something happened and i'm angry...i'm angry because i can't do what i like and have to do all those things which none of my siblings willing to do...it's not the first time and of course..there's always to be next time...i'm very tired oh...why am i the one who's always left behind? vacation, trip...as long a someone needed to stay behind..i'll be the one...there's one occasion when ah siau asked if i want to go miri with them..before i answer...my mom already said she never wants to go one lah...that remark made my heart sank oh...it's not that i don't want to go...it's because everytime i'm asked to take care of everything of this house, to take over her job without anyone asking me want to go or not...they always say i'm nice, nice-tempered, independent, filial, hardworking...almost a perfect daughter...but only myself knows i'm just trying my hard to live hard to meet their requirement...i'm not nice-tempered..i just don't know how to get angry 'outside', even if i'm already boiling inside me...i'm independent..because no one in this house for me to depend on...filial because i always help my mom around...that's where i'm stucked...in primary school..one of our chinese textbooks had a chapter...the content was a teacher discussing how to be filial to your parents...i remember one of the ways very clearly..because at that time..that's the only way suited me...'as a child, you should never let your parents worry about you'...i used to think that's easy...but as i grow up...it's getting more and more difficult...exhausted now...maybe i intepreted it wrongly at first place...that's why today i ended up not sharing my deepest thought with my mom...even my sis...filial? maybe...for me..i help because if i don't..my mom will have no one else to help her...so i'm not hardworking....maybe just soft-hearted...with a little bit over-strong sense of responsibility as member of this family..
normally i'm fine...but today...the last straw has come...an i can't hold it anymore...but so what..no matter how annoyed i am..i still can't make myself to tell any of them...too timid...no matter what their reaction gonna be...it sure won't be a pleasant one..im like a turtle..
but from it..i realised..as long as i think that's my responsiblity..i won't easily leave it or ignore it...that is one of the reasons i don't want to be doctor...the schedule of the job may not restrict me but my sense of responsibility may....i don't think it's easy to be a good doctor...i don't want to work days and nights and end up crying in my office...
hoo~ feel lighter now after saying everything out...plus the tears..maybe that's why some think i'm weak...because what i show to people is tears....weak or strong...one thing for sure is...i always stand up fast whenever i fall...well at least faster than most people...maybe just because i fall easily..so numbed to it...:p
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