passing time..

apart from the fact that i'm alone at home most of the time, i'm quite enjoying my 'home-alone' time.. like.. wake up in the morning, breakfast.. watch my favourite tv show, prepare lunch.. lunch... sometimes bring my niece here.. sometimes go to ubd for my project.. then come home.. do some exercise..prepare for dinner.. wait for my cousin to reach home...dinner.. then tv time.. or spend time with dear when he's coming over.. honestly.. i like my life to be this way.. like i work on some of the days... then stay at home for the rest of the week.. what i like most is.. cracking my head for what to cook..

today i look ugly... with my hair flat and slightly oily... an it stinks.. at least for me... *sniff *sniff.. tomorrow i need to go to school.. oh gosh! thank god i have a nice-looking cap.. hope my face won't appear too big :p

these days i saw quite a lot of big lovely insects.. but i don't longer need to collect insects.. everytime when i see an insect flying near me.. i'll keep imagine that they're coming to take revenge on me.. for the sake of all their families or friends that had been killed by me..

the supplementery list is out... since a few days ago... one thing for sure is.. i passed my biochem.. hopefully i can get at least B.. actually i hope i can get A for all my courses.. but.. erm.. how to say it.. it's like.. very look forward to it but at the same time, afraid to be disappointed..
i notice i'm often end up in a dilemma.. is that how life supposed to be?? or maybe it's only my life??
in our culture here.. almost no one will dare to say yes, i'm going to get an A for the subject.. people tend to be humble.. in my case.. most of the time, i'm just trying to play safe.. sometimes will worry what if i say that and then i didn't end up with an A?? that will be embarassing.. these days... when i think about that.. i'll try to convince myself that it's nothing to be embarrassed about.. so now, although i still won't say i can get A.. at least i'll admit that i don't think i'd fail..
i don't like to be the odd one.. but.. sometimes, in some circumstances.. i just can't avoid that.. but then, if that happen, most of the time i'll keep my opinions to myself.. just to make myself to fit in.. ok.. i know i shouldn't do that.. i should be proud of myself.. but sometimes i'm really confused.. should i have faith in myself and insist on what i think? or should i accept others' thoughts? how to know if i'm not wronged? where to draw the line between self-confident and self-centred?

i envy those old people who have been through many stages of life.. that's why i like listening to old people talking about their life histories.. for me, lives of these ordinary people are much more interesting than reading history of those great leaders or heroes.. sometimes i wish i could experience life in the past.. for sure the air would be 'sweeter'.. i always think if i live in the past.. at least a few decades ago.. i wouldn't have to worry about body weights.. maybe i wouldn't have the chance to study... but perhaps i'd have learn more skills at my age now.. or maybe have a family of my own.. i'd be more capable than i am now..
really.. i think, up to now, the only thing i can do well is study... whenever people see me, they'll ask me questions like not going to school today (even on a friday) or how is my study.. it's always related to study... is it that obvious that i'm still a student?? or i have a face that looks like a book? please, don't tell me i look like a nerd.. maybe it's something to do with my temperament..
next year.. i'm going to be a better person.. like i said, i'll try to have a bigger heart.. so i'll be more patient.. and more sympathetic.. more considerate.. more good-tempered.. these days i have very tiny heart.. so i think my view also become smaller.. and as a result, my mind has become narrower.. tsk tsk tsk
nevermind.. i'll improve myself next year.. so i'll be a more capable person..
obviously, i'm in a good mood tonight ^_^

Christmas.. HoHoHo~

i'm just back from saloon.. so my hair is flat and straight now.. been wanting to straighten it since last month.. and finally.. on the last week oh 2007, i did it.. felt a bit sleepy when i sat there waiting for my hair/scalp to 'eat' the treatment cream...

still miss my mom badly.. my ta ti is coming back today... just haven't arrived yet.. tomorrow fook will be back.. but he'll probably go to KB.. bad brothers.. don't miss me at all..

i ate till bloated last night... for this year CHristmas' Eve.. i cooked spaghetti and made vegies salad for me and dear... it's almost spaghetti plus cake every year.. maybe i should try something else next year.. then.. i'm thinking to have steamboat on New Year's eve.. my mom will be back by that time.. oh yea~ ^^

my project isnt going smooth.. now we're tryin new method.. hope it works..
a part of me can't wait to finish studying and start working.. more specifically, earn money.. but the other part of me feel a bit sad to leave life as student behind me.. how i wish i could skip working and come to retired life immediately.. i'm lazy.. and a little bit naive sometimes..

lots of things on my mind.. but then.. need a long time to put those into words but it's time to prepare dinner now... next time..

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

i think i'm useless.. because every time when my mom's away for vacation, i'll have the urge to cry.. especially when i'm left alone at home.. haih... my mom's in the air now, on her way to China, my two brothers are in KK now.. once again, i'm left behind at home.. as for my sis, she rarely comes whenever my mom's not around.. so yeah.. basically i'm all alone... and honestly speaking, i don't like to be alone..
with many people, i'm quiet.. and most of the time, i prefer a quiet environment... but i really really really don't like to be at home alone.. especially during night time.. haih... but this always happens..
but.. i guess there's nothin i can do.. if i'm the one going for vacation, for sure i'll have to get some money from my mom.. which i don't want.. then.. whenever my mom's not around, i'll feel like i have the responsibility to look after the house.. i'm the second lady owner of this house :p
and one day, i'll be the one to support the living.. ganbatte!

these days the weather is not so stable.. it can be boiling hot during the day and then heavy rain towards night time.. perfect time to fall sick.. so people, watch out.. especially now it's the time to celebrate christmas and new year.. all the food for celebration are not that healthy..

i wish i could go for vacation.. *sniff *sniff
wish to try new things, meet new people and eat something i've never eaten before.. not the exotic type though.. wish to eat japanese food in japan.. eat kimchi and barbeque meat in korea.. eat roti canai in India.. and eat penag fried kueh tiaw in Penang..
pun sia sia... i better stop.. or else i'll never lose the weights i want to get rid of..

i don't want to talk much about my 2007.. because there are lots of fluctuations.. important thing is.. i want to have a bigger heart.. it's hard not to repeat the same mistakes.. but i'll make sure i learn the best out of each.. after all, i'm getting 23 next year.. so.. quite a lot of things about my personality are more or less fixed..

i'm like a bit old-fashioned.. i don't like to keep in touch using internet.. i prefer talking on phone.. or meeting face to face... i don't like using car.. if can, i'll walk.. and i don't like air-con.. i don't care how many functions my mobile phone has.. for me, mobile phone is a phone, something for me to call, sms.. sometimes taking pictures.. computer for me, is something useful.. but i don't like using it.. unless i needed to... i don't like cafe... i prefer coffee shops.. don't like 5-star restaurants because i think small foodstalls have something more delicious.. maybe i'm just too practical.. till people find me boring..

another shopping day

today i joined my mom and sis going around.. wow! i overspent i guess... i'm so into sport attire now.. and i'm so in love with the pair of sport shoes i bought.. almost everything in the department stores are having discount.. and i saw one nike yoga mat.. it's much thicker than mine.. hmm... i'll just hold it back now.. and buy it if i can proceed to flow yoga..

i must must must must control my appetite.. i notice i eat more rice now.. oh gosh..

we bought a treadmill today.. i wanted to share the payment with my mom but she refused to let me do that.. haih.. i feel restricted when it comes to money.. can't wait to start earning money..
thinking to find a part time job next year..
tomorrow i'll start growing my spores.. don't like the feeling of hanging in the air..

last night i went to watch I Am Legend.. for me, it's scary and at the same time, sympathetic..

recently.. i have the urge to speak out.. maybe i've been quiet for too long.. feel like i'm full of things to say.. but hmm.. don't know.. nevermind..
have a 'i'm-an-outsider' feeling..

so nice eh mimi, anna and mama went to gym together.. i'm always trying to find an exercise buddy.. but. people around me just don't seem that interested in sports.. next time can i join you guys?? i know anna and mama are going jpmc again tomorrow.. but i need to do my project.. i'll be going on sunday morning though for my yoga class.. have to wait for next time oh -_-

my holiday..

today i went to miri with my mom.. just the two of us...
my mom once joked before that to some old people in labuan, i'm probably a lazy or useless person.. i'm already 22, not working, not marrying, not having kids and still dependent on my parents.. and recently.. i notice that despite i've got my driving license for a few years.. whenever i go out with my mom or sis, it's very rarely that i'm the one who drive.. hmm.. my mom has been driving us around for so many years.. by right i should be the one driving right.. but.. i don't like driving.. and aint good at it... plus... i have weak sense of direction.. especially on the road.. sometimes i wish ubd would provide transport services.. i don't mind walking to my house simpang to wait for the bus to come.. i remember when i was young, i wished that we could go to school by bus.. that's where couples meet on tv :p so whenever i went to labuan, i'd follow my uncle (he's a school bus driver) around.. too bad, sometimes he just couldn't bring me along because i was too big

back to my miri trip today... now my mind is soo focused on learning yoga.. i bought 2 t-shirts and 1 long sport pants.. suitable for doing yoga.. then one book on basic yoga, 2 magazines.. oh yeah, people, if you have cosway member, or if you're thinking to buy good bra, try cosway bra.. it's on offer now 3 for RM142.. it's good.. it can boost your bustline, correct your posture too.. for those of you who are 'big'.. the bra has good supportive effect too..

