malaysia national day

i'm sorry lizzy...didn't mean to hurt your feeling...
the sentence you quoted in your blog...about me thinking twice...not only money lah...other things too..
like...i wish to go vacation too...but cant..because my mom's waiting for me to have holiday so she can take a break...as for things that pamper me..i'm considering those as pampering because i can only do them once in a long while and when they're cheap...and the main thing i'm refering to..was probably the amount of money you spent on laneige...before you bought it..i used to think i've spent too much on my Pure&Mild...costed me $30 and it's just for face..
after reading your blog..it also makes me think...am i really spending too much?? is $15 spa too expensive?? i really thought it was cheap enough as another $5 more will be a whole set with pedicure..$20 - foot spa, pedicure, new experience and mind satisfaction..
i know it all along that i've been spending a lot...but for me..those kind of things are compulsory..like..grocery, gifts for important people, fuel, dating of course i share with dear lah for dating...ok..i admit i spend on clothing and accessories too...with the reason, or excuse, of rewarding myself...i save those money too..but since i'm the last one in this house who can go for vacation or be away for few days..i spend it on shopping..something which can make me feel better...or look better...
i used to feel proud of myself..when i think of when given same amount of money...i can spend on several things but others probably just spend it on a single thing..like..people buy 1 set of facial product but i can buy 3 to 4 sets..people set their hair for once but i can iron my hair for 3 to 4 times too..since aunt amy charged me $30 for the hair..people do facial treatment for once i can do twice..they buy 1 skirt i buy few shirts..they eat one meal i eat for whole week lunch..but now i wonder what's there to be so proud about it..

i hate defending myself like that...makes me sound so pathetic...las if i'm the victim of some criminal crimes..everyone's her own reason for things she does...and i appreciate that from lizzy's blog..i see another way of spending...which doesnt suit my life...probably i'm just misguided by the way things look like..
god! i've been considering discovering the differences between me and other people as good things...but now i prbably have to think more before i give any judgement next time..

i feel the distance too..like..i feel intimidate to talk with you..even before reading that post of yours...been trying to find a time to lunch out with you..or hang out..like we used to do last semester...i enjoy the atmosphere between us..like we don't spend our day together but when we meet..we can still talk like old days..sometimes i think the distance comes from our different lifestyle..and different schedule too lah..everyone seems so busy this semester..with all the classes taking up lunch hour...but i know the major reason is i never ask...i don't know why..just feel scared to be alone with you at the moment..maybe i need to spend time with you alone for once to feel normal..maybe wait till this issue sinks down

oh yeah..for the zul and sal things...i don't disagree...people from different status think differently...in fact..i think i'm somewhere in between..i don't enjoy seeing each other all the time too...will feel being chained that way..but there will be days when i wish to see dear..when i'm happier or upset than usual..i'm single when i'm not with him..especially when i'm in school..it's only when i don't want misundstanding then i'll mention i have a bf..but who knows..i'm feeling this way is because me and dear are supposed to be 'underground'..

hmm..anything i miss out??
i get defensive too after reading lizzy's blog..for the first time, i feel i'm betrayed in a way..because what i said was published in another person's blog...this blog is supposed to be between me and dear and you guys..erm..kee knows it accidentally when i posted a comment on his blog..but doubt he'll read it..but even when i was upset..the first thing came to my mind is..saying sorry to lizzy..although i still think it's not wrong for me to say anything in my blog...oh yeah vasco knows my blog too...gosh..i'm starting to feel conscious..but somehow i trust vasco..he doesn't seem like someone who gossip..

ah...am i thinking too much?? sometimes the way people ask me questions...they ask me in a way that..so careful and gentle..as if i'm fragile...

i feel so much calmer and fine now...but i still wish to apologize once again to lizzy for..my thoughtless opinion...i just typed and typed and typed...
sorry lizzy...i really never intend to judge you...it's so natural for me to think that way when i'm in your group...subconsciously, i'm comparing myself with people around me..that's my shortcoming i know...
hope you're not longer angry with me...i guess you'd say no more...

sunday morning..morning??

wow..didn't realise it's been a week since i last updated here..time flies...probably because i was busy for whole week...just a bit busy..the type of busy that can make people energetic..
thanks to the cooking club session this week..i start to think avocado isn't that bad...or maybe..it's the fact that it's good for skin and health makes me change my mind..hehe..

