...

it's not a good way...but it's become a way i use to avoid getting hurt..maybe by doing so, i let a lot of people down..and let the problems piling up...haih...
i really feel sorry about that..but i just wish to protect myself..be it temporary or permanent...
ish...this kind of feeling is not unfamiliar for me..wish to do something, at the same time, afraid to do it...like what stephanie sun sings, because take part whole-heartedly, so can only give up..
maybe i'm just running away from the fact...wrong or right...i don't know...i just do something which won't make me feel unpleasant...just try to stay away from something i feel threatened..

lizzy..i don't know if you've sensed it..but i hope you won't misunderstand...i'm not angry with you...i just feel bit scared to talk with you...god knows when do i start to become such timid...sorry oh...i just...hm..don't know how to say lah...can't think of any specific reason but just follow my instinct...i'm always like that..do something just based on my feelings without knowing what i want from it...i know...i'm such a mess...
at the moment..i really don't know what i want...or maybe...i just pretend that i don't know...so won't feel so disappointed since i can't have what i want..

but nevermind...no matter what..i'll gambate...and live my life nicely...with my strong belief that one day i can meet that someone or some people who is/are compatible with the new me..:)
life is already a bless..

i can't wait to finish my exams...but at the same time, enjoying the way it makes me feel...get nervous and study hard before the exam...slight panic just before the exam...concentrate fully during the exam, cracking brain to give my best answers...and the best part is, a big relief after handing in the testpaper...

forgetful

today is not a good day for me...i woke up in the morning because one of the protruding metal oon the bed scratched me..get sore when it's wet...then i forgot about my yellow slip..and only realized that when i reached UBD..felt so tired of driving..i never like driving..when i drove my car yesterday to go to uni..i felt strange..i wouldn't mind biking..but not driving..how nice if uni is somewhere near and i just have to walk...
then..found out today that the field trip in december is postponed..hm..thought i can get some new experience...nevermind..maybe i can work..at gs if my godmom agree..
i need job..need income..so i can go to saloon in bandar for my hair..

i like practical exam...i think..i'll be very happy if i can do well in practical exam..it's more difficult to score than written exam..
and i tend to stay away from classmates before and after an exam...because i get affected by people easily..so i'll get nervous..infected by them :p
i'm still thinking should i give tuition next semester...2 persons have been asking me liau...maybe i'll just accept..but i told them it's all depend on my timetable..then with the volunteering in janurary..hm...i'll see..

after exam..i want to go shopping~
hmm..after the practical on saturday..the remaining exams would be easier for me..because it's all written exams...easier to revise..can't wait for my nihongo exam..now i thank the person-in-charge for putting my japanese exam on last day..i normally screw up my last exam..but this time..since it's something i really like..maybe it'll be different..

it's like..no matter what kind of personality a person has..that person can always find his/her other half oh...someone who can suit him/her really well...amazing world..

stormy night..:s

this afternoon was my first exam...and i realized one thing when i was thinking during spare time in the exam hall..i love exam...yesterday i was nervous..for the first time in uni..i felt nervous and panic for an exam..because it's computing..something i'm not good at..people keep telling me not to worry because you just have to answer based on general knowldge..what they don't know is..that's what makes me worried...my general knowledge is sooo limited and my common sense is different from others' most of the time...
just now on my way to school..i felt excited..like..finally my turn for exam...
i'm always slower than other people..last and this semester, people start their school week early in monday morning..but me in monday afternoon...and now exam...people start on first day, mine started on second day..and end up finishing last on saturday next week..afternoon lagi tu..
anyway..the schedule is fixed, can't do anything about it...but hmm..i'm more concerned with what to do on next saturday night..
should i sleep at home? or should i go out for a movie and dinner or something??
rationally i think i should rest..because the field trip will be starting on the following monday..but..see how lah...
i can read novel at home too...with chinese novels around..i can skip meals and sleep...that's what i did oh last..saturday night..i read novels till 5 in the morning..6 novels in a go..i can only said i felt damn good with that..hehe..
ok lah..have to sleep or do something else lor..don't think i can remember any more scientific names of plants..maybe i'll try to memorise again tomorrow..at the moment..i do remember more...ohh..thunder again...need to log off liau

