:)

i'm not feeling fine now...i'm feeling exhausted...both physically and mentally...yet at the same time, i feel a bit restless...been feeling restless for few days...for unknown reasons...

everytime when there's anything going on, why am i the one to be expected to do the task?
why doesn't anyone ever think of asking for my opinion, my will?
why am i always the one who is left behind to take care of everything?
why am i the one to do those things others don't want to do??
why am i the one who give up my room when visitors are here?
why do i have to take care of my brother as if he is my son?
why do i have so many 'why's but never dare to voice them out in front of my family? and since i can't say no to my mom, why on earth can't i live with it??
haih....i always know, and they never hide it, that in their eyes, i'm someone great...i study well, i take care of myself well, i manage my finance well, i organize my time well, i take care of my brother well, i have mild temper, and i'll continue to be so and one day i'll achieve bright future...
to be honest, i hate the way they think of me....so what i'm in a uni?
i'm afraid one day i'll get cracked...i'm not the eldest one...but i never have the chance to rely on my sis....and have to take care of most of the things at home when my mom is away...and my mom is always away...i get more and more annoyed when more and more days i come home to find she's out and there's nothing to feed my hungry stomach...i hate to cook when the only thing in my mind is eat and sleep....and i hate myself for being such useless...i don't know why, i get very worn-out and sleepy when i reach home, regardless of the number of hours i study in school...it's like..no matter how much i sleep, i still dont have enough...and worse, i get dizzy easily these days...the childish part of me would think why should i go to the doctor when my family don't care...

haih...am i too narrow-minded or selfish? i know they care about me...know if there's anything happen to me, they'll be there to help...and i also know, because i've been doing all these since before, they have become my responsibilities..that's my role in this family...they assume anything will be ok for me because i never throw tantrums in front of them...well, i actually did..but compare to others, i guess my tantrums are just too negligible...
she's my mom...so i'll do anything that can make her happy....i'll try not to say no to her...i'll try my best to be good so she has nothing to be worried about me...and i don't have much choice...either i do it or no one at all will do it....i don't like doing it..but i won't feel easy if no one is doing it...

i really wish to be a housewife...just have to clean the house, cook nice, healthy food, look after my husband...let the man protect me...let me be the weaker one..be the pampered one...
to be specific, i want a life of my own, which i only have to concentrate on my own life...of course i still want my family...but i really wish at least for more than a day that i don't have to be bothered with this house...
haih...if only things hadn't changed..if only my father hadn't changed...maybe that's why i used to be closer with him before...because he's the only one in this family who i can allow myself to behave like a little girl when i'm with him....it's ok for me to be weak, ok for me to be manja when i was with him...haven't been seeing him for quite some time...wonder is he in brunei now...

i really really wish to be carefree...wish i could just do whatever i want...