happy belated raya to all my friends.. i have to apologize to whoever invited me to their open house.. normally i look forward to open house.. because of the food of course.. but this year.. i'm just not in the mood.. sorry guys.. i just don't have the celebrating mood whenever i think of the assignments or works i need to finish..

there had been times when i had the urge to write something here.. but.. when all i can think of is the negative feelings.. i just forget about it.. no point writing something down when it's better to be forgotten.. but i probably will write them down now :p

life has been quite stressful.. it's more than i can bear sometimes.. i cried a few times.. got sick a few times.. i become very quiet and tend to stay away from crowd.. even friends.. there was a few occassions when i thought of skipping class.. if only i were a little bit more impulsive at those time.. i always thought that i can adapt well to stress.. but this time.. i'm defeated.. it's not too bad after all.. when i become quiet.. i become sensitive to how my body behave or react.. sensitive to my surroundings... things that i'd always overlooked become clear.. a lot of the time..i'm like.. in a state of self-explore.. like i notice i get tired very easily these days... last month.. my head, or maybe my scalp.. will get very tight whenever i'm concentrating on thinking something.. that's when i know i had to relax.. i did try to rest.. did give myself a day break during holidays like hari raya.. but i only end up feeling guilty for delaying my work... and i can't sleep well at night unless i finish my work.. when i go to bed without my work done, i'll keep waking up in the middle of the night.. so my sleep quality is poor..

i have to say.. i'm very grateful to my supervisor.. because he allows me to start my project in december, after the final exam.. and so far.. my performance in study is fairly ok... sometimes i don't know what is it that i'm insisting for.. all my friends don't hand in their work on time... but i stayed up late at night just to finish my report..
honestly.. although sometimes i have doubts.. most of the time i'm proud of myself.. maybe it's a bit silly to be proud of something as basic as handing in work on time.. but when i think of not everyone in the class manage to do that.. it becomes something extraordinary.. for me, handing in on time is also part of the assignment.. if i fail to do that.. it's just like i don't finish my work..

i need to learn to reject request in a beautiful way... i really wish to say no whenever people want to photocopy my notes and reports.. i finish early not to let them photocopying.. but i don't know how to turn them down.. and because there's a first time.. they expect that i won't mind in the future too.. but i mind a lot.. i don't like the idea when people just get a copy of my work.. and worse... sometimes i only know that they've taken my stuffs after they return to me, after they had finished photocopying.. seems like they think it's ok to just take my things out of my file when i'm not around
maybe for them it's not a big deal to share... but for me.. it is.. and it become even bigger when they take it without my permission..
i'm a conservative student i guess... i believe that everyone should do her own assignment.. make her own notes.. and it's only fair to photocopy someone else's work after the work is marked and returned.. not before deadlines.. and it's not right to photocopy a friend's notes just because you skip most classes or you're lazy to tidy up your own notes.. maybe i'm too stingy or selfish... but i really don't like it.. i don't mind if it's just once or twice.. but when it's a lot of times.. or when it's not just one topic but everything from the beginning of the sem.. it's become annoying..
but i know... if i don't like it.. i should've turned them down right at the beginning.. now it's a bit too late.. haih... i hope one day i have the gut to tell them right to their faces that i don't want to lend them anything.. that they should do their own work..
maybe i should throw tantrums at them.. or scold them badly.. or at least show to them i'm not happy.. but when it comes to people or things i don't like.. i usually just walk away.. and try to avoid the next time... but the next time always happen... :s

i like to read lizzy's blog.. because it's always cheerful... and it really comforts me to know at least one of us is having a nice time.. i don't know if lizzy purposely neglect her negative feelings from her blog.. but.. i really think Calgary suits her very well... she seems a lot happier when she's there.. keep it up yeah..

i complained a lot just now... but still.. i'm happy with my life... although study often stress me out.. i still love what i'm doing now.. this sem.. i experience quite a lot of new things... just this monday, we went out to Pelong Rocks.. one of the offshore coral reefs of brunei... it was windy and the sea was rough.. but we all had a nice time drifting on the sea surface... that was my first time floating on the sea water... i know sea water is salty... but i only know how salty is it when i was in the water.. of course.. the price to pay is... i got sea sick for whole day.. and skin allergy the next day.. this is the second time i got skin allargy for my study.. the first time happened last month.. when i went to the back of my grandparents' place to catch insects.. i thought it was ok since it's just a grassland.. i was too confident with my skin... until now there are still scars on my legs.. but i'm kind of weird.. i don't mind to get scratches or wounds during field work.. instead.. i feel kind of accomplished... hehe.. :p

nxt monday we're going out to the sea again if not mistaken.. this time i must get ready with seasick pills.. apart from sea sick... the trip is exciting.. then because i've finished all the works that need to be handed in before and this week... i can set myself free today.. maybe just do some easy readings later at night..

oh yeah i stop my yoga class... the schedule doesn't match with mine.. then... maybe i just save my money first.. so next time i can sign up for dance classes.. now i'd like to thank the government for stopping my allowance for 3 or 4 months last time.. because of that, i spend more wisely now.. and very naturally i don't have the desire to go for things which i've spent my money on last time.. like body massage.. foot spa.. shopping trips... oh i still love shopping of course.. just.. i have more interest to save... so next time i can go for vacation.. i want to visit my relative in KK if got chance... she always reminds me of my grandma who has passed away..
then i want to go labuan to visit my cousin.. she's getting marry next month.. quite a number of family members or relatives who are near to my age are married now.. but look at me.. i'm just about to start working.. it's like my life is just about to begin but people around me have settled down.. hm.. i'm almost always the one left behind.. people may say that's because i study well.. hm.. i think the most expensive part of me will be my brain... if not because i have that little bit more of interest in study.. i probably will be working by now.. struggling with financial problem maybe.. some of my friends are thinking about doing master.. but i think.. i might have to stop after degree.. get a job first.. so i can share the family budget with my mom.. and if can.. let my mom retire as soon as possible.. that's my first goal now..