midnight post

very late now...but i just have this itch to update my blog...been thinking about it since few days ago...somehow..i just delayed it till now..
just now had a nice time with my friends at my place...but..i can't really enjoy..because it's at my place...so i have to divert my concentration to other things..i always know i'm not a good host...guess it's kind of rude that i invited somebody but don't talk much with them...i'm refering to bee and nining...chiou didn't turn up...i was looking forward to see her...meimei didn't come too..i thought she's coming at first..
then i also went to li mei's open house..didn't go to my godmom's one though..too full and lazy to go...plus..people there will be gambling and drinking there...not the kind of things i like to do..
i feel bit guilty for not inviting other people..i thought for a long time for the inviting list...i don't like to be a host...but this year..my dad didn't prepare red packets...my mom has been paying all the things includin the deco and food...since ping initiated the idea of inviting his friends to come over...i thought i might as well do the same...i'm just...too proud i guess...i feel embarassed if my friends come to my place but i can't give them red packets...so i served them food...since me and ping are sharing the ordering...i tried to limit the number of people i invited...still in the end..when his friends came, there's not much food left...not my fault..he's the one who said he only invited a few friends...and his 'a few' became 10 plus in the end..
i don't know why i'm explaining all this...maybe i've been asked by too many people about why i didn't invite who and who...each time people asked me..i felt i'm so bad...i know i should've invited more people...but...i don't want my mom to spend too much on this...and i don't have much money to help her...maybe i'm just explaining it to make myself feel better..reminding myself why i made a funny inviting list at first place...got a feeling quite a lot of them were surprise or puzzled when i said i don't invite who and who..
is it like...i don't have a big foot yet i'm trying to wear a big shoe?
open house...necessary meaning inviting everyone kah? if so..i wouldn't call it an open house lor..
i still find it embarassing for not giving angpao when people visit you during chinese new year..and i feel pissed off wih my dad...for not buying anything at all for this chinese new year...not even give us the money for angpao...