saturday night..SHE with me

everytime when i watched the concert of SHE..at the beginning, i'll sing and dance along...then when it came to the part where they sing about friendship..like 'mo li', 'always on my mind'...i feel touched...those songs...always remind me of lee shi and mimi...it's like...i know i can just be myself...if anyone hate me for that...i still won't be alone...because i have you two...
maybe i hven't reached the stage when there's really no one else who love me except myself kua..so i can say that..

today i went to school...wish to know what caused the accident that took away wani's life...but i didn't ask...because it's like pointless now to know...because she's gone..so uni feels different to me today...but i know very soon..i'll get over it...we didn't really spend that much time together..hope she could rest in peace..and her family can cope with it smoothly...especially her husband...

everytime..after i heard any severe accidents, it'll make me drive slowly for a while before i start speeding again...but so far..i never go beyond 120...unless emergency....i'm the type of people who like to take their time easily...
human nature yeah...something happen will affect you but you tend to get numb to it after some time...i felt numb..when i saw my father with his 'wife' 2 or 3 days ago...except that i wish they didn't see me...

eversince i broke up with jason...saturday night would be spent at home...watching tv..online..read and sleep...i was thinking to do nail polish..but i'm never good at it..so nevermind...i planned to finish the bio report tonight..but didn't do it...lazy...just collecting some info for my computer project...then that's it...
everyone's out..except the maid...so it's quiet here...
wish to go shopping again...because i didnt buy any clothings or shoes yesterday..but i stock in a lot of instant noodles...as usual...

swait zin..cheer up *hugs*
i don't promise that i can help you with any of your problems...also not that i'll be there for you every time...but i do hope you can feel optimistic about your life...you know..you're luckier than most people...i think people living in brunei are all luckier than other people in other countries..now lah...this year i start to love my country..finally...hehe..

till here lah...time to change to dics 3..night everyone..sweet dreams

what a .... day

the presentation was ok...i wasn't as nervous as i expected...mainly because at that time my mind was preoccupied by wani's death..

wani was one of my classmates last semester in the genetic course...it's a huge shock when tek ying told me about her this morning..i know life isn't always predictable...also know that a person's life can be taken very easily...but knowing it and feeling it is completely different...for the first time i feel like..life is sooo fragile...
that's why i wanted to get over the presentation quickly...lost the mood to present...her face keep poping up in my mind...instead of those skulls i talked about..
but i control my emotions quite well...felt not so sad after few presentations...but when dr charles announced the news to us..it triggered my tears so bad...
the picture of me and her sitting in front of fos chit-chatting about her marriage..and at the fos foyer when she assured me about the field course....they are all still fresh and clear in my mind and now she's gone..forever...just before hari raya...
that's life....but this news makes me hesitate about having children next time...
choi!*

sorry lizzy...caused you to come back to tutong alone just now...i should've told you earlier that i planned for a shopping trip today...i was irresponsible to leave lizzy alone this afternoon..feel guilty when i was on my way back from tutong....but at that time..i was really reluctant to come home...wish to be surrounded by people...i feel like i abandon you lah...the guilt is in me...but i feel exhausted and erm...don't know...like no energy to do anything about it...
just finished forcing myself to finish the chem assignment..

recently..nothing attracts me...now..when i say i love my study...the sincerity in it is a question..haih..

holiday sick

just now while i was driving home from uni..i kept thinking that...lee shi and mimi..almost never say no to me...when i search through the memories...everytime when i suggest or request anything...their answer is always yes...and how lagging i am to realise now...
you guys have spoiled me :p

just now saw sal and zul...they're so sweet..mimi and lini also very sweet..and then i feel so sweet too when seeing them...hehe...

tomorrow have to present..oh my gosh!! i'm nervous...more nervous than the time i did my sp presentation...when dr charles said he'll see whether we understand what we present from our talk...he makes me even anxious...always like this...scared to present..also look forward to it..

i feel a bit stress when i think of exam...like..the time is so short..i have lots and lots of things to prepare for it...haih...why the exam always come so soon and holiday always takes so long to come...

yesterday i felt so down....but the more unhappy it is..the more i feel reluctant to mention and write it down...

i should sleep early...i overslept again this morning...this week..i didn't even realise when i did i silent the alarm....

i put on weight lor...erm..not really...but true lah i think i look bigger now...especially my arms...have to watch out for my diet lor...hari raya coming...then exam...then chinese new year...ohh no~ big threat coming towards me...all those mean more food...
i don't mind to stop slimming down but i mind a lot if i get fatter..even by only a tiny bit..

well...

