after the exam...

finally the exam is over...but still have to do the presentation and a field course..so..my feeling is like..hm..a kite...i can fly into the air now..but i'm tied..so still can't fly as high as i wish..

i like reading your blogs...like reading journals of people i know..and everytime after reading..there's always a lot of things running through my mind..sometimes it's so much that..i lose the desire to write it down..and...a lot of the things...become so inappropriate to put it up here...there are things which i can only share with myself...and only wish to share with myself..

i saw my grandma in my dream the other day...she lives in a place that is soo magical..there's a lake..the water of that lake is crystal clear..and if look from top...the lake is full of colourful coral reefs....there are also trees..banana trees..mango...then a river..next is the sea...and my grandma lives in something like a hut..she told me she's afraid to be alone...
and i miss her...even though she's dead for about7 years now..i still miss her...and i found that..the sadness grows with me as i grow...more tears flow each time i think of her...she's the only old people i'd grown so close with...probably because i was still young at that time..so obedient to whatever the elders say..or maybe..like what chinese people believe..we have fate..i just found it easier to talk with her...and..there's always guilt whenever i think of her..
guilty for not spending enough time with her during the last holiday i had before her death...i really wish that..i could feel her again...whenever i think of her at night...it's a mixture of fear and longing...longing to see her..but at the same time..scared to see her..because if i do see her..it's her spirit..something i've always scared for...
from my grandma..i know i should appreciate the time i have now with my grandparents here..but..it's not as easy as with my mom's side grandma...with my grandma here..i can always feel the generation gap...with my grandpa..it's ok...
whenever my grandma stays here at our place...i'll feel tense up...at first i felt ashamed of myself for not welcoming my grandma..but then i realized..it's not that i don't welcome her...it's just a pressure...like..her presence always remind me to behave myself...
and i really think i won't make a good nurse or good granddaughter...i'm just not the type who will be extra nice and patient with you when you're sick...and..i actually look down on those people who try to get sympathy from others just because they're sick...it's your own health..why need others to worry for you...

finally today i don't feel tired..instead..i feel like..i'm fully-rested...so i started to have the urge to exercise...and...i started to really plan to open a cafe..started to think what should be included in the menu...what cakes should i learn to bake..hehe

oh yeah..i haven't talked about the exam...erm..not necessary lor..already over..plus..i don't know what to say about it...not confident...but not depressing...

i feel like i'm old now...like...some passion is missing in my life...there's hardly anything that can make me feel...excited...
i enjoy having a cup of coffee during late afternoon...i enjoy sitting alone and allow myself to sink into my own thoughts...i enjoy sitting down with my dear..talking about..anything..from nonsense to facts..and..i'm lazy to move..even a bit..hmm...