malaysia national day

i'm sorry lizzy...didn't mean to hurt your feeling...
the sentence you quoted in your blog...about me thinking twice...not only money lah...other things too..
like...i wish to go vacation too...but cant..because my mom's waiting for me to have holiday so she can take a break...as for things that pamper me..i'm considering those as pampering because i can only do them once in a long while and when they're cheap...and the main thing i'm refering to..was probably the amount of money you spent on laneige...before you bought it..i used to think i've spent too much on my Pure&Mild...costed me $30 and it's just for face..
after reading your blog..it also makes me think...am i really spending too much?? is $15 spa too expensive?? i really thought it was cheap enough as another $5 more will be a whole set with pedicure..$20 - foot spa, pedicure, new experience and mind satisfaction..
i know it all along that i've been spending a lot...but for me..those kind of things are compulsory..like..grocery, gifts for important people, fuel, dating of course i share with dear lah for dating...ok..i admit i spend on clothing and accessories too...with the reason, or excuse, of rewarding myself...i save those money too..but since i'm the last one in this house who can go for vacation or be away for few days..i spend it on shopping..something which can make me feel better...or look better...
i used to feel proud of myself..when i think of when given same amount of money...i can spend on several things but others probably just spend it on a single thing..like..people buy 1 set of facial product but i can buy 3 to 4 sets..people set their hair for once but i can iron my hair for 3 to 4 times too..since aunt amy charged me $30 for the hair..people do facial treatment for once i can do twice..they buy 1 skirt i buy few shirts..they eat one meal i eat for whole week lunch..but now i wonder what's there to be so proud about it..

i hate defending myself like that...makes me sound so pathetic...las if i'm the victim of some criminal crimes..everyone's her own reason for things she does...and i appreciate that from lizzy's blog..i see another way of spending...which doesnt suit my life...probably i'm just misguided by the way things look like..
god! i've been considering discovering the differences between me and other people as good things...but now i prbably have to think more before i give any judgement next time..

i feel the distance too..like..i feel intimidate to talk with you..even before reading that post of yours...been trying to find a time to lunch out with you..or hang out..like we used to do last semester...i enjoy the atmosphere between us..like we don't spend our day together but when we meet..we can still talk like old days..sometimes i think the distance comes from our different lifestyle..and different schedule too lah..everyone seems so busy this semester..with all the classes taking up lunch hour...but i know the major reason is i never ask...i don't know why..just feel scared to be alone with you at the moment..maybe i need to spend time with you alone for once to feel normal..maybe wait till this issue sinks down

oh yeah..for the zul and sal things...i don't disagree...people from different status think differently...in fact..i think i'm somewhere in between..i don't enjoy seeing each other all the time too...will feel being chained that way..but there will be days when i wish to see dear..when i'm happier or upset than usual..i'm single when i'm not with him..especially when i'm in school..it's only when i don't want misundstanding then i'll mention i have a bf..but who knows..i'm feeling this way is because me and dear are supposed to be 'underground'..

hmm..anything i miss out??
i get defensive too after reading lizzy's blog..for the first time, i feel i'm betrayed in a way..because what i said was published in another person's blog...this blog is supposed to be between me and dear and you guys..erm..kee knows it accidentally when i posted a comment on his blog..but doubt he'll read it..but even when i was upset..the first thing came to my mind is..saying sorry to lizzy..although i still think it's not wrong for me to say anything in my blog...oh yeah vasco knows my blog too...gosh..i'm starting to feel conscious..but somehow i trust vasco..he doesn't seem like someone who gossip..

ah...am i thinking too much?? sometimes the way people ask me questions...they ask me in a way that..so careful and gentle..as if i'm fragile...

i feel so much calmer and fine now...but i still wish to apologize once again to lizzy for..my thoughtless opinion...i just typed and typed and typed...
sorry lizzy...i really never intend to judge you...it's so natural for me to think that way when i'm in your group...subconsciously, i'm comparing myself with people around me..that's my shortcoming i know...
hope you're not longer angry with me...i guess you'd say no more...