*hugs* lizzy...you know...it's impossible for us to forget you...unless something happened and i lost my memory..or else...it's hard...
i think i'm a bit back to the time in secondary school...keep everything to myself...especially about my love life..because i can't let too many people know about us...then me and mii and lee shi seldom meet...as time goes on...i become er..keep eveything to myself..and more and more people know about this blog..makes me conscious on what i say here...

it's like..no matter how close 2 friends are....when they don't communicate well...misunderstandings will still happen...but the sweet thing about it is...no matter what...you know you can always count on the other person...:)
i love you lizzy and mimi~~

i was so confident on sunday afternoon that i'm moving on...but yesterday we're discussing should we start again..and today...we decide it's not the right timing yet...
there'll be time when i know it's over...but other time i'll want him back...haih...

feel lazy today...don't feel like doin anything..and indeed..i didn't do anything...not a good day...

feel so sweet when i see mimi and lini...also other couples...
guess i still need some time to adapt to single life...

i'm fine everyone

i know it's impossible to ask you people not to care about whatever i typed here...and i feel very sweet whenever i see your comments...they always remind me that im not alone...thanks people...love you guys..

just now..i chatted with him...i asked a question...which i thought his answer will make me feel comforted...but i was wrong...his answer hurt me...but it;s a good one...although i feel angry with him...i don't blame him..i'm the ridiculous one....and thanks to him..i feel like..awaken up from a sleep or dream...
now i'm very determined...as determined as i was on the night of my 17th birthday..the night i completely give up on esmond....
his words hurt me....because the words indirectly showed that this is the end...
but also because of that...i know it's really the time i should move on...i won't daydream anymore..
of course i'm a bit sad...but compare to sadness...there's more relieve....
maybe he doesn't need me anymore....maybe i just miss the time when i have a bf...
no matter what...the fact now is we're just friends...maybe we can still be close friends..but definitely not now...not yet....we both need time to recover...
one week of feeling sad and listless...enough for me...my life has other things which i'm sure are better than drowning myself with sadness..
i'm confident that from now on..i'll really move on..maybe i'll still be sad at times...maybe will still cry...but..that's just part of healing....also part of growing up...really eh..i feel like i've grown up a bit today...hehe...
i really hope he can move on without much difficulties too...

a day off..yeah right

finally finished with my sp essay...i was struggling while writing it because i had difficulty to write up to 2500 words...and i ended up with 2600+ words...usual case...

i got a feeling lizzy is not in brunei now..or else how come no reply from her for my sms...
i went to the beach with mimi and anna just now...first time going to the Penanjong beach...erm..the beach there is more 'primitive' than the Seri Kenangan Beach...but that's what makes it special..lots of natural features..and we saw a dangerous house..it was located right next to a sliding slope...looks as if it'll be washed down if there's a landslide occur...*touchwood
i felt like we're all so tiny when standing on the beach there...got a feeling like...i'm a small small girl in a big big world...
last night i forgot about the trip to the beach this morning..so i did my essay till quite late...but i managed to wake up and get ready earlier before anna picked me up...after i'm home..i started with my essay again...maybe too much stress on my brain..so felt headache...almost decline to go to i lotus with my family lor...
while in the end..i still went with them...well..a bit disappointed with their food...alright the food there is more special...got their unique style...but that's just the look..for me..the most important thing of a food is the taste...and the i lotus cook failed to impress me with the taste of the food...but the appearance and freshness of the ingredient are excellent though...i highly recommend the place to those couple who don't mind the food and want a romantic atmosphere..provided they have enough money in their pockets...
if it were before..i'd tell jason..dear..next time we go together ah...