i tried the yoga class at jpmc yesterday morning.. now my turn to have sore muscles.. especially my upper arms.. but i really love the class.. for me, the best part of it is.. we're doing the yoga outside the aerobic room, facing the sea.. at the end of the class.. i felt really calm and relax.. will have 'i want to come again'-type of feeling.. unlike the yoga classes i did at another fitness centre, everytime i finished one class, would think like 'god, do i have to come again?'... of course the answer is yes.. because i've paid for 8 classes.. and i only did 3 so far.. too impulsive during the first class.. so i have to go there to finish up the classes i've paid for.. too bad they don't have belly dance or pop dance classes now.. or else i can switch from yoga to dance classes..
but i think this week i can't go to that fitness centre.. my body hurts from the yoga class yesterday.. hehe.. but i really can't wait for the next class though..

tomorrow i have to go to ubd.. have to start my project as soon as possible.. sometimes i wish i can start it in january, because it's holiday time now.. but sometimes i'm a bit worried that i might start too late.. i'm always in dilemma.. like i thought of keeping a hand-written diary.. so i can just say what's on my mind.. but then.. some of the things, although may be unpleasant, i wish people to know..

these days i've been thinking what kind of job i want to apply for after i finshed my project.. mimi advised me before that i should send my CV out this month.. but.. i still haven't made up my mind.. honestly... most of the time, i'm thinking about non-biological jobs.. because i wish to do something different, learn new things, meet new people.. in one of the tv shows i've watched, the guest advised young people these days should give themselves more options.. do something that requires energy or more laborious.. so we can learn more.. if after graduation, we just do something simple, or something that we only have to sit in the office and do basic paperworks... we're going to miss out lots of chances and experiences.. and probably end up with the same thing 10 years later.. there are lots of things i wish to learn.. accounting, tailoring, dancing and maybe learn more about computers.. i thought of writing too.. and i'm looking for jobs which will allow me to keep going around among places.. when i think of office work, and every day wear formal dresses, sit in front of the computer or tables... hooo... i prefer wearing t-shirts and jeans, no high heels, no air-con and going from place to place..
i know i should make up my mind... i should be clear with what i want to do next time.. but.. is it my go-with-the-flow character or pure laziness.. i don't really have any idea.. one thing for sure is, i don't plan to be someone big... i hope i can just have an ordinary life.. simple and healthy.. not too rich.. because money always brings worries..

yea~ i'm done with my exams... finished it on monday... that is day before yesterday.. then i went out with dear on that night.. because we both have finished our exams..
i must say.. Gelato ice cream is nice.. the best thing about it is.. it's claimed to be 65% less fat than normal ice-cream.. suit me so well.. hehe.. but true.. the ice-cream is nice..
we watched the movie Enchanted.. that movie makes me want to be a princess.. and it seems like telling us.. life doesn't have to be complicated.. hope is everywhere in life..

erm.. when think of the exam..very different experience this time... i didn't study as hard as the previous sems.. but then... the papers are all ok... yeah.. i might have studied or spent too much on study for the whole sem.. so towards the exam time... i feel bit reluctant to study... but.. maybe because i've paid attention during lectures.. revision was quite smooth.. none of the things seemed new to me.. except for some in biochem... that's the most difficult exam..

a lot of things to say.. but.. not the right time.. have to babysit my nephew now... next time yeah..

happy belated raya to all my friends.. i have to apologize to whoever invited me to their open house.. normally i look forward to open house.. because of the food of course.. but this year.. i'm just not in the mood.. sorry guys.. i just don't have the celebrating mood whenever i think of the assignments or works i need to finish..

there had been times when i had the urge to write something here.. but.. when all i can think of is the negative feelings.. i just forget about it.. no point writing something down when it's better to be forgotten.. but i probably will write them down now :p

life has been quite stressful.. it's more than i can bear sometimes.. i cried a few times.. got sick a few times.. i become very quiet and tend to stay away from crowd.. even friends.. there was a few occassions when i thought of skipping class.. if only i were a little bit more impulsive at those time.. i always thought that i can adapt well to stress.. but this time.. i'm defeated.. it's not too bad after all.. when i become quiet.. i become sensitive to how my body behave or react.. sensitive to my surroundings... things that i'd always overlooked become clear.. a lot of the time..i'm like.. in a state of self-explore.. like i notice i get tired very easily these days... last month.. my head, or maybe my scalp.. will get very tight whenever i'm concentrating on thinking something.. that's when i know i had to relax.. i did try to rest.. did give myself a day break during holidays like hari raya.. but i only end up feeling guilty for delaying my work... and i can't sleep well at night unless i finish my work.. when i go to bed without my work done, i'll keep waking up in the middle of the night.. so my sleep quality is poor..

i have to say.. i'm very grateful to my supervisor.. because he allows me to start my project in december, after the final exam.. and so far.. my performance in study is fairly ok... sometimes i don't know what is it that i'm insisting for.. all my friends don't hand in their work on time... but i stayed up late at night just to finish my report..
honestly.. although sometimes i have doubts.. most of the time i'm proud of myself.. maybe it's a bit silly to be proud of something as basic as handing in work on time.. but when i think of not everyone in the class manage to do that.. it becomes something extraordinary.. for me, handing in on time is also part of the assignment.. if i fail to do that.. it's just like i don't finish my work..

i need to learn to reject request in a beautiful way... i really wish to say no whenever people want to photocopy my notes and reports.. i finish early not to let them photocopying.. but i don't know how to turn them down.. and because there's a first time.. they expect that i won't mind in the future too.. but i mind a lot.. i don't like the idea when people just get a copy of my work.. and worse... sometimes i only know that they've taken my stuffs after they return to me, after they had finished photocopying.. seems like they think it's ok to just take my things out of my file when i'm not around
maybe for them it's not a big deal to share... but for me.. it is.. and it become even bigger when they take it without my permission..
i'm a conservative student i guess... i believe that everyone should do her own assignment.. make her own notes.. and it's only fair to photocopy someone else's work after the work is marked and returned.. not before deadlines.. and it's not right to photocopy a friend's notes just because you skip most classes or you're lazy to tidy up your own notes.. maybe i'm too stingy or selfish... but i really don't like it.. i don't mind if it's just once or twice.. but when it's a lot of times.. or when it's not just one topic but everything from the beginning of the sem.. it's become annoying..
but i know... if i don't like it.. i should've turned them down right at the beginning.. now it's a bit too late.. haih... i hope one day i have the gut to tell them right to their faces that i don't want to lend them anything.. that they should do their own work..
maybe i should throw tantrums at them.. or scold them badly.. or at least show to them i'm not happy.. but when it comes to people or things i don't like.. i usually just walk away.. and try to avoid the next time... but the next time always happen... :s

i like to read lizzy's blog.. because it's always cheerful... and it really comforts me to know at least one of us is having a nice time.. i don't know if lizzy purposely neglect her negative feelings from her blog.. but.. i really think Calgary suits her very well... she seems a lot happier when she's there.. keep it up yeah..

i complained a lot just now... but still.. i'm happy with my life... although study often stress me out.. i still love what i'm doing now.. this sem.. i experience quite a lot of new things... just this monday, we went out to Pelong Rocks.. one of the offshore coral reefs of brunei... it was windy and the sea was rough.. but we all had a nice time drifting on the sea surface... that was my first time floating on the sea water... i know sea water is salty... but i only know how salty is it when i was in the water.. of course.. the price to pay is... i got sea sick for whole day.. and skin allergy the next day.. this is the second time i got skin allargy for my study.. the first time happened last month.. when i went to the back of my grandparents' place to catch insects.. i thought it was ok since it's just a grassland.. i was too confident with my skin... until now there are still scars on my legs.. but i'm kind of weird.. i don't mind to get scratches or wounds during field work.. instead.. i feel kind of accomplished... hehe.. :p

nxt monday we're going out to the sea again if not mistaken.. this time i must get ready with seasick pills.. apart from sea sick... the trip is exciting.. then because i've finished all the works that need to be handed in before and this week... i can set myself free today.. maybe just do some easy readings later at night..

