public holiday

mi, i envy you for being able to take the 'fatty' comment easily. I'm yet to learn that. I have to admit, until now, if someone tells me right on my face that i am fat, i'll get moody for at least a day. Worse, if that someone happens to be my close relative, i'll end up crying when i'm alone later on. The other day i talked with meimei about this. For her, she has learnt to ignore the person, like mimi does.

I think it all depends on the tone of that person used. If the comment is sincerely meant to remind me about my increasing weight, i'll take it effortlessly and might end up talking with the person about how to lose weights. But if that person talked like what lizzy has encountered, i'll sure break into tears.

I have been obesed for my entire childhood and almost my entire teenage and i have come a long way to reach my weight today so i guess, that's why i have this fear about weight gain. That makes me vulnerable to comment like that. Plus, i do have gained a few kilos.

But, if i keep track to what i'm doing now, there shouldn't be any problem shedding those extra pounds. Hopefully i'll stay motivated and strong-determined.

We had a little party on christmas eve at my place. Although my sis said we'd just invite our close relatives, it still ended up like a disaster for me. First, i was too busy and tired to enjoy the party. Secondly, i didn't get to spend much time with dear. I don't have the character of a good host so i never really enjoy party at my place. And i eventually realise that i seldom relax at home, unless i'm all alone. There are simply too many things at home that i think i have to do. Probably no one expect me to do all those things but, it's my sense of responsibility that keeps me wanting to help. Then i know why i like field courses. Because that's when i can just pay attention to myself only.

Lizzy, i read your previosu comment after i met you at UG the other day. Erm.. since my christmas eve is not a pleasant one, so i decided that i want to make it up for dear on new year's eve. So i'm going to keep my 31st night free. Hehe.

Anyway, there is still something good about this christmas. For the first time, we have a christmas tree at home! Wow!

And for me, Christmas is still one of the festivals that i'll look forward to in a year. WHy not? Just look at those lovely decorations and christmas cakes, like the one at Rizqun (below). Also, to me, it's a season which we spend time with family and exchange sweet and warm wishes.

quick post

I've just finished watching Sex and the city movie. It was great! Something not to miss.
And, watching the movie made me miss all the old ladies. How are you guys lately? We should hang out one of these days, before year 2008 end. When will Lizzy be back in brunei?? I've met meimei and the meeting was very pleasant. We did lots of catch-ups. Oh gosh! I think i'm getting old. I'm having the urge to keep in touch with most of my friends these days, before we turn into strangers.

I notice i enjoy watching dvds more than watching movies at the cinema now. Maybe watching at home saves more time and, my mind can really switch to relax mode.

The other day, when i was on the road, i saw a row of cars blinking their signals at the same time, and that made my day! A moment later, i realized, oh my god! Simple things like that can make me laugh?! Finally.. i'm getting it back, my ability to appreciate things in my life. I've learnt it long ago that sometimes, it's the tiny things in life that cheer you up more effectively than anything else. But you have to be able to seek it out.

I'm trying to start a workout routine now. So far, looking good. Hope i can keep to it for long. Thanks to lizzy for inviting me to join her last time to hike at bk ambok (did she invite me or did i just pandai-pandai join her outings with her mom and sis?? :p). Eversince then, i am in love with the feeling of hiking early in the morning. Too bad, none of my imeediate family members likes hiking. But now, i finally have companions to go again, since my aunts are eager now to shed pounds.
Everytime when i'm walking along the path of bk ambok, i feel peaceful and grateful. Grateful for the treasures we have in tutong. From the top of the hills, i can see good-conditioned roads, beautiful and big houses, dark green mangroves and a sense of tranquility. I always know i love my town and selfishly, i hope it will remain as it is now.

holiday~

i went to labuan over the weekend. It was a nice holiday, catching up with su yee. She's pregnant now! Spending two days with her allowed me to see how capable she is. I'm so proud to be her cousin, and happy for her too that she has a wonderful husband who dotes on her so much.

The week before last week, i exercised too much. So i ended up feeling exhausted on the first few days of the week. Didn't get to exercise at all last week..oh no~

I miss dear terribly. Didn't spend much time together last week and last night, there was a mini birthday celebration for my bro-in-law at my place. *sniff *sniff, people want some private time with dear lah~

didn't get to take any picture when i was in labuan. I really think deep down in me, i'm a very shy girl. I saw a few of friends who i used to hang out with whenever i went to labuan when i was young. But, i just said hi and didn't talk much. Like, i wanted to talk more, but i couldn't make myself to tell my aunties and uncles to leave without me. I wish they can respect me and stop treating me as their 'property'. Haih.. that is the only thing that always spoil my holiday in labuan.

I'm in a shopping mood now! So, maybe i should avoid going to shopping centre. Haha

busy week

i've been going to one yoga class and two aerobic classes this week so far. So i have reached my target of 3 hours cardio exercise this week. I hadn't been exercised much lately, and that had made me lazy and heavy. After those exercise classes, i feel more energetic now and i have noticed myself being more active too. The aerobic classes weren't impressive. The only good thing about it is, it did make me sweat a lot, though not as much as my yoga class. It's hard to reject but i'll try my best to persist, because it's my money and my time.

i'm darker now! I never hate dark skin but given a choice, i'll rather be fair. Reason? Simply because fair skin allows me to look good with any colours.

At the moment, i'm considering about buying kose lotion. It's a toner, costs B$85 (200mL) or B$130 (360mL). Although i'm earning more than that now, i still find it costly. Anyone has tested on this product before?? Another product i'm considering is the miracle water of SKII. Yeah, another costly one. But the magazines and tv show i trust have all complimented on these two brands. I'm still trying to figure out if it's worthed to spend that much on my face.

i haven't been spending much time with my family this week. Because of the aerobic classes, i came home late, as in 7.30pm. I know for most young people these days, 7.30pm is nothing. But for me, that is late. I'm the type of people who thinks i should be at home before the sun set.
I surf through facebook and blogs of people in my age group sometimes. What i found is, i don't do most of the things they do. Like, partying, gathering with friends, drinking, etc. I only feel ok to be out at night when i'm out with dear or my family. Staying up till late at night is really not the type of things i'll do. My liver needs to rest starting from 11pm, and i can imagine how awful i'll feel the next day if i go to bed late. Not to mention the dark circles under my eyes and the bigger appetite i'll be getting. Gosh! It's a nightmare to me!

I feel so odd among most of my friends and relatives because of my obsession (though i don't think i'm obsessed) on healthy living. But at the same time, i'm so proud of myself for thinking this way. I'm more concerned about health than anyone in my family. So i hope, i'm not the most susceptible one to any pathogen or sickness. Remember the hygiene hypothesis..

Ok, time to sleep now. Goodnight!

something to share

The grass next door is greener. Of course, it's not always true but sometimes it's so easy for me to fall into that kind of thinking.
I saw those flowers near my house simpang the other day, when i was taking a walk at dusk. I love the atmosphere at that time. Full of golden yellow sunlight and cool evening breeze. I was fascinated by the beauty of those flowers when the sunlight fell on them.
It made me realize that i haven't been looking around this neighbourhood for quite some time. I've been looking forward to eco-trips in a few countries but actually, there are something lovely near me and i almost missed it. And really, simple things are not necessary plain while sophisticated stuffs are not always apealing.
I want to learn to appreciate what i already have, instead of keep trying to reach for something that is not crucial in life.

At the moment, i'm learning to love the way i am now. I don't have to be the best to be accepted by people, what matter most is i accept myself for who i am.

Last week, i went for my first yoga class at a yoga studio in kiulap. Today i went for my second class. I love it. After my first class, i could feel all the tensions off from my body. I felt a lot 'lighter'. And today, gosh! I can see the floor and mat covered by my sweat droplets all the time *blushed* I love the way i feel at the end of a exercise session, especially when i sweat a lot during the sesson. It's the effect of epinephrine hormones i guess. I feel accomplished!

Recently, i bought a book on LOHAS lifestyle. I have to say i'm impressed with the LOHAS way of living and i hope one day i'll be determined enough to be one of the LOHAS people.

I'm weird maybe, but i do need more courage in order to be dare enough to be different from others. But i'm trying, bit by bit and one day, i'll succeed :)

A letter to myself

Hey Jocy,

What has happened to you? I don't like the you now. When are you going to stop complaining about your life and the people around you?

Look around and appreciate what you have! Think about your easy-yet-high-pay job, think about your helpful and caring colleagues, think about your dear who is always by your side, think about your friends who have car or phone loans to pay and think about those misfortunes who have no parents or siblings or any family member at all..
Stop saying your life is miserable when you have so many things in your life! Learn to be happy with yourself. No one has a perfect life, so stop day-dreaming about everything will happen as the way you like it to be!

If you love yourself and are happy with your life, everything will turn out fine. Or else, nothing is going to please you, no matter how. If someone has hurt you, then it could be his/her fault. But if suddenly, everyone is hurting you, then you should start to be aware that YOU probably are the problematic one. Stop being sensitive and self-pity. Don't forget to think rationally and be considerate and understanding. If you could find pleasures in simple things in life easily last time, there is no reason why you can't do that now. So GAMBATE JOCY!!!