don't worry swait zin..i'm fine...i know what i'm doing...i've been trying to cheer up eversince breaking up with him...now i just need to take a break...isn't that common for people who just lost their bf or gf?? they would enjoy the sadness jua...making themselves feel more depress than they actually are...i'm just going with the trend...
we both are unhappy..and we both know the immediate remedy is get back together...but we also know that the quick remedy is only temporarily effective...
i hate to think that me and him are going to become 2 parallel lines...

these days i feel listless...i just do what i need to do..just do my own things...try to avoid additional responsibility at home...in school...try to avoid anything that require me to move...
this is all transition period...i guess...i just lost interests in everything...i don't feel like to cook..don't feel like going out...not because can't find a companion or what...i just come to realize tonight that..it's because the person i used to do these things with has left me... but life still has to go on...i wish this mood can leave me as soon as possible...

i wish to have a long holiday so i can really spend time with myself..to do something i really want...haih...

...

broke up with him for about a month now...and i'm so lagging..because i only start to feel sad now...only begin to feel that he's really not longer mine...
i can't lie with myself anymore...every time...unconsciously..i pretended that the wound is not there...nothing has ever happened except the title of our relationship...we just change from couple to friends...and the rest of the things would still be the same...how naive had i been...i just pretended that everything is perfect for me...i still have his love...still chat with him every night..still allow myself to miss him, care for him and rely on him as before...just because he said i can still tell him everything..i told him every up and down in my life...how blunt i was...i make him listen to me every night about my life...comforted him when he's down...do everything i think a girlfriend should do...haih...
i have to stop that now...because all of the things i do are hurting him...and also myself...i never really face the ugly fact...i wasn't really fine...but i just convinced myself that i'm fine...
his words and feelings still can affect me...although i know i shouldn't have bothered about it anymore...
i had been selfish...i lied to myself that things are ok for me...and take advantage of him just to make myself better...i know he doesn't blame me...maybe he never will...but i hate myself for that...i know he's not coping it well..yet i keep bugging around him...even told him things like i miss him..things i'm not supposed to say..have no right to say anymore...

it's already the 4th day of this week..yet i still can't cheer myself up...i lost interest in my study...lost the patience with my niece...my mind is fully packed with how i feel and how he feel and how i make him feel...

i really really wish i could help him feel better...but..i know this is not a good time...i should let him get over it by himself...just like i should get over it by myself too...
it's really hard to ignore him...and even harder to be ignored by him...

i'm lost now...it'..normal right??

i think i've put on extra pounds of fats..especially on my upper arms....of course i assume people will roll their eyes when i say that...but it's true ah...i think i'll volunteer for dr charles's field work...just to keep myself busy...

i miss him..really..especially these days...i can't stop thinking about him..but i don't feel like doing anything about it...but i think this wont last long...when i get fed-up with feeling down..i'll pull myself together and get over it..like i usually do...i really wish we're still together...but i know what's the reality now...we can never be together again...unless his parents approve...provided we still have feelings for each other by that time...haih...i still can't make up my mind to forget him...all i can do..is learn to live with the situation now...everything will be fine once i got used to it....right...
all my optimistism has gone...let me be...

my laptop is here

yeah i'm blogging now using my new laptop..it's small...i think it'll take me a while to get used to the size of the keyboard before i can type fast as usual..hehe..but i feel so proud and i love it..because i buy it with my own money..every dollar every cent is from myself..even the things on the screen are small...feel..erm..fresh about it..hehe..

last night it turned out that only me and masniah went to linda's...farhana was there too with thirah and as..not sure her name...at first i felt a bit worried..wonder what can i talk with masniah..because we normally don't talk much in a group..but i was worrying too much..we talked non-stop eh..from laptop..to uncle..to study..and bfs...if you don't want to listen to me talking about me and jason..then dont mention it...i can go on and on..
i miss him..miss everything about him...and..i'm not afraid to admit that...

