period..

my period has come this morning..haih..i hate to think that i'm going to temburong, bringing along my period with me...urrgghhh...

i haven't packed too...planned to pack it today..but i was reluctant to stop doing my report...so..yea~ i'm done with it...and needed to prepare questions for the tuition..since tomorrow holiday..i told my student to come..to make it up for the friday class...hmm..i guess dear was right when he said i never know how to rest...
so tomorrow i have to start packing as early as possible...so in case i miss out anything..
you sure you can squeeze everything into 1 lizzy?? honestly, i'm trying to bring only 1 backpack and 1 hand luggage..also an extra luggage for dirty clothes...i was a bit surprised-but-expected when amani sms me..asking do i bring any textbooks with me...i never think about it at all...it's like..the things i'm going to bring with me already sounds like a small hill...if i bring the textbooks again..how am i going to carry all of them?? i guess...i'll only start to prepare for the trip tomorrow after my tuition..

i've already started to miss my dear....i must must must remember to bring my phone with me..also the charger..

it's like..out of the blue..i determine to neglect the sunblock...and get myself honey-coloured skin..hehe...that's always my favourite skin colour...but i try to avoid it so i can look nice with any colours...

is it a habit or what...i don't like to share my love life with anyone...maybe..nining is the only one who can know well what's going on between me and my dear...miss her..oh yeah..i haven't told her i'm going temburong for one week...should remember to let her know...

pms..

been feeling sentimental today...cried for no reason..and laugh for tiny stuffs...

loving him makes lizzy different from the close friend i used to know...but is that how wonderful love can be..
i like it when she described how she feels for him...although that sometimes makes me wonder do i still know her..
i always know..what i love best about me and dear..is we're different in many ways...i'm not his perfect match...he's not mine too..we're far from our dream partner..yet we still stay with each other..still willing to cope with all the downs...still believe we're right for each other...so..even though i don't longer believe in love can last forever if it's true enough...i'm willing to work hard to achieve forever..because he's the one..

i've finally come across a true life account which shows that..some people are deserved to have miserable life...
after all my attempts to make him see the truth..he thinks i'm dumb because i don't know the word 'open'..because i don't understand when he has conflicts in his life...duh~
as if he's the only one whose life doesn't go smoothly...plus..like i said..he deserves it..because please lah...that's only a minute thing in life...and what he said he doesn't want to happen..he's working towards it....i've told him..but he thinks i'm just being insensible...
a bit relieved...but also a bit pissed off...

today..

finally...the presentation is over...i felt extremely tired right after it..because..it's like i can put down everything at last..for only for a while...very soon i'll have to start writing the report and prepare for the temburong trip..

on my way home..i realized one of the major reasons why i'm looking forward to temburong trip is..it's a perfect chance for me to finally spend some time on myself..on something i really enjoy.. well can't say enjoy yet..but it definitely helps me to fulfill my wish of running away from home..
surprise?? forgot since when..i started to have the idea of running away from home...that seems like the only way i can allow myself to be completely free of responsibilities..and concentrate on myself...no one else..except me...do nothing else except those i want...
sometimes i hate the idea of staying at home just because no one is willing to do that...why must i the one who do things people don't want to do? why can't i just like other friends of the same age..who can just do their own things...have their own time...follow their own wishes...
while me...have to stay at home..doing the lottery..even when i said i need time to do my assignments....i feel like..i've contributed a lot a lot to the family but no one is appreciating it..
even when i'm not feeling fine with my feelings..i still have to do what they expect me to do...i feel like..i'm doing something which my mom should do...traditionally...and..recently..the topic of arguments between me and dear has been the time and tasks i have to do for my family..
haih...
so going to temburong will definitely brings back my passion for my family...i hope...

i'm not really happy with my group today...also with my presentation..but not so much disappointing lah...because...my only problem is nervousness...without that i can talk and present a lot better...but i'm more preoccupied by the absence of geraldine and ching...feel like..there were only 2 absentees and both are in my group...both are chinese...
i'm a bit like a racist..i don't feel annything if the malays are doing better than the chinese...but i'll be more helpful to my chinese friends...trying to provide them as much help as i can...i regard them as 'other of the same' maybe..hehe..geography :P

when i first know who she's into...i was happy...but now..reading her blog..it makes me worrying..too much influence from a person is not a good thing..especially when it has affected your life..

now i really think all my crush..on goh...on esmond..are like kindergarden level lah..

have you ever..

