finally... how sad

today is the seminar for the bio department in ubd.. i'm quite satisfied with my performance.. it's like.. all the efforts i put in to prepare for this presentation is not wasted.. achieving what you want after hardwork is one of the most awesome feelings for me.. can't say i did very well.. but it's good enough.. i was so nervous before i went up there.. but when i was presenting.. i love the feeling..
it's really is a wonderful memory.. god knows when will be the next time when i can have a group of PhD holders listen to me talking, about MY study :p

after i finished my presentation.. i was in a celebrating mood.. but when the seminar was over in the late afternoon.. i began to feel a bit. sad.. this seminar is kind like.. the last thing of my programme.. time is passing by so fast.. i'm not ready to end my study life yet.. honestly, if i had a choice.. i'd like to go back to my secondary school.. and start all over again.. i'm so used to pampering by parents and teachers.. and the government of course.. so now, i have this fear to enter the world of adults.. to see the real world outside.. maybe it's not as depressing as i think..
it's just that.. i'm not ready to do something new and unfamiliar.. but i'll be alright.. i'm sure i can find a way to survive

last year when i went to labuan.. some of the aunties there seemed surprise that at my age, i hadn't started working nor got married.. but that time, i could still tell them i'm still studying.. but now.. i'm not even a student very soon
there's a saying in chinese that says 'pi ye den yu si ye'.. translating as graduated is equivalent to unemployed.. i hope i'm not one of the people that experience that..

but really.. i need to save up now.. since i'm going to singapore in june..
last two weeks.. one of the SHBIE students expressed in the newspaper about his/her request for extension of student allowances for the graduates until the graduate get a job..
well, i don't agree with that student.. so i'm a bit not pleased when that student considered what he /she said is the voice of final year UBDians..
yes, we'll get bit tight with money once the allowance stop.. but.. that is our own problem right? i feel bit guilty actually for still accepting the allowance, for not financially-independent at my age.
if other people can get a average-paying job with just 'O' Level or even PMB qualification, why can't i?
actually, i'm thinking about working as cashier or something that can expose me to different classes of people.. because at this stage, all i want is to explore what kind of job suits me or interests me.. but.. i can't just think of myself.. i have to take money into consideration.. i know most.. or maybe all, of my family members have high expectation of me..

relationship between people can be quite funny at time... sometimes what a person does is just be him/herself.. but everyone seems to dislike that person.. isn't that funny?
people always say 'be yourself'.. but from what i see is.. it's really hard to draw a line between that and self-centred.. just like.. i need to learn the difference between blunt and honest..

ok.. i'm a bit emotional tonight.. maybe i should just stop here..
lastly, i want to say that there are certain people that have influenced me a lot and i'd like to thank them.. in my way :p

exam's over

my mom's off to kuching again.. won't be back until sunday.. this time, my sis and her family are also going.. so.. i can't even bring my niece or nephew here to kill time during day time.. one thing i'm proud of my sis is.. she brings my mom almost everywhere she goes.. hong kong, singapore, KL and now kuching.. i hope next time i can afford that too

my exam finished on the day before yesterday.. my first and last exam..
have i ever said i don't mind to fail for once?? if yes, forgive me.. i was lying.. to people and to myself..
i didn't do well in my exam.. i can pinpoint so many mistakes.. and i got sooo worried.. i've never get so panic after an exam.. as my dear put it.. as if failing is the end of the day.. for me.. i don't know.. maybe i'm more worried about not getting A.. for the first time i made it very clear to myself that i want to get A..well~
no one believe that i'll fail.. and i let what people think about me influences me.. since.. erm.. no idea when do people start to see me as one of the top students in our group.. and slowly i begin to think so too.. i begin to think that i can't fail.. i can't have a grade lower than the class average.. grade B doesn't satisfy me anymore.. especially after i managed to get 2 A grades in my bio.. i'm becoming ambitious.. in a way that i stress myself out.. so now.. before i start preparing for the coming seminar.. i better learn to relax..

i'm reading a chinese book now.. talking about being perfect.. i have just started with it.. one of the chapters says don't expect to be a perfect employee when a fresh graduate just start working.. what the uni teach us is ways of thinking.. not skills in everyday work..
what the author said coincides with what one of the bio lecturers said to us before.. and i think that's so true.. because i really think i have a high chance of getting a job that is irrelevent to my degree..
some of us plan to continue with masters.. some will work as research assisstant for their supervisor first.. there's a master programme on biochemical stuffs.. nyrol suggested that i should take it.. because it's biochem..
i've made up my mind not to continue with further study first.. compare to study.. i'm more interested to work now.. can't wait to experience the real world.. i don't want to learn knowledge from books.. i want to learn from experience.. want to learn how to mingle with people.. to work as a team.. to survive in a workplace.. and to support my own life.. and possible, my family's life..
i think this year is going to be a transition period for me.. i can feel the change in me.. i'll survive, even if i'm not the fittest one..

this week it's sooooo hot.. it just makes me feel worse.. until this morning i was still brooding over the exam.. i'm very grateful that no matter where i go.. there's always someone i can count on.. really thanks tek ying for her comfort this morning.. what she said to me, i've told myself many times.. but i need another person to tell me.. to make sure i'm not being overconfident..
oh yeah the weather these days.. it's super hot.. i'm not the type of people who will lose appetite easily, even if i'm sad or angry.. but these days.. i don't feel like eating at all.. if i can.. i'd eat ice-cream for every meal.. i can still feel the heat early in the morning or late at night.. i just can't imagine if i were to lose the air con in my house now.. but this afternoon i resisted to turn on the air con.. because my maid didn't get to do her work inside an air con room ah.. so i feel guilty to enjoy the air con.. plus.. i'm responsible for the heat too... even without counting, i know that my carbon footprint is high.. as in very very high..

i've just finished reading another book.. it's about the first Lady Emperor of China 'Wu Je Tien'.. as a woman, she's so cruel.. but as a ruler of a kingdom, none of the men at that time could compete with her.. before this book.. i had read a book that summarize stories of 10 famous women in China history.. and i'm most fascinated by this lady emperor.. most historians criticized her a lot.. but her success in ruling and her wit are something they can't deny.. and the book i've just read about her is written by a lady author.. the author tried to point out other possible reasons for some of the evil things the emperor had done.. and i really think Yu Je Tien had fulfilled her wish.. her name is remembered till today.. i hope one day, i can travel to China and visit whatever history has left..