i went for ironing my hair erm..day before yesterday..and day before that, i tried foot spa...woo~~ i think i can't wait for the second time to go again...it's only $15...and i can relax, enjoy the massage and have my feet smoother...i'm addicted to the feeling of pampering myself...i get this kind of feeling when i go to foot spa, hair treatment, facial, shopping, treating myself good food...even buying magazines i like...and i'm tempted to go shopping now..because of the allowance..haha..

money is very powerful..i hate doing lottery..hate the idea that i'm doing something illegal when i do it..but..everything become tolerable when i got pay for it..why is money so important...why do people have to valuate everything...

i think i'm not going to dye my hair anymore..at least at the moment..and when i'm still studying...don't have that much of time to look after it...and...i can't stop feeling worried when i'm in the campus..

yesterday i joined lizzy's group while waiting for the tutorial class...i have to admit that..the things they talk about...are not my kind of topic..but..somehow i like listening to them..as long as it doesn't give me any unpleasant feeling, i feel rather happy to note any differences between me and others...i think i'm not responsible enough to be a mother yet..because when i said i'll only have kids when i have enough money, the money isn't for the kids..it's for me to go for body treatment or on equipments, anything that can help me to regain my figure before pregnant..
the kind of things lizzy them buy or do..are something i need to think twice..or can't afford to do at the moment...but erm...i should be ashamed for this i guess..i mean..i listen and i secretly give comment on things they said in my heart...sorry oh...i only realized that's a wrong thing to do on my way home...but cant help oh..i think i do that quite often...

wish to shop for cds...i got so many cd i want to buy...so guess i'll have a hard time to decide which to buy and which not to buy...but i definitely want to buy vcds of jolin or cyndi's concert if i can find them..

last night i watched red eye with dear...can't really connect the movie's title with the story...but one thing i can confirm from the movie is..when you're in deep trouble, yourself is the most reliable person you can count on...
i actually want to watch herbie..and bewitched..but no show on that during 9 plus..
i like watching movies featuring westeners teenage or youth life..like..freaky friday, princess diary..makes me feel keen in dressing up myself...used to feel that way though after watching that kind of movies...now...maybe i've grown up..watching lady first gives me that feeling too..

i talked with puteri a couple of weeks ago...and she sounds disagree with dr marcus's advice..the one saying you should not stick to your friends all the time when in uni...that'll only make you slaggy in your work..erm..i kind of get his point now...or maybe..his advice suits me now..when i'm alone, i progress well in my work oh..but when i'm with someone else...almost can't do anything except talking, gossiping....
but when i listen to lizzy's conversation with her friend..i feel as if i'm a nerd..only study study and study when in school..i don't even talk about guys with any friends of mine..
but i think i've improved...i hope...i don't enjoy boasting to others how busy i am..i enjoy what i'm doing now..maybe a bit too lonely at times...but..lonely can also means freedom ah..also gives me time to appreciate things around me...
i'm lazy..but i wish to strengthen my chinese...in terms of writing...since i pick up fast in that language..so i'm strong in both reading and writing...probably i can become a writer one day...an extra income ah..with a relaxing job..
my mom told dear not to marry me unless i have my own income...or else he'll be broke...:p
i only spend when i got extra jua..and i only use my own money for pampering myself..if use others' money..that's not pampering myself anymore liau lah..

oh yeah..bad mimi..kept making me laugh during the japanese lecture

drowsy..

just wake up not long ago...feel very weak..my flu still here..and think it's worse than yesterday..
don't know..probably i didn't rest well...or..i didn't control my diet..but..what's there to control when you're in a party anyway..
last night was my niece's 1-year-old party...i didn't really have fun though..
if i can go..i'd have gone out with dear to have our own time...because the party just didn't suit me at all...i don't drink, don't gamble, and i don't usually go around to chit-chat with people..i'm never a good host of any function i guess...
last night i was thinking..if i have a child..i'll prefer to spend my child's first birthday in a warmth and sweet way..instead of having a party, people get drunk and gambled till don't know what time..they're still gambling when i went to bed at 2.30...i'd want my kid to have fun on the birthday...kid's fun..
and something happened to me in the party that got on my nerve...don't wish to mention it..

had a bad day on wednesday...people asked me to wait for them and after an hour..told me i can go home..without them...that happened twice within an hour...the fire in me was like..shooting up within seconds...but..as usual..i could only keep it inside me..the anger just diffused through every single cell in my body but it just won't come out from my mouth...haih...wonder it's a good thing or bad..