oh yeah i stop my yoga class... the schedule doesn't match with mine.. then... maybe i just save my money first.. so next time i can sign up for dance classes.. now i'd like to thank the government for stopping my allowance for 3 or 4 months last time.. because of that, i spend more wisely now.. and very naturally i don't have the desire to go for things which i've spent my money on last time.. like body massage.. foot spa.. shopping trips... oh i still love shopping of course.. just.. i have more interest to save... so next time i can go for vacation.. i want to visit my relative in KK if got chance... she always reminds me of my grandma who has passed away..
then i want to go labuan to visit my cousin.. she's getting marry next month.. quite a number of family members or relatives who are near to my age are married now.. but look at me.. i'm just about to start working.. it's like my life is just about to begin but people around me have settled down.. hm.. i'm almost always the one left behind.. people may say that's because i study well.. hm.. i think the most expensive part of me will be my brain... if not because i have that little bit more of interest in study.. i probably will be working by now.. struggling with financial problem maybe.. some of my friends are thinking about doing master.. but i think.. i might have to stop after degree.. get a job first.. so i can share the family budget with my mom.. and if can.. let my mom retire as soon as possible.. that's my first goal now..

i like helping people around.. but.. maybe i've always approached people the wrong way... every time.. i'll end up feeling being taken advantage of.. i don't mind to help you as much as i can... but the thing is.. show to me that you worth my effort.. i respect people.. and never think i'm any smarter than anyone.. and i really don't like it when i have to give away stuffs which i have spent hourssss figuring out.. without any good reason.. i believe everyone has to do their own work... it's not right to just copy someone else's work.. even if that work is just a piece of cake for that someone..
i'm losing patience.. and i'm worried that one day.. i'll deliberately hurt someone's feeling.. i guess from now on... i should know where to draw the line.. i don't need the whole world to be on my side.. as long as i know there are few people out there who understand me.. and i notice that for quite a few times.. i dont mind to play the 'bad guy'.. just to stop any more trouble coming up later.. as long as i know what i'm doing right... but i know sometimes it's not the case.. because i'm not living alone in this world.. whatever i do.. someone else will get involved..

mid-semester break has started.. good news is.. my allowance is out.. hmm... and i've learnt to think twice before spending money... though i really wish to shop till i broke hehe.. just a thought..

i'm becoming cruel.. don't feel that guilty anymore when i kill an insect.. but i still don't think i can catch up to 200 insects.. if killing insects will make me go to hell next time.. i'm going to meet lots of friends there (all from biological science :p)

i miss lee shi.. miss mimi.. miss mama.. miss the time we hang out.. lee shi.. can you fly back here on this friday to have sungkai buffet with us??
i love you guys.. we never take advantage of each other.. maybe i do unconsciously.. but it feels so much more comfortable with you guys.. i can just do whatever i want.. crack stupid jokes.. say something rude.. eat like there's no weight problem..

i'm glad that the break is here.. because i think i seriously need one.. i'm getting blur these days.. like i've been doing so many things but i can't keep track most of the time..
so since i'm having break now.. i want to do something i haven't been doing for a while.. the first thing is.. i'm going to bk udal tomorrow.. to visit my grandparents.. and i want to sleep early at night.. so i have more energy for the next day during day time.. i really don't like to sleep away my afternoon.. but i'll get headache if i force myself to stay awake when i'm sleepy.. im getting old..

anyway.. feel relieved to throw out some rubbish here :p
thanks for your advice this morning mimi.. hopefully i didn't disturb your sleep... *hugs*
i like going to mimi for advice.. don't know why.. maybe she's one of the wisest people around me.. come to think of it.. i'm the one who get myself into the trouble.. i should've figured out right or wrong at the beginning.. instead of help and then complain...

Happy Mooncake Festival people...

fifth week coming.. in two weeks time we'll have a test for biochemistry..
we only have 3 courses this sem..i mean me.. but i know i can't relax.. none of it is easy.. but i'm having a nice time studying.. i only have this sem left..

i've joined the yoga club.. and i really look forward to the class every week.. i think i'll continue to learn yoga even after ubd.. these days i'm also interested to learn bellydance.. but.. yoga first lah.. i still haven't got my allowance.. so every week i'm depending on my pocket money from my mom.. surviving but.. i have a long list of to-buy.. and except for my weekly pocket money.. i'm too proud to ask for more from my mom.. i feel kinda bad enough that i still get pocket money from her.. at my age.. i should be financially independent.. and i really mind about this.. i wish i can take care of my mom as soon as possible..

the new hua ho in tutong has opened about a month ago... for the first two weeks, it was full almost every day... so now i prefer to go skh or soon lee.. because less crowded..

it's raining now.. these days the weather is very unpredictable.. theoretically, now is the transition period between north-east and south-west monsoon.. it's so hot when the sun is there.. and i don't like it when it rains.. because my fingers and toes tend to get cold very easily on a cold weather.. or in cold surrounding..
actually i've found a way to prevent that.. by having hot water bath.. i'm so into hot water bubble bath now.. but i limit myself to 2 times a week..because i still feel guilty for taking a bath and not shower... that's so environmental unfriendly.. for my family.. they think i'm insane to try to save water and electricity.. because since my dad will pay for it.. i don't know how to explain to them that i'm not saving money.. it's the resources that i'm trying to save..

i haven't started my final year project.. i want to read through all info i can get about it before i start.. but i know i can't delay too much.. my plan is i'll start in week 6 or week 7.. will start by identifying and collecting the fern species.. and this sem we have a mini project of entomology on collecting insects.. i feel very reluctant to do this porject.. because everytime when i catch an insect.. it means i have to kill them.. i feel so sinful.. the lecturer wants us to catch 200 insects each person.. and i'm considering handing in a lot less than that.. i only have less than 20 now..
if everyone of us get 200.. and this happens once a year.. what will happen to the insect population here? we're not given guidelines on which insect is safe to catch and which is not.. which is an endangered species and should be avoided.. what techniques we should use to catch any particular insects.. we're not instructed.. the technician said we have the apparatus.. but no one has taught us how to use it.. hmm.. maybe this is the kind of uni course in oversea universities.. it's not the kind of things i like to do.. so i have to keep forcing myself to catch and kill.. i'm soo guilty to the insects..

lee shi.. hope you're feeling better now.. i love you.. we all love you here.. :)

the new sem...

these days i love to stay back at school.. probably because this is my final year.. when i walked around the campus on the first day, i kept thinking about where will i be this time next year..
Because i'm in the final year now.. i begin to worry what class of degree will i get.. will i be able to get a job after graduation.. should i proceed to master...
sometimes i'll tell myself that i want to do masters.. but at times when i see my mom struggling to make ends meet regarding family expenses.. i'll think i should start working as soon as possible.. except for those friends i know from school.. all my relatives and close family members, including my brother who is younger than me, have started working at my age..
i feel grateful to be free of financial stress at this stage.. but at the same time, i feel embarassed to be still dependent on my mom and the government.. i never realized my dependency on the monthly allowance until now, when i don't get my allowance for 2 months..

i haven't started on my project yet.. so far, all the lecturers seem very kind and approachable.. most of them advised us to work hard for those tough courses right on the first lecture.. which stress me out a bit.. but i appreciate their advises.. our batch seem to break quite a few records about having supp exams or repeaters..
honestly.. i feel a bit.. reluctant to end my life as a student.. feel a bit lost about the future..
nonetheless.. i know for this sem, i should really study hard and enjoy it.. since this is the final year..

the weather is extremely hot these days.. heard tek ying mentioned that the highest temperaure of the day can sometimes reach up to 34 degree C... when it gets hotter, people start to rely more on air-con and which will make the weather even hotter.. a positive feedback mechanism.. i sweat just by standing on a shady area outside..

good thing is.. i stop gaining weights.. lost a bit actually..hehe..

saw mama the other day... we don't share any more classes this sem.. miss mimi and lizzy.. hope they're having fun at where they are..

i know sometimes i'm bad.. makes me wonder is this character in my genes.. but i'm sure i can do something about it to make me a better person...

lizzy's gone back to calgary.. i'm missing her already today... then i realized no matter how many times she comes back and leaves.. i'll still have that urge to cry when she's leaving.. so it's a wise decision that i'll only send her off at the airport on the first time.. crying at public places is something i don't like to do..

i'm a very very lazy person.. i like to swim.. wish to learn dancing and yoga.. but.. everytime i'll tell myself and others that i need to o all the way to bandar to learn those.. the nearest place will be jpmc i think.. so i'll leave it till i work in bandar.. by that time i'd have no financial problem regarding those.. come to think of it.. maybe i'm just lazy... with the monthly allowance i'm getting.. i should have enough money to pay for those.. i just.. don't like to drive.. perhaps the first thing i should do is hire a driver :p

i just came back from miri yesterday...spent quite a lot on books and magazines.. felt very excited the moment i found out that i can buy those books from taiwan at Popular bookstore in miri.. bought 2 books about beauty and keeping fit.. then magazines.. oh i love the free bag that comes with the FEMALE this month.. it's soo lovely... can't wait to use it.. too bad it's not big enough to be my school bag.. i usually bring quite a lot of stuffs to school.. so i need a big bag... besides, i've got a new school bag.. bought it together with nining.. we're going to use the same school bags..