i don't think i'll bring my laptop to school soon..erm..don't plan to bring it unless i find a suitable bag for it which i really like..plus...at the moment..don't really need it..sometimes i really think one of the main reasons i buy this laptop is because people bring their laptop to school every day..and i just want to follow the trend...and i don't feel regret at all lah buying it...
i only learnt today that $1000 is the maximum amount you can withdraw each time and each day you can only withdraw $2000 from your account..and not more...

haih...till here lah...not feeling so right tonight

sunday morning

don't worry lizzy..i'm very fine now ah...and that day...i knew that if i want to go..i can voice out..don't think you guys will turn me down if i say i want to go...but..you're right...i wouldn't want to go...only occasionally i'll want to go out at night...i don't feel safe or right when i'm still out at night...once in a while ok lah...and i never like driving alone at night..partly because i can't see clearly...last time even when me and jason went out..we'll feel like we need to go home before 12 midnight...
and i think the way i felt..normal lor for someone who just broke up...when i was in love..of course will tend to neglect my friends..so after break up...naturally have to catch up lah...and i do wish to hang out with different friends too other than tek ying and her group..but same problem lah..the timetable...only she has the most similar schedule with me...
i think that day..wednesday..i was feeling down...so a tiny thing became huge for me...so don't have to say sorry lah...if i want..all i need is take initiatives...but that's just not me kua...i prefer to get familiar with people or become a part of a group naturally...then now my laptop is coming...and library is a good place for pasting time...come to think of it..i can never get bored in school even if i'm alone...depend on how i interpret the situation lah...
hehe..i'm always cheerful..and i really like this part of me...although sometimes i still will wonder is there anything wrong with me...you know...sometimes i really wonder will i unconsciously hurt other people's feelings or do or say anything spoiling....that kind of thing lah..when you start to have doubts in yourself when you don't have people around you...but that's only happen when i'm not in the right mood...most of the time..i won't think that much...UBD is not the only place i can make friends...and when i don't have companions in school, doesn't mean i can't find any outside...people like ah fei always complain that i don't look for him...sz will welcome my mail too..wonder is it a habit or what..i just prefer to solve my problems by myself...no one knows better than i do what i really want...and it's up to me kua to decide right or wrong....i can't please everyone...and i think the first person i need to please is myself...
i really like whoever that said if you want people to love you or love other people, you have to love yourself first...
that's really true...if you can't even take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of others...

last night i read a novel...almost everytime when i read a novel, romance one lah..i'll wish i could have a bf like that in the story...i feel tired of taking care of people...really hope someone can take care of me..or at least share some of my responsibilities...last time i got jason...but now..everything is on my own..

a bit..erm..less satisfied with last night lah actually...everytime when we go red chili..we'll joke and laugh a lot with mimi and lini..but last night..completely different...and i hope mama didnt feel bored too...poor mama..having stomache....and we're eating little by little each time we go there eh...wonder good or bad...didn't have time to talk with josh too...and his friend...erm..like..a feeling of not sure if everyone was happy last night....but i had a nice time lah...feel proud because we don't need lini to barbeque for us hehe :p..then..i enjoy listening to people's conversation..not secretive one lah..and i just realized that..i don't judge people anymore...unless that person does something that is really out of normal..like the 2 juniors talking beside me yesterday..i just feel a bit irritated by their criticism about my uni and my lecturers...i find UBD ok jua..good enough for people here...if they're so unhappy with the uni here...why bother to study here..and if not mistaken, one of them actually get allowance from the government eh...

oh yeah lizzy..last night were you planning to go elsewhere?? actually i erm..a bit intentionally didn't want to come back late..because the first time i sent you home at night..i was shaking with fear when i drove home alone..passing the dark area without any lights....but last night was ok..
i didn't feel that scared...so i think i've grown up liau..hehe...
true ah..now jeans are not my only option when going out lor..i prefer skirts..and high heels...and also i start to enjoy using perfume...i think true star for women smell nice...for men also nice..

later i'm going to linda's place...i hope i didn't scare her eh..i kept on talking yesterday when i saw her at hua ho...she just caught me at my talking mood kali..hehe

lazy day..