finally the party is over...so i can have more time to myself...yea~

for everyone who's sick out there...take care oh..and get well soon..
need to buy another bottle of cough syrup..i've almost finished this one..yet i'm still coughing..

shopping~

had a nice day today..had lunch with dear..and sherman and willie..then i went to buy eshyn's gift...but i came home with 3..4..or 5 or more plastic or shopping bags..hehe..
i bought a shirt for myself, a shirt for my sis, a long-sleeve for fook, a gift for eshyn, a set of clothing too for eshyn..then cleo and nuyou for this month, a pack ot cleanser wipe, hmm..what else...something more..tried mister pizza's pizza..and avocado shake..i just feel..excellent after buying everything...if not because i remember today is just tuesday at last minute, i would've spent more...
when i sat in the car..i can't stop the big smile on my face..forgot all about my coughing, my works, my stress...everything bad gone from my mind...
avocado quite nice..and the fact that it's good for the skin makes it double nice...

then i realized it's quite easy to speak up in my sp class..probably because there are only 6 of us..and the lecturer is the same like last sem...
and tomorrow got japanese class..hehe..another thing to cheer my day up..

finished my shopaholic novel last night..thought of buying another one...big girl don't cry..something like that..but..erm...cannot cannot..maybe next month lah..or next month allowance i should say...plus i got cleo and nu you..probably need to look for female...they only got the july issue..so bad...

i think next week i'll ask vanessa out...don't want to wait for tek ying lor...she probably too concerned with the money..so whenever i suggest asking vanessa out..she just remain quiet..

hm..what else..
feel a bit sorry for lizzy for having an awful day...hm..maybe think it on a positive side..you learnt one thing today...that is 1 ticket for each applicant...and having bad day among 7 days in the week..makes life feel real ah...
ok..maybe im just saying craps here..

tonight a bit...hm...hope i didn't hurt my dear too much lor..feel like i keep letting him down these days...busy with tuition, assignment, babysitting..

oh yeah...saturday night...mimi (equal to your sayang also) and lizzy..you 2/3 are invited to my place..to my niece's birthday party...halah food serve oh mi...
will be quite a lot of people lah...my sis's friends like meimei's cousin, her colleages...my bro-in-law friends like chee, giap, sherman....i got a feeling they invited all the people in tutong..just invite whenever they bump into someone...i forgot to invite suaike when i saw him this morning...well..i actually forgot that i should invite...erm..a bit confused lor..like who i can invite and who i can leave out...but mimi and lizzy are certainly my VIP lah..hehe..please come ah...free dinner oh...why not right?

correction

oh god..i didn't know why on earth did i type 18 the other day...
but come to think of it..if lizzy is 18 now..then me too oh..because we're borned in the same year..hehe..
had fun at her buffet party..or is it a party??
hehe..and i think most of the fun was created by lini...made me can't stop laughing and lost my voice...but really thank him lah..he always cooked for us eh for the bbq...feel a bit embarass but still..i know i'll do the same thing if there's next time..haha..i can't imagine if that night lini and fajar were sitting near to each other, what will we all become...sure will created more noise at the restaurant eh...and i like nisa's outfit that night..suited her very well..
and i can't stop wondering is there anything happen between uncle and mizah..after that night..
probably no..i guess..
bad me :p

i love my japanese class eh...it's fun...but yesterday was a bit difficult for me..because i didn't have my voice...and i still prefer dr mirza's lectures..because he made everything easy to remember...but dr chan just teach and teach and teach...but she's quite good too lah..

last night i felt so sick oh...coughed too much during morning...so till now..every time i cough or snneze..can feel the muscle from my shoulders up to my chest and tummy are aching...hope tomorrow will get better...i hate the itch at the throat when it's there yet not strong enough to make me cough..feel like crying eh..but..i seldom got sick right..so..sometimes feel a bit happy lah when i know 'm sick..

i must find a day to go shopping next week..eshyn's birthday is coming up but i haven't bought her gift yet..and i haven't got this month's magazines...
i realized i start to admire jolin tsai..she looks so great when she's on stage...wish i can find her concert vcd or dvd..then learn all her dance steps..good way to exercise too..

