Another midnight post

I just came back from outing with mama, mimi, ana, masniah and her bf. It was a feast for us at the Pantai Restaurant of the Empire. But the food was too salty for me so for the first time, i had only 1 main course at a buffet and made several trips to the appetizer section. Prefer the salads and sushi.
Does it only happen in Brunei that sushi is the appetizer?? Hmm...

Thanks, Lizzy. Now i know India is still considered Asian. Haha *blushed* Thank god i'm not teaching geography.

I've been relaxing for the past 2 days till i'm beginning to feel worried and guilty now that i haven't touched any of my work. It's just so hard to make myself to do the work on a public holiday but i better start doing it tomorrow. Else, i'll have to do things in haste when monday comes.

I'm looking forward to Monday because i'll be bringing the Fish students to Tasek Merimbun. The view there never fails to captivate me, no matter how many trips i've made. I'm glad that i'm the sort of person who can see the aesthetic value of a place. Because that's a cheap way to destress myself. I wish to go hiking but it's one of the things that i don't feel comfortable going alone. Anyone's interested?

There isn't any change in my weight but i just know it that my body fat is increasing, from all the sungkai meals i had for the past 2 weeks. I'm getting scared of heavy meals. I've tried Tandoor, KTM in Jerudong, Pantai Restaurant of Empire and the seafood restaurant near Jerudong beach. I actually skipped the buffet with the ND fish on thursday at Polo Club. Like i told someone, having buffet once in a while is heaven, but having more than 1 buffet in one week, it becomes a torture! It's not healthy too to have big meals.

For the first time, me and dear didn't chat with each other for 4 consecutive days. It's a new experience, not a good one though. Then in this week, i was asked 4 times the question 'when are you two plan to get married?' by 4 different, unrelated people. Hm... am i that old already?
Like i told Josh, wedding needs a lot of money and the money i'm saving now is for vacation.

How do people think about vacation? For some, it's as simple as buying the ticket and book the hotel, then off they can go. For me, it's something big. Maybe because i didn't get to travel much. I like to go when i'm very sure i won't have financial problem when i'm back.

Recently, i've been thinking what do i want to do in the future. I'm quite sure teaching won't be my lifetime career and one day in the near future, i'm going to get very fed-up with working for the government. Should that happen, i may quit. That's why i must have savings so i won't be tied down by my financial needs.
One day, i'm going to work in a restaurant as a waitress. I realized i love to serve customers and making sure someone has a satisfying meal gives me a sense of accomplishment. I love to smile to people, even if i don't know them. But the world i live in is weird. People find it abnormal to be that polite and i'm too shy and too timid to be the odd one.

One lesson i learned this week is, sometimes, being calculative prevents me from feeling regret in the end. At first, i don't mind helping others, regardless of whether i need to do or not. Then i found out people just push everything to me after some time.
Before this, i'd think that when people offer help, we should reciprocate the offer when have chance. That doesn't happen all the time. There are people who will take the advantage out of it, instead of returning the kindness. Strange world, strange people.

I hope i can be aware of the not-so-positive things in life without getting influenced by it. Learn the good things and neglect the not-good ones.

quiet and calm

I went to Tandoor for sungkai buffet tonight with my students and 2 colleagues. The place was nice, like the atmosphere but the food was just nice. What to do, i'm a true Asian. Northern Indian food is not my cup of tea. But i really love the atmosphere there. Those naughty boys in my class secretly called the owner Pringles. Hehe..
Thank god i have my students. They never fail to make me laugh.

Work is still hectic but i begin to find ways to enjoy it. For all the things i have to do, i'll do my best. but i won't be that naive to think what i do can please everyone. There's always someone that is going to pick on my work. Normal, because i'm not perfect. But i don't care! I have tried my very best to do my duties as perfect as i can. In the end, i became unhappy and pessimistic. Somemore, i got no recognition for that. So now, i stop pushing myself and work has become enjoyable for me again.
Lesson of the week: Don't be afraid to admit you can't do it, or you'll find yourself getting no help at all.

I just chaired a programme development meeting 2 days ago. Still need to improve on that.

I've been naughty this week. I cancelled an assignment that my previous HoD wanted me to give to the students. I made quite a lot of changes in the programme guide that he had done before he left. And i feel so happy to do those things. Haha! Bad me!
Honestly, i like the new department staff and the new HoD. Because i'm given more flexibility and freedom now to do things my way.

I fast too, from the time i stepped into the school compound until i left the school. That is about 8 hours. I"m hoping that after the fasting month, my capacity will be reduced.
Thanks to my hectic work, i'm now going to bed early because i'll be sleepy before 10.30am and i'm waking up early too. On non-working days, i still wake up early, like 7am. Healthy sleeping pattern and i see great improvement on my skin. Yea!

Have i mentiond that one of my subjects is given now to a new staff? That's such a relief. I can focus more on my biotech.