Love,
Jocy

...

the photo session with the old ladies turned out to be joyful! Of course, with old ladies around, things always become right. Thanks girls! Love you all! I must say you guys are really unique and great people!

recently, a lot of conflicts have been going on between me and a group of friends. My level of tolerance has gone far too low, i guess. I start to wonder how did i cope with certain things in the past yet now i find them unbearable. I probably need to learn about teamwork once again. Also, to make myself feel better these days, i must learn to be myself, speak my mind and persist in my likes and dislikes.

There are lots of ways to make people do as you like. I have to say, by throwing tantrums or putting up a 'black' face is one of the lousiest ways to achieve that. Yes, you can definitely make me give in (i'm going to change this fact one day) but the price for you to pay is, everyone i come across those few days is going to learn something about you and most of the time, it's something bad. Because it's really hard for me to keep my mouth shut when i'm feeling that someone has taken advantage of me, forcefully..

haih.. i hope to learn some of the ways which i can control my anger. It's really bad to get angry frequently, bad for the health, bad for the weight and bad for the skin too. I've decided to learn yoga so i can have better self-control and self-awareness. Yoga is also an excellent aerobic exercise for people at any age.

'i've got things to say, please listen to me! I believe i am loud enough, but i guess my words have little or no weight. So you guys never listen to me...please, don't ignore my opinion.. please respect my decision and my plan...'

I understand, it's all up to me. I'm the only one who can bring myself out of this awful circumstance. I need more strength..

convo...

it's been a week after the convo..
everyone seems to be still overwhemled by the excitement. I can see new photos of convo uploaded every day in facebook.

....

am i the only one who is not excited about the graduation??
my colleague laughed at me for uploading my convo pictures late. it's hard to tell him that there's nothing to be happy about my convo..

lately i found out that, actually ping wanted to go to my convo but he missed the chance. Bad me, for i never expected him would want to go. In my mind, ping and study are just like ice and fire. He never likes study, although i'm sure he is a lot cleverer than me. Maybe the education system here doesn't suit those clever, fast-learner people well.
i never asked him if he wants to go, also because he was working on that day.
One of my aunts too wished to go but gave the chance to my grandpa, because she knew that seats were limited.
So it turned out that there are people who were more than willing to come to my convo.. quite a lot of them, but the number didn't include my parents.. anyway, it's over now.

i want to continue with master study and enjoy the graduation later, since i don't have any sweet memory about my first degree convo.

tomorrow there will be 2 group photo sessions for me. Same day, same place but different groups of friends and at different time.
I.. don't wish to go actually. I really wish to get over the convo as soon as i can. But will i regret next time if i don't take group photo now?
Should i force myself to do something i don't enjoy just to make sure i don't feel regret next time or should i just follow my heart?
everyone seems to think it is important but i feel 'bitter' whenever i'm among them.. i'm too caught up with my own emotion to enjoy the happiness of my friends.

i know many of you are proud of me (I do read your comment, sz!) but no matter how big the number is, i still feel dissatified.
Thanks for all your compliments and comforts. I'm pulling myself together slowly so don't worry.
In fact, most of the time, i'm just normal, like usual. I always believe time can heal any wound.

Oh yeah! I feel proud tonight, because i have my mom and dad pocket money! Haha! Although it's not much, still, it's the heart that counts.

...

'If you don't want to come, It's fine. PLease don't act as if i'm begging anyone to come for my convo! If you don't appreciate it, don't pretend that you care!'

i wish to appreciate their effort in trying to please me for dragging themselves to my convo. That shows they do care about my feelings. But i can't help to see that as a pity and my pride doesn't allow me to feel glad about that.

Ok! Enough about that. Better stop before i think further more.

I went to a national conference on thursday. It's at the Empire. I must say, it's a very precious experience for me. I'm very impressed by Asia Inc Forum group who organized the whole event. The talks were very informative, though 1 or 2 of them didn't manage to keep me interested for long. The food was lovely! I remembered to capture a few shots of the food, just to share them with the old ladies.

Our Appetizer - Crab and Prawn Mango Salad

Half-eaten multi-grains bread

Our main course - Nori & Cashew NutCrusted Chicken Breast

I love the appetizer. It's super-delicious. Actually there's supposed to be dessert as well. For some reasons, our table was not served with the dessert. Oh well, i'm not a dessert person anyway. By the time we found out that other tables had had their desserts, it was too late to request for it too. Oh yeah! That's also my first time entering the Empire Theatre. I like the seat, it was so comfortable and we're sitting on the first row, right in front of the stage and the speaker! Ken's cousin, Justin sat with me and my colleague Aslia. He's flying over to Singapore soon just to watch a concert. Cool yeah! I've also got other stuffs from the conference - since i'm one of the first 100th person for registration, i've got a book with the title 'The Hot Topic: What We Can Do About Global Warming' by Walker and King. That's one of the main reasons why i registered early last time. The other reason being the early bird's price ($250 for early birds but $295 for normal registration). I also bought a tree and a 2009 calendar made with recycled paper on that day. I'm thinking to give the calendar to Dr Edwards when he's back from his leave. Hope he'll like it. The calendar consists of lots of pictures. Maybe i'll post some of the nice pictures up here when i'm not lazy. Those pictures were taken for a photography contest in ISB.

Me, Aslia and Justin in the Empire Theatre

The book

A reusable bag as a one of the door gifts (inside: programmes, introduction of speakers, a pen, a small note pad, a sticker of tips to save water and electricity, also a table calendar of Year 2009)

My name tag without the plastic holder (plastic holder was returned to the people for reusing)

The calendar i've bought

It's really amazing to see a large group of people (professionals, students, academic staffs, government and non-goverment staffs) come together and work towards one goal, that is Go Green, making a cleaner and brighter future.

COmpare to them, i'm a lot more selfish. A lot of people consider saving the world environment now for our future generation. But come to think of it, i'm saving it for myself and the people i love now. Because i don't want to live in a horrible environment in the future. I still have like at least 40 to 50 years to live (i think) on this earth. Of course i must try to make it stay clean and in good condition. Because as i turn old, my immune system will become weak and my body will be a lot less fitter than now; i'll be more susceptible to sickness and any natural disasters. And should i decide to have children next time, the environment i live in is going to affect my baby, especially during pregnancy. As for future generation, well, they should have more ability, knowledge and more technologies to protect the earth than the current generation, if the kids these days really learn what is taught to them in school. We learn about conservation quite late in our study but i think these days, even primary schools include environmental stuffs in their syllabus or ECA.

Oh Yeah! LAstly, i want to show off cute post-it-notes i've bought recently..

cute right?

Update! Update!

Selamat Hari Raya to all~
i spent the first two days of Raya counting days. I took my paid leave on the wednesday (wrong move!) so when i woke up on Thursday, it was a bit disappointing to know i still have 4 more sit-around-and-do-nothing days to bear. And one thing, i actually felt guilty for taking the leave. I wasn't sick or what. I bet the reason of i'm taking leave because everyone else is taking is not valid enough for myself. Oh well, what done is done.

I feel a bit bad that i missed house-visiting with the old ladies. There are always clashes, clashed with my time with dear, clashed with the time my mom's out so i have to stay at home. Despite the fact that i've only managed to go to less than a handful of open house, i still suffer from food stagnation 'mentally'. I feel the need to cleanse my digestive tract haha!

Thanks Lizzy for the last comment. By now, i've accepted the fact that my mom won't be coming for my convo. I didn't want to make it compulsory for her to come. Haih.. i'm afraid i still haven't got over it completely. I hate to think that all my hardworks and efforts are not appreciated by my closed ones. Sometimes, i feel that i'm the odd one among my family. It's really hard to make them understand my opinions. For the past few weeks, i've been feeling inferior most of the time because my feeling has been neglected for a couple of times, continuously. I really thought that i am being treated unfairly by my mom. Eventually, i concluded that there must be something wrong with my own communication skills and perhaps, my personality too.
And i realized, a lot of things never change. Like, the way i get mad, my attitude with my family and hence, i have no doubt that this kind of thing will happen again and again in the future.

Yeah, the past few weeks, it was like hell for me, which is why i didn't update much here. Feel like my life is miserable, like i never get what i want. I even went to the extreme, thinking that i'm abandoned by the world. One evident that i have poor communication with my family is that, none of them know how i felt in the past few weeks. I never succeed in sharing my downs with them and they seem to never understand my ups. Gosh! I have strong desire to feel pampered now!

WHen i was young, i always had this idea that when i grow up and earn lots of money, i'll do lots of good deeds, like give offerings to people, particularly give pocket money to a few elders in my family. But now, when the time has come, as in i started working, i realized it's hard to fulfill those dreams. It's always easier to spend money as a kid. At my age now, i'm restricted by my own needs and responsibilities. Helping others become less easy. Or maybe it's me who has become too self-centred?? Hmm..

