...

broke up with him for about a month now...and i'm so lagging..because i only start to feel sad now...only begin to feel that he's really not longer mine...
i can't lie with myself anymore...every time...unconsciously..i pretended that the wound is not there...nothing has ever happened except the title of our relationship...we just change from couple to friends...and the rest of the things would still be the same...how naive had i been...i just pretended that everything is perfect for me...i still have his love...still chat with him every night..still allow myself to miss him, care for him and rely on him as before...just because he said i can still tell him everything..i told him every up and down in my life...how blunt i was...i make him listen to me every night about my life...comforted him when he's down...do everything i think a girlfriend should do...haih...
i have to stop that now...because all of the things i do are hurting him...and also myself...i never really face the ugly fact...i wasn't really fine...but i just convinced myself that i'm fine...
his words and feelings still can affect me...although i know i shouldn't have bothered about it anymore...
i had been selfish...i lied to myself that things are ok for me...and take advantage of him just to make myself better...i know he doesn't blame me...maybe he never will...but i hate myself for that...i know he's not coping it well..yet i keep bugging around him...even told him things like i miss him..things i'm not supposed to say..have no right to say anymore...

it's already the 4th day of this week..yet i still can't cheer myself up...i lost interest in my study...lost the patience with my niece...my mind is fully packed with how i feel and how he feel and how i make him feel...

i really really wish i could help him feel better...but..i know this is not a good time...i should let him get over it by himself...just like i should get over it by myself too...
it's really hard to ignore him...and even harder to be ignored by him...

i'm lost now...it'..normal right??

i think i've put on extra pounds of fats..especially on my upper arms....of course i assume people will roll their eyes when i say that...but it's true ah...i think i'll volunteer for dr charles's field work...just to keep myself busy...

i miss him..really..especially these days...i can't stop thinking about him..but i don't feel like doing anything about it...but i think this wont last long...when i get fed-up with feeling down..i'll pull myself together and get over it..like i usually do...i really wish we're still together...but i know what's the reality now...we can never be together again...unless his parents approve...provided we still have feelings for each other by that time...haih...i still can't make up my mind to forget him...all i can do..is learn to live with the situation now...everything will be fine once i got used to it....right...
all my optimistism has gone...let me be...