money-sick

it's so depressing to see so many nice blouses there yet my pocket is tight...can see can touch yet can't buy..haih...that's torture!!!
bought a new printer..that's a must, since repairing the old printer will cost only a little cheaper than buying the new one...then..spent nearly $40 on petrol since last week..another huge blow to my wallet..but a must also...haih...i didn't even lunch out eh...
thank god the allowance is out..
hm..i'm determined lor..from now on..i must spend wisely..have to make a budget plan..

i had great time in japanese class just now..hehe..the lecturer called me to ask if i'm friend to Onn someone...but idon't know..then she said goodnight to me and asked me how do i say that in japanese...hehe i didn't let her down lah...oyasuminasai~

i'm started to cough again..i told dear it's his fault..he was having sore throat yesterday when we had lunch..and we tasted each other's food...but honestly..tek ying has been coughing too..so don't know lah..probably the virus had a second attack on me..since i stopped taking the cough syrup before the mucus is completely gone..strepsil is not enough ah :p

someone is turning 18..in less than 2 hours time from now..but she's probably in her sleep lor..
happy birthday bedukang...don't think i'll sms you at midnight eh..i probably will be sleeping lah..last year..my gift for you was disappointing..initially i really thought giving you some of my favourite things are sweet...but then..last minute..i felt soo regret..hope you didn't mind...

mind you 2 old ladies...excuse me tomorrow night for bringing my virus with me ah..hard to keep it at home bah :p

;)

just now had lunch with dear..feel so happy about it...got a feeling like..ah~ finally~
hehe...the last time we had lunch together outside my place was like ages ago..

i realized i was very ill-prepared for the practical just now..and also saturday...i finished tidying up all my notes and work..but still..i was too slow..i only completed reading the notes for BI2206 after the practical..and i'm yet to start with BI2208..i'm too slow...yet i feel exhausted at night..
getting old i'm afraid..hehe :p
i really need to sleep early at night eh..early as in..10.30..or before 11..so i can have enough energy to face my day..i like it when i can finish all the assignments, advance preparation for lectures and arrange my notes...makes me feel complete as a student..but too bad i haven't got the time to do preparation for lectures...although looking through microscope is awful, i must say that i enjoy all the courses i take thisz semester...because finally i feel like a bio student..and i look forward to busy days..

although i'm a bit tired now..i still feel..erm..good spirit..because my life is nearly perfect for me now..
at the moment..really no complaints anymore lor..if got..then i'd be too greedy

monday morning

i think i really like the timetable this semester...because i'm free on every monday morning..or even if not free..i won't have to go to school early...starting my monday later makes me feel as if i start my week later than other people...good thing for lazy people like me :p

i watched seven sword last saturday night...erm..not as boring as i thought..but not my type of movie..too violent and bloody..and i think the technique of filming yet to improve..because some of the scenes were not clear..i had no idea what the people were doing..especially those fighting scenes..sometimes it;s just too dark to see..

on saturday morning..i can still remember the excitement when my dear first told me that he'd got selected by itb...mainly because i felt what my dear felt..so feel close to him..plus..now we both study in the same area oh..next time can go for lunch together..i hope...
hope he has a nice day today in school..

thanks for mimi...now i can take japanese lor..at first thought cant take it liau because the time the tutor gave to rai them was clashed with my environmental policy on tuesday..

i'm waiting for the allowance to out then i can go shopping..need to buy magazines of this month.. also steam my hair..and probably need to trim a little bit..

my mom is nice to me..she never forgets me when she strikes a lottery or earn extra..which makes me even sure that i must study well and make her proud of me..

my niece's birthday is coming soon..in about 2 weeks time...my sis and bro-in-law were organizing a party for her..although we all thought it's not needed..save money mah..because they're not financially stable..plus..what does eshyn know jua..

after effect

continue to my previous post...
i feel touched and grateful...there's no reason for me to be depressed..because as far as i can remember, people never give up on me...even someone like my dad...although he betray us..he still willing to fulfill our demands...still thinks i'll have high achievements...my life is full of cares and love...do i sound like showing off?? i'm just speaking the truth...

i like talking to, or rather, asking, lizzy and mimi...especially when i have no idea what to do..because you guys never agree with me blindly...some people will just assume there's a good intention behind everything i do...
and i have 100% trust in the 2 old ladies...like..when i'm with them..i can just say anything i want..and feel safe to talk about secrets and crack jokes..