These days i'm slowly getting the hang of my job. That's good because i get to see more benefits of those tests. But that also means i spend more time doing the analysis because i start to question more than i did when i first started the work. Hm.. i'll consider that as a sign of improvement. Hehe.

*blank*

I understand how you feel mi, i guess. I kept asking myself too why didn't i apply for the scholarship earlier, when i heard that my friend is leaving soon for her master in UK. Yeah, since it's us who made our choice, so be it lah. But deep down in me, i still think i'd do better for master if it's for my job. At least the objective of me pursueing a master degreee is clear and straightforward. Ok, now i just need to constantly remind myself about my original plan, instead of letting the envy taking over me.

My mom's going on a vacation next month so it's very likely that she won't be around for my convo. Hmm.. i have to admit that i'm disappointed to know this. I really wish she could be there but.. it's not the first time anyway. It's good for her too to be able to travel around. That's like, one of my goals too to sponsor oversea trips for her. I really can't bring myself to ask her not to go. But i really really wish she could come to my graduation. After all, it's for her.

Lack of updates recently right?? I've been trying to stay away from pc. Imagine looking at monitor screen all the time during my working hours and 2 or 3 hours every night. Oh god! I pity my eyes.

So far, work is ok. I'm learning new things, especially from my junior *blushing* he's a lot more analytic and smarter than me. So naturally, i let him do all the brain-cracking thinkings and wait patiently for his explanation. Bad me! I need more exercises for my brain, before it turns rusty.

Recently, someone did some calculations with my birthday and pointed out that i spend a lot. Everyone seems to think that's wrong about me. Come to think of it, i agree with the calculation. I don't spend all the time. However, if i have spare money in my wallet, the money will be gone before i realize and i simply can't think of where did i spend them. I do spend a lot of books and i find no problem with that. It's for the sake of learning! *yuck* Haha! I really think i'm good at reasoning sometimes. Maybe that's how i passed most of my exams?? Well, i'll prefer to think that i passed my exams because i put effort in it.

People said the rate of suicide due to bankruptcy is increasing in Taiwan, at a very alarming rate. I wonder how long it'll take before the same thing happen in our country. I'm not cursing! It's true, just look at the way how many people waste their money on trivial things. Maybe for them, it's a necessity in life so for them, it's investment, not wasting.

Got to go now, time to sleep. It's actually past my usual bedtime and sleep is important. Sleep tight people!

Yea! It's a Friday!

I'm counting days every week. Can't wait for very friday and sunday to come :p
Later i'll be going for a new haircut. I really hate my hair now, everyday is a bad hair day for me. Wish i can get a new look.

Tomorrow will be my last working day for this month. It feels so soon yet so slow. And i'm picking up ways to loaf on the job haha. Because i'm always in the lab by myself and i'm started to miss Haslina. It was so much better with her around. But i'm learning to appreciate this job. Gambate!

The fasting month is coming soon, so meaning i'll be home earlier next week onwards. It's good because i miss my niece and nephew, miss the time when they make me angry then make me laugh again despite my frustration. My nephew is learning talking now. It's like, i can hear new words coming from him every day.

Now, i can see the power of qualification. People spend longer time on study to earn more money with little work in the future. For those who didn't study that much, they have to do double or maybe triple amount of work but less pay in return.
At the moment, i wish to buy a piece of land for farming. Plant various types of vegies and grains so i have food security in the future. Sometimes i wish to go back to the past, the time when people grow their own vegies, raise their own poultry, catch their own fish or other seafood.
Recently, i keep thinking of going to the Great Wall of China. The history of China really appeals to me, i like to read stories of the different emperors. Oh~ can't wait to go miri now to buy more books.

my first working week

this week is hectic for me. I started working on monday and my mom flew to Thailand for a vacation last sunday morning. My sis celebrated eshyn's birthday that sunday afternoon and my aunts stayed here till night time. I was exhausted on that night that i was panting unconsciously. I experienced that panting again on tuesday, having to prepare dinner after back from my work, then had to keep in mind to record 2 different tv shows for my parents, helped my mom doing her work and then rushed to basketball court to watch ping's basketball match (turned out that he's only a substitute).
My work is ok, not laborious. I guess i'm feeling worn-out every night is due to the sitting. I'm basically sitting in front of the pc most of the time and i may have poor sitting posture, that's why my body aches after working for only a few days. Yup, i think i need exercise to relieve my muscle pain. It's been only a week but i'm feeling that my butt and thigh are bigger now. I don't really enjoy my work but i won't give up. Unless i can get another better job, else i'll continue it until i'm not needed. Be persistent!
Finally my mom's back from her vacation on thursday night. I only managed to sleep tight last night, no longer dreamless sleep.
What i learned this week is, it's not easy to be a working mother. Also, it's so hard to keep to a healthy diet with a tight schedule.

Wow! Tonight is the closing ceremony for the Olympic. Thanks to Astro, we've got to watch it live later. I wonder will that be any fireworks again. Hehe. I love watching fireworks, especially short session. When they have it for half an hour, the firework just doesn't seem special anymore.

At the moment, i'm still exploring restaurants or cafes which are not too far from UBD. My lunch hour is from 12.15 pm (sometimes i leave at 12 :p) till 1.30pm. So far i have tried a few restuarants that i've never been to before. Still looking for places with cheap but good enough food. I've tried soto Rosmini in Batu Bersurat and i definitely will go there often. The soto is delicious yet cheap. I can have lunch less than $5 there. Then i have also tried Le' Stadium. I love the environment there, very cosy and quiet. The food is good too but not pocket-friendly for me. I'm not saying the food is expensive. It's just me who is trying to limit my lunch budget. The Le' Stadium cafe is somewhere worthed going for second time.
So people, if you have any idea where is the ideal place for lunch, do let me know. WHat i mean by ideal here is low price and near UBD. Because i'm the type of people who is lazy to drive and count every single cents i spent on car fuels and lunch. Yeah sometimes i think i'm a bit too stingy. ONLY sometimes :p

This week i lunch alone most of the time, something which i always avoided in the past. For me, dining out alone is awkward, especially for a girl. But now i'm learning to get used to it. I'm still not very familiar with the other staffs at IM. I'm slow at making friends with strangers, unless they take initiative. Then other friends, either they lunch with their significant ones, or they're low in budget or wrong timing. So i always end up alone. But i'm doing fine, just a bit lonely at times. The good thing is, i only need 1 hour for lunch and can start my work early in the afternoon. I would say it's a good practice for me because there are too many times when i wish to do something or go somewhere but in the end i do nothing due to no companion. I wish from now on, i can overcome that problem. I just keep assuring myself that it's nothing wrong with doing those things alone. Just be natural, since i'm not commiting a crime or something like that.

Title??

Two days ago i went for a boat trip in Kg Ayer. That was my first time seeing the other side of Kg Ayer and even reached the legendary Jong Batu. It was a nice trip. I like the atmosphere there and i wonder if there's any hotel so i can spend a night there. Really hope that i can get to experience the life at Kg Ayer one day. I always imagine taking a walk at the water village at dusk, just like one of the field trips we had in our first year. It was Batu Marang that we went to. I can still remember the tranquility i felt at that time.

These days i'm a bit down, for no reason. Hormonal change is unlikely the reason. Maybe because i was a bit busy and hungry most of the time. I hope the reason is as simple as that. I will try to cheer up soon or dear will have a hard time.

The fact that Brunei didn't manage to take part in the Olympic seems like bothering a lot of people. Sometimes i think i'm too naive. Or it could be that i'm short-sighted. Because what happened didn't affect me much. If we didn't get to participate this time, just take part in the next Olympic. Some people are putting the blame on the government departments for this issue. I think there must be lots of things behind the door and since we, the public, do not know it well, we shouldn't really criticize anyone. But i truly agree with someone on the Opinion page today who thinks that the state government should encourage our athletes to join any international sport events, instead of giving permit to participate only when they're confirmed with victory. Hm.. is that really the case here?

Honestly, there are lots of thinkings we need to change. For example, the people here should stop thinking UBDians are not better than those oversea graduates. I would say UBDians are different from, not less capable than, those graduates come back from abroad. From what i heard, in ubd we learn more courses than the oversea students so in theory, we are ought to be more knowledgeable than them. But most oversea students are more outgoing and socialize better than us. So, actually no one is better than anyone. We have different study environments and trained differently. So it's unfair to compare.

I wish to broaden my life. But how am i able to achieve that wish if i don't do anything about it right? I know, i'm a passive person most of the time.

Olympic! Olympic! Olympic!

I'm still watching the opening ceremony now on tv. The fireworks was soooo cool! Wish i could watch it there at the bird's nest stadium. I'm so proud to be a Chinese now haha!

This year i notice a lot of changes in me. I stop eating certain food i like and start to like others that i used to hate. For example, i actually love garlics and shallots now but i used to avoid them in the past. This year is the first time i appreciated the decorations and efforts for the celebration of His Majesty's birthday. And now, i can't wait to see the sport events on tv. This time, i'm interested to watch tennis, badminton and swimming. Maybe volleyball too. Hehe i'll just watch all if i have the time. And i can't wait for the basketball tournament in Tutong. My brother said they'll try to make it start on the 13th.