reading those two books i bought really inspired me a lot.. it suddenly became clear to me that i should work on my mind first before i try all means to lose weight.. another thing i learnt is.. no matter how much fatter i've become.. i should never stop to dress up.. never give up on keeping a good look.. confidence seems to be the key factor in deciding whether the person can win or lose the battle with weights.. what i love about the books is.. they teach us to do little change in our life that can bring a huge benefits in long term..
for the last few weeks.. there will be days when i got really depressed about my weight.. till i didn't even want to step out of my house.. from now on.. i'll try to get rid of those negative thoughts..

i think i should have a change about my attitude in life.. i need more tolerance with things or people i don't like.. need to be more tactful in talking.. i can have very bad manner at times... and lose patience easily... i think i should start to appreciate more the things i have.. and be more helpful.. less selfish.. more open-minded...

hm.. can't wait to go back to uni..

mama.. i've thought about closing the blog too.. long time ago.. ever since i realized i have more readers than i intended to have.. but don't think i'll really do that... maybe because this blog can more or less help me to keep in touch with you guys... we seldom meet now.. even if meet.. it's hard to have heart-to-heart talk.. and i'm not used to say things out easily now.. so... i'll just keep this blog...
but it's getting harder for me to blog... actually keeping a diary is good.. i can write it at any time, anywhere.. but to carry it with me wherever i go.. it's a bit risky..

handed in the tasek merimbun report yesterday.. feel relaxed.. feel like.. now i can really enjoy my holiday.. miss hanging out with my girlfriends too.. and i managed to meet nining during last week.. erm.. i'm not an initiative person.. so i'm really glad that most of my friends are :)

when i was doing my report... i told dear that i love doing research.. and write about it.. but in real life.. it's not easy.. i know... to do a research.. i need a fund.. and i probably have to do a lot of things.. going through lots of procedures to get the fund....and many other problems faced by a researcher which i can't think of now... but i really hope i can get a quiet job next time..

i'm getting broke these days.. overspent.. and the worst part of it is.. i couldn't keep track of where did i spend my money... except for the obvious one.. like my skin care products.. the catering in merimbun.. must be those small small stuffs that make me lose track..

and now.. i'm trying to lose weights... i've gained a few kilos during the last sem.. i know i shouldnt mind too much about the scale.. but now.. it's not longer just the scale.. i look bigger too now *sniff *sniff...
sometimes i think it's a bit amusing... back in my secondary years.. less than a decade ago.. i never bothered about my weight.. i was more anxious about getting indulgement in food i love.. but now.. i cried over the extra kiloes i gained.. or the 1 or 2 sizes i grow.. i'll get very depress about it... and lose motivation in everything.. thank god it only took one one day to recover.. maybe because i got the report to think about..
so for my mood's sake.. for my health's sake.. i mustn't gain any more weights.. i must lose some weights.. i'm not too ambitious i guess.. i just wish to stay below 60kg.. if i can accomplish that.. erm... hopefully by that time.. i can afford to buy that pair of heels i've been targetting since last 2 months..
reading those weight loss tips from experts becomes a comfort for me.. and i feel better when i make healthy choice about food.. hehe that's the reason why i choose escapade to lunch with lizzy and josh tomorrow.. josh is soooo busy... i wish he can reduce his workloads...

recently.. it's not very peaceful.. people lost at sea.. people passed away.. people got raped on highway... murdering... and this week.. even the weather isn't peaceful.. it can turn windy at any time... and everywhere people talk about global weather crisis.. this kind of things.. always make me feel unsecure.. and i tend to avoid reading about it.. which is not a good way to deal with it.. i can only force myself to be more updated about it..

i've come across a lot of people who think they don't lead a healthy life.. in terms of diet, workout and sleep.. it just occured to me today that since they've known it.. why are they still carrying on the same unhealthy lifestyle?? hmm.. it's not easy to understand people.. even those you're close with, sometimes...

i'm back from my field course in merimbun 2 or 3 days ago.. i rested on sunday then on monday, i went to miri and today i went to bunut hua ho.. spent almost $200!! but if you ask me.. i'd say i'm not regret... i spent it sensibly and reasonably.. i'm going to make regular exercise a routine for me.. so i'm allowed to invest a small fortune on good sport attires.. wearing the really good outfits motivates me more.. then i need the contact lens.. without them.. i don't even want to step out from my house.. then the adidas cap i bought today.. i've never had a proper cap.. also i just found that i'm not looking as bad as i used to think with cap.. and the colour is soo lovely.. i can prove that this cap would be very very useful to me.. then what else have i invested in.. a reader digest.. a fashion magazine.. oh yeah... a new pair of slippers.. well... that pair of slippers is more like a want than a need..

let's talk about my trip in merimbun.. that place is adorable.. selfishly.. i wish the government can close it from the public.. so the place can stay intact.. love the serenity there.. the staffs are helpful and friendly.. then our food.. urrgghh.. i bet everyone in our group is sick of egg now... can you imagine having eggs at every meal for 7 days?? a quote from babu damit 'i promise you, my cholesterol has never been this high'... very funny person..
as usual.. after a week field course, everyone seems to get closer.. because we were all by ourselves.. so everyone help everyone... this time we actually managed to have a steamboat there.. me and tek ying missed the first time because it was like after 12 am.. we were too sleepy to eat.. and i never knew that they love chilli padi so much... they added the baby chilli to the steamboat.. where there were also crab stick.. so i ended up chewing on a small portion of the chilli.. i'm always a spicy-food lover but.. now i have to cut down on it.. though it's hard..
the field work.. quite simple... because everyone in our group was doing the same thing we did for andulau project.. except for mizah.. i really like doing field work.. although it's hardwork in the field.. the good thing is not much work is left when you come back from the field.. amybe a little data analysis..
i didn't take a lot of pictures of merimbun.. because i know with my skill.. i can't capture the real appearance of the place.. you just have to be there to experience it..
i bet everyone of us would love to go back there.. but.. i won't want to stay in the balai purun again.. after knowing so many 'stories' about it on the last day..

amani would practise yoga while we're there... how i wish i know yoga.. nevermind.. i just have to wait for a while more.. when i start earning money.. i can learn all the things i wish i could learn now..
actualy it isn't bad now ah.. i still manage to learn aerobics..and auntie jun tries her best to invite her friends to teach us new things.. like.. now we do bollywood dance and salsa weekly.. but i always miss the salsa.. will try to go this week.. not try.. i must go... i don't know how many kilos i've gained.. i don't even want to step onto the scale..
so for the coming two weeks.. losing weights and finishing the report will be my two main tasks..

after the one week field course.. i feel very sweet by what my family did.. my grandpa insisted on carrying the huge luggage for me.. my grandma worried i'd have a hard time there.. my dad kept asking my mom have i called home.. my mom called to ask how's everything.. my uncle from labuan asked the same question too..even my maid asked me anything i want to eat apart from those cooked for dinner on the night i came back.. i admit when i was still in merimbun.. i envied those friends whose family or boyfriends came to visit them..or bring them out... but now.. i know i have a sweet family too ;)

tomorrow i'm going to wear my mom's shirt... miss her... but i know she's having a great time in singapore.. so.. nevermind..
this time.. my cousin stays with us.. which is very good thing to me.. at least i don't have to worry about cooking.. and our new maid is very capable.. so it's actually a lot easier for me this time.. and having someone to sleep by my side at night assures me that i'm not alone...
seems like i'm very 'allergic' to loneliness..

father's day is coming... and i feel... listless.. i have a father who.. is no longer the father i used to know... maybe he never is.. things just become clearer as i grow up... sometimes i hate growing up.. because lots of things are not longer simple.. but i wish i could grow faster so i can replace my father and become the one to support my family..
haih... father's day... reminds me of things i don't wish to remember...
nevermind.. i can still celebrate it for my grandpa.. he's much cuter than him..
not that i don't like his precious son... as a kid, he is cute.. but.. it's his identity that makes everything complicated.. i don't hate him... but i can't accept him.. to me, i only have 1 sister and 2 brothers..

been staying at home or hang out with my family for this holiday so far.. i begin to feel bit nervous when i think of spending one whole week with my classmates..

will the results come out tomorrow... i hope so.. since i'm going to ubd.. wish to know how good or bad i did..

sometimes.. i feel overprotected.. maybe that's how i become ignorant..

the supp is out... and the list is shorter compare to the last semester one.. a good sign i hope..

my mom's in singapore now.. won't be back before saturday.. then next week i'll be the one away.. i miss my mom... don't like the idea that she's not home... but at the same time... i feel glad for her too.. because she deserves the vacation.. i think everyone, especially housewives and mothers, should give themselves a break once in a while..