i've just watched an interview on kingdom of heaven...erm..well..i like that movie..i thought about a lot of things because of it..and in the end...guess what...i don't get the message of the movie at all...orlando bloom said that the message is something to do with humanity..that balian found out at the end of the movie...i don't get that part..
but it is obvious that it's human the one who craves for wars and death of another religion..

have you ever come across situation like..you feel sad and cry yet you can't explain why?
i always smile and cry without any reason...i cried when i watch some movies..which i don't really understand...i smile or laugh..when i know no one else feels funny...but i don't know why..it's just a...reflex action...

temburong trip is in a week time..can't wait for that...it's more convenient now that they provide catering services...but..at the same time..some fun has lost..it'd be more like a trip when we have to cook, do laundry, tidy up things all by ourselves...i'm still scared of those 'things' though...
and..i'll be missing dear..

i should be preparing for my presentation tomorrow...erm...i take it more seriously than my geo presentation..i know i'm going to be nervous tomorrow during presenting..but now..i'm still calm and relax..one thing i like about myself...but it's also something that can make my presentation or whatever work less perfect...
i'm not a perfectionist...because i never want to be the best...but i still stress on myself a lot..because there's a part in me that doesn't want to belong to the category of 'average'...not a good thing..i know..

shopping~~~

i went shoppping just now with lizzy..and oh god..how much i love it...it felt so nice to go from one shopping centre or mall to another....with or without any particular thing to buy...wish i could have more and more spare money and more and more time for shopping...i never thought i'd like shopping this much...hehe..i've changed...and..thank god for that...or else..i'd be a boring person...:p
and..that sms saying i looked hot is one of the things that brighten my day too...
feel like..wow...after so long..finally a another guy, not my dear oh, said that kind of things to me..hehe..vain

as for sz...well..although lizzy has got enough of him..and not longer falling into his tricks..i still think he's succeeded in making her remembering him..at least longer than she'll remember a normal friend...maybe...

forgot since when...i started to doubt in forever love...i don't longer believe that love can last long if it's one-sided...i'll be more convinced if the person who thinks he can love his lover forever..even if she doesn't love him...is in love with the feeling of falling in love...
what used to be happened in drama..is drama...
what you can never get is always the best...maybe..giving up on someone who doesn't love you is a good ending...it'll be a lot better than making that someone hates you..

i read a meaningful article the other day on newspapers...basically..the authoer was saying..we should learn to give up...if we accept 'giving up'..stress will disappear...health will be better..so will life...because there are things in life which you put in effort but never get anything in return except disappointments...

i flip back to a notebook, which i used to write down everything i like in it....i found that i actually had collected a lot of quotes and poems about love and life...
love, is for someone who appreciates and loves you in return...

i've become colder-blooded...cockroach doesn't have blood so i can adjust..hehe :p
are we too mature or too realistic? we always point out how childish other people are...how misbehave they are...what about us??so curious yet reluctant to know what other people think of me...

i used to think things can be simple between a girl and a guy...but after so many things happened for the past these days...i realized most guys i know..don't think so...
i'm the type of people who thinks romance is a big part of life...but other than romance..i also enjoy the simple, pure friendship with any guy who can get along well with me...but things always, or most often, turned out to be nasty...
some guys just prefer those girls who already have bfs or crush....
or maybe..they're just looking for an excuse to get sympathy from other girls they like..and we're just the 'bridge'...hehe...could be...but if that's true..i'd regret for trusting that friend...

vacation...when is my turn...i'm just 20 yrs old..but i'm tied down by lots of responsibilities...study, brother, niece, house, health issues in family....sometimes i wish to sit down and cry....wish i could be more carefree...wish i could have more time for myself..
but..that's me...i don't do things which i don't like others do...well..i try not to repeat what i think is mistake or wrong...and that's the knot in me...
sometimes the tiredness just come from the heart...it's an urge in me to run away from everything and hide in somewhere where no one knows me..

tomorrow need to be home alone...again..and as usual...maybe i should've donw some of my work just now...sunday eh...
sometimes they blame me for going out late on saturday night...but..isn't that the only chance i can feel like, and be, a youth...
maybe it;s a bless, in a way, to be selfish enough..

congratulations

my cousin has given birth to a baby girl this morning..hehe i've become aunt to another niece..
hmm..why are people always giving birth to girl these days...

today is a bad weather day...makes me lazy and listless...i prefer sunny days..

