hi everyone. I'm here again.
Last week, although with public holidays, i didn't really rest. Spent my friday and sunday preparing for lessons. This week, everything is back to normal. It's as if i have used up my energy. This morning, when i woke up, i still felt tired. Then today, just teaching for 2 hours felt heavy for me. I usually don't sit down when i teach. Today, my legs just felt sooo tired. And it's just thursday. I still have 1 more class this week on saturday and my HoD wanted us to start doing tissue culture on saturday. Honestly, i really think i have reached my limit and i took dear's advice to talk to my HoD, who is leaving next week for his master.
'Is it confirmed that when she left, i'll take her 2 subjects? Now i'm a bit struggling with just 4 subjects and GC work. Is it possible if i just take 1 subject?'
'That one, you have to deal with the new HoD. Can lah, you can do it. No problem tu.'
I was like, if i can do it, what am i here talking about it to you? One thing i notice about people here is, if you voice out that you can't take that much work, they will think laziness is the only reason behind it. Keep telling me can can can, you try to do it yourself and prove to me it's possible.
For me, a good head should care about the feelings of his/her staff. A responsible head should finish off what he is doing before he leaves, not creating new job and expect the staff to take over, especially when you know your department is going to be left with 1 staff.
Guess what? I'm appointed as the chairperson for biotech programme development committee, like i know what is appropriate to be included in the syllabus.
These days, it's depressing at work. There are people who are self-centred, selfish, jealousy and hypocritic. Honestly, i don't expect my HoD to make any changes. Because he is leaving soon so naturally he won't want to do any extra work. People who are willing to help are themselves overloaded. People who are still free and relaxing are blind to how busy their colleagues are. It's how he answered me that is really awful. I really have a feeling that i can only rely on myself now. Work life is just hectic now.
Good thing is, there are people like me so we all can talk with each other and feel the comfort when we know we're not the only one. No matter what, i will survive! I won't get defeated easily. It just makes me sick to see people who expect you to behave in a certain way yet they themselves are doing the things they forbid others to do.
Sorry people, my post will be about my work as my life is now revolve around it.
Last week i was always on the merge of crying. I knew i was too stress-out. There is never a day i don't bring my work home and do it at night. If i don't do so, i won't be able to finish the preparation for my work. I just don't like to go into a class feeling ill-prepared. As a GC, i want to feel connected with my students. I need to know what they're doing. I want to make sure my students can always talk to me whenever they have problem.
I think one of the reasons why i'm stres-out is because of myself. I take my work very seriously and i don't like taking short-cuts when it comes to work. I don't mind being so tiring and having to teach so many subjects. But please, at least show me i am appreciated or my work is recognized.
Last time during the ICE conference, one researcher claimed that from her study, bruneian teachers consider passion and interest are the top motivational factors, while working environment, recognition and money are not on their list or at the end of the list. Having heard that, my conclusions is, then i'm not a typical bruneian teacher. Because for me, money and working environment are very important. If money not important, what's the noise all about when the salary is late? How long can the interest last if the working environment is terrible? Maybe i'm too realistic.
These days i've been so busy that i almost forgot to renew my car's road tax. Tonight i'm not doing any work and now i'm feeling guilty already. Oh no... i need exercise. I need better stamina. I need to get firm up. On top of that, what i really need is a vacation. I can only stop thinking about my job and responsibilities when i'm out of brunei. I want to fly~
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
In response to Mimi's post..
...about wedding.. Hmm.. I wonder where does all my romantic-ness go. For me, reception dinner can be skipped. I'd like to have a low profile wedding, only mine and his close family members are invited. I don't need the world to know i am married, as long as both families are aware of it. I definitely want to do photo-shooting but i don't need to have an album. I just want a few photos that i really look nice, and i want to wear something sexy (must keep fit first eh!).
I really think reception dinner is a waste of time and money. From my experience as a guest, more than half of the people attending are strangers to the wedding couple. I want one that is small, where i can entertain everyone, and warm, with full of sincere wishes for me. The only thing that i consider as a must is honeymoon!! And my honeymoon must include a stay in a resort.