I wish to go for a vacation!! Somewhere like Australia, somewhere i've never been and most importantly, somewhere far far away. But far far away means lots of $$$. Hm.. need to save money first. Want to 'open my eyes' more.

Watching the Olympic opening ceremony makes me realize how poor my geography is. There are lots of countries i've never heard before. Isn't it a good thing that we have television and satellites these days? We don't have to go all the way to China to witness the big event, so can avoid the air pollution there :p

Tonight the ambuyat was very satisfying! As usual, we had more than enough food for the number of people present. It's likely to be the last time we hang out with lizzy before she return to Calgary. Going to miss her. I know myself well enough so i'm not going to send her off at the airport. Recently i cry easily, no matter it's because of good or bad things.

Hehe, i'm going to start working in a week time. Yea!

ambuyat tomorrow!

this morning, i went to FBEPS, then FOS. Half na hour later, went to IM and stayed there for less than half an hour before i returned to FOS. Met a lecturers, talked with tek ying then zoom back to IM again to meet my so-called employer. Then at 12, i drove back to tutong, picked up my brother from school and lunch at home. After that, went to MOD to hand in a letter (got lost in the building *blushed*) then my aunt's place in Mentiri. Stayed there for an hour then we went to the Pertama in Muara before headed home. Thank god my mom's the one driving in the afternoon. Hoo~ my day is packed today and i feel so accomplished! As usual, being busy makes me feel needed. So i have no doubts that i'll be a workaholic next time.

Finally someone updated her blog, after she last updated ages ago hehe. Tomorrow we're going out for dinner again, eating ambuyat. Yum Yum! My diet plan has been so challenging recently. I must stick as close to it as possible. Gambate kudasai!

Oh there's a good news! I'll be starting on my RA job in a week time. So i'll get 10 working days this month. So nice! At last i don't have to do nothing at home for whole day. Feel bit anxious though, like, what if i can't do well? But i guess practice makes perfect and if there's really something i can't do, i should feel grateful for the chance for me to learn new stuffs.

Ok, up to here. My niece is distracting me now. The kids these days just don't listen to elders!

what a day

Today i spent almost my whole day in ubd. Went to FBEPS to hand in questionnaires, settled with my so-called salary, met up with nining and finally, passed the gift to my supervisor.
He's going on leave again next month for 3 months; he's trying to clear out the leaves he has accumulated since a few years ago. He said he's going back to UK for further medical treatment. Hope his health is going to be ok. When i talked with him, it felt so nice. I was a bit reluctant to leave the room. Because i don't know when will be the next time i'll see him again. Feel a bit disappointed when i found out that he won't be here for the convo.
Actually planned to come home before noon. Then another lecturer called and asked if i could see him at 3pm to discuss for the courses i did last two years. Oh yeah! Can anyone tell me how should i react when people praise about my classification? I feel bit awkward when a person tells another person that i top the class. I guess i'm just not used to complements. I have no idea what to say except smile and say thank you. Now i feel lucky that most of my family members don't understand the classification system of my degree.

I'm sure i'm going to miss the time in uni, just like i miss the time back in sufri. That's like the most care-free period in my life up to now. I ate whatever and whenever i wanted, talked about almost anything with the old ladies and enjoyed the excitement my study brought to me.
It's amazing that till now, things haven't changed much between me and the old ladies, except maybe i'm a bit quieter now when talking in a group.
When i walked around the campus today, i was stucked with a mixture of emotions. Happy because of my results, a bit sad because i'm leaving the place soon and relieved too that i didn't encounter many problems during my time in ubd.

Nining kept assuring me that i am not fat now. I know i am not, if based on the definition of 'fat' in brunei but it's a fact that my clothes are tight now. Plus, no harm losing a few kilos to feel better about myself.
But tomorrow i'm going for a lunch buffet with the old ladies and night time i've asked lizzy out for dinner at the new gerai in tutong. It's going to be a fruitful day for my tummy!

I have sent out a few job applications and so far, no reply from any of them yet. Next month i'm going to start my RA job at IM. I actually hope i can get a permanent job before september. Just don't feel secure with a temporary job. I'm being choosy. Since i still have some savings, i think it should be alright for me to choose jobs.

People, this august is the ghost month. Whether you believe in this or not, just be cautious with everything, especially while driving.

It's a holiday!

I was reading the newspaper just now. Guys, we should really feel thankful to be living in Brunei. We have good air conditions, clean water supply and countless subsidies. Sometimes i think reading the news is depressing nowadays. There are always more bad news than good ones. Is that the real world out there today? Or people just tend to focus more on the ugly side?

Last sunday, i went for a bbq at lizzy's place. It was fun meeting her friends. They are all very nice people because i didn't feel awkward or odd when hanging out with them for the first time. Yet, i still felt a bit self-conscious. It's just typical of me to feel shy among strangers. But still, i enjoyed that day.

I am the type of people who can get influenced by others easily. Like, my plan was to have a long break after the seminar, let my body and mind get enough rest before i start any plan. I have to admit i was quite worried when i found out that many of my classmates are doing something during the time i was resting. Some have started working, some doing research works for lecturers and some having attachment at government departments. The thought of me being the only one doing nothing at all scared me, until dear reminded me that taking a break is my original plan. Poor dear, he has to endure my complaints and fears almost everytime we meet.
And yeah, now i feel erm.. finally i'm standing firmly on my feet.
Sometimes, even though i'm doing what i think i should do, i can't help hesitating if people around me do or say something different. Like i'm not confident enough with my own decision but at the same time too stubborn to accept others' point-of-view. Actually, i seldom change my mind. But i'll keep on questioning myself am i doing the right thing.

People have been telling me not to worry about getting a job because what i've got is a second upper degree, as if that's something very extraordinary. I guess i haven't really realized the value of my degree yet. For me, i felt ecstatic when i got my classification because that's what i was aiming for and it's been a while since i last achieved what i wanted. But i felt a bit disappointed that my mom doesn't understand the meaning of my degree. She's like one of my top motivations. I want to make her proud of me and at the moment, study is my only asset. Too bad i didn't succeed this time. Nevermind, i have lots of chances in the future.
Some people told me to do master but i don't think i want that. In fact, i never plan to do master right after my degree. Really don't think now is the right time. I want to work and earn money first. So next time, when i do go for my master study, i wouldn't have to worry too much about my pocket money. Now i've got a degree, it's time for me to share the family budget with my mom.
To be honest, my bank savings still enable me to survive until end of this year, provided i don't spend more than $200 out of it each month. Because i still get pocket money. But i still need a job urgently. It really makes me paranoid when i think of not receiving any income since our last allowance of May. I don't go really care-free when it comes to money. Plus, i love the feeling whenever i send out a job application. It's like, i'm doing something to get a job, instead of waiting for the chance to knock on my door.

Dear has started his second sem in qurtin. This time, we can only meet on weekends. It's a bit difficult for us now because in the past few weeks, we had been meeting quite often. So now we have to start again getting used to meeting less. But we should be grateful because we still get to chat or talk through the net every night. Wish saturday can come sooner.

Oh yeah, tomorrow i'm going to the BSP career day with mimi and ana. Hope i can get some useful information while we're there.

Hehe

Yea! Finally it's out, the classification! It's confirmed now that i've got second upper degree. When i first knew it from mimi, i re-confirmed again with ana, to make sure it's true. Yeah, i was expecting a second upper but it's like, when a dream does come true, it's so hard to believe.
I can't wait to share it with everyone in my family, though most of them don't know what's the difference between the different classes of degree.
There was a minute yesterday that i was thinking, if only i worked harder, i might be getting a first class now. Then, i told myself nevermind. Second upper is good enough. Hehe, till now, when i think about it, i still can't stop myself from saying 'Oh My God!'

We went for the buffet last night at the airport restaurant. We as in me, lizzy, mimi, lini and mama. We had a great time eating and laughing. The food was great, especially the fried noodles and the grilled lamb (pun sia sia). I can't remember when was the last time i ate till bloated like last night and laughed till my cheek muscles ache. It's so hard not to have fun with mimi and lini around. Something happened and.. well, i'll let lizzy blog about it. She can describe better than i can. It was such a wonderful night last night. Wish we could have more time like that.

I haven't blogged for quite some time. There are so many thoughts in my mind when i was not blogging. But now, erm, i can't name any.
Anyway, i need to stop now, time to cook for lunch. My mom's away again.

another super hot day

i'm back from singapore.. 2 weeks ago i guess. I keep losing track of time and date whenever i'm in holiday. Sometimes i need to think for a second about what day is today.

