just for lizzy ;)

forgot to say...take care oh lizzy..you're not fully recovered yet...must be because you laughed at swait zin too much...so..never make fun of other people again oh :P haha

back from school...

just arrived home less than an hour ago..not as tired as last monday..i guess shopping is far far far less tiring than pumping at the gym...honestly..i don't look forward to exercise in the gym..prefer to swim....maybe because exercising in an air-conditoned room suffocate me or maybe..i just love swimming...i get tired after exercising in the gym for maybe half an hour...but i don't feel tired at all even after one hour swimming..hehe...what to do..i'm a pisces..hehe :p
it's the problem of getting tan that i'm concerning...although i agree that honey-coloured skin looks great..i still think it's better to be fair...so i look fine with any colours...especially colours like purple..which will only look nice if the person is fair...

i figured out one thing today...or maybe it's not the first time i feel so..just feel erm.. uneasy to tell lizzy... actually...the idea of hanging out with you and your schoolmates, as in nisa them...freak me out sometimes...it's sort of like..i'm seeing you guys just like how people in art classes used to see people like us in science classes....i have that pressure when talking with them..it's like..i'll be so conscious in case i make silly mistakes or i can't cope with what they say..
of course i know they're nice people... but..i'm never that good in controlling my feelings... can't help to feeling i'm 'short' when with them.... i hope..i'm not spoiling your day by telling you this..

you know..i've learnt now to say no to food..any food..even if it's tasty or whatever..as long as i'm not hungry...i can make myself to reject the offer...with few seconds hesitation..:P
but i can't say no to any clothes that get my attention...i must be looking like a weirdo just now..walking all around the shops looking at the clothes and at the same time..keep telling myself..no, not to buy..i have had enough for the new year....and at the end..i ended up buying a long sporty pants for myself... and my dear so sweet oh...in case my mom nag..i can say it's a gift from him...hehe...

sometimes i feel bad for my dear...i have that tendency to leave him behind...i guess i just..take him for granted unconsciously....that's normal right when you expect your boyfriend to be there all the time for you so you think it's nothing wrong to go for someone else first, someone like a crying niece? i know he can understand it...but..if it were me..i'll be jealous or at least disappointed..because with the way i think..i'll likely think that i'm not the most important person for him..hehe...spoiled me..:p

oh yeah..i had a new hairstyle...maybe lizzy is right..the length is a problem...but..i don't mind.. i care more about the health of my hair...the look ah...it can be taken care of later..:P

yea~ finally done with the timetable..no more clashes...and no more dropping courses..i hope..

hey lizzy...mimi and i and mama..also anna and some more i think are thinking to go to the gym at JPMC one day..together..wanna join us?? i'm sure you'll like to..hehe...or else you'll just have to end up missing us like hell..haha...
you sure you're fatter?? but i really think that when i looked at you during the bio class on tuesday..your arm looked smaller oh...don't tell me it's mine that have grown bigger??!!! NOOOOO~~~~ :P hehe

i want to go shopping...i need to go shopping...i want to buy some new outfits..although i already have more than enough for the chinese new year...won't be needing a lot since we have to study anyway...but..i can't help it! i can't even remember when is the last time i dress up confidently..
i'm getting fed-up with my life which is all about study now...i need to go out, get wild and have fun for some time...

hm...there's something more i want to talk about...but i forgot what is it...next time i guess...if i remember

i miss biomed classmates finally

vanessa is leaving soon..she got accepted by the medicine school in Malaysia..good for her..
but her leaving reminds me of myself leaving biomed...less than a year ago we all just knew each other...and we got really close during the second semester...and now...at the beginning of the third semester, i left, tek ying transfered, and then..vanessa is leaving soon...
just now we had our molecular genetics lecture in the room biomed used to have their classes..
i needed to hold the tears back...can't pay much attention to what dr zohrah said actually..was preoccupied by all the memories i shared with the biomed friends...and boy, how much i miss them...
a part of me..feel happy for vanessa...but another part of me feels sad for her..she's going to leave her family, her friends and like what she said, her home here in brunei and start an entire new life there....but i'm sure she can get through it..she's outgoing and initiative...

lizzy has slimmed down oh...panda's right...i feel like my arms are bigger than yours now..