got a feeling i'm going to bring lots and lots of things with me this time for the field course.. because i'm bringing my car.. i thought of bringing 3 pairs of sport shoes and 2 pairs of slippers.. but i'll cut them down to 3 pairs of footwears.. thought of bringing pop mie but think i'll just bring light snacks.. thought of bringing my foot lotion... but think i'll just bring one type of body lotion.. i begin to believe i'm more like a city girl.. that's why i like rural areas.. but it's hard for me to live there.. a holiday will be just fine..
somehow.. i'm not an outgoing person too... and more and more often now that i avoid crowds.. i feel suffocated when surrounded by people i'm not familiar with.. even if they're my relatives or friends.. more and more often.. i prefer to stay at home.. read, watch tv, surf online and listen to any conversations.. i remember i used to talk a lot before.. back in secondary school.. but now.. i don't like talking.. getting bad at it.. and only talk more when i'm with a particular person.. when that person is not around.. i just can't bring myself to talk much..
my god.. am i getting shy or timid.. hm.. it took me more than half a year to be able to talk like normal with those aunties at the aerobic centre.. i know i should be more outspoken but my preference for keeping quiet is getting stronger.. out of the blue i just decided that i'm not a tactful speaker and hence should just listen..

i realised that.. biology is something i'm interested to learn.. but being a biologist.. seems like not my cup of tea..

there are lots of stuffs going through my mind.. but.. somehow i can't bring myself to blog them.. because erm... don't know.. just before i realise, i've got used to keeping things to myself.. or between me and dear.. maybe that's the reason why i feel lonesome... but i believe i'm the one who isolate myself from others..

me, lizzy, mimi, lini and mama went to eat satay last saturday night.. i enjoyed listening to their conversation.. joke is never missing when they're talking..
i miss nining and su yee eh.. must ask nining out when i'm back from merimbun... this week.. can't go out for long.. have to stay at home... fook got extra classes and tuitions too.. and something's wrong with my car.. hopefully ah luck can fix it tomorrow..
and i also hope i can lose those unwanted weights i gained in the past few months *sniff *sniff

i notice that during this holiday, blogging is a good activity.. just like an exercise for my brain..
i'm getting lazier and lazier each day when i've got nothing to do except reading novels.. and watch tv.. thank god i still go aerobics.. or else i'll really become a lazybone before the field course..

every friday morning i'll be jogging at the sport complex in tutong.. so mama and mimi.. join me whenever you like to.. i'll be with my mom.. it's good that she wants to at least do some brisk walking.. though just once or twice a week.. i like to exercise with my family... too bad none of them is sporty.. hehe.. not as if i love sports too.. maybe i'm just more health- and weight-conscious than any of them..

today i chatted with my cousin in labuan.. she's getting married at the end of this year.. and according to her.. the other friend too.. my god.. everyone.. well, quite a few of the people around me are thinking about marriage now.. but in my family, it's not about marriage, it;s about havig babies.. my other cousin (the one who got married during the chinese new year), she's expecting a baby now.. my another cousin too... wow... and i think my sis might want more kids... oh god... i remember last year, my niece was cute and nice and lovely... now.. hm.. a bit spoiled and petty.. a bit jealousy too.. sometimes.. not always... but i can't imagine having more kids like her... my nephew.. only 5 and the half months old.. he's huge.. and timid... he has an old-man face.. so he should smile or laugh more.. the good thing is.. if you catch him at the right time and right place... he'll laugh a lot.. quite a few times when i went to my brother-in-law's place.. i'd find my niece crying and throwing tantrums while my nephew having fun and laughing.. hehe..cute combination :P

jor just sms me this moning saying we need to buy insurance for the field course.. hmm... is something wrong or has something happened?? Hmm...

i always know i'm a bit lagging.. but it seems like it's getting worse... last time i almost got into an accident.. but i was cool with it at that moment.. and only aware of the possibility of the accident on the next day.. or.. i might still joke and calm when people mock or provoke me.. but got angry the next day.. i think i digest the things happen around me a bit slow.. i'm trying to be more alert.. but in a way.. it's not a bad thing totally.. at least some disputes can be avoided..

i finished my exam~~ a week ago... hehe erm.. i was quite happy with the exam schedule this sem.. my first exam started on the last day of the first exam week and there were gaps between exams that needed time to read.. ok.. i wasn't studying hard enough for the exams.. i was preoccupied with the weights i gained..
i stopped aerobics for 2 months and guess what.. i gained 3 kg.. my god! 3 kg eh.. that is like how much fats already... *sniff *sniff.. i'm even more confirmed now i should never never never stop exercising.. because a routine workout really makes me less stressful.. at least i don't have to worry about getting fat.. and with the outside food i eat so often.. sweating can help me detoxify a bit i guess..
beside fatter now.. i'm darker too.. but it's ok.. actually i'm quite like those honey-couloured skin.. just.. i'll try to stay as fair as i can.. so i can wear any colours on me..
i played rami a few days ago.. lost quite a lot of money..
oh my god.. i'm fatter now.. darker now and.. broke *sniff *sniff
nevermind.. i've started my aerobics since the revision week.. and.. i just don't go shopping and spend wisely.. then more keen on UV protection.. that'll do i hope..
i think i'm used to aerobic now.. i find other sports a bit boring..other sports as in.. jogging.. during aerobics.. we have music keep me going.. and the steps keep changing..

i'm going to tasek merimbun next month.. supposed to go to Belalong.. but it's on renovation now.. i was so looking forward to the canopy work and a week away from city.. oh well.. merimbun is not a bad choice too.. in fact.. you need to go there to feel that serenity when you look at the lake.. i'm so proud that merimbun is in tutong district.. hehe..

i saw one bag at one of the boutiques near lucky in seri... it's nice.. huge and cream-coloured.. but a bit expensive eh...almost $40.. it's too expensive for me.. because i change my bags very often.. depend on my outfits.. so no point buying costly one...

i wish to go on a vacation eh... whether a resort.. or sight-seeing.. from tv.. China seems like a very good choice.. because it's huge and each city or town or village is unique... but from what i heard.. i'm quite worried about the hygiene.. i need clean water everywhere i go..

erm.. what do i plan for this holiday.. hm.. rest of course.. and sleep.. just went for facial the other day.. pamper myself.. and read something useful.. this sem was hectic.. every sem i'll tell myself this is the most stressful sem i ever had.. every new sem just feels more hectic than the previous sem.. a good training for us i guess.. some people claim that the uni overseas aren't like our uni.. their students do less stuffs there.. and they don't have major minor things.. so i'm thinking.. next time when we go for any job interview..i can tell the employer that i'm well-trained to work under pressure.. :P
i love my uni.. especially when i'm leaving it soon..

when i think of what i want to be next time.. so i can decide whether i should try to do master.. hm.. i still think i want to be a housewife.. an ordinary housewife.. then.. maybe occasionally do a part time job.. something i can do at home.. without any fixed schedule..
sometimes i wish i could be more capable.. whatever i know now.. i learn from books, from theory and from someone else's experience.. i wish i can learn more from my own experience.. theory is something.. everyone can learn just from reading.. but experience is personal.. i know i'm overprotected.. one day when i don't have financial pressure.. i'll probably go around and have a look at different places on earth.. just hope by that time.. those places are still there..

hm.. hope i can slim down soon.. i have lots of outfits to wear.. but i don't want to wear when my arms are still flabby and large.. looking at my fat zones.. i'll cry oh.. it takes a lot of effort to maintain a satisfying figure.. ganbate kudasai!

lizzy.. i'm free now ah... i can cry with you oh *hugs*

it's been a while.. i'd worked harder than normal this week.. from monday to wednesday.. did more things than usual.. so until thursday.. i was exhausted.. but relaxed too.. maybe because i've finished preparing for saturday.. got a presentation...and the japanese assignment was supposed to hand in on saturday.. after i finished it... sensei said the deadline postponed to next wednesday.. hmm.. thank god she only said that after i finished it.. or else.. i'll probably delay it again till next week.. should've done it during the mid semester break..

oh yeah.. i'm 22 years old now.. hehe.. i spent the whole day of my birthday at Ministry of Health.. listening to talks.. withdrawing my blood for malaria and filaries (not sure the spelling) tests.. and catching living mosquitoes.. the people taught us how to catch it.. using our legs as baits.. maybe because it's my birthday.. so people only got 1 or 2.. i turned to have 5 ;) mosquitoes like me better

today it rained.. how great.. i don't like dry season.. i'll start worry what if it doesn't rain for months and we need to cut down on water use.. i guess i must be a fish in my previous life.. i just can't feel ease when there's no water..

lizzy.. how are you now?? miss you~~ soo much... you must miss me oh.. even if only once in a while..