hm..3 more days to exam

lizzy..hope you're feeling better...and all the best...not for your exam lah..*hugs*
there's a saying in chinese..ai mo nen chu....i feel it now..meaning you'll love to help but there's no way you can...
sometimes i don't like him..because he makes you weak...and don't know..don't like the way he treats you...but..sometimes i like him...because he makes you more erm...not-lizzy...but most of the time i don't feel anything about him..so don't worry :p

hey swait zin..are you in brunei now?? i guess so...let's meet after my exam..if you're free

i've started my revision..supposed to start even earlier..but nevermind..at least i'm progressing..
it's much easier for me to revise while i'm chatting...because i'm not fully concentrating so less tendency to feel sleepy..that's the only reason i can think of..those people who suggested revision week ah..haih...don't they know after busy for so many weeks..giving a week break for us will only make us relax instead of study?
i like the song chi pang by JJ..always soothe my mind...because of this ringtone, i feel reluctant to return the handphone to my mom :p

these past few days...jason and i talked a lot about our relationship..and i think now we're clearer than ever about our situation now..we still chat now very often...he still cheers me up when i'm feeling down...still share some of our thoughts....and i feel very comfortable with us now...and feel more..natural to let people know we're not longer together...

i like to see Lindsay Lohan...she's pretty and hot...though i think she looks older than her age.. guess that's just typical of westerners...but the CLEO very bad eh...they considered Lindsay and Hillary Duffs can't sing...

i wish january can come faster..so i can do something with my hair...plan to dye it..and this time i believe i have more guts to say what i really want with the hairstylist..

i've found myself a new dreamguy..after justin timberlake...hehe..my new dreamguy is~ Pan Wei Bo...he's sooo cute...eheh..but i don't like to see him in pictures...he looks a lot better on tv.. dance well too..hehe...

people i'm craving for thai food now...i want to go eat thai food, japanese food and korean food after the exam eh...want to save up for facial treatment also...the last time i did facial was like..before the last chinese new year...so next time will be before the coming chinese new year..
and i think i need more clothes...although i already have 7 or 8...i think i'm going to need quite a lot for my hair since i plan to do my hair in gadong...can't get offer prices like i used to get in aunt emi's saloon...
but i don't feel like working in december...erm..well maybe for 2 weeks...after the trip in ukong..hmm..we'll see..

i'm fine

don't have to say sorry or feel guilty lizzy...honestly...after so many times...i can
t longer figure out who's to be blamed..me or friends??

after the post in the afternoon...i treat myself with instant noodles..added other ingredients which i think more calories too...but nevermind...i need something to make myself feel better...then watched 'mean girls'..mimi's wrong...not much sexy scenes there...but some messages are conveyed...i like that one 'you don't have to pretend to be dumb to get a guy to like you'...and i think sometimes i'm like one of those girls..who get so paranoid about their figures...i do think about the calories sometimes..but i still eat...getting extra calories is nothing compare to hunger pang attack..
so after the movie..i feel..back to normal...
since i doubt the same thing won't happen again...so might as well find a way to live with it...
plus..if i talk more about it..i'll be talking ill of tek ying lor...so..no no..she's a nice girl...we're just not that clicked...i guess..and i'm a bit biased...because i find excuse for lizzy but not her when i'm upsetted..
good or bad...i'm not despair, yet...because i still think no matter what..i've got jason to turn to..

i've arranged the pile of papers..so i can start with my revision any time...but i'm in holiday mood eh..eversince the hari raya holidays...i feel sooooooo reluctant to touch my books..that's why a lot of the things are pused till last minutes..which of course won't be good..because i'm not a lastminute person..

sometimes i wonder...do i really enjoy being busy?? or maybe when i'm busy, i won't be reminded that i have very few friends? it's silly..sometimes when i think of...indirectly, i'm trading with those people in class...trading for informations and updates about lectures or what...how sad..
but i'm glad i stayed till the end just now..for chem revision class..i was very tempted to leave early...and i know i gave lizzy a very miserable smile just now...
well..it's not a rule that uni life must be happy and exciting..plus it's just my second year...still have 2 years to go..or maybe more..