now i can see the difference between students like me and students like other normal courses..
like us..me, mimi, anna, tek ying...we take down notes on what the lecturer said...but just now during bio class..the girl sat beside me..she's like waiting for the time to pass..counting how many more slides to go....and she almost didn't use her pen at all...
and i'm a bit annoyed by the way she looked at what i was doing and smile and shook her head...
that's why i go against her way of attending class also :P

ok..i'm tired..so i whine..:P

before bedtime...

i'm a typical girl...if someone told me she has put on weight i'll think it's ok as long as she still looks the same...but if i put on weight...just 1 kg is a big deal...i'm trying to be as slim as possible all the time but honestly, i wish i could be like lizzy oh...you eat and don't bother to care...
i won't longer think the difference in us is because i have a bf...we both mind what others think of us..others as in people who mean a lot to us...and i always let it affect me...affect my decision and everything...also..i really enjoy the feeling when i can fit into any clothes i choose...hehe..

exchanging role ah...maybe...but don't worry...because..like what tek ying said..she couldn't imagine it when i told her back in secondary school..i was more active than lizzy oh...hehe...so i'm sure you'll join us again..even not in the same class....i guess i've really become very subtle.... i really prefer to hide in the shadow now...and..i only take initiative when i'm with my family and dear...when i'm with other people...er...it's not because i don't appreciate friendship anymore...i just believe true friendship doesn't need to me to make myself to do something unwillingly... you guys understand right?? maybe for others..i never do anything...but i know what i'm doing... like me and chiou... i won't blame myself for not putting in effort lor...just go with the flow...
i don't know how to put my feeling into words.... just like i'm not so good at expresing my feelings out now...

planned to go swimming tomorrow morning but then i changed my mind..afraid i'll be too tired for the lectures tomorrow...erm..thought when i change to biological science..me and lizzy will meet more often..but then...not so leh..meet mimi more eh...and..hmm....we're always the one missing mimi and mimi leh...update and your site and let us know how much you miss us yeah..
hehe...

i donated that amount because....it's official and people of APB...those who're soo faithful to MIB...well i trust them...hehe...

i told myself...starting from next week onwards..tomorrow lah...i must study harder....at least slightly harder than last semester...
i believe i can find a way to organise my time between study, family, dear, friends and sports..

ok..time to rest...i need sufficient rest to start my plan for all..;)

finally...

finally done with the registration....left with a little problem with the time table for the course BI1115..hopefully no more clashes between the courses..
i feel a bit worried about the new courses though..that is geo and resource study I, a course in FBEPS...attended lectures of both..and i think geo will be a bit more difficult for me...maybe because resource study is more similar to bio...
but from my last geo lecrure...i learnt that a lot of things which i notice and think in my daily life is geography...i never know that life has so much geography...
but as i'm more confirmed with the time of the lectures of several courses..the more secure i feel..i don't like it when everything is not confirmed...feel insecure..as if my life is not controlled in my own hands...i'm the type of person who needs a stable life...even if the life routine bored me out..i still prefer to know what's exactly going on in my life...

i've donated $50..but i still feel i haven't done enough...because i didn't buy anything like food and clothes as i planned...and i've over-estimated myself...when i heard damit said that UBD is offering for students to volunteer to go to Acheh...i can't make myself to take part...if say it in a good way...i have no experiences in handling that kind of circumstances..i'll only create troubles for them...but honestly..i'm scared..i don't think i'm able to withstand it...just looking at those scenes shown on tv...i already cried lor...if i go there...i don't know...will i go crazy?? hmm..
in short..now it's not the time to go...but one day i must train myself to be able to volunteer this kind of task at any time...at the moment..all i can do is donating money and stuffs they need...
it's so awful to know i can't do any other things...

i don't quite like my schedule now...although there's always a big gap in between lectures..i can't do a lot since i have to remind myself not to forget about the time..the gap becomes a limit for me...but as what i told tek ying..i must make good use of the time and also the library...
but..a big but oh...today is just the third day yet i'm already very tired...but i think it's due to the walkings for the last 2 days...so i guess from next week onwards...everything will be fine...i hope..

one thing to be proud of myself..i didn't spend any money eversince monday...except for buying stationary for me and my brothers...the rest...not even a cent...if this can go on...wow...i can relax during december lor...but i know i also need to buy some stuffs to my aunt's place lah...can't always have free meal there mah...but i 've thought about it...it won't make any harm if i go out for lunch once or twice a week...as long as not too expensive.....maybe once in a while lor for japanese or korean food...hehe..:p i just can't stop having those...