But that is still a long way to go. Now, money comes first :p
Recently i'm soooo worn-out. There's never a day i come home without feeling tired and sleepy, even if i go to bed before 11 on the night before. I hate to think this way but i really got a feeling that i'm being overloaded. Now i have only 4 subjects (all new to me) and a lot of paper works now as a group coordinator. I can't imagine how will i cope when one colleague leaves in september and i have to take over 2 of her subjects, which are also new to me. Somemore, my HoD and another collague are leaving soon. They have started new things before they leave and expect me to look after and maintain the building while they're away. I feel worried that i won't be able to fulfill their wish. Is it normal for a new staff to run a programme?? New programme, new students plus a new, inexperienced teacher. I can't see any light for the future.
I don't know am i being pessimistic or they're too cheerful. Do they think what they started will be carrying on after they're gone? From what i have seen and heard, usually what happens is, out of sight, out of mind. Things change almost completely when a new head takes over.
I keep telling myself, i'm feeling exhausted because i haven't got used to working for 2 departments. Also, i don't mind if i am being overloaded. Look at it positively, i can learn many things in a short period of time. It's a good thing if i plan to change job in a few years time. I enjoy my work but i still don't think i can work for the current system for long. I notice too that now i'm more firm about myself. I dare to decline offer or request. Well, i have to, or else i won't have time to do my work.
I feel so odd. People dread to come to my school, but i applied specifically to teach in this school. People can't wait for their turn to further study but i don't have the desire to upgrade my qualification. I haven't seen the need to do that, don't want to go just because everyone is going. I just don't think getting a master will help improving my teaching now, except for the master in teaching. I actually think getting a diploma may help me more because what i need now is hands on, not theory. I hope next time i can be given a choice whether to go for master or not. Hope it's not a fat hope..
I really think reception dinner is a waste of time and money. From my experience as a guest, more than half of the people attending are strangers to the wedding couple. I want one that is small, where i can entertain everyone, and warm, with full of sincere wishes for me. The only thing that i consider as a must is honeymoon!! And my honeymoon must include a stay in a resort.
But that is still a long way to go. Now, money comes first :p
Recently i'm soooo worn-out. There's never a day i come home without feeling tired and sleepy, even if i go to bed before 11 on the night before. I hate to think this way but i really got a feeling that i'm being overloaded. Now i have only 4 subjects (all new to me) and a lot of paper works now as a group coordinator. I can't imagine how will i cope when one colleague leaves in september and i have to take over 2 of her subjects, which are also new to me. Somemore, my HoD and another collague are leaving soon. They have started new things before they leave and expect me to look after and maintain the building while they're away. I feel worried that i won't be able to fulfill their wish. Is it normal for a new staff to run a programme?? New programme, new students plus a new, inexperienced teacher. I can't see any light for the future.
I don't know am i being pessimistic or they're too cheerful. Do they think what they started will be carrying on after they're gone? From what i have seen and heard, usually what happens is, out of sight, out of mind. Things change almost completely when a new head takes over.
I keep telling myself, i'm feeling exhausted because i haven't got used to working for 2 departments. Also, i don't mind if i am being overloaded. Look at it positively, i can learn many things in a short period of time. It's a good thing if i plan to change job in a few years time. I enjoy my work but i still don't think i can work for the current system for long. I notice too that now i'm more firm about myself. I dare to decline offer or request. Well, i have to, or else i won't have time to do my work.
I feel so odd. People dread to come to my school, but i applied specifically to teach in this school. People can't wait for their turn to further study but i don't have the desire to upgrade my qualification. I haven't seen the need to do that, don't want to go just because everyone is going. I just don't think getting a master will help improving my teaching now, except for the master in teaching. I actually think getting a diploma may help me more because what i need now is hands on, not theory. I hope next time i can be given a choice whether to go for master or not. Hope it's not a fat hope..
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Mixed feelings
Thanks Mimi for your last comment. You never fail to comfort me *hugs* love you~ and you all too~~
the orientation went on well so far. Actually it wasn't that well. A lot of things we had overlooked. The situation is depressing now. People who want to do something about it have no right, while people who have the power to do are ignoring it, either they are too busy or couldn't be bothered.
Like i told one of my colleagues, next time people will see me running a department or a small unit of the department alone. What a complicated world. It makes me wonder does this happen elsewhere too? Do other countries do things this way too? Is the grass next door greener?
i can only play my part and hopefully things will change in september or october, when the big boss is back.
A sad news!
My granduncle who had been sick for a couple of months had just passed away 2 days ago. Once again, we lost an elder who deserves so much of respect. I couldn't go to Labuan to send him off for his last journey because the funeral is today. My sense of responsibility won't let me just hand over my duty for the orientation at last minute. My parents and grandparents think we all who need to work should go to work. One thing that stopped me from taking emergency leave is the tedious procedure for applying leaves when you work for the government.