i once did a quiz...and i agree with the answer..it said something like..my bestfriends will be those who won't demand or need me to be with them all the time...more or less like the situation between me and you 2 old ladies lah...we keep in touch...seldom meet yet still can talk a lot when meet...it's like..we don't need physical bonding to keep the friendship going...i don't feel distant when we don't meet...well actually..i've passed the time when i felt insecure about not connecting with you guys...during form 6...but i think that's more to do with falling in love kua..too attached to my dear till lost track of what you guys were doing...

you know..i really think i've grown up lah..because i see things differently now..and i learnt to cherish a lot of things in my life..i'm clearer about what i want...come to think of it..i have ambitious goal too ah...i want everyone in my family, especially my mom..to have good life...i want to sponsor my mom at least one vacation each year...so i better start as early as i can to earn money..

late..or lagging..

opposite attract, are we, lizzy??
something's wrong with my pc...and all your blogs address are in my favourite folder in that pc..so i didn't read your blog util today..
a bit shock lor when i read lizzy's blog about me..was i too ignorant all that while..i never sense anything at that time...now i can see the advantage of us having different programmes and groups of friends...and i'm glad you're got your confidence...
before..i used to envy you..even till now sometimes i still do...mainly for your family and finance kua...but never jealous lah...i love you too..and..i appreciate what i have now..because i know very well if not because of what happened in my family, i'd still be the same as before, naive and impractical..dreamy till death...believed in fairy tales...well i still believe in fairy tales..just that i know it never happen to me..yet...hehe..

honestly, i felt guilty when i read your blog...feel very sorry to you...but i guess the reason you said it out is not for me to apologize kua...so i kick the guilt out of me..and i'm glad you've said it out eh...feel like..a step closer now :)

life is like that huh...last year..or last 2 year..i remember similar things happened between me and bee...at the time when i envied her appearance and luck with guys..she envied me for my intelligence and look too..and also personality...life..we always go for things we don't have and neglect what we've been given..

and i still feel helpless and speechless with the way people think of me...but i really think with the way i am now..my type of attitudes and behaviour...no one will think i'm a angelic person..because i think i'm less initiative, less friendly and more rude now...don't know what the people are thinking lah...
i felt worry actually about myhair when i went to uni on monday...scared i'll be 'tegur' by any bad mood lecturer...but i still refuse and resist the desire to dye my hair back to black..first reason, of course, i really like it...second reason, just want to be rebellious for once..
but..that's not me...eventhough i really like to add more colours to my hair..i still think as a student i shouldn't...so..in dilemma now..i just don't want to feel worried when i'm at school lah..

hm..what else ah...i've got a lot more to say..but i forgot liau..really can't concentrate on 2 different things at the same time eh...next time i'll make sure i don;t chat when i'm updating..

sz thinks i'm not enjoying my life...because i don't go out and experience new things..
he is wrong...i am enjoying my life...i told him we just define 'life' differently and have different life..for him of course can do the things he's doing lah...but me..i can't...but luckily i'm not the type who is pessimistic...i believe no matter what happen..how terrible is my life...there is still a way to find fun in it..plus..my life isn't that bad...

new semester

i feel as if i'm a small kid on the first day of school...i got excited when i realized i'm in the same class with who and who...like...in my computer class, vicky is there..oh yeah have you guys seen her?? i think she looks great with that hair colour...then chia wei also in my computer class, dibah's boyfriend too..quite a lot of tall and big guys...but none of them handsome one..
plus i always think they're juniors....hehe..i really enjoy observing the new faces through eyes of seniors...then i also captured the fun of being in a big class, where students are in different years, from different programmes...more surprise lor that way...that's the fun in uni i missed when i was in biomed...

i plan to study really hard this semester...well..i plan to study hard at the beginning of every semester...hehe and in the end of every semester, i regretted for not studying hard enough..

why do people have to ask me about my love life...when chatting, ask how do i do with my bf...when see me, ask where is my dear...even when praising me getting prettier liau also link it to the fact that i'm in love...i put in effort to get prettier...not my dear lah..plus i've been in love for almost 3 years now eh...not as if just fallen in love lah...and..because we have to keep our relationship from his parents..i really don't feel comfortable when people ask me about it..especially those i'm not close with..

oh yeah..saw ching just now..his hair reminds me of dragonball..hehe...too bad not in the same class with him anymore...he's a lot fun to talk with..