Anyway, my singapore trip was a bit hectic. didn't get to spend much time with lizzy as i expected. I stayed with my cousin on the first 2 nights. On the first night, we talked till 3am before we both fell asleep. On the next night, judy (my mom's friend) brought me to a pub. I saw Nicholas Tse's father there. He's thin and, a bit old (shhhh). I think the atmosphere of the pub was nice, you can relax and enjoy the live band performance there. A good way to ease the mind.
Things i remember most about my trip are the shopping and the food. It was like a shopping trip, instead of a vacation which i'd planned for. Judy was fast and unconsciously, i kept up with her pace. I love the fact that we had to walk a lot when we're in Singapore. It's so convenient there, everywhere is within walking distance and the bus fare is cheap.
And about the food, god, I wish i had at least a week there to try out all the food. I still miss the dried prawn noodles and super-crispy deep-fried chicken chop. But eating out in singpaore is expensive, i have to say. Standard of living is high and earning S$1000 plus a month means nothing. But i really like it there. Like i told my mom, if i still can't get a proper job by chinese new year next time, i'll consider searching for jobs in singapore.

Results are out and well, i did ok. I got grade C for the course that i expected would fail. Overall a B+. I know i could've done better but i got my stress took the better of me at that time. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I mean, a grade B used to be my goal every sem.
When i first saw the results of everyone, i felt a bit.. disappointed. I'm so used to be the top of the class, so it feels a bit suck for not having the best result. Don't worry, i've got over it now. I take that as the last lesson i learn from UBD.. not to think i'm always the best. Like the chinese saying, 'another sky beyond the sky'.

Looking around me, i think i have to start getting serious with my job hunt. These days i like to stay at home with my niece and nephew. They never fail to surprise me everyday with the things they know. It's an amazing feeling when my nephew says a new word which he had never said before. know what, he has now learnt to get angry. This morning he wanted to go with me to UBD. When me and my mom said no, he turned his back to us and put up a face. The funny part is, his sister urged me to go quickly. And when i went outside, wearing my shoes, i overheard my niece saying to my nephew, 'Di, yiyi zhou le' (Brother, aunt has left). Then i heard my nephew crying.
Hehe, there have been a few occasions where my niece and i have to sneak out. My nephew is too young to be brought along but he always wants to go out with us.

It's hot these days, even during the nights. With the hot weather outside and the air-con cool air here in the room, it's so perfect for an afternoon nap :p

This afternoon, me, mimi, lizzy and mama are going to hang out at my place. I can't wait for that.
And this morning when i was driving on the highway, i can't stop myself from looking forward to the day when i can give a few hundred dollars to my mom as home expenses.

Oh, people, if you guys haven't watched the movie 'Get Smart', you should go and watch. It's too hilariously funny to be missed.

Happy Father's Day

today is the father's day and i'm going bk udal tonight for celebration. It was my idea, so i have to be there. Have to sacrifice a bit of the time for dear. Actually we're supposed to bring my dad out for dinner this week. Unfortunately, i made a mistake for the date. I thought it's on next sunday and no one correct me. They all think i'm right and they're wronged.

Tomorrow i'm going singapore. Yea!!!!! Can't wait for it but at the same time, a bit nervous. The last time i went to Singapore is like erm.. 14 years ago. Oh my god!!! Hope i won't create any scene there.

This week i've been busy looking after my niece and nephew. I get hungry very fast when i'm with them. My mom went to KK the other day while my sis's mom-in-law went to miri. So i was alone with the kids. Hehe, feel a bit accomplished when i can bring the two kids out for grocery shopping.

I must mention some of the things that had happened this week:
I finally brought myself to email two teacher/lecturer and got their replies. That really made my day. I always make sure i don't forget those people who have helped me through the years and it feels great that i can keep in touch with them. And i realized it's not that difficult to take the first step.
My grandpa came all the way to place just to give me pocket money for my singapore's trip. i know i don't have to worry much about money if i want to go for vacation. But i didn't expect i'd receive help from so many people. What a lovely world i'm living in.

Dumpling festival

this year, i helped my grandma and aunt with the making of dumplings. They're making it for sale so i can't practise much with the wrapping. Anyway, i learned how to put in the ingredients the proper way so my aunt can wrap it easily. I never knew that making dumplings is that laborious. i think one whole afternoon of dumpling making is equivalent to jogging on treadmill at speed erm.. 5 or 5.5 for 30 minutes. I'm estimating it based on the amount of my sweats :p
but i didn't eat a lot of the dumplings. Because last week i had problem of indigestion, maybe due to too much heavy food.

for any of you who are taking meal replacement as a weight-loss tool, you can try mixing the meal replacement with yoghurt drink plus banana. I saw this on a magazine. Haven't tried it out though but it sounds delicious to me. Compare to other fruits, banana has more calories but many magazines i've read claimed that it's good for weight loss, as it is an effective solution to treat fluid retention. I never really understand the way they explain it in chinese. But i guess it's got to do with the high potassium content in banana. Too much salt will lead to fluid retention. With the high potassium from banana, i assume it will balance out the high sodium ions in our body and as a result, osmosis of the potassium/sodium pump at the cell membrane will work in a way that excess fluid will be excreted by the cells and flush out from our body through urine and sweats.
am i right?? Apart from the potassium, banana also has lots of fibre, which can help with the bowel.
Last week i bought a banana choco chip blizzard from DQ, the cashier asked me if i want extra banana, i was glad that he asked because it didn't occur to me that i can ask for more banana. Later i found out that there's no extra banana. Either my extra 50 cents got cheated or like dear said, he ate all the extra banana :(
I'm craving for banana now.

In case any of you is interested to know, fluid retention can be avoided by reducing salt intake and doing more physical activity, like walking. Brisking walking also facilitate the lymph flow in our body, which can aid detoxification of our body (according to one of the books i read).

Last two weeks, i came across a website (here if you can read chinese) that listed out the time of detox for various organs in our body:

21:00 - 22:00 >> lymphatic system

23:00 - 1:00 >> liver, can only take place in deep sleep (that's why we're advised to sleep before 11)

1:00 - 3:00 >> gall (if i translate it correctly; it's inside the liver. For me, gall is important for slimming down because it produces emzyme that emulsify fats so fats can be digested easily)

3:00 - 5:00 >> lungs

5:00 - 7:00 >> large intestine (the author said it's the best time to go to toilet. yeah right, as if everyone can control his/her bowel :p)

7:00 - 8:00 >> small intestine absorbing nutrients, so it's the perfect time for breakfast (my opinion: provided your breakfast is a healthy one, not things like maggie, nasi lemak, etc)

You see, people, sleep is very important to us. When we sleep, we're resting but our body is not. It has to work hard to flush out toxins in our system. So, don't you think you should love your body more?? It really gets on my nerve whenever i come across people who don't take their health seriously.

Last week i was quite busy. A relative of mine got married so 10 people came from Labuan to attend the wedding. 8 of them stayed over at my place and i had to sleep in my mom's room. i brought my pillow with me so yeah, i managed to sleep well. The labuan people (that's what we call them) went back yesterday and today my parents had gone to labuan.
My house has become quiet suddenly and i'm alone most of the time. So i spent a lot of time thinking, thinking and thinking. I found out that i made a mistake in my final year of uni. I gave up lots of things, like japanese courses, attending su yee's wedding, aerobics, caring for people i love and many more. I keep telling myself those things can wait, it's my final year so i must study hard, put all my attention on my study. Then i realized today, because of my decision, i lost quite a lot of things.
I lost my figure (gained a few kilos and i'm still struggling to lose them now), my health (especially mental), my time with family and dear, and most importantly, i lost some of the best part in me. I can't remember since how long ago, i studied because i want to get good grades. But before, i study because i love it. No wonder i didn't enjoy much for the last sem. I was too busy with getting high marks and missed out lots of fun. and last week, it suddenly occured to me that i've been concentrating on myself so much that i can't remember when was the last time i lend a hand to another person without any purpose. My god! I've become the type of people that i despise before. I can't believe that i become ignorant to others' needs just to please myself.

Ok, it may not be as serious as i think (let's hope it's not) but i have to stop being that way. Good thing is, i've stopped! Well, i have to, because even me start to feel disgusted at myself sometimes. I'd made my own life miserable by pushing myself too hard in my study, especially this year. When i no longer think that i should be the best, should get A, everything becomes so simple and easy. Life becomes so much enjoyable. So, actually all the criticisms i gave to myself for one whole year is just because i over-pressurized myself.
How silly i am! But i'm not too bad i guess, because i am alert to it. So not a big problem. I'm beginning to appreciate my life all over again. Perhaps, this time i'll see things more clearly and find some of the things which i'd missed out for a long time ^_^

Hoo~ a long post. Proved that i'm really free now, don't have anything to do, except blogging :p

holiday

yesterday i went to the job fair at ICC. Wow! it was crowded with people. With so many people around, i couldn't think of what questions to ask. Hmm.. something i need to overcome yeah.
But i still managed to ask few questions, got few flyers. Now i feel very grateful to UBD for wanting us to do major and minor at the same time. Because with my degree in biology, it's not easy to get a job in the private sectors. My minor chemistry has earned me more options, since chemistry seems like the science that is most preferred.