last night..a romeo sms me...in the sms...only a crying face...erm..he sms me at 11..but i only got the sms at 1 plus am....well...i felt...relieved :p

i always thought i'm easy-going...i don't pressurized people around me...i accept them as who they are...but..how true is that..i begin to question..
i don't like my brother to be so weak..i want fook to be stronger..to be more boyish...i was unhappy with fook's monthly test result..because if i could get 90 marks for my integrated science in my first monthly test..why can't he? if i can get 70 plus for my average mark..why can't he?
maybe this is how problem started...when a person learns a lot of things..it becomes hard for her to listen to others...

if not because me, lizzy and mimi know each other since erm...almost 10 years ago...will we become close friends like now??? we're so different from each other...i like our friendship..because i feel secure whenever i think of it..

some thoughts...

just returned home from the mall...watched kingdom of heaven with dear..i like that movie..because it makes me think...
religion...i guess i have none..i don't belong to any particular religion..even though i've been saying i'm a buddist...many of us..think we're buddhists because we're told so...my sis just suggested to me the other day...about this sunday..she and her baby devil will go to somewhere in seria...i think it's something like.embracing the religion her mom-in-law has been practising...
now i know i'm not going with her...just think that..sometimes..when you don't have a religion..you have less chance to fight...
every religion teaches us to love...teaches us about life...about peace...yet..the problem always comes when you're too absorbed in your religion...i actually disagree with what sarinah mentioned in her presentation...also what dr rohana said...i don't believe that any religion will tell its followers that our religion is the best...
if there's no religion...will the world be more peaceful?? well...i'm doubtful about that...after all..war and peace..make up a cycle...in my opinion...people won't appreciate the peace if there's no war...and everytime...we only learn the lesson after a war...it's not that we never learn...there's just always someone who believes he can make a different...
the most silly thing in the movie...is..'it's God's will to fight'...thank god in my living cycle..there's no such people...
i think..the winner is balian...even though he surrendered in the end....muslim didn't win...because their king gave in...and balian..got what he wanted..safety and freedom of the people..he's a good knight..but don't know why...i don't really like his character...

normally...i come across sentence like..it's every girl's dream to be Cinderella...hmm...agree with that....but what about guys?? from my personal experiences...i think..most guys...don't look forward to become prince charming...they're more enjoying to be romeo...being sad because of love...always think he's the only one in this world with love problem...
for those guys....i think which ever girl who reject them..did the right decision...
guys should learn that nowadays..girls are not soft-hearted and emotional as before....we dont sympathise and give in when you're sad...we'll just become more confirmed that we did the right thing...i still think one of the best ways to win a girl's heart is to make her think you're strong and tough...

went to ICC today..but didn't have the chance to look at the drawings at the main entrance...i still remember the one that show many crowns pointing at each other and laughed...we're like them...we make mistakes...and laugh at others who do mistakes...

i realized..the best way to make me dislike my father less..is not to see him...when he's not around...i can forget about the things he does to us..i'll recall more of the good things he did for me...

hmm...being lost in my life has an advantage...each time i'm lost...i learnt more things about myself...

after the exam...

finally the exam is over...but still have to do the presentation and a field course..so..my feeling is like..hm..a kite...i can fly into the air now..but i'm tied..so still can't fly as high as i wish..

i like reading your blogs...like reading journals of people i know..and everytime after reading..there's always a lot of things running through my mind..sometimes it's so much that..i lose the desire to write it down..and...a lot of the things...become so inappropriate to put it up here...there are things which i can only share with myself...and only wish to share with myself..

i saw my grandma in my dream the other day...she lives in a place that is soo magical..there's a lake..the water of that lake is crystal clear..and if look from top...the lake is full of colourful coral reefs....there are also trees..banana trees..mango...then a river..next is the sea...and my grandma lives in something like a hut..she told me she's afraid to be alone...
and i miss her...even though she's dead for about7 years now..i still miss her...and i found that..the sadness grows with me as i grow...more tears flow each time i think of her...she's the only old people i'd grown so close with...probably because i was still young at that time..so obedient to whatever the elders say..or maybe..like what chinese people believe..we have fate..i just found it easier to talk with her...and..there's always guilt whenever i think of her..
guilty for not spending enough time with her during the last holiday i had before her death...i really wish that..i could feel her again...whenever i think of her at night...it's a mixture of fear and longing...longing to see her..but at the same time..scared to see her..because if i do see her..it's her spirit..something i've always scared for...
from my grandma..i know i should appreciate the time i have now with my grandparents here..but..it's not as easy as with my mom's side grandma...with my grandma here..i can always feel the generation gap...with my grandpa..it's ok...
whenever my grandma stays here at our place...i'll feel tense up...at first i felt ashamed of myself for not welcoming my grandma..but then i realized..it's not that i don't welcome her...it's just a pressure...like..her presence always remind me to behave myself...
and i really think i won't make a good nurse or good granddaughter...i'm just not the type who will be extra nice and patient with you when you're sick...and..i actually look down on those people who try to get sympathy from others just because they're sick...it's your own health..why need others to worry for you...

