down down me

something happened and i'm angry...i'm angry because i can't do what i like and have to do all those things which none of my siblings willing to do...it's not the first time and of course..there's always to be next time...i'm very tired oh...why am i the one who's always left behind? vacation, trip...as long a someone needed to stay behind..i'll be the one...there's one occasion when ah siau asked if i want to go miri with them..before i answer...my mom already said she never wants to go one lah...that remark made my heart sank oh...it's not that i don't want to go...it's because everytime i'm asked to take care of everything of this house, to take over her job without anyone asking me want to go or not...they always say i'm nice, nice-tempered, independent, filial, hardworking...almost a perfect daughter...but only myself knows i'm just trying my hard to live hard to meet their requirement...i'm not nice-tempered..i just don't know how to get angry 'outside', even if i'm already boiling inside me...i'm independent..because no one in this house for me to depend on...filial because i always help my mom around...that's where i'm stucked...in primary school..one of our chinese textbooks had a chapter...the content was a teacher discussing how to be filial to your parents...i remember one of the ways very clearly..because at that time..that's the only way suited me...'as a child, you should never let your parents worry about you'...i used to think that's easy...but as i grow up...it's getting more and more difficult...exhausted now...maybe i intepreted it wrongly at first place...that's why today i ended up not sharing my deepest thought with my mom...even my sis...filial? maybe...for me..i help because if i don't..my mom will have no one else to help her...so i'm not hardworking....maybe just soft-hearted...with a little bit over-strong sense of responsibility as member of this family..
normally i'm fine...but today...the last straw has come...an i can't hold it anymore...but so what..no matter how annoyed i am..i still can't make myself to tell any of them...too timid...no matter what their reaction gonna be...it sure won't be a pleasant one..im like a turtle..
but from it..i realised..as long as i think that's my responsiblity..i won't easily leave it or ignore it...that is one of the reasons i don't want to be doctor...the schedule of the job may not restrict me but my sense of responsibility may....i don't think it's easy to be a good doctor...i don't want to work days and nights and end up crying in my office...

hoo~ feel lighter now after saying everything out...plus the tears..maybe that's why some think i'm weak...because what i show to people is tears....weak or strong...one thing for sure is...i always stand up fast whenever i fall...well at least faster than most people...maybe just because i fall easily..so numbed to it...:p

hmm..

i'm yet to get familiar with tools here...lot to learn lor...

i feel so sad when reading news of the tsunami at Indian Ocean..yet i can't stop myself from reading more...everytime after finished reading..i'll feel how lucky we are to be here in Brunei...so peaceful..no natural disasters..well..maybe some mild one...and from the chinese newspaper yesterday...scientists in Japan predict a massive earthquake in Tokyo...it's going to happen at any time now...and Sumatra has been shift from its original position north-west or south-west( always confuse about north and south in chinese) for hundreds of..m or km...not sure...but it's a huge shift and the orientation of the earth is going to be slowed down because of the earthquake this time...the saddest part for me is....thousands of children died in this incident and many of the victims' families are forced to abandon their religion way for the funeral..haih...
wish i can do something to help...but i think..at the moment...money is the only way to help but even if i donate..it'll only provide little help for the sufferers...but if anyone has any idea where to donate..let me know oh...

ok..let's talk about some cheerful stuffs...i've got the letter from UBD..finally~
tomorrow i'll go to UBD to look for AR of FOS...and then...i'll be officially a student of FOS..hehe..at least something to look forward to for the coming semester..feel like it's a new beginning oh..hehe..actually i'm supposed to go there today..but my mom's away..need to stay at home for my 'family business'...so..no choice lah..
i'll go tomorrow morning...i want to know my schedule as soon as possible..so can arrange my own time table...honestly..i'm a bit worried too to start teaching tuition..a completely new thing for me...but think i can do it one lah...

my legs a bit hurt oh...exercise too hard maybe after a long break in between..but nevermind..
i figured out that..i'm very dependent on exercise...if i don't exercise for a long time..i'll start thinking i'm fat..i'm big and i'm getting sick inside me because i didn't sweat...weird hor...hope it's not a psychological problem...i'm just..need to be assured through exercise...i like it last time when i keep feeling myself is slim and fit..especially when i look at my reflection at mirror or any glass wall...but i've lost that feeling...need to get it back...when i'm confident in my look..i'm confident in everything...

i must remember never let myself envy somebody...or else i'll keep looking faults in myself and my self-esteem becomes incredibly low....well..i admit i'm silly...erm...a person who enter uni with one of the best grades in her form6 college envy someone who can't enter uni or other college she wants just because she's got prettier and richer? maybe my guy is right...i found those things great because i always look forward to simple life...but..i don't think the life i want is simple....work, love, family, money, pleasures, friends...erm..what else...i guess that's all...i thought that's very difficult to achieve...because if you want money..you need to get a high-pay job..and a high-pay job has a high price to pay...probably very pressurised or long working hour..
although i hope i can get one...i'm still suspecting is there any job which you can get high salary but do little work?? maybe mistress :P

My first post~

First time here...not sure what to write actually..just want to experience having my own website...lunchtime..and i need to shower..so..later yeah..i want to explore around eh..