I envy Lizzy that you can go all around those places. People who have been to many places always see things in different ways from people who only stay in one country. Those people tend to be more open-minded, bigger hearted, more adaptive, know better about the meaning of life.
Somehow, i know i won't be dare enough to travel on my own in any countries i'm not familiar with. I thought of going to Taiwan again and if i do that, it'll be a slow and steady type of trip. I also want to go to Australia again. I still find it more comfortable to go around chinese places.
I've always thought that if only chinese is the main language used here, my life will be very different now. For some unknown reasons, I always think that i'm under-developed. I have talents in many things but did not have the chance to further improve it into skills.I can swim, i can play songs with keyboard (w/o background music), i can dance, i can sing (a bit lah). All of those are self-learned so i never know if i'm doing it the right way. I used to like playing piano or music as a kid and my dad had promised me more tha once that he would send me to piano lesson. But he never fulfilled his promise. Nothing to be surprised. Sometimes i would think, if i was sent to learn all those, where will i be now?
Or maybe.. i would have stopped liking those long time ago.
Oh my god! How pathetic! I'm putting the blame on someone else for not being master in anything!
It's still not too late now for me to pick up on skills or knowledge i missed. But, i think i have better use of those money. I heard my car will be out anytime soon. Oh no! Money again!

One of my close cousins is in uni now. When they first found out he is accepted, the whole family celebrated it. My other cousin celebrated it for him too.
I never know how does it feel to have someone celebrating academic achievement for me. No matter how well i did, it is still MY business. Nothing much to do with anyone in my family. Eventually, i become someone who don't talk about my study and my work with my family. Whether i'm happy or not with my work, they don't know. None of them know what is my degree, what exactly i'm teaching. I have had my name on an international publication before but that doesn't mean anything to them.

Looking at my nieces and nephews now, i'm so glad that my parents don't interfere much in my growing-up. Kids nowadays so pity. I'm not a mother yet so i can't see the point of having a multi-talented child. Why must they learn so many things? After school, have to go to another school to learn other things. Tsk tsk tsk~ where's the childhood?

Swimming~

Today i went to swim at the sport complex, something i should've done but had been skipping for the past few weeks. It makes me happy when my body can move well.
As i was swimming, i realized although i'm not a perfectionist, i am self-conscious almost all the time.
I feel shy to wear swimsuit, especially when people i know are around. Keep thinking that my gosh, my legs are huge, my tummy is bulging, my arms are flabby. Do i look clumsy when i swim? Are my moves right?
Honestly, what can i expect when my swimming is self-learned?

In school, i am always tense, worrying what will people think if i complain too much, what will happen if i openly defend someone, if i appear to be close with someone...

No wonder i am exhausted.

But don't worry, i've made up my mind now to accept who i am, accept the fact that i am not perfect and be happy with it.
Can't believe i have stopped to love myself for the past few weeks...
It's reflective, i can't accept my own incapability, so i become intolerant with people who don't do their work well. Just because someone is multi-tasking doesn't mean i have to be the same too. I must remember that everyone is unique and different (Recall Competitive Exclusion Principle). i may not be good at multi-tasking, but i do well when i'm focused ^_^

midnight post

not really.. it's not 12am yet. But it's way past my bedtime now. Just finished chatting with dear. Miss him so much. The last time i met him was like... 2 weeks ago. Such a long time :p

Work is still the same, miserable. But something happened this morning that i can't wait till tomorrow to post it here.

This week, our department is visited by the external moderator. I had a 30-mins chat with him about my teaching and the students. Then, consulted him about few things. People who are experienced like him have sharp eyes. This morning, he actually offered to help me moderating all my papers in the near future, since all biotech staff are either gone or leaving. At that moment, i almost burst into tears. I've been feeling quite depressing about work recently so his offer is just like, sunlight penetrating the gloomy cloud above and reached me. It's like telling me, as long as i work hard and sincerely, people will see it. It's just a matter of time.
I felt so sad to bid goodbye to him just now. Of course there are few colleagues who understand my situation but to receive help from an outsider, i am moved.

But again, it pointed out the ugly truth. Even stranger like him cares about people who get left behind like me. Sadly, our own people seem to be blind to it. Or maybe it only happens to the minority like us chinese.
Ok, i understand that certain things are unavoidable. Quite a number of us are overloaded. Sometimes i understand it is because there's no one else. But there are times when such things are preventable. For example, stop creating new task when you don't have enough human resource.

These days i stop myself from posting because i'm fed up with the me who complains about the job non-stoply. I like my job but the working environment is very discouraging. I choose to believe that it's a training for me. At least now i know not to let people step over me easily, although that still happens often. What to do, i usually realized it only after the incident is over.

Anyway, all i wanted to say is, gambate! Life is fair. You work more, you'll gain more!
These days i'm so fed up with feeling tired and then start to pick on my work. So today i remind mysef to relax. Just do what i can. When it's time to rest, just take a break. Don't be afraid to be nice to myself. So, even if no one appreciates me, i am there for myself. Why should i live up to people's expectation when they don't bother about me? I must remember, admitting my own incapability is nothing to be ashamed of.

I wish i could travel like Lizzy eh... Hehe but with my character now, i'll probably stress over the amount of money i need to spend before anything.