina's class is because they're really a class..just like when i was in biomed class..we all know each other well and if there's anything going on, everyone will be involved..no gap in communicating with each other at all..
but i know...one of the problems why i have difficulty to fit in is because i'm in the different semester with others...my academic year started earlier than others..

got one more books to photocopy...have to borrow from dr charles...i hope from this semester onwards..i'll keep a habit of reading textbooks...gambate..

sale coming!

allowance is out...but not enough for me i guess...
i'm going to saloon tomorrow...since i've already spent so much on new clothes and shoes..i'll just close my eyes and spend some more on hair lah..
and i heard another sale is coming soon...oh god!! big big BIG challenge for me..but no matter what..i'm not going to buy anything i'm not needed...nor anything extra..

bit frustrated with the photocopy shop...told them i wanted it on wednesday when i sent the books the day before..but they didn't finish for me..then when i went there yesterday..not yet done too...hopefully tomorrow when i go there, it's done...it has to be done anyway...or else i'll never send my books there again..

tomorrow night will have to attend a wedding function...forgot since when, i love the feeling of attending wedding..it's always so warm and sweet to see newly weds...they make me feel hopeful about marriage...looking at siao's kids..and my ta jie...i feel like...kids are devils..and if i plan to have kids next time...i better get ready to become old and terrible-looking..hm..

first day

first day of school...a lot of people update their blogs...maybe because can go online free at ictc :p
the first lecture was ok...it's true though students these days are more fortunate than students in the old times...not only that old..let's say a few years back lah...but nothing is perfect ah...so what we're more relaxing now with our study...i think dr faizah doesn't have to be jealous of us at all...good thing for us is lecturers are more lenient now and exams are easier to score too...but at the same time, that also means the degree we're getting is of lower standard ah...just a matter of give and take..she did lots more than us..but she'd also received a fantastic result for her graduation ah..

i really don't like the schedule this sem..like..tomorrow i'll only have 1 hour lecture...from 4 to 5 in the afternoon...then this saturday too..will only have 1 hour lecture from 2 to 3...and this thursday probably will only have to go for the discussion of japanese time table...if dr charles doesn't give us practical that morning...i dont like having too much empty sloths...
actually we can take biotech...but then...according to dr jun..the new policy said that third year students are not allowed to take fourth year courses...and so far..seems like she's the only one having that policy...dr sagun, dr edwards and dr kam all agreed we should take biotech so next year we can more time for our projects...hmm..tomorrow me and tek ying will go to see dr jun...see if this time she'll give the same answer like she gave to husma them..hopefully she'll be willing to change her mind lah...or else..she'll only have qilla (not sure about spelling) as her only student in that course..poor girl..

i've noticed that most of the blogs i read..we all have similar new year's resolution..study harder, losing weights, etc...hehe maybe because we are all undergraduates...

oh yeah i'm volunteering for something..which i don't know...about prize or whatever...just sign up since haslina them need more people...i still havent decided yet which ECA to join this sem..husma suggested squash...i'll see if hamsiah and haslina really organize a swimming club first..if not because i'm broke..i'd find a companion and go JPMC...or if i'm familiar enough with the boss of sunil..then i can go his place and borrow his pool...not big but good enough for me...
but too bad...i'm not familiar with him..and probably won't have anymore chance to swim there..

so much free time...yet still clash with most of B Sc Bio Science people..:s

anyway..i still look forward to this new semester...because i've been missing study since weeks ago..

last day of holiday

tomorrow school will start...i'm kind of...dissatisfied with my new schedule...because..too many blanks...i wish to get a busier one...too many gaps between lectures will only make me getting lazier...

today is also the last day of the mammal trapping...if anyone ask me how was it..i dont know how to answer..because don't have special feeling..neither like or dislike...but the good thing is i get to know how mammal trappings are done...more or less like the one at bk patoi but the one at bk patoi was small case if you compare with this...

when i'm broke, my brain works really well to save money as much as i can...like..i make use of whatever i can find in my house, instead of buying what i need from the shops...i'm re-using a lot of the note books and old files oh...and i feel accomplished when i made it more pleasant-looking than its old cover...now i understand why people enjoy DIY stuffs..

first day of the school doesnt only mark the beginning of this semester, it also marks the beginning of other things for me...like..a better approach towards my study (i hope), beginning of healthy lifestyle and beginning of weight loss plan...i'll make a plan after posting this...i'm the kind of people who needs to plan in advance...
ok..till here...have to sleep early tonight for tomorrow...though i dont have morning class..still prefer to go to uni early...i haven't stepped onto ubd eversince i finished my last exam last semester...wow...feel like a long time ago..because it was last year...hehe

GAMBATE KUDASAI~~

my new year's resolution

hmm...i haven't talked much about my plan this year...maybe should start with talking about my 2005..