as usual..i'm not thinking about the exam...my mind is more focus on the coming holiday...i'm thinking to join the field trip in the first week only...so i have 3 weeks plus to rest...enough time to make me get fed-up with holiday i guess...
found a lot of mosquito or insect bites on my legs..scratches too...temporary souvenir from the trip...
and i found out that..dr charles remembers i'm jocelyn..after the trip on sunday...

i know i like biology..i enjoy studying it..but sometimes i'm confused..is bio something i'd like to do for my whole life?? probably not...i still wish to have my own shop next time...a place for people to relax and soothe their minds...i think i have that ladyboss' characters...or maybe i'm just still too young to be humble...

swait zin is coming back this week? or next week?? eh don't be a copycat...don't copy my style of blogging...unless you buy copyright from me ah :p

not a good post

i feel...furious? miserable? upset??
i got zero for my assignment with dr linda...nt because i didn't do..not because i didn't want to hand in..no one handed in during that lecture..dr linda didn't ask for it..so i assumed no need to hand in...and only found out this morning that almost everyone had handed in...when dr linda asked me just now in the class...i felt...numb..didnt even bother to tell her i did do the assignment...what can i say anyway...said because i thought my friends didn't hand in so i didn't hand in?? it's not longer back in school right?? when your friends don't want to hand in..or can't hand in..you also follow them..so when the teacher ask about it..the responsible is shared...
why am i still crying about it..since it's not the first time..already told myself to be self-dependent...not to expect anything from anyone...haih...
people i trust..people i consider close with me....more than 1 in the class...still i'm not told about it...it's been more than a handful of times when i dont know what's going on at all in the class..because of jap class..i'm late to class sometimes...just within those few minutes i missed out a lot of information...and only found out at last minute..or sometimes after the thing is over...
when i first felt this way..i thought it's because i don't share with them for what i know..so i tried to make sure people around me know what i know...i try to pass the message all around the class...especially those i feel closer....but still i get disappointed often...
ok..got improvement lah...at least i'm told that thursday got a revision class with dr chan..and i know most of the duedates or class when any changes..
maybe i should be content with it...maybe i should think harder what did i do to deserve this..
but..it's hard not to think...not to think i'm like a fool..goin around to share with people but in return....why am i the one who people tend to forget...im not worthed remembering?
i refuse to think it's wrong to expect what i expect people to do for me by treating them the way i want them to treat me...
i hate this...when this kind of things happen...always makes me to doubt myself...
i bet this year is not a good year for me in terms of relationships...
haih...
in the end...i can only say...i'm silly

back from ukong

my legs feel so weak now..but it's worthed going..i mean the trip...feel a bit accomplished too because i did help in setting the traps...good to refresh my memory from patoi....it's so interior..i wouldn't have known about the place if i didnt join this trip...and i like working with them...all the people are like one big family...and dr charles is the old man...though he called himself the boss...the forest is more primitive than the one at bk patoi...more difficult to travel in there too..lots of thorns...and i thought many of us would be there...turned out that me and saiful are the only 2 2nd year students...maybe that's why they kept asking me am i alright...asked me to rest, sit down, drink and eat..

later going to dudi's place...in the end i can't join either group for raya...we came out from the forest at around 3...then dr charles brought us to lunch...i reached home slightly before 5...it's a good thing that mimi them still in bandar..so i can rest first...tonight i should sleep early again..so tomorrow can start my revision early...
i really admire fae and mardiha...they know so much about the trappings...and faisal actually remember the scientific names of each animal he saw...and some of them can identify animals from the sound the animals make..
thank god mizah didnt come..or else she sure can't make it on time to go back to prepare for her open house...but she miss the fun too kua...
and i think dr charles is very impressed with saiful...he said saiful is very active...and haslina said he's very efficient...
wonder how did they think of me...hope i didn't spoil anything eh...because it's mardiha;s project..

maybe i should take a nap...but then i'll look sleepy or awful eh if i sleep..already become fatter then with sleepy look again..worse eh...