for the past few weeks.. i don't like the way i talk sometimes.. like.. there were thorns in my words.. feel sorry to those who might have been hurt by my words.. especially tekying.. she's with me most of the time.. hope she didn't suffer much..
sometimes i feel lonely... maybe i'm not borned to be a loner.. i need companions.. partners..
but most of the time i'm ok with it.. not so much time to dread over it perhaps.. plus.. it's better for me to be alone too.. so i can concentrate more on my work.. is every uni student racing against time?? or is it just me or ubd student? no matter what i do.. i never find enough time.. hehe does that sound fake?? because i have the time to blog now.. maybe i should put it like this.. we have the time.. but the time we spend on leisure is never enough for us.. is that typical of young people these days? or of bruneians?
really.. i'm taking my study seriously... just.. i don't like it when i'm not studying it for interest but for something compulsory..
i probably won't do ecological project.. 2 of my friends want to work with the same lecturer and the lecturer said he's busy with something else.. so he can only take one.. and might accept another one.. when i heard that.. i felt like.. if so.. i just switch for other options.. don't like to fight with others.. there are still lots of choices.. erm.. well.. maybe a few more.. not many.. plus.. my family and my close ones are not that supportive for me to work in a forest.. i feel scared too to be in an area of a forest alone.. fear of bumping into a predator kind of animals.. fear of getting lost.. fear of what's in front waiting for me.. and also fear of those 'things'.. if you get what i mean.. i really believe on that kind of things..

tonight have to sleep with the air con on.. because my cousin is sleeping over here.. don't think it's appropriate to insist on sleeping with fan.. nevermind.. i can wear a jacket.. i just don't like the feeling when the air surrounding my skin is cold..

congrats mama!!! hehe.. remember we were saying what if your nephew was borned on my birthday?? that feels like a few weeks ago and now your sister has given birth.. time just fly.. bet you'll be very eager to go home every day now..

talking about birthday.. mine is coming soon... not going to celebrate it this year.. my family and i are going to have steamboat on my chinese birthday.. think i'm getting old.. no longer keen in making birthday big.. instead, prefer to have a quiet one.. as long as i spend it with those VIPs in my life..
hehe.. he asked me what do i wish for my birthday gift.. i told him better don't ask me that question.. because there are lots of things i wish to have..

the mid semester break is left with 2 days now.. i didn't do much honestly.. the best part of the break for me is i finally get better rest.. i suspect i have poor quality sleep.. or else i wouldn't feel tired in the morning when i wake up.. ok.. i know that sometimes i carry stress with me even when sleeping.. there are things like.. assignments.. deadlines.. tasks.. in my dreams..

the other day i went for a body massage (finally) and the lady advised me to drink more water to eliminate the toxic in my body.. more exercise.. and less chicken... she said there are lots of uric acid in the chicken.. then i was thinking.. we seldom eat beef because chinese believe that beef is bad for healing and for me, it's red meat.. so not so healthy to eat more.. then we seldom eat pork too.. expensive and not available everywhere.. i don't like seafood as well.. because it might not be fresh enough and the seafood here is always prawns and squids.. not healthy too..
so chicken seem to be the only choice both at home and outside.. if don't eat too much chicken.. hm...
after the massage.. we went for a tea time.. having what that lady said in my mind.. i ordered a vegetarian mee soup... quite nice.. because it got a lot of cabbage in it..

then i also went for a traditional urut today at a haji's place.. the haji said i have some problems with my period.. and i should stay away from spicy food and cold drinks..

oh yeah lizzy.. what did i do to my hair?? i cut, staightened and dyed it.. i realized that i'm quite open to new style.. not afraid to try any new looks.. as long as i trust the person who suggest it..

i begin to think that i've tried too hard to do well in everything.. which is beyond my capability.. trying to do well in study, help everything at home..keep fit... if i were a candle.. i bet i'm left with just a little bit of wax... ok.. nonsense..

but it's true.. i really feel exhausted now... i need to learn how to relax.. how to stop pushing myself... basically.. just accept the fact that i'm not the kind of person who can do good in everything at the same time... maybe when i just go with the flow.. i'll feel better.. and perform better..

today is the last day of chinese new year... my mom's in labuan.. haih... when i was young... it didn't matter to me at all where my mom went.. what time would she be back... but starting last year.. i'll mind... i'll miss my family when they're away... during the first week of the chinese new year.. i felt bit empty.. because no one was at home except me..
but thank god i have a bunch of good friends.. i really enjoyed on the day they came here.. nice talking with them all.. although that day was a bit rush for me (field trip the whole day)

i notice.. what i liked before.. i might still like it now.. just that.. now i've grown up.. i've learnt more.. a lot of things will start to affect my liking.. for example.. i realized that i still like going to the beach... but i thought i've stopped liking it.. now i know it's because of the sand flies.. and the tutong beach here.. hm.. people like to ask or gossip...
then a lot of food i still enjoy.. but because of heal and weight.. i don't feel so keen now to eat them..

of course there are lots of happy things happen in life.. just.. probably i'm too stress out.. i just miss the good part of it.. and keep thinking i didn't do well in this.. didn't do well in that..
suddenly.. feel like.. i need to start all over again.. start everything from the beginning..
i hope.. from now on... i'll stop mess things up.. keep things as simple as possible.. don't try to make things complicated.. and love everyone and everything more..

mimi.. the pictures you want are here...

mid-semester break has started.. not a really a break... hope i can make good use of this week to catch up with what i miss..

happy chinese new year...

my chinese new year started with a tired mind and body.. i never know it could be sooooo exhausting to prepare for chinese new year while trying to cope with study at the same time.. i'll appreciate the maid more next time...

the chinese new year has just reached almost a week.. and already i'm feeling plump.. been eating lots of unhealthy/fatty food.. and not enough sleep.. so a few pimples pop out on my face *sniff *sniff.. then feel like my arms become bigger *sniff *sniff.. i still have so many sleeveless outfits oh.. and my tattoo is fading.. my tummy is bulging out..

people will say.. start dieting after chinese new year..

recently.. i start to think more about my final year project..
hmm.. the courses i'm doing this sem.. not very inspiring for me.. unlike last year when i was motivated to study.. the courses this sem don't have the same effect.. not sure if it got to do with the chinese new year...

it's coming to end of the first half of the semester.. i'm still not so into the study mood.. but i know i should work really hard this year to compensate for my grades last year..

out of the blue.. i have that urge to go for a vacation.. wish to go to somewhere with historical sites.. or cultural values..

mama.. you know what.. i wanted you to be my partner too.. then you're sooo popular.. more than one person wanted to be your partner.. then actually.. i was thinking perhaps one of us (me and tekying) should pair up with noraini.. because she's the only second year student in our group.. and tek ying's been sharing the same bench with her for all the organic prac... so erm.. i was about to discuss with tek ying about pairing with noraini... but before i said anything.. it's settled..
what done is done.. we can still sit near each other in the lab... last week.. erm.. sorry oh.. didn't wait for you.. i was too hungry i guess.. and got something else to do.. so i left the lab.. assuming you'll understand.. sorry.. next week lah if we finish at around the same time.. and plenty of time left before the next class.. let's lunch..
hehe.. probably you won't see this post of mine before our next prac..

honestly.. i'm not ready for this sem too.. part of the reasons is due to the coming chinese new year.. this is the first time, after a couple of years, we don't have maid at home before new year.. so lots of cleaning up to do.. and i don't like the rain now.. it's been raining quite often these days.. i'm forced to keep delaying my plan of washing the bedsheets and blanket.. yesterday finally got to wash my bedsheet.. and my brother's one.. so tomorrow will be my blanket..hope it'll be a sunny day.. i wanted to help more.. but i'm always feeling tired when i reach home..despite didn't do much at school.. but i'm beginning to feel bit stress out.. maybe it's because i didn't manage my time good enough.. urrghh.. same problem every sem..
will try to improve.. actually it's nothing much.. if i can make myself do more work... could it be just me being lazy?? i should catch up with all the readings..
maybe i can have a laundry shop next time.. because that seems to be the only thing i can provide help at home :p

someone asked me do i know how to cook.. i told her yes.. but she just laughed and said confident lagi tu.. i don't understand.. she asked me a question.. and i answer honestly.. anything wrong? these days it's pretty easy to cook a meal.. we have all the instant stuffs... and i think actually.. it's not difficult to cook.. what's hard is to look for what to cook..
i know.. i'm just not good at talking with people.. i find it difficult to draw the correct line between what can say and what cannot say.. so most of the time i'm quiet.. and eventually.. i'm used to listen when talking in a group.. but sometimes.. when the mood come or when with the right person...i'll talk non-stop..