2005..
- i learnt a lot of things about friendship and relationship
- i started to love my country
- i started to study harder than usual towards the end of the year
- i'm learning to be proud of myself
- i started to think twice about my dad's stuffs
- i changed a lot of my beliefs and ways of thinking
- i went through lots of bad times

hm..that's all i can think of so far..
as for this new 2006..i hope more world peace, less catastrophe and less life-threatening diseases...oh yeah..also less pollution and habitat destruction for biodiversity..

as for my new 2006, i'm thinking..
- lose some weights as soon as possible and then maintain it
- maintain my determination to study hard
- find a balance between spending and saving
- also manage my time well so it's equally distributed among study, family, friends and him
- take good care of myself, from head to toes, from outside to inside

wow..so many things to do..all are difficult to achieve hehe...for me lah..
nevermind..i'll just gambate

last night...not the best time i'm afraid..but better than i expected..
feel so sorry for yung soon...he asked me to sit with him but i refused..i really thought he'd enjoy but well..i was thinking to sit and talk with him after i'm done with my food..but he left before i'm finished...oh well..hope he's ok...

i feel ashamed of my legs now..so big..with so many mosquito bites and scars..*sniff *sniff

tired..and..nervous?

i miss the time in labuan...because when i was there, i didn't need air-con, computer...and i watch less tv, read less novel...more physical work for me there...when i'm here, i'm so dependent on internet, tv...although i still dont sleep with air con...
i think i need to start study as soon as possible..so i feel more ..real..

tomorrow night..can meet my friends lor...feel happy for that...but also a bit scared at the same time...guess i'm just very used to be alone..so when i think of hanging out with such a big group..i feel a bit scared..almost decline to go lor...but..i know i have to face it...and i know i'll forget about the fear once i'm there...:)

i think i'm bit tired...today is better...yesterday i felt exhausted..maybe because today more people went to the field so less work...hope tomorrow i have time to take a nap before meeting you guys...but i think i won't feel sleepy anymore when eating with you guys kua..
i'm terribly broke..or else wish to go shopping eh...but can't...
mimi's first goal is to lose weight...my first goal is stop spending too much...
dr charles was saying a lot of the first year students are not up to standard...the result was not good even when the juniors were given MCQs in their exam...
i feel disappointed too with my bio results...wish i had revised earlier..
hope i lose some weights from the field trip...but then everytime after the trip, i always eat a lot..
anyway..i'm not worried about it now...because i feel slimmer when i'm not thinking about it...
i'm growing up now..so it's natural my appetite grows with me :P

ok lah..got to sleep now...i realized i get headache the next day if i don't have enough sleep...and when i'm hungry, i'd be shaking when carrying stuffs while i'm hungry..so..better sleep now..and eat more for my breakfast..

year 2006...

finally i'm back...actually back on sunday night..but felt so tired and lazy to blog..i can never rest well when i'm not at my place...couldn't sleep tight when i was in labuan..

as for my labuan trip..can't say i had fun...but i did enjoy myself...everyone is different now..most of them having a stable relationship..so nice..some actually already married and have children...my god..can't believe they're just 1 or 2 years older than me...
like su yee...she's settling down with her bf now...erm..i can see the difference between us...for me, i'm still studying, my new life would begin when i start working...but for her..she's been working for a few years, eventhough we're at the same age...same age but she's gone through more stages of life than me...so..she's preparing to settle down but me, just start to get ready to fly...
but we had a nice time talking to each other...if not because need to wake up early the following morning, we wouldn't have stopped our chit-chat at 2am..
then as usual, i put on some weights...but i think the weights wasn't only gained when i was in labuan...it piled up during the holiday...
quite busy lor this holiday, my mom kept going to miri, KK and Labuan...and i stayed at home alone...surviving with junk food most of the time...overall, i had a very unhealthy holiday...and i spent most of the time doing nothing..
the funny thing now is..i don't have any wish to go on diet or try to shed off the extra pounds..maybe because i can still fit into all my clothes...or maybe i believe people when they said i didn't look prettier when i was slim...whatever...

talking about clothes..and shoes...i'm not going to spend on them anymore until next grand sale...i hope i can make it..been severely overspent...i'm never so desperate for the allowance...
haih...been buying a lot oh...bought 7 pairs of shoes and i can't even remember how many clothes i have bought..just know i've bought a lot..just now i just had a cleaning campaign with my wardrobe...forced to give away some of the clothes...i just can't resist when i saw new clothes or when people give away their nice clothes...but now i have to make sure i don't buy anymore new clothes and shoes...remind me people...

going to red chilli with lizzy them this friday night...already chose the clothes i want to wear...hehe..miss you all...

oh yeah...for my result..feel great that i've got 3As...but at the same time disappointed with the D....i haven't checked what's my overall grade yet..hope it's still a B...
but i'm planning to change my way of study...hope i can study harder also earlier...and organize my time wiser...also hope i can get fairer...i'm tan now...i miss school...feel like..things are more in control when study...

erm...one more thing...hehe...let you guys know when we meet ah lizzy, mimi and mama...;)