i didn't do anything today....which makes me a bit guilty...but nevermind...nothing urgently need to be done...i still have time tomorrow i think..while waiting for lizzy..and also between the japanese class and plant tutorial...as long as i'm alone then i can start with my work lor..if someone's with me..i'll probably end up talking....that's why a lot of the times i agree with dr marcus..he'll advise his students not to hang out with friends all the time..his theory works for me eh..

just now went to the mall with my mom and fook..the atm broke down there so can't get any money...but i ended up buying 2 pairs of shoes..paid by my mom...about $100...also bought a shirtdress kind of outfit..and i finally realized something i've been missed out all the time...i always mind so much about the price..no wonder i can never find something i really want...
and today..it's like..i don't want to care how much will i be left with after paying for the laptop..i'll just spend on things i want and are useful...i really like those 2 pairs of shoes..very nice...and i'll wear them for the chinese new year...now begin to hope chinese new year will come as soon as possible..hehe..in december..i'll either work or rest..most likely will rest kua..since been so tired during school term...and also since i plan to find a part time job next year..so better rest..recharge myself during the holiday....as for the money...can always earn them back later ah...since..i'm not wasting my money..i'm using it on good stuffs...i'm fed-up with myself for being a money-slave lor..

went to bk udal...bring back a number of novels with me...that's a good way for me to reduce my stress...hehe...planning to read one later before i sleep...poor eyes of mine...
i'm curious eh...why oh..lizzy read more books than me..but you don't wear specs...hm..unfair eh..

yea~today i got to drink avocado milkshake...better than the one i bought from chill v last time..that one was like..milk without avocado eh..next time in the holiday..i'll try to make that avocado radish salad...and no-na-me salad...

can't decide for a hairstyle..should i trim or not...

look forward to tomorrow eh...i remember liau..i think i've nevr gone sungkai in bandar with any of my friends eh...and so nice..linda got the scholarship to UK...i envy her eh..because she can travel with flight...for long hours lagi...i want to travel with flight also lah~

after shower...before dinner

feel a lot better today...in fact..yesterday was just like a dream...one of my moody days...
but jason was so sweet..he listened and comforted me..and also assure me that there's nothing wrong for me to be myself...so last night chat was basically all about my feelings...paiseh paiseh
and i was right...i wasn't considerate enough..and too self-centred....but no harm feeling so once in a while i guess..i'm not perfect...
i'm fine today...maybe because i don't expect anything from anyone....sometimes i don't take initiatives anymore..because i'm afraid of rejection...and whatever i don't do for other people, i won't make myself to expect them doing it for me...

had a nice time reading in the library just now before lunch time...i read a book titled 'Save the Panda'..it motivated me a lot...i also discovered a lot of interesting facts about panda...tempting me to work for a conservation unit next time...
it would be nice if people in brunei are as aware as people in china about their endangered animals..brunei too have a lot...like the clouded leopard, siamese crocodile, sea egret..so on...arowana is also one of the endangered species...but most people either don't care..or don't know...only a small percentage really go and do something about it...and hehe..in our environmental policy tutorial, we always criticized how slow is brunei's government...our country really needs a section that works on conservation....

talking about animals..finally~ i have puppies at my house...they're Cookie, Tina and Rachel...but i don't take care of them lah...usually my maid or my brother take care of them..i just give them a hand when i have free time and i'm not tired...
if there's anything i learn from my sis's marriage, it's the difficulty about having children and raise them up....for me..having a pet is like having my own kids...and i'm not that responsible for tht yet...but i like touching the dogs...

i'm afraid i'm getting the coughing back...hope no but my throat has been feeling irritating these few nights...

wonder is saturday sungkai jadi or not..i'll sms mimi later...i can't remember when's my last time having sungkai dinner with friends...hope lizzy them have a nice time...they're going out for sungkai i think...

how many times in a day we assume things and believe our assumption is the reality...

this saturday there's no practical..which make the weekend more free than usual...and makes me feel weird...but i think i have to get both animal and plant report done by this weekend..so i only have to prepare for the tutorial on envt. policy on monday...so eventhough nothing urgent to do..i still can't make myself relax..unless it's the long holiday...i'm restless sometimes..or most of the time...hmm..

don't wanna be alone today..