lizzy just sms me...hehe..i notice these days oh..i get happy out of the blue...just because i notice me and lizzy think or say the same thing...only difference is she said it out..but i said it in my mind...and now...just when i think to sms her after this post...she sms me lor...:)

it's been 2 days...wonder how is he...he's coping well i think...he better be...because these days i'm...emotional...my determination is weaken...i keep looking for him...keep thinking about the past...keep wondering if i didn't do that that time..what would happen now...haih...

fireworks...:(

thought tonight could enjoy the beauty of that fireworks...but then..i felt tired to drive..and my mom thinks it's inappropriate to go since the road is wet..i don't feel safe to drive at night too..
i think my body needs a lot of attention during the holiday eh...i really think i should go to the doctor to check my eyes, my chest and my teeth...anyone wanna go with me?? sometimes i still get nervous and scared when it's my turn to see the doctor..

revision week is starting..meaning time for me to keep fit..this time for sure i've become bigger..can feel it..the feeling is strong..which makes me so self-conscious...my auntie keeps cooking for us...especially night time...my mom and i are saying we'll start our diet plan next week..when my uncle and auntie return to labuan..

tomorrow going to the trip with dr charles...hope i'll enjoy it...this year i begin to feel the urge to know more about my country..and i think i need to strengthen my malay speakings...so i can talk with anyone anywhere anytime...

i got dozed off when i was watching tv just now..too tired...almost declined to shower...hehe of course lah i did shower...i'm the type who dont feel comfortable if i take less than 2 showers per day...twice is already the minimum eh...morning and night...i think i have very low chance of getting sick..looks like that though...because i'm health-conscious...hehe but that's because i want to look good...a sick person can never look her best i think...and i really hate to get dizzy easily..it's annoying when i think of last time when i got mild low blood pressure..

tomorrow mimi also invites me to go raya with them...i'll see what i can do...wish to go out with them..wish to join lee shi them also...but also wish to get enough rest...and open house eh...bad bad for my diet plan..
anyone want to go to gym during the holiday?? we can go together oh...i'm thinking about the gym at jpmc...that's the only one i'm familiar with...
i really hope one day i can accept every single weakness of mine..and feel happy about it..
not like now..i find faults easily in myself..

i think i should sleep early tonight..maybe i read my magazine first...haven't even gone through half of it eversince i bought it last week...good thing though...meaning shorter time for me to wait for the next cleo...hehe..

i must remember to ask for the map to mizah's place tomorrow...just in case i'm coming...

no title

supposed to be in bed now...since exam is coming..i should get enough sleep and rest before i start studying...but i just have that desire to post something here...

a step, second step, third step...step by step...glad that i'm moving on...at the same time, a bit sad because i'm getting further and further from our past...

just now had a long talk with mama...time seemed to fly when we talk...miss the time we all hang out together at her place...eating lots of keropok and watching miseri...

honestly...i miss the time when i have a boyfriend...at least a crush...then i won't be so lost....i still haven't got used to single life...most of the time i'm ok with it..thanks to the study and other things and people in my life...but i guess i'm the type who look forward to have someone to share both my ups and downs...as a lover....i'm pisces after all...
i don't like to let my feeling suspending in the air...i never like to be alone...i like to know that someone else share the same heart beat with me...wish that i could have someone to hug me to make me warm..

sometimes i'm ignorant...on purpose...so i don;t have to know who and who are not as good as i used to think...just like an ostrich...

still have a lot to say..still a lot to type..but...the words only hanging in my mind...just can't reach my fingers...

