Run away~

life has been hectic for me for the past few weeks and i got a feeling that i've reached my limit. One more step forward and i'm going to break down. I can't control my emotions well these days. I get depressed too easily and staying optimistic is like one of the hardest things in the world to me.
It's a mixture of anger, helplessness, disappointments and maybe something else.. i don't know..

I'm worn-out.. having to teach tuitions 5 days a week, sharing chores with my mom, looking after my niece and nephew. Most of the times, i don't mind doing all these but there are times when i feel really unfair, like why on earth am i the one being tied down to the kids while my sis and bro-in-law get to do things they like? Just because they're working and those activities are job-related? what about their kids? they always say they miss the kids but their actions don't convince me. maybe there are things i don't understand. or maybe i'm just too frustrated to try to be in their shoes. I mean, if you want to have kids, you should be prepared yourself for all the responsibilities as a parent. Yes i am at home most of the time. But i'm a young lady, who has a part-time tuition teaching job, who has an interest in keeping a healthy exercise regime, and who sometimes will want to have some time for herself! What's more? We dont have a maid at the moment but i do have 2 brothers who don't clean up their mess..

arrrgghhhh!
Because of those, i've become a lousy girlfriend. i have skipped quite a number of my yoga classes, i can't practise on my own at home because the kids just won't leave me alone once they see me doing it. Oh gosh! Did i tell the interviewers last time that i am a patient person? Either all my patience are wiped out by things in my life these days or i've over-estimated myself.

But who to be blamed after all? It's me! No one has ever forced me to do those things. It's me voluntarily take up all the responsibilities. I thought i'm just doing what a daughter should do, just by simply helping her mom. But things get out of hands when my mom has to do more than what she's needed to do. Why? I'm just trying to be considerate and helpful to everyone but why can't i feel a tiny bit of appreciation or thanks from them?
Yeah i know, because they didn't ask me to.. it just keeps on reminding me how i felt when my mom decided to go for a vacation instead of coming to my convocation.

Of course, there are still good and happy things happen in my life, like i realized it's not difficult at all to make myself and my mom a healthy vegetable+fruit juice every morning, even though not much, i finally get my pay every month on time, my dear is being understanding. but i'm only a human, so i naturally focus more on the unhappy things and forget about the good ones. Oh yeah, did i mention that the work i did at IM is published online? Good news but not enough to cheer me up for more than 5 mintues.

I need a break. Everytime when i have the urge to blog, i'll neglect the urge whenever i think of all the depressing stuffs i'm going to write about. Maybe that's a mistake. It's bad to keep everything to myself and worse, to pour everything out to my dear, whether he's busy or not.

Now i know, i have bad time management, bad organizing skills, and what else? wrong way of showing my affection towards my family. Too blindly i guess. Instead of getting close with them, i am actually pushing them away from me. I don't let them find out about my dislikes, about my unwillingness in doing certain things. I don't know why.. that's always been the way since my teenage.
Haih.. i just feel suffocated lately

I received a call from UBD on last thursday, telling me that i'm offered with a master programme. I went to collect my letter of offer today and to my surprise, i am offered with a master in public policy! How is that possible?! I had put in my form that Master in Environmental management and MBA as my first and second choice, respectively. But, excuse me, public policy? What does it have to do with me?

I went to FBEPS this morning, the AR is on leave so i went back there in the afternoon again to see the acting AR, waited for an hour there and the acting AR and the programme leader were nowhere to be seen. Just when i was about to leave the place, finally the actin AR came. I totally understand that ARs are very capable and busy, after working at IM for a few months.
Unfortunately, the acting AR couldn't give me an answer but she's very kind and willing to help me to find out. So the only thing i can do now is wait, wait and wait.. like always.
i thought i finally have a clear direction to go but turned out it's not as i thought. I hope it's just a mistake.
My job-hunting is really discouraging. Although i have only stopped my IM job for 2 months, i feel sad already for not getting a real job. No matter how careful i tried to be, the money will just flow out from my pocket just like river flows from upstream to downstream.

I realized, it's easier to get a place to study nowadays than to get a job. Who knows, i'm the one being choosy.
Some people told me to apply any jobs available, be it relevent to my study or not, while another group told me to focus on jobs that are relevent. Who should i listen?
Some people are saying certain companies are having limited budget in hiring people and hence, chances are always given to people with lower qualifications. How true is that?
I'm not giving up on job-hunting but i'm definitely not as enthusiatic as before.. oh no..