this week, i've been staying at home. Didn't go to any aerobic classes because need to look after my niece and nephew. I believe that at this stage, i'm not ready to be a mother yet. I don't have the patience.
for people like me, we believe that to have a family, to have kids, we need lots of money. Is that mean subconsciously, we're going to spoil our kids with all the good stuffs, making their life easy and smooth? Look at some people, they don't have lots of money and yet lead a happy life.
From what i see in my life, the more money you have, the more problems you'll come across. Unless, you're still the same person even though you've become richer. There are lots of people who have high salary every month and at the same time, have lots of debts to pay for. I hope i'll remain the same me next time, no matter how much i earn.

wow! in two weeks time, i'll be in singapore. can't wait for it. honestly, i feel bit frustrated when people give me some tasks during my trip. I have to bring cakes and keropok udang from brunei to singapore to pass to my cousin there, one of my cousins here asked me to buy a bottle of wine when i reach singapore as her gift to my mom's friend there, then one of my aunts told me to buy her camera battery and 'ba kua', my cousin there will ask me to bring her insurance fee back to brunei to her mom and another aunt of mine will ask her friend to pass me the medicine my aunt wants.
I'm not happy with all that. I know, all of them are simple tasks. But for me, i hardly go abroad. Finally i have a chance, all i want to do is relax and enjoy my trip. I only have 2 days there, strictly speaking. But with all those things i need to do, my mood of vacation is spoiled. If i don't have any tasks to do, i'd just have to go with the flow. But now, i have to plan my time, have to squeeze in time to meet my cousins and auntie there. I'd love to meet them but i was thinking, if i don't have the time, i can leave that out. Now, it becomes a must to meet them. and the thing is, i'm not going alone. haih.. hopefully i can find a way out so i can finish all the tasks and yet manage to enjoy myself there.
Maybe things aren't as bad as i think now. we'll see
I actually wish i had the gut to turn them down but, that's not good.
am i too.. erm.. selfish?

i'll try to find job related to my qualification. If i were to look for jobs that allow me to learn new things now, i have no idea which field i'd like to start with. It suddenly hits me that i chose biological science because i love to study biology at the first place. Sometimes looking back really helps me to make up my mind. Because i'll remember what was the primary reason behind and then i just have to keep to the track. No point making my life complicated by giving myself too many choices till i can't decide.

finally... how sad

today is the seminar for the bio department in ubd.. i'm quite satisfied with my performance.. it's like.. all the efforts i put in to prepare for this presentation is not wasted.. achieving what you want after hardwork is one of the most awesome feelings for me.. can't say i did very well.. but it's good enough.. i was so nervous before i went up there.. but when i was presenting.. i love the feeling..
it's really is a wonderful memory.. god knows when will be the next time when i can have a group of PhD holders listen to me talking, about MY study :p

after i finished my presentation.. i was in a celebrating mood.. but when the seminar was over in the late afternoon.. i began to feel a bit. sad.. this seminar is kind like.. the last thing of my programme.. time is passing by so fast.. i'm not ready to end my study life yet.. honestly, if i had a choice.. i'd like to go back to my secondary school.. and start all over again.. i'm so used to pampering by parents and teachers.. and the government of course.. so now, i have this fear to enter the world of adults.. to see the real world outside.. maybe it's not as depressing as i think..
it's just that.. i'm not ready to do something new and unfamiliar.. but i'll be alright.. i'm sure i can find a way to survive

last year when i went to labuan.. some of the aunties there seemed surprise that at my age, i hadn't started working nor got married.. but that time, i could still tell them i'm still studying.. but now.. i'm not even a student very soon
there's a saying in chinese that says 'pi ye den yu si ye'.. translating as graduated is equivalent to unemployed.. i hope i'm not one of the people that experience that..

but really.. i need to save up now.. since i'm going to singapore in june..
last two weeks.. one of the SHBIE students expressed in the newspaper about his/her request for extension of student allowances for the graduates until the graduate get a job..
well, i don't agree with that student.. so i'm a bit not pleased when that student considered what he /she said is the voice of final year UBDians..
yes, we'll get bit tight with money once the allowance stop.. but.. that is our own problem right? i feel bit guilty actually for still accepting the allowance, for not financially-independent at my age.
if other people can get a average-paying job with just 'O' Level or even PMB qualification, why can't i?
actually, i'm thinking about working as cashier or something that can expose me to different classes of people.. because at this stage, all i want is to explore what kind of job suits me or interests me.. but.. i can't just think of myself.. i have to take money into consideration.. i know most.. or maybe all, of my family members have high expectation of me..

relationship between people can be quite funny at time... sometimes what a person does is just be him/herself.. but everyone seems to dislike that person.. isn't that funny?
people always say 'be yourself'.. but from what i see is.. it's really hard to draw a line between that and self-centred.. just like.. i need to learn the difference between blunt and honest..

ok.. i'm a bit emotional tonight.. maybe i should just stop here..
lastly, i want to say that there are certain people that have influenced me a lot and i'd like to thank them.. in my way :p

exam's over

my mom's off to kuching again.. won't be back until sunday.. this time, my sis and her family are also going.. so.. i can't even bring my niece or nephew here to kill time during day time.. one thing i'm proud of my sis is.. she brings my mom almost everywhere she goes.. hong kong, singapore, KL and now kuching.. i hope next time i can afford that too

my exam finished on the day before yesterday.. my first and last exam..
have i ever said i don't mind to fail for once?? if yes, forgive me.. i was lying.. to people and to myself..
i didn't do well in my exam.. i can pinpoint so many mistakes.. and i got sooo worried.. i've never get so panic after an exam.. as my dear put it.. as if failing is the end of the day.. for me.. i don't know.. maybe i'm more worried about not getting A.. for the first time i made it very clear to myself that i want to get A..well~
no one believe that i'll fail.. and i let what people think about me influences me.. since.. erm.. no idea when do people start to see me as one of the top students in our group.. and slowly i begin to think so too.. i begin to think that i can't fail.. i can't have a grade lower than the class average.. grade B doesn't satisfy me anymore.. especially after i managed to get 2 A grades in my bio.. i'm becoming ambitious.. in a way that i stress myself out.. so now.. before i start preparing for the coming seminar.. i better learn to relax..

i'm reading a chinese book now.. talking about being perfect.. i have just started with it.. one of the chapters says don't expect to be a perfect employee when a fresh graduate just start working.. what the uni teach us is ways of thinking.. not skills in everyday work..
what the author said coincides with what one of the bio lecturers said to us before.. and i think that's so true.. because i really think i have a high chance of getting a job that is irrelevent to my degree..
some of us plan to continue with masters.. some will work as research assisstant for their supervisor first.. there's a master programme on biochemical stuffs.. nyrol suggested that i should take it.. because it's biochem..
i've made up my mind not to continue with further study first.. compare to study.. i'm more interested to work now.. can't wait to experience the real world.. i don't want to learn knowledge from books.. i want to learn from experience.. want to learn how to mingle with people.. to work as a team.. to survive in a workplace.. and to support my own life.. and possible, my family's life..
i think this year is going to be a transition period for me.. i can feel the change in me.. i'll survive, even if i'm not the fittest one..

this week it's sooooo hot.. it just makes me feel worse.. until this morning i was still brooding over the exam.. i'm very grateful that no matter where i go.. there's always someone i can count on.. really thanks tek ying for her comfort this morning.. what she said to me, i've told myself many times.. but i need another person to tell me.. to make sure i'm not being overconfident..
oh yeah the weather these days.. it's super hot.. i'm not the type of people who will lose appetite easily, even if i'm sad or angry.. but these days.. i don't feel like eating at all.. if i can.. i'd eat ice-cream for every meal.. i can still feel the heat early in the morning or late at night.. i just can't imagine if i were to lose the air con in my house now.. but this afternoon i resisted to turn on the air con.. because my maid didn't get to do her work inside an air con room ah.. so i feel guilty to enjoy the air con.. plus.. i'm responsible for the heat too... even without counting, i know that my carbon footprint is high.. as in very very high..

i've just finished reading another book.. it's about the first Lady Emperor of China 'Wu Je Tien'.. as a woman, she's so cruel.. but as a ruler of a kingdom, none of the men at that time could compete with her.. before this book.. i had read a book that summarize stories of 10 famous women in China history.. and i'm most fascinated by this lady emperor.. most historians criticized her a lot.. but her success in ruling and her wit are something they can't deny.. and the book i've just read about her is written by a lady author.. the author tried to point out other possible reasons for some of the evil things the emperor had done.. and i really think Yu Je Tien had fulfilled her wish.. her name is remembered till today.. i hope one day, i can travel to China and visit whatever history has left..

feet on the ground

my mom's back.. yea~ now i won't have to feel like i'm hanging in the air.. i tend to get stress out when my mom's not around.. feel like.. there are so many things to be taken care of.. would i miss out anything that's needed to be done??

lizzy... these days i've come across quite a lot of tv shows introducing about singapore.. hehe... now it's about all types of steamboats in singapore.. they even have a satay steamboat..yum yum

the sem is over soon.. now i only have more than half a thesis to do.. and an exam to sit for..
it's not good at all to have ample time to do an assignment.. i'll keep delaying it till the last few days.. what's more? my supervisor isn't the type that will keep pushing me to finish my work.. he's more relax than i am.. but the best thing about him is.. he always makes me think positively.. whenever i feel lost or inconfident.. it always helps after talking with him..