finally today i don't feel tired..instead..i feel like..i'm fully-rested...so i started to have the urge to exercise...and...i started to really plan to open a cafe..started to think what should be included in the menu...what cakes should i learn to bake..hehe

oh yeah..i haven't talked about the exam...erm..not necessary lor..already over..plus..i don't know what to say about it...not confident...but not depressing...

i feel like i'm old now...like...some passion is missing in my life...there's hardly anything that can make me feel...excited...
i enjoy having a cup of coffee during late afternoon...i enjoy sitting alone and allow myself to sink into my own thoughts...i enjoy sitting down with my dear..talking about..anything..from nonsense to facts..and..i'm lazy to move..even a bit..hmm...

oh my god

me too oh...when i was watching disney on ice...i felt like crying too..for reasons i can't even explain..just thought..those stories are soo beautiful...it's like..deep down in me..there's still a part of me wishing i could be one of the characters in those disney movies...maybe Belle in the beauty and the beast..or Ariel..the little mermaid...
i've downloaded quite a number of soundtracks of disney too...Reflections in Mulan...At the beginning in Anastasia..then..part of your world by ariel..and colour of the wind in Pocahontas...but for relfection..i prefer coco lee's version..chinese one plang...just think coco lee's voice suits the song more than christina...
all those songs...especially colours of the wind and at the beginning...are so meaningful..
it's like..for the first time..i learn something more from each story...hehe..
bad dear..he laughed at me when i told him i shed tears...

have an exam tomorrow morning...i ike exam time..because very effective learning...but i hate the waiting...how i wish all my exams are in consecutive days..

i'm a bit listless tonight...maybe just pms..

just feel like to post

looking at my sister's life now...times to times i comment that she's not being practical and bla bla bla...and now..i wish i could be like her...i'm now aa student..an undergraduate...and..when i imagine..i'll be working hard to achieve whatever i can for the near future...and nothing else...and funny is...all i want is a peaceful, ordinary family life...
the more options we're given..the higher the tendency for us to lose track of what we've originally wanted...
i thought i wanted to be a teacher...then..i started to think about scientist...and i started my uni as biomed student...and now a biology student...teacher becomes one of the last job i'll consider..
i wish to have my own family...but now..i'm a bit hesitating about having kids...
i want to have my own florist...now..i'm thinking about a restaurant...
everytime i gain new knowledge..my plan changes...
it's just a part of me...and of most of my friends too...we don't just let our feelings guide us...but we do what we think is rational...and realistic...i guess...that's what makes most people exhausted and stress out today...
i know what i really want...but..to go for it and ignore other things else..is not what i normally handle things...

i did try to talk it out with him...to cheer him up...but excuse me..i think i've had enough of him too...first..i tried to hint him about the truth...but he considered that as a result of i don't know what's going on between him and lizzy...ok..i can't force him to change his way of thinkings...
and when he's depressed by what he finally realized...i tried to cheer up him..tried to say some supportives sentences...and what i get in return is...you'll know how it feels when your bf leave you next time..or..remember to tell me how you feel when you and your bf broke up...almost every single sentence mentioned about my dear and me broke up...i thought he's just...saying something unintentionally..so i just told him i'll try to make that day never come...and..he assured me that that day is sure to come...what lah him...i know he's sad...he's hurt...
but..if you want my support...please..don't repay me with mean words...
it's not as if that's the end of the world...and even if that's the end of his world..he doesn't have to make everyone gets miserable with him...what happens to those guys these days...i mean...please..stop seeing the world from your eyes alone...if behaving like this is his nature..then he's not going to be a good doctor next time...i'm sure i'll hate to visit a doctor who'll make every patient of his sick when he's feeling ill...

exam later...ehehe..12 plus AM now mah..and i've just started revising for it on saturday night...
i just don't like to keep reading the same things over and over again...it'll only make me mislook what's there in the notes...