*blank*

wish to drink beer...can't even remember when was the last time i drank...maybe 2 or 3 years ago...

tomorrow i'm going to mama's place...bringing my cousin along with me..let him see what's the difference between hari raya here and in labuan..sorry lizzy..i should've waited for you..nevermind...next time when you want to go..if can't find anyone..we can go together...ask mimi also...think mama won't mind one lah..
then very likely tomorrow i'll bring my auntie and his son to try korean dishes...wish to bring them to tasek merimbun also...show them our Brunei's own heritage...

lizzy..hope you're feeling fine...

sometimes i think i've put on lots of weight..sometimes i think i'm still fine...

is this the end for us?? things will still change in the future i guess..

i observe almost every couple...then feel like their sweetness affected me and makes my day brighter...it's such a nice feeling to see couples deeply in love around me every day...makes me believe love is everywhere...love means hope...:)

swait zin..are you ok?? take care..and cheer up oh..you're coming home soon...can see your family soon..so should be happy ah...:)

hmmm..sleepy

a lot of things to say..but...too many till i don't know how to start...
have a feeling like...i've gone through a lot of things....and concluded that i want to leave all the unhappy things behind and move on....

often, i keep things inside me..not because i don't want to share...it's because what i think is different from people around me...and i've had enough with expression like saying 'are you nut?' on people face whenever i share my view...it's a bit lonely though when i'm the only one who think this or that way...but i'm happy with my own opinions...it's just fake if i change my own point of view just to feel 'fit in'...if no one understand me now, someone will in the coming future..

i have plan for my future...plan that is different from before, because it's for myself..not 'us'...

sorry lizzy..i keep forgetting to pass the gifts to the others...but i'll make sure they get it..

feel a bit listless now...probably too tired...haven't had enough sleep since last week..my uncle and auntie are here..together with their son....from labuan...it's nice having them here....my auntie is great cook...that is why i've put on quite a lot of weights...and now..a bit fed-up with heavy food...if can...i only want plain porridge for every meal now...

wish to go shopping...want to buy jeans and few more tops...don't want to have exams yet...

my japanese oral test was fine...sensei said i did very well....although i almost got tongue-tight..
not in the mood for study these days...japanese class is the only class i look forward to..
thank god i've done the presentation for english last week so i dont have to prepare anything for tomorrow..
a good news- i feel fine to be alone again...i don't mind if people can't fit me into their schedule...everyone has his/her own life to be busy with...all i need to learn is self-dependent...then i'll be ok at all time...shouldn't expect too much from friends...should learn that everything and everyone changes with time...including myself...
people said i look better now with the extra flesh on my cheeks...still i need to watch out for my diet...because i think i've put on too much weight...more than enough....since i've bought the outfits for the chinese new year..i must maintain...i've bought only skirts..and high heels...so it's going to be different from the past few years...can't wait for it to come...

for some people...i might sound sad or what here..but please...never never think i'm depressed...i'm perfectly fine ok..

have you ever come across some people which you have to hurt them to wake them up? i'm sure you do...

swait zin is coming back soon..hehe..can go eat at nihongo no restoran together...haha..did i say i want to watch out for my diet just now?? :p

staying up late

lizzy hope you're having fun in kl...mimi, happy raya..you bad old lady..still haven't replied my sms since evening...swait zin...take care, don't push yourself too much oh..

haih...

people've been telling me i've become chubby now..especially my face...this time i'm not worried..because whoever said that, the next sentence that came after that is 'but you look better this way'....for the first time..people pointed out to me that i was too thin...i mean.people beside mimi and lizzy...really wish to ask him one question..but he isn't online...

feel tired...been going out quite a lot..since thursday night...feel like i haven't rested for a long time...have to do the bio essay and chem revision..not in the mood for study today...

met jason today...for the first time after we broke up, we talked face to face for each other...although i talked more with sherman..the feeling..is..something i don't know how to put in words...relieved because i didn't cry...shed few drops of tears because we're no longer couple now...glad that we can talk to each other that way...sad because of the helplessness i feel..

i always forget to draw a line between boyfriend and friend...which end up hurting myself...still trying to live up to his standard...but slowly i'm coping with my single life...

the more i discover myself..the more i think i'm difficult to get along..

haih...

actually i should be feeling happy now..because..i've got myself a new pair of high heels slipper...bought myself 5 skirts altogether in just 2 days...altgether not even reaching $100..people compliment on my appearance...i've completed the computing project on time...people praise on my taste of clothing..i don't have to worry that i don't have new clothes for chinese new year..even have new baju for this raya...

the only way i should learn now is..stop looking at myself through jason's eyes i guess..