i think..one of the things i'll think of when i think of my uni life next time is loneliness...erm..maybe that's too strong a word to describe how i feel..but today..i really find being alone unbearable...feel like everyone has abandoned me....i guess i'm just too tired...
usually i can amuse myself when i'm alone...i always manage to make myself enjoy the moment i have even if alone..even if no one to talk or accompany me...but today..all those ability left me..
after handed in the testpapers..i waited..eventhough i don't know what and who am i waiting for...and then i realized i shouldn't be waiting...because no one has the time for me...some busy with their own work..some just left with other friends..and waved at me happily...
i thought shopping could make me feel better...but it only made me feel worse...thinking that i've spent so much..althought those are all things i need and have been planning to buy...maybe i shouldn't buy them all at one go...
sometimes i think i'm too demanding on tek ying...how can i expect her to accompany me for lunch...she doesn't have proper lunch..and she got her own things to do also...but sometimes i really can't control myself..i feel like i've helped her as much as i can..and she's not being the same back to me...i should be more considerate towards her...plus..she has her own group of close friends too...although i join them..that doesn't make any difference i guess...

am i the only one feeling so...so far..when i think of uni...what come to my mind would be..study, learn to be alone, pimples and weight loss due to stress...haih...

i blame all to the exhaustion..eversince the beginning of this second half semester...i haven't taken any proper rest...i feel like i've pushed myself to the limits...my legs are not strong enough to walk as fast as before even in the morning....i definitely have done a lot of brisk walking this sem....now if anyone ever say CLT is far from FOS...i'll just shrug and give no comment...because i dont longer agree with that...
i'm ruining my health i guess...insufficient sleep and rest...junk food...heavy dinners...i know i've been too tired...because my chest starts to feel weak again...if i remember..i'll go for a cardio check-up during the holiday next time..always experience that 'heaviness' on my chest when i don't have enough sleep...sometimes will have shortness of breath also...

guess i have problem with mingling with people...or i'm just being fussy...
at the moment..i really think the best thing is get back that cheerful attitude of mine..then alone or not will not matter to me...after saying all the unhappy things out..i really think i was just being ridiculous...and sometimes i wonder why do i bother so much with companion...just because others have their fixed group of friends??

sometimes i really feel proud of myself..no matter how sad or angry i am...i never forget that how fortunate i am...to be who i am..to live in this part of the world..to be in this family...and to have all the love i have....i can't ask for anymore...

i guess i didn't do as good as i did for the previous chem test...but i was too tired to bother...plus my mind was preoccupied by the listlessness too...
hopefully this weekend i can get some rest...i miss holiday...miss the time i don't have to think about any unfinish assignments....wonder do i really want to work during december...

bedtime post

supposed to go to bed now..but got something to say before i forget..

*HUGS* mimi..don't worry...that disappointment will only help you improve more next time... ask your sayang to give you more comfort lah...which i'm sure he has done...look at it from a brighter view...life is not perfect..you can't always guarantee you can do perfect job everytime..but you can always make sure you learn from where you trip and fall...plus..you've got the report to pull up your grade right? so it's not that bad ah...so..gambate gudasai~ !!!

hey swait zin..i love the picture on your blog..it's soo lovely...like that violet colour..makes me envy you guys eh can watch such awesome scenery there...take more pictures like that...

and..hehe...thanks Lizzy *hugs* i love you...thanks for approaching me today in the library...makes me feel..erm...comforted...hehe..although it's a bit silly to feel this way..i just can't help it...guess i always think too much and erm...worry too much...it just feel so warm and sweet...because i was a bit listless...i still am though..don't know why..maybe it's sunday yesterday..

the espeed wasn't working for whole day yesterday and today...normally we met on sunday..but yesterday when i can't even chat with him..it worried me...feel so not-connected with him...and it feels hurt to know he's not happy...i want we both to be happy..i want myself to do well in study...or else i'll regret for letting go of the relationship...i want to make that giving up worth..

and i don't feel like telling people that i'm single now..even when people mentioning about my bf...in some ways..i still behave like i'm not single...just don't think i need to change that much...in fact, i don't mind people to think i'm still with him...as long as that person has nothing to do with his parents....
at times..i feel isolated....but i'm doing fine..