first day of school...tiring and both ups and downs

so tiring...i was walking around the whole campus...from one end to the other end....starting from 8 to 12...and i haven't completed my registration yet!
too bad...like what dr walter roth said..other people are in their even semester but we're in our odd...yeah we...me and tek ying...
we had our first lecture of this semester..geography...it sounds interesting but at the end of the day when i reached home..i realised one problem...seems like my geo and my bio are clashing...so again..tomorrow we need to go around the campus..especially FOS..hopefully by tomorrow..everything can be completed...

if dr marshall refuse to change the time for bio on monday...honestly..i won't hesistate to quit geography...since it's the core while geo is only a supporting...the worst happens will be..no supporting this semester but dead busy next semester...

one thing to feel happy is..i'm joining my old friends in different classes...feel so...glad..hehe..can joke and talk with mimi and anna...those two 'twins'...always together in school..haha...

hm..it seems like..everytime when i need to go up and down the campus...tek ying is always with me...last time we did the same when we're looking for our psychology lecterer..this time..again for the transfering...
i don't feel sad anymore for leaving biomed...because been feeling sad last semester for few months..when no one knows about it....but now..after 'walking' so hard with tek ying...i selfishly hope that she can stay...but another part of me hopes she can get her appeal approved and transfer back to biomed again...hmm...dilemma...
i talked non-stoply with her just now...till i got thirsty..my mouth tired and i felt asleep on her bed..hehe...until dr david lane called..

still feel insecure..because except for those bio courses..the rest is still not confirmed yet..i don't like this feeling..feel as though my feet aren't touching the ground...haih...hope to get everything done tomorrow..

oh yeah..so far..no night classes..yea~~ then i can have tuition at any night..hehe

lousy father, real me

yesterday..i was really pissed off...just a phone call and asked me to lend him my car so he can go kuching?? i was just starting to think i should try to be nice to him and then...he let me down again..just like he always does...at that time i really felt despair oh...now at my house..my car is the only car..my mom's car in KB...yet he wants to use it to go kuching...with his new wife?? had he ever thought about if my aunt can't send the car back by today...how are we all going to school?? how is my mom going out to stock in food and other things?? why can't he think twice??
i really want to hate him...but i try not...because he's not worthed...
maybe like what lizzy said.he's just trying to prove himself and bla bla...but i can't forgive him...it's a lousy feeling when you know your father keeps marrying and divorcing...or worse, he marry a new one..after some time...slowly send her to miri or limbang or anywhere nearby..and marry another one again....it's been 3 times...and i won't surprise if there's next time..
if not because his car got fixed at last minute..he'll be using my car in kuching by now...and if that happens..i'll hope that the car get stolen...
that's why i want to buy a new car..a car of my own...i hate the feeling when he borrows my car..i'll feel as if the car gets dirty..after all those women and his friends travel in it...

i miss my friends...miss the time we hang out together...but i never take initiative to ask them out...feel lazy to organise...and..anytime something will come up in my house...maybe i'm just lazy...
nothing is perfect..so i think i shouldn't be greedy...i always get sad because not so close with my friends anymore...but actually i shouldn't..i'm very close now with my family, coping well with my study, my relationship with dear become more stable and my holiday part-time job and allowance makes me more financially independent than my other siblings...so...my life is actually good enough...
i don't have to feel depress or what when i can't find someone to go to gym with me...since before liau jua...my group of friends don't share the same interest regarding sport with me...plus like what juan juan said..if can't find anyone to go with me...i can just go alone ah...
really..i don't mind doing anything alone now...since it's not everytime...just sometimes..and something...but it's the reaction of other people annoys me...some of them always give me that surprising look or questioning look whenever i'm alone...what's wrong with being alone oh...
sometimes..i actually quite enjoy at obeserving people at the corner...or just listen to what other say...i'm weird...i like to be around by people but not take part in their conversation...that's why i like the time my family spend with my mom's sisters...just listening to them provides me a lot of fun...
i begin to think that this is not a change...i'm just..back to myself...although sometimes i get frustrated with the way i am now...i have to admit that i'm being 'real' now...i do what i like..and allow myself to do something which i think i shouldn't but i wish to do...learning not to mind how other think...

bad news, after movie, prediction, frustration

i feel sorry for tek ying...she sms me just now...telling me that as advised by IM..she's transfering to B.Sc. Biological Science...we'll be meeting in the same class again...
it's soo...awful...tek ying is one of those who really wanted biomed...and her family put a lot of hope on her...yet..she let them and herself down...wish i could help her..but..what can i do..
i realised that if the person doesn't tell me or imply me that she needs my comfort, i won't know what to do...