i went to soon lee just now.. and bought some outfits.. again!
oh my god.. it's so hard to stop.. especially with the sale going on now.. although it's kind of cheap.. still sedikit sedikit..lama lama jadi bukit oh.. i lost count of how much i've spent...and the thing is.. my mom doesn't stop me.. she'd only say buy while the sale is still on...
i'm afraid.. the outfits i have... i can wear new one every day from first day to the last day of chinese new year.. and the footwears i have now.. i have no problem to wear different footwear from monday to sunday.. too much right?? i know..
and what worse is.. i should've saved more now if i want to organize an open house for my friends.. now..hm... have to think twice..

just now in the afternoon.. there were short clips of a concert this morning in taiwan.. it's for the artist that had passed away last month.. feel very sad.. all her best friends and families were there.. each of them wrote a letter for her.. and read it out in the concert.. many of them couldn't hold their tears.. me too oh... it's silly i know.. it's like.. nothing to do with me at all.. yet i just couldn't stop my tears oh.. such a pretty and nice girl.. almost perfect person.. and just a road accident.. she's gone forever.. like the way they put it.. this is her first and last concert..
and i can't stop wondering.. by the end of the year.. those people who are very sad now.. how many of them will remember her..
it's like.. no matter how sad or how hard to get over her death now.. except her family and perhaps some of her bestfriends.. who will remember her after a few years... this is the saddest part for me.. no matter who you are.. you'll be forgotten eventually after you're gone.. only some people will remember you... but i guess.. that's enough..

so.. i'll take every step in my life seriously... i won't wait till special occasion to wear those nice or new clothes.. wont wait till i got extra money to buy stuffs i really like.. haha.. what am i thinking..

i'm afraid i've bought too many outfits and footwears for this new year.. till when i bought that pair of high heels on erm.. wednesday.. i felt a twinge of guilt.. hehe.. but i must say i love the adidas pants i bought on wednesday.. wish to buy more.. it's sold at half price so i can't resist..

i've been reading news articles about the death of that taiwanese actress.. at first it's all about how her family and friends feel.. the funeral and stuffs.. then up to now.. it started to include things like who's to be blamed.. what exactly happened during the accident.. did she use a safety belt.. did the ambulance driver make the right choice about which hospital to rush to.. don't feel like reading those...

she has left.. that's the fact.. everyone is sad about this.. but life still has to go on.. hope her parents and friends can get through her death...
to think positively.. she's been a very nice person.. brought lots of joy and happiness to people in her life.. it's like.. she had accomplished a lot.. like what some of her friends said.. the angel has done her job and now she has returned to the heaven..

so people.. love yourself.. take good care of yourself.. our body is our own responsibility.. we're not living in isolation in this world.. whatever happen to us.. it's going to affect more than 1 person.. with or without us realising that.. cherish everything we have in life.. so no matter what happen the next moment.. we know we've done our part and are happy and contented..

it's always easy to say than do.. i admit i don't love all the people appear in my life... i hate some of them.. dislike a few.. and am always picking on quite a number of people... but sometimes i wonder.. what am i thinking? i don't have the right to judge anyone's behaviour.. how can i tell whether the person is right or wrong.. and am i sure that i never do the same thing as that person?? just like just now.. i felt a bit pissed off that my two brothers are not helping my mom (she's cleaning the cement outside our house for the coming new year).. but i didn't scold them.. because i'm sure whether i've helped much too.. just don't think i can scold them unless i'm sure i'm not doing the same thing as them.. plus.. it's not that unexpected from kids that grow up with a maid at home..

the other day.. tek ying was mentioning a news where a couple has a down syndrome daughter.. and they decided to modify her body system where she'll never reach puberty... and people are angry about it.. those who went against it thought that it's unfair for the girl.. the parents shouldn't make decision for her.. at first i thought the same as the against group too.. but then.. i think no one can blame the parents... it's them who are going to look after the daughter.. not other people.. so we can never understand how hard it's going to be.. i mean.. i'm half-dead after babysitted for my niece and nephew for just one day.. i guess it must be a lot worse when it comes to an abnormal kid... and they're going to take care of her for their whole life... i think the parents do love their girl... or else they can just dump her at an orphanage or somewhere else..

oh yeah.. i donated my blood yesterday.. mama too.. five of us went together to the campaign.. but turned out that only we two are qualified to donate.. felt really glad that i've done a good deed.. and i have to say... it felt sooo great that i can now fill in the space for blood group on the form.. hehe.. the male nurse that helped me with the donation said he's going to donate his blood too in the afternoon and it's going to be his 70th blood donation... sounds cool right?? i like to donate my blood.. but i'm lazy to go to the hospital just for it.. not very sincere huh..
they gave us 2 packs of Tiger crackers and one can of soyabean... not the kind of things i like.. i like soyabean.. but not the can one..
i notice most of the medical staffs i've met so far are really nice and friendly people.. they tried to talk to us when they're injecting.. hehe and i tried to talk with them too with my broken malay...

let's hope the angel has reached where she belongs :)

i'm feeling a bit sad.. one taiwanese actress has just passed away.. it's a road accident..
she's soo young.. only 28.. very pretty girl.. quite talented too.. she has done lots of preparation like guitar class, she can play piano, harp and is capable of dancing too.. planning to release her first album this year.. and also just started to go steady with her current boyfriend.. and all and all.. she died in an accident.. so sudden..most of her friends are shocked.. and me too.. can't believe it's true...eventhough i'm not her fan.. all her friends describe her as an angel... caring, considerate and friendly... her family and friends must be real sad now.. and she too has a few dreams yet to come true.. now everyone chooses to believe that she has become a real angel in the heaven, blessing everyone in her life..
life is just so fragile.. a person can just die within a few seconds.. even if she/he hasn't accomplished what she/he intends to do..

i must always remind myself to finish whatever i need and want to finish.. must love my loved ones more.. don't want to feel sorry or guilty only when it's too late..

lizzy, mimi and mama.. i love you all *hugs*

i really hope i can fulfill all my wishes as soon as i can..
there must be something happen first before we can truly feel the sentence that 'live as if there's no tomorrow'

last sem i was soooo busy... this sem... i have so much free time up to now.. making me lazy... good thing is.. i usually finish my assignment early before the deadline.. next week.. i should get more hardworking.. i don't have a lot of courses this sem.. good time to catch up with my grades...

i've bought a new phone.. sony w810i... love it soo much.. it's my first camera.. took lots of pictures of eshyn and junho.. junho was sooooo chubby.. his cheeks are dropping like bulldog :p
hehe

recently... quite a lot of things happened.. but.. not keen in posting.. feel like.. whatever i say here.. not longer between me and my friends.. hm.. not longer what i planned at first when i sign up for a blog... only until recently... i truly believe that there's no privacy in the internet.. maybe i should keep a written journal.. then i can write any where any time.. hmm..
there are lots of things i wish to say here but can't.. but i won't stop this blog.. this is one of the best ways for me to keep in touch with my girlfriends..

can't believe i got sick on the first day of school.. but from that i notice that i'm good at reasoning..
feeling tired and sleepy - i must have missed too much sleep last week
legs feel weak - too much aerobic last week
appetite loss - too many heavy meals last weekend
feeling cold - the air-con too strong
so in the end.. i only realized i was having a fever in the evening.. after i reached home from uni.. but i still remembered to buy petrol on my way home.. that time i started to feel hot.. but i thought it must be because i didn't turn on the air-con.. oh well.. perhaps that's how i passed some of my exams.. i got reasons.. :p

then yesterday we've got our first chemistry lab.. better than i expected.. because our first practical was organic chemistry, with dr chan... and it was fun to have tek ying sitting opposite to me and mama just next to me.. hope they all pass their supplement exam.. then we can all do experiment together every week..

today i'm free for whole day oh.. because practical for biotech starts next week.. this is the first time.. eversince i enter uni.. that i have one whole day free on a school day... it feels.. fantastic :p
hehe.. of course.. it makes me lazy too.. then i still felt weak yesterday.. so i didn't do my chemistry report.. but i'm very ddetermined to finish it tomorrow.. so i can relax during the weekend.. it's holiday..

just now i had lunch with meimei.. she paid for me oh.. then we had a long lunch.. i must have talked a lot with her.. because i can feel that my throat was getting dry and i needed to raise my voice at the end in order to maintain the same volume as earlier..i always got carried away when talking with people...
then masrita... one of my hm... school mate in sufri.. she's working there... and she remembers me.. and i remember her too.. including her name... there are quite a lot of people i remember and will talk to them.. but i forgot their names.. and feel guilty to ask them..
she works at wywy in tutong.. when she came to clean our table.. i told her the food is not nice oh.. bad me :p
oh yeah.. i talked a lot of meimei oh.. didn't expect we'll have so much to talk.. now think of it.. probably i had talked too much.. because i'm the one who talked most of the time..
when two or three persons.. i'll talk a lot.. but when hanging out with my bunch of girlfriends.. i don't talk as much.. that's me i guess.. i'll talk a lot when the other person doesn't talk much... but when everyone is talking.. i prefer to listen..
meimei gave me one koala bear doll oh.. so cute.. with a leaf between its hands..
but i didn't buy her anything.. guilty eh...