i remember i've been eating a lot of chocolate recently...and eating a lot of heavy meals too...but why people still tell me i've slim down..noi even used the word skinny...it makes me feel insecure...like..there's nothing wrong with my body right...as in my health...skinny is definitely not the adjective i'd like to hear on me...

i probably buy nokia 3120...since repairing my phone may cost $100+ so might as well buy a new one...3120 now cost $185..heard my mom said..see lah..

time to sleep..can't delay anymore...have dissection tomorrow..and yet..this time..wednesday is not a holiday...in fact..have a test on that day...hm..busy busy..no wonder i feel tired of studying now...

first day of school since fasting :p

surprisingly no change in the time table this year during fasting time..good for me since a lot of my classes this sem are during lunch hours..especially jap class...if they change the time..i'll probably have to do one-on-one make up class with minako sensei for my saturday 12 to 1 class..don't think i'll have time after the practical on saturday for any other class..

lizzy..were you expecting to lunch out with me just now?? sorry oh...i went out to kiulap straight away after the english class...was afraid to be late for my jap class at 1..because i didn't know at that time how long would i spend at netcom looking at the laptops...turned out that i reached school before 12.30..and managed to solve my lunch in the car quickly...
also these days..erm..maybe to make myself feel better...i always tell myself...you have nisa with you....so..i only remember maybe you want to lunch out with me when i'm on the highway...soo sorry...next time yeah..when i don't have class during lunch hours..maybe monday..if you don't have practical till 3..
and..unconsciously..i'm trying to be as polite as i can when with you...don't know..haven't got the time to sort it out...can't say i don't feel the distance but..i accept it...like..i feel easier to talk with you through our blogs...just like before....maybe we didn't hang out much so whenever we meet now...it's either study or we'll jst joke about nothing...like just now..i felt a bit awkward after i told you that i'm buying laptop lah...when i told tek ying about it..it's an exciting news...but when told you, feel like..not a big deal...like..why am i mentioning it at first place...
it's one of the best feelings in the world to know no matter how things going on between us, me you and mimi, i know i can count on you guys whenever i need you guys...:)

of course..i have a lot more of people who are willing to listen to me when i have problems..but..not all of them make me feel comfortable to share ups and downs with them..

oh yeah..don't worry about my cuts...it's very minor actually..i asked for plaster because i couldn't stop the bleeding...and dr charles had made it looked serious than it really was...what to do..when you can't find a simple plaster in a first-aid box....:P

and yup..i'm buying laptop..finally~
been wanting to buy one since erm..last year? or longer than that?? who knows...
but everytime i told myself i don't have that much money...this time..i just determined i've had enough with the heavy laptop of my sis...plus..most of the things..like wireless, USB port...what i'll need when at school..are external...which add on the weight...so this time i just quickly made up my mind and put it into action before the excitement faded...i'm buying Dell 1.8 700m...not exactly the size i prefer...but it's light..if i plan to bring it to school with me, it has to be easy and convenient to carry...and most of the things i want is inside...plus..i rather adjust myself to its side than buying other brands which are much more expensive..and no guarantee of the quality..
i don't know much about notebooks though..i just listen to my bro-in-law's advise...he said only app. 5 out of 100 dell sold are returned for complaint..but..if acer..you have to rely on your luck..sometimes you get a good one but sometimes you'll go back to netcom soon for repair...the one josh recommended was nice..the size suit me..but it costs $600 more...
i think i'm getting better at buying things...most of the time now..it's not longer expensive or cheap..it's more worthed or not...

however...my mobile phone has problem with its screen...the people said it'll cost a lot to repair..
the warranty of my phone just over and now the problem come..why doesn't it happen earlier...then i can go back to the shop...now..i can only hope it won't cost that much to repair..or i can borrow a phone from my mom or brother or brother in law..since they have more than 1 phones...if not because i'm buying the laptop..i'd really consider about buying a new one...
i'd be left with less than a thousand in my account after paying for the laptop..if the allowance still doesn't come...
although my mom said i can borrow fook's money..i still prefer to buy it with my own money..it's such a bless to be able to use my own money to buy something i like..