yesterday we had a test for development bio.. it's the first time in all my uni life that i got 100%.. but i don't feel accomplished.. because the test isn't difficult at all.. when the lecturer asked how come i can get everything correct.. what should i say? of course i can't say the questions are too simple.. especially when i'm the only one who got all correct.. i still prefer the MCQs we did for biochem tutorial.. those questions are more challenging and brain-cracking..

i have this habit of personify things.. like.. i talk to things like shoes, cars, pillow.. i really believe that my car will get tired after driving around for whole day.. so if i come back from school using my car.. i'll prefer to use another car to go out.. so my car can have a rest.. and i feel bad sometimes for not using some pairs of my shoes.. as if i have left them out.. i think the air con in my living room too shouldn't be turned on for 24 hours.. they need a break too.. as is the tv. and my laptop.. also the electric fans.. am i.. ok??

erm.. i think i look a little bit slimmer now.. hehe.. but my weight still stays the same.. it's ok.. as long as my clothes are now looser.. hehe..

when i think about it now.. it's as if i'm my brother's little sister.. i'm talking about ping.. actually fook too has matured a lot.. when i look at my two brothers now.. i feel like a mother looking at her sons.. but i'm not a good guardian.. there's a teacher-parents' day at muda hashim in 2 weeks time.. but i'm not going.. i still remember the first time i went to see his teacher last year.. i was preparing to go home after getting the report book.. but fook insisted me to see his teacher.. then i told him that i got no questions to ask.. eventually i still sat down and talked with his form teacher.. though i really had no idea what to ask.. so this year.. he too thinks i don't have to go.. it's on a friday morning.. that time is about the time i finish my exam.. i really prefer to sleep at home..
i'm a biology student.. going to be a degree holder in biology.. but my brother failed his bio :s
so if i go to see his teachers.. i'm sure his bio teacher will be waiting for me.. urgghh.. my mom never attended any of my teacher-parents' day.. so in my family.. we dont have the habit of going to the teachers and talk about our study.. if we fail.. my mom will only blame us for not studying hard.. and i'm so glad that my mom has never made any complaints to any school i had studied in.. i find that a bit.. embarassing (no offence, people).. if there's anything happen.. it's us students to be blamed.. so i think we're a bit traditional. in the old days.. the chinese people never think teachers or any scholar could be wronged.. these people are to be respected.. so till now, i still believe no matter how friendly a teacher is.. a teacher is still a teacher.. there are still things we shouldn't do as students.. so i really find it strange for the teachers these days.. i think some of them are too close with the students.. well, some may say that's the way it is if you want to teach today.. i think, if i ever become a teacher.. either i'll be a strict one.. or i'll need some time to adapt to the culture today.. when i compare the school life today and before.. it reminds me of evolution..

monday blue??

my mom should be on the plane now.. flying over to Hong Kong to meet my sis there.. just now i sent her and my aunt plus grandpa off at the airport.. on the way back.. i was hit by a sudden sadness.. but i wonder..
am i sad because i cant go with them or am i just missing my mom?
am i really missing my mom or i just don't want to be left at home and take care of everything?
haha! i hope next time i can afford to go abroad at least once every year..
anyway.. i'm going to singapore in june, yes~ i can't wait for it..

i have to finish my thesis by this week.. the deadline is next sunday.. but next week is a revision week, then my exam is on the following tuesday.. so i hope i can finish my thesis a week before the deadline.. it's difficult to pass this exam i think.. i have to study the parts i want to learn thoroughly.. gambate!
all the best to everyone who is sitting for exams now or soon..

i notice my mind is not longer on my study now.. i'm more concerned with what will i do after study.. and i'm also concerned about my skin.. at the moment, i'm still trying out new skincare products.. i was considering about Neutrogena.. but couldn't find the series i want.. so i give Loreal a try first... if i'm the one going hong kong.. i dont think i can resist the skincare products there..

i've been eating a lot.. i have to admit that, compare to others, i eat a lot in a single meal..
so i guess it's a good thing that i'm not that inactive.. but now i'm looking for ways to increase my metabolism rate.. any suggestion people??

hmm.. bit hungry now.. finally i've got the chance to eat instant noodles.. been targetting on mee goreng for quite a while :p

29/3/2008; living room

i met josh today... the first sentence we said when we first saw each other was 'hao jiu bu jien'.. we havent seen each other for such a long time.. josh is still as nice as he used to be.. because he told me i'm slimmer now :p

tomorrow i'm going to bukit sawat for the tomb sweeping festival.. it's still flooding there.. so we might have to walk a distance to reach my great-grandparents' tombs.. i'm glad i bought that pair of boots last year for the aquatic bio.. so we all have to wake up early tomorrow.. going to bk udal at 6..

feel bit tired lately.. my supervisor is still ill.. and the stained slides i've made aren't good enough.. he'll show me how to do it the proper way.. but i think i might try it again on my own on monday.. it's tiring to work in the lab for whole day.. though i might be just doing simple things.. maybe because i've been doing the same thing so.. yeah.. but i wouldn't mind doing this kind of things next time as my job.. just.. bit disappointed.. tikah has made beautiful slides.. but only some of my slides are good.. maybe that's the main reason that makes me feel worn-out...
*take a deep breath* i'll try it again on monday.. i can do it i'm sure.. i just need more practice.. ganbatte!

oh yeah! i've bought a new dvd player... so my pocket is a bit tight this week.. the old dvd player.. well.. it's terrible.. maybe we can send it back to the agent and ask them to repair.. replace some part or whatever.. the new one... hehe.. it's another thing that makes me proud.. when we got down from the car on that day.. the first thing i told my mom is.. i'll pay for it.. oh gosh! it is soooooo cool to pay for something like this.. it's like telling me.. i can help! i'm not totally hopeless.. i know my mom's been wanting to buy a new dvd player.. but she needs to keep the money for other purposes.. i feel great that i can help.. plus.. some to think of it.. i'm the one who use all these tv, dvd player in the living room..
my mom actually said we can buy a small one.. including a tv.. and put it in my room.. so i can watch movie in my room with my dear.. but i don't think i want it.. why bother to buy another set when i can have the big tv and new dvd player in the living room.. hehe i'm the owner of the living room most of the time.. plus.. my room doesn't have the space.. if it has.. i'll put all my books in my room.. i wish i could've a bigger room.. i need a bigger table, a bigger wardrobe.. and a big book shelf.. but i appreciate what i have now.. at least i got to have my own room.. that is good enough ;)

there's always not much to watch on tv on saturday night.. maybe it's only for me..
i'm watching Jolin's concert.. i love to watch concert dvds... especially those that include the backstage preparation for the concert.. when i watch jolin's and wilbet pan's concert dvds.. i always feel touched.. because they work really hard, even push themselves to the extreme, just to give their fans a wonderful show.. it's like telling me.. you can get what you want as long as you work hard enough.. and nothing comes free..
can't remember since when.. i start to believe that hardwork is the most important thing if i want success.. before this, i used to think for some people, things come easily.. but now i believe it's their effort that bring them the things they have..
so, if i put in effort.. i can lose the weights i want to lose.. i can make beautiful slides.. i can write good thesis (i hope so much).. i can pass my developmental bio.. all and all, if i put in effort..

maybe i should sing karaoke tonight.. release out all my stress...
sometimes i'm scared.. scared of i can't do well for my thesis.. scared that i'll screw up my seminar.. scared that what if i can't find a job after my seminar.. scared that i have too little knowldge.. but only sometimes.. most of the time i'm ok.. if i've done my work, i'll be fine.. if i don't do my work over the weekend.. then i'll feel scared again...

am i repeating things?? i tend to get a bit long-winded.. i don't talk much these days.. especially when i'm in school.. don't know what to say.. or rather.. don't know what can be said and what can't be said.. it's hard for me to understand people these days.. maybe i'm too naive.. or too weird.. or.. i'm just too narrow-minded.. whatever

first blog of 23

thanks people.. it always makes me smile whenever i got your birthday greetings..

you know what mama, with all those silly things you did, i'd love to have a teacher like you.. with you around, i'm sure the school time will be a lot more fun ;) hehe

last week..kind of hectic for me.. i was trying to finish all the permanent stained slides i need to do... so i spend most of the days in the lab, doing the staining.. not every outcome is satisfying so i ended up repeating a few times.. thought of showing them to my supervisor on monday.. but he wasn't there.. then today he's still sick.. poor old man.. hope he's getting better now.. i like him, he's one of the best lecturers i've ever come across.. so knowledgeable and helpful

this sem.. we have a new lecturer.. can't say he's not good.. maybe he's just not suitable to teach undergraduate.. perhaps he'll be an excellent supervisor for a PHD student..
for me.. it's hard to pass this course.. i was actually aiming to get an A at first.. but now.. i hope i can get at least a C.. this course is not easy.. and one of the lecturers is not easy to approach too..
but sometimes i wonder.. am i being biased or too intimidated by the bad impression i have of him?
maybe he's not that bad actually.. i don't know.. but i'm sure i need to find a way to approach him correctly.. i believe the department is willing to help us.. but they too have their responsibility and worry.. as a student.. there are lots of things i don't know..
it's likely that he'll teach us till the end of the course.. i don't think i can make myself to like him.. but it'll help me if i can stand neutral..
if i try to look on the good side.. things will become a lot simpler and easier.. i guess
i don't think i'm a good student.. because i get lazy most of the time.. so i think it's not right to point fingers at others when i myself can't do the same..