A Child's Hope is showing now on tv...if not mistaken, this movie's original intention is to show to people that there is a lot of kids who are very unfortunate at the minute they're borned...but for me..it's so discouraging and at the same time encouraging...hmm...how to say leh...i feel like...life is soo tough for some people...if i were them..i'd probably give up...it's like..no matter how hard you try...you still have to suffer...but at the same time..it makes me even more health-conscious...and tells me how lucky we all are...this movie won the best soap opera in singapore last year...and i think it deserved that...because it showed things which we, the normal and healthy people, don't usually see...compare to those kids...all my problems are just small cases.. and i'm so weak...
what i learn after seeing so many misfortunes is...my capibility is very very small...living in good environment indeed requires teamwork oh..

oh yeah...according to the chinese newspaper today...next monstrous tsunami will be on 2029, 22nd or 23rd of April (forgot about the actual date and i can't find that page now)....due to a huge stone from the outer space hitting the earth...but another scientist pointed out that the damage may be less serious as expected as the moon will act as a 'protective shield' for our planet...

this morning it was my 3rd time going to UBD and well...nothing again...i have to go again on saturday morning..but at least i found that my overall grade is C+ and i've seen dr zohrah..so hopefully everything can be completed on saturday morning..

just finished watching the maiden diary not long ago..i like that soap opera..maybe for some people it's too straightforward...it is though...not much censor in the things they talk..but that's what i like about it...because i learn a lot of things about adults..about women..

i think if the evening primrose is not effective enough..i'm going to suffer from menstrual cramp next time...got 'bai tai' oh...if you know what i mean..after i drink the jasmine tea..and i drank greentea lagi the next day...tsk tsk tsk..

tomorrow i'm going to school again..hope this will be the last time before the semester begins..i'm sick of going there and did nothing...and hehe..yesterday the message i left for dr walter..i actuallyt wrote down the wrong date...i've written down today's date instead of yesterday's.

i'm crazy about wilbert pan now..he's soooo soooo soooo handsome...just can't stop looking at him..and then he's kind...polite....gentleman..cute..hehe...everything so nice..and yet not perfect..

erm...i feel like i'm talkng about craps eh...just feel like typing something down...

2005...first day

first day of 2005..supposed to be a happy one...but..something happened at the end of last year..so..well..not too bad..at least i got to have a feast with my mom and other family..
funny when i think of family now..i only think of my mom's side...as for my dad's side..it's as if the tie between me and then have been loosen eversince my dad betrayed us...i dislike the way they gossip about my family and then spread it from friends to friends...or relatives to relatives..
it's not a pleasant feeling when we first found out even people in Labuan are gossiping about us...

that something which happened end of last year...actually just a few days ago..makes me love my mom more and hate my 'father' more...he's almost never there when my mom needed him most..he's not there when my mom's giving birth to their first child...he's not being there when my mom's waiting for her operation to start...and it's not because he can't make it to go there...simply because he doesn't think he should be there...not even a call from him...i should've known that putting hope upon him is a great mistake...and how sad that i never learn from this mistake...

2004 for me..
- i felt a bit disappointed with my A Level result (BBC and an U for my GP)
- i joined the BSP assessment centre
- entered UBD, trying for the biomed programme
- made new friends and lost some old friends
- got my first F grade for my lab report
- passed my exams in UBD, glad with both results
- closer with my family
- becomes an aunt to my baby niece eshyn
- more health and look- conscious than ever
- relationship with my guy becomes more stable
- love and admire my mom more
- despise my 'father' more
- slowly taking charge of my house
- swicthed programme from biomed to biological science
- big change in erm..can't say personality..i think i'm still the same..maybe a little more like a loner this year
- changed way of dating due to family pressure
- ...

that's all i think...
hiya..not in the mood to talk more now...
hope this year won't be too bad for me

new year resolution?...
- spend wisely
- eat well and maintain fit
- study harder and start saving
- protect my family as much as i can
- share my mom's chores at home