saturday night..night?? or evening?

usually it's the night when me and him spend together...when i'm thinking about him..or talking about him with myself..i don't like calling his name...i wish i could still call him dear...but now..i can't..and i'll feel worse if i refer him as my used-to-be dear..
i miss him..especially when i'm free...sometimes i really feel proud of myself...to be able to take things so easily...like..it's been 2 weeks...i don't cry..because i know that will make me feel worse and lengthen the period of my 'healing'...but i do allow myself to shed tears...allow myself to look back at what we had done..and gone through together....i don't hate his parents..never did...i appreciate their care for him...i really think their intention is good...but they just approach him the wrong way...i'm proud of him too..because he loves his parents...i don't lie to myself when i'm not happy...and i don't think i'm making use of the study to keep my mind busy..because the study is indeed busy enough...i don't even have time to make use of them..
i don't lie to him too when i miss him...and i still tell him what my plan next day...

for adults who have my respect..i'll listen to them..because...i believe they know a lot more about life than me..just like most of our mothers and grandparents...they might not know the theory but a lot of things..they know it..with their own explanation and reasoning..and that's only come from experience..sometimes i really wish i could reach my 50s or 60s..and then i'll sit down..and tell my life stories to my next generation..hehe...

i don't know..maybe i still judge my own figure based on his view...a habit dies hard kua...sometimes i think i look good..but sometimes..when i reckon i've eaten a lot more than enough..or a lot of junk fatty food..i'll start to worry...hm...i'll need some time to stop thinking thin is pretty kua..or it's not only his fault..those magazines and tv show i read and watch also have impact on me kua...
but aftr mimi's comment..and lizzy's..i feel less worried...and less obsess with my body fats kua..
oh yeah..mimi..i don't take the tea every day lah..only when i think i've eaten a lot..or too oily stuffs...and i want to make sure i don't feel full when i go to sleep...hm..it's more to do with convincing myself that it's ok to sleep and eat kua...
hey i know i've gone a bit over with it...see how lah...it's a great temptation when i can fit in clothes that i couldn't before...like..from size XL to size M...keeps me motivated...but i won't get too slim lah..i plan to stop taking the tea often lor..or else i'll never make myself to exercise...
hehe..lizzy...find a companion to jog..then it's likely you'll stick to it...someone like me...hehe..me too wish to jog...but everytime just cancel the plan last minute...since i'm alone..there won't be any harm if i don't jog...but i think i'm clever enough...since i don't exercise so often now..i try to walk as much as i can and as fast as i can when in school...that's why i like saturday morning class..keeps me awake with all those brisk walking...

i'm getting darker...:(
not a problem though...i think if too fair won't look healthy as well...
i think i just limit myself to 2 or 3 shopping trips each month...good for my account..and thanks to driving..i shop less...when i think of i have to drive..lazy to go lor..i never like driving..but the idea of it prevent me from going shopping..makes me like it a bit...

honestly..i can't think of any reason why i shouldn't be happy with my life...maybe my family is a bit shaky...my love life has come to a temporary stop...and my study takes too much of my time..but none of them is a problem...because i feel closer to my family now..and we are more united than ever...although i don't have bf now..i haven't lost him...i just have one more close friend..and i have more time for my study and for myself...although sometimes my study makes me want to cry..still my performance tell me all my effort worthed...i find no reason to complain about my life...so i just stay happy and cheerful..slowly i can influence the people around me to be happy also i hope...smile is infectious..so is happiness i think...
although it sound..showy or boastful...i really find myself fortunate to have so many good people in my life...like..no matter what i did or where i go..i know there'll be people loving me...hm..sometimes i find it a bit frustrating plang...hehe :P

ok lah..want to go dinner lor..plan to sleep early tonight..and wake up early tonight..then can start on my assignments (i hope)..
my sunday is always boring..just staying at home...in fact..most of the time..when i don't have to go to school..i stay at home...only once in a while will i long to go out...i'm such a suitab;e person to be a full time housewife eh :p