reminds of me a drawing i saw at ICC.. that drawing is fully of clowns laughing and pointing at another clown.. the artist is trying to convey the message that.. in our life.. we always laugh or blame others for their mistakes.. without realizing us too make the same mistakes... how true..

oh yeah.. last sunday we went to the wedding of anna's brother.. i bet all of us got sun-burned.. especially mama and lina.. poor girls.. they did the hardest job.. i stayed under the tent most of the time and yet, i was still reddish on monday morning.. but it's nice to see everyone there.. well almost everyone.. lizzy wasn't there :

last week.. the major reason why i was exhausted is my niece and nephew.. gosh! i wouldn't consider to be their nanny even if the monthly pay is B$500.. they can fight all the time..
whatever the sister has, the brother wants it too.. the sister won't give in to the brother, but she always show off to her brother what she has got.. so we tried to give one to each of them. and they still get into a fight!!! kids these days are just nightmares..
i know some people will relate young kids to angels.. but for me.. they're devil in disguise most of the time.. so naughty, so hard to control and yet, they'll make you love them so much..
it;s tiring to babysit them.. especially when two together.. but.. whenever i'm free.. i'll definitely bring them here.. like hitting my own toes with a stone right..
since now i complain so much about my niece and nephew.. i have no doubts next time my kids won't be any better too (if i change my mind and decide to have kids).. see? i never think it's a good idea to have smart kids.. what's with the DHA, SA, bla bla bla.. expensive milk powder to produce kids that drive the adults crazy

Happy Belated National Day

i think i need to give my country a little bit more love.. because i don't celebrate our National Day (would i get fined for saying so?)



my house doesnt have RTB channel.. but then.. even if we have that.. i don't think i'll wake up early and watch the celebration live on tv.. since i'm not keen in this.. i got a feeling next time if it happens that i work for the public sectors, i'd be chosen to participate..







towards the end of last year, there were lots of weddings.. at least, my family had received almost 10 invitation cards within a month.. but starting end of last month, we kept hearing people passed away.. at a rate of one person each week.. just last saturday, one of my friends' grandma passed away..







on the 9th day of the chinese new year, my ma kim left us and based on her religion, she has gone back to the side of her God.. i went to KK for the funeral.. she passed away on the same day (based on chinese calendar) as my grandma 10 years ago.. when she lay down in the coffin, she looked so peaceful, as if she's just sleeping.. i felt as if i could see her chest going up and down like she's breathing... and she'd open her eyes and wake up at any time.. telling us that she's not dead..



according to what my mom's said.. my ma kim passed away peacefully.. so i guess that's a good news in a way too..







erm... yesterday i went to ubd and stayed there from morning till late afternoon.. it's like the first time i do that in this sem.. feel a bit guilty.. but it's never too late to start... sometimes i think i'm an easy-to-please person, hehe i hope lah.. i spent a long day in ubd so i felt accomplished.. there are other occasions too but i can't think of any now :p







my dear has gone to miri for his study.. miss him.. but also feel happy for him.. i believe when you go to a different country or place.. experience another way of living, meet new people.. all of these open our eyes and broaden our view.. it'd also make us appreciate what we have now.. and more importantly, we'll become more mature and learn to see things differently..



i really believe by going to different places, i can improve myself.. both my knowldge and personality.. so next time when i have enough money.. i won't let go of any chances to travel around..



oh last weekend when we went shopping.. dear bought me a pillow.. i love it.. it feels nice to have something from him to accompany me when he's away.. he wants me to take good care of myself while he;s not here.. that's so sweet.. though i was thinking like... it's only miri..







oh yeah.. the pictures i took in KK.. not sure if it works.. the first time i'm posting pictures here.. feel bit shy eh :p

Mount Kinabalu (hiding behind te heavy fog):

this pic taken while we stopped half way.. some people went to the washroom.. so i quickly took few pictures of the foggy environment.. (so sakai :p)

Me standing on the middle of a road..that is the way going up to where people start climbing the mountain

Me, my cousin qiang, and my two brothers fook and ping
a view from the window of a cafe.. we had our breakfast there.. the mee hoon soup was nice..almost like soto

The first picture i took that morning actually..with Mount Kinabalu (look through the fog) behind me

That's it.. not a lot.. there are some in fook's handphone.. maybe next time.. if i remember

I can't stop thinking about what i read in a novel last week.. if you think it's right, if you think it's worthed.. just do it, don't give yourself any chance to regret.. and don't care about what people would think..

this kind of things.. we can read it everywhere.. but.. not many of us can do that.. at least i cant.. though i find it very true.. so to all my girl friends.. the old ladies.. don't care too much what others say and think.. to me, you guys are the great, cool and super nice people.. love you guys

Gong Xi Fa Chai

heppy chinese new year to all..
for the first time in so many years.. i was on vacation during the first few days of chnese new year..
too bad my makim wasn't there in KK.. she's still sick and hospitalized in singapore.. i really hope she's getting well and will be back in KK soon.. her spleen is swollen and her blood platelets is 100 counts lower than normal.. i'm worried about her.. she's old so the treatment must be more harsh on her than on a young people.. too bad.. next time when she's back in KK.. i won't be able to visit her.. because my mom has already planned to go.. so i have to stay back here for the house and my brother..

talking about my trip this time.. it was fun and cool.. we didn't do any shopping.. not the right time and didn't have the chance.. other than visiting relatives and eating.. my cousin there brought us around.. i went to the Lok Kawi Wildlife National Park... my first time seeing a real proboscis monkey, tiger, cobra, python right in front of me.. there were also hornbills, orangutan, rhino, elephants, a we-think-drunken sunbear and COW~ the cow is the only animal i took picture with.. my brother ping said that's boring to see.. because we get to see them on the road whenever travel to any remote areas.. then i told him to respect me and my 'friend'...
i also saw lengur.. there were a few animals but we didn't get to see their face.. like the rhino only showed us his butt.. the slow loris was sleeping.. one particular cute scene is when i saw how the civet hang itself on the branch while sleeping.. and then the alpha-male of the proboscis monkeys mated with one of his females right in front of us.. i can see everyone was erm.. i don't know whether they're shocked or excited..
then on the third day of the chinese new year.. we went to the Mount Kinabalu and reached up to the Hotsprings area.. will post some pictures here next time.. we had a quick glance at the top of the Mount Kinabalu... according to my cousin, there's a spot where we can see the whole mountain right in front of our eyes early in the morning, before the fog becomes thick... but that day is not our day perhaps.. it was raining.. so the fog started earlier than normal.. nonetheless.. i saw it eventually.. when the sun is high in the sky..
the best part of the trip was my first experience on canopy walk.. it was great! i love the trail.. before that, i never knew i enjoyed hiking.. maybe because of the atmosphere there.. it was cold.. so no mosquitoes and any irritating flies..
the only thing that spoiled the fun is my footwear.. i'm so proud of myself for completing the 900m plus forest trail with my high-heeled boots... i walked on the canopy walk with high heels.. what an experience.. i didn't expect any trail walking.. so i didn't bring my sport shoes.. i didn't know there's a canopy walk there.. if only i had my sport shoes with me, i would have continue further in to see the waterfall and the bat cave.. but then.. everyone else was tired.. i guess i'm the only one within the group who likes the forest, the canopy walk and to see the animals in the zoo..
it feels so great to be so near to nature and learn about it.. i really want to go back there again to try the canopy walk.. to see the waterfall, the bat cave.. and hike there.. it's the perfect surrounding for hiking... the air is fresh, the breeze is awakening.. the view is excellent...
i can't wait to go hiking again.. but too bad.. i'm not allowed to hike alone.. maybe i should one day try to go to the Berakas, or Sungai Liang, Recreational Park.. my mom won't allow me to go there alone.. i'll need to find companion..
honestly.. sometimes it's great to do something alone.. so i can really concentrate.. or just clear my mind up.. leaving everything behind and have a break..

now im back at my place in brunei.. i felt sooo tired.. i slept immediately the moment i arrived.. after not having enough sleep since last week for the new year preparation.. and only 3 to 4 hours sleep every night in KK.. i certainly need to pick up on my sleep... and exercise.. i must have gained weights... there's never any moment we feel hungry when we're there... thanks to my dad and my enthusiastic relatives.. i feel like to starve myself for a few days so my body can complete digesting and processing all the food i've eaten..

i miss dear.. he's gone back to sibu for the chinese new year..it's been a few days since we last met.. miss him eh..