idle..

feel like.. everyone has something to be busy about.. except me..
i don't hang out with friends.. don't watch football.. my pockets not full enough for shopping trips.. yet i don't have much free time..
now the only thing that i'm feeling good about is keeping fit.. which i don't have a lot of friends to share this interest with..
wish to go labuan.. but the time is not appropriate.. don't want to postpone my tuition for my own pleassures..

so soon the normal schools are reopening.. but i still have to wait for more than a month to study..
thank god i have the japanese speech contest to keep my mind occupied for some time..

went to kuala lulah today.. my first time.. the bbq chickens wings looked yummy.. but there were too many of them there.. sold by several stalls.. which made my stomach feel stuffed just by looking at them.. but i bought some bananas and one buah sukun from a nice old lady.. and i only realized it's actually more economical if i pay everything in RM after i got into the car..

come to think of it... i have had some friendship crisis ever since i entered uni.. sometimes i blame it on others.. but most of the time i know it's partly my own fault.. i always think true friends stay.. no matter what.. but i forgot that not everyone thinks it this way.. the society keeps changing.. people too.. no one will always stay the same.. but memories stay so i have lots of nice ones to keep me going.. at the time i felt left out.. i asked myself have i done the same to someone or some people too?? there are some friends i deliberately left out.. just to make sure i have enough time for my study and people who are more important in my life.. so i guess if i ever felt neglected.. i shouldn't complain much..
i always think..what i don't do to others.. i don't expect others to do that to me.. but the irony is.. how can i be sure that i don't do it to others??
like many people.. i use a magnifying glass to look at my weaknesses which i can accept.. but i'm blinded to those i don't feel fine with..
i always try to be cheerful.. but deep down i'm more of a pessimistic person.. the good side of it is i'm always preparing for the worse..though not the worst..
and i'll always remember that i have lots of good friends who will never forget me..
sometimes i wonder am i subconsciously try to keep a distance from lizzy.. so i won't cry that bad when she's leaving.. or.. is that just a way to comfort myself about the fact that we don't click like before.. i love going out with my bunch of girlfriends.. but going out with lizzy alone now doesn't feel natural.. i feel bit pressurized with the silence between us.. maybe because i'll keep comparing the time we spend with the time she spend with nisa.. for me.. when they're together.. there's always laughters and they understand each other's jokes so well.. as for me.. i don't have much to say about the things they talk.. that's why most of the time i'm quiet when with them.. but that's not because i'm bored.. i felt comfortable by just listening to them.. but i wonder will they misunderstand that as i'm bored..
i'm sorry lizzy.. you said before you don't like to be observed by people.. but.. when your conversation is the only sound in the surrounding.. it's hard not to notice what's in your conversation..

i've been keeping too much things inside me this year.. sometimes they are just too unpleasant for me to mention.. sometimes i don't think i should mention in case i get on someone's nerve..
so.. in the end.. i got somewhat like a mental break-down.. i cried a few times in a very hard way just to get over the stress.. it's not good to my mental health at all.. because the more i suppress myself.. the more tendency i keep all the negative thoughts to myself.. to avoid making people angry.. i end up angry with myself inside me.. i consider myself very silly actually.. trying all my best to keep a beautiful surface.. even if it's rotten inside.. of course things are not as bad as rotten stuffs.. just.. sometimes i wish i could be more straightforward.. because when i don't keep swallowing the negative thoughts.. i feel happier and.. a better me...