Once again, i wonder where do people go after they die? I feel sad for losing an elder like him. He is a great man and I believe God knows all the good deeds that he had done. He seemed to know that his time was up soon. He had bought himself the site for his grave and his coffin a few months ago. So, things are a lot easier for his sons.
It's a taboo to talk about your own death for many people. But i think we shouldn't avoid it. Everyone has to die, sooner or later. But if we can plan for it beforehand, we can save the trouble for those who are still living. I actually asked my mom where she wants to be buried next time, just in case she prefers Labuan. If my grandmother found this out, she's definitely going to scold me. I really think, for people who don't have children, it's better to be cremated and no grave is needed. No one is going to clean it in the future.
Anyway, i'm glad that i did visit him on my last trip to Labuan. And i wish him all the best in the other world. Peace be upon him.
Ok, enough about that.
Last week there was a crash in my self-esteem. It just went down and down and down. Fortunately, i've managed to pick myself up bit by bit this week. I realized the best way to de-stress myself is to do my work. When i do my work, i feel less guilty. Also, completing my work gives me a sense of accomplishment and that boosts my confidence. Yeah, it's a positive feedback mechanism.
Dear is off to KL today for his exam. We had a conversation on sunday night and yeah, i confirm that his love for me is true. Haha *blushed but proud*
But i'm not such a good girlfriend. What will you say when your bf told you that you're the prettiest in his eyes? Well, what i said is, worriedly, 'but you're not the most handsome in my eyes oh!' Oppsss.. Should i be less honest next time?? I really appreciate his tolerance for me and my honesty plus my un-romantic-ness.
Time to do my work. I mean, to de-stress~
Wish everyone all the best~ xoxoxo
the orientation went on well so far. Actually it wasn't that well. A lot of things we had overlooked. The situation is depressing now. People who want to do something about it have no right, while people who have the power to do are ignoring it, either they are too busy or couldn't be bothered.
Like i told one of my colleagues, next time people will see me running a department or a small unit of the department alone. What a complicated world. It makes me wonder does this happen elsewhere too? Do other countries do things this way too? Is the grass next door greener?
i can only play my part and hopefully things will change in september or october, when the big boss is back.
A sad news!
My granduncle who had been sick for a couple of months had just passed away 2 days ago. Once again, we lost an elder who deserves so much of respect. I couldn't go to Labuan to send him off for his last journey because the funeral is today. My sense of responsibility won't let me just hand over my duty for the orientation at last minute. My parents and grandparents think we all who need to work should go to work. One thing that stopped me from taking emergency leave is the tedious procedure for applying leaves when you work for the government.
Once again, i wonder where do people go after they die? I feel sad for losing an elder like him. He is a great man and I believe God knows all the good deeds that he had done. He seemed to know that his time was up soon. He had bought himself the site for his grave and his coffin a few months ago. So, things are a lot easier for his sons.
It's a taboo to talk about your own death for many people. But i think we shouldn't avoid it. Everyone has to die, sooner or later. But if we can plan for it beforehand, we can save the trouble for those who are still living. I actually asked my mom where she wants to be buried next time, just in case she prefers Labuan. If my grandmother found this out, she's definitely going to scold me. I really think, for people who don't have children, it's better to be cremated and no grave is needed. No one is going to clean it in the future.
Anyway, i'm glad that i did visit him on my last trip to Labuan. And i wish him all the best in the other world. Peace be upon him.
Ok, enough about that.
Last week there was a crash in my self-esteem. It just went down and down and down. Fortunately, i've managed to pick myself up bit by bit this week. I realized the best way to de-stress myself is to do my work. When i do my work, i feel less guilty. Also, completing my work gives me a sense of accomplishment and that boosts my confidence. Yeah, it's a positive feedback mechanism.
Dear is off to KL today for his exam. We had a conversation on sunday night and yeah, i confirm that his love for me is true. Haha *blushed but proud*
But i'm not such a good girlfriend. What will you say when your bf told you that you're the prettiest in his eyes? Well, what i said is, worriedly, 'but you're not the most handsome in my eyes oh!' Oppsss.. Should i be less honest next time?? I really appreciate his tolerance for me and my honesty plus my un-romantic-ness.
Time to do my work. I mean, to de-stress~
Wish everyone all the best~ xoxoxo
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