i didn't help much at home i notice.. my mom has been doing most of the household chores.. i only help a little bit.. i can only comfort myself by telling me at least this gives her a chance to move around.. she's so lazy.. keep finding excuses to avoid exercise.. maybe old people are like that.. hehe kidding.. my mom is not old at all.. just 40 plus... but i really hope she can do some exercise... my sis too not a sport person.. my dad too... my two brothers are not very active in sports too.. i'm like an odd one..

i bought new clothes again today... supposed to just accompany siao to shop for her new year's clothes.. but i ended up buying some for myself too.. those clothes are just tooo irresistible.. and those shoes too... oh no.. i wish i could have more money.. and more space at my place..especially my room.. i need a huge wardrobe.. if possible.. a room specifically for my clothes, shoes and bags... thank god i don't like jewelleries.. or else i'll be broke..

thanks lizzy.. your result is good too.. hope i can get one like yours.. i'll work hard..
*hugs* it must be hard for you to be there by yourself.. there's really very limited things we can do for you.. but we'll do whatever we can.. just let us know if you need us to do something..

everyone is talking about new year's resolution... even websites and magazines.. mine?? hmm..
i hope all the people i love would be healthy and happy all the time.. so this year.. i hope i can pay more attention to my family and friends.. and dear too of course.. to make sure they're alright.. then i want to save more money.. so i can go to KK again to visit my ma kim.. she's so lonely i feel.. she's just like a grandma to me.. miss her.. and miss my grandma too..the one that has passed away.. i always hope i had spent more time with her while she's still around... the other day i saw her and my grandpa in my dream.. they live in an enchanting place.. with a lake of crystal-clear water and colourful corals.. then a very comfortable wooden house.. gentle breeze came from all direction.. i really miss her... of all my family.. so far... she's the closest to me...

ok.. oh yeah.. another new year resolution.. hmm... not exactly a resolution.. more like a responsibility.. i must improve my grades... since i have fewer courses this sem.. it should be easier for me to study hard.. hope this determination has rooted deep enough in my mind..
also.. stick to my aerobic schedule.. and more organized..

i wonder how can i check next year if i've achieved this year's resolution.. i don't even remember what's mine last year.. more like.. following the trend when i list down those..
i think what's more important is.. make sure i live life to the fullest.. make the best out of it.. and make my family proud of me..

i still have the desire for shopping trips... haih... have to wait.. wait till i'm settled with textbooks.. and wait till i buy my new mobile phone..

results...hmm..

i was overjoyed when i first got my result.. it's true oh.. i learnt that i should stop comparing myself to others.. because i felt happy with my result at first.. until i checked results of other people.. then i started to feel disappointed..questioning myself why i couldn't do as good as them.. hmm... i should stop thinking that way right.. at least i passed all my courses.. no F and S in my result..
ok... let me be cheerful.. although i got an E for my physical chem and D for my genetics.. i managed to maintain my grade A for japanese.. then.. what makes me almost dance at the mall is my A in population ecology.. my god.. this is the first time i got grade A for my bio courses.. i couldn't believe it... then a B for my inorganic chem and C for conservation.. so.. basically.. minus the elective japanese, my grades for major and minor are ABCDE.. i can't stop thinking about the D and E in my result... *sniff *sniff
but when i think of my A in population ecology... i can't stop smiling.. hehe.. must study hard to get another grade A.. ganbate~

had lunch with swait zin yesterday and josh today.. feel a bit guilty oh because both of them paid for me.. eversince i come back from KK.. i never pay for my meals when i dine out... i'm not complaining oh.. just feel bit... weird lor... i'm not used to this... it's so often that this afternoon.. i was lazy to argue with josh about the bill.. he always likes to pay for us.. unless i threaten him :p
the lunch with swait zin.. quite nice... nice talk and nice food.. with josh too.. updating with each other... swait zin is much more mature now.. that's how he made me feel.. easier to approach..

pandai pandai lah me.. i didn't expect my grade for physical chem would be this low.. so i told mama that i'll help her with her supp exam.. now.. knwing that i only got an E.. feel bit embarassed to teach eh... but don't worry mama.. i'll try my best..

can't wait to go back to uni now.. wish to study.. wish to be busy again..

sure swait zin.. you come online so i can give you my phone number.. it's still the same.. or how about coming tuesday (9th)?? i'll send my cousin to work in the morning.. then i can just stay at my aunt's place till noon time.. we can just eat in gadong.. anywhere convenient for you..

nothing much to do... we'll start studying in a week time.. i can't wait for school to start.. especially when my brother is back to school now.. i miss school.. miss racing against time for assignments... hmm... unlike last time in secondary school.. i don't quite miss my classmates (sounds cruel :p).. but i do miss my group of girlfriends.. i'm happy that i'm going to meet mama again in chemistry lab... it feels so nice to be around with someone you're very familiar with.. for me that is... because.. i don't feel comfortable when i'm surrounded by strangers.. especially elders... i'm bad at communicating with old people i guess..

seems like i don't have chance to go to Labuan before uni starts.. i wish to go to a place where i don't have relatives.. everyone keeps asking me to stay at his or her place... if i'm going.. i'll be going for vacation.. so i need peace.. but.. haih... i wish i had fewer relatives there.. and most of them, i don't feel comfortable talking to them.. firstly i don't know how should i address them.. then also i don't like it when they're so curious about my father... one of them practically asks the same question everytime she sees us.. 'don't your dad come home?'.. i feel like asking her will that affect her life?? she's in labuan and we're here in brunei... sometimes when people ask, i know they're caring about us.. but some of them.. it's purely for gossips..

it's been raining every day now.. i miss the sun.. one of the articles i read last night in CLEO said.. next time when we feel cold, we should embrace it, instead of putting on our sweaters.. because our body burns more calories when we're cold.. hmm... should i try?? i really don't like to have a layer of cold air above my skin.. but for the calories..maybe i can try..

if anyone ask me, what's my favourite food... i'd say anything that is healthy and weight-friendly.. because i notice these days... i like the food because of what it'll do for me.. instead of its taste.. maybe because i can eat as much as i like and minus the guilt.. it seems to me that most girls love either ice-cream or chocolate.. i don't have any strong desire for any of both.. but i do crave for chocolate at times.. especially when i got menstrual cramp... but most of the time.. just a normal food for me.. hm.. i'm craving for leafy vegies these days..

wish to go out shopping eh... need new cds and maybe new cloth for making new baju.. cloudy days make me lazy..

i'm back.. lizzy's gone :p

yeah i'm back from kk.. erm about 4 days ago.. i love the shopping centres there.. huge, cheaper than here and miri and lots of choices.. but i can't live there... on my third day there i started to miss home and miss brunei... i still prefer brunei here.. no heavy traffic jams, not many aggressive drivers here, lots of friendly people here... better services too.. then.. i won't have to worry about pickpocket or robbery whenever and wherever i go in brunei... all in all.. still my own country the best.. hehe...
when i was in kk.. my cousin juan juan brought me around.. met her group of friends.. hm.. they don't sound like very fond of their own country.. not happy with their government.. and juan juan is like.. always looking for chances to get a job here... just for the sake of money.. for outsiders, brunei is like a heaven.. lot of opportunities and peaceful.. i'm not hinting about anything.. but i really think she should listen to foreigners in brunei.. of course she'll only hear about the good things if she listen only to me.. i'm a bruneian what..
actually.. i'm just not happy to hear that for them.. brunei is a place of money and other than that, nothing else worth to know.. i wish to tell them malaysia is not a bad country too.. it got all the nice food and lots of things that can't be found in brunei here.. and for me, if you're not happy with your country, how can you live happily there? guess it's hard for me to walk around in their shoes.. there must be lots of things i don't know...

my medical report is out... everything's normal.. and i finally know my blood type.. it's O positive.. i'm so happy that from now on.. it's really easier for me to donate blood.. plus.. i don't have any health problem.. perfectly fit to give away my blood..

lizzy's gone back to calgary now.. just met once... but nevermind.. at least we get to meet.. hehe..
going to miss her again...

result is coming out soon.. bit nervous when think of it.. so i almost never want to think about it if can..

got menstrual cramp now *sniff *sniff.. the past few periods were ok.. i can still play and jump.. this time no oh...what did i do last month...

i had a busy week... back from kk on tuesday night.. then helped with my cousin's wedding.. went to miri last night for dinner.. my cousin is getting marry in february.. in kuching.. i can't go... because will need to go to school.. haih.. miss the chance to dress up for a dinner..
bought lots of clothes and 3 pair of shoes.. hehe... i'm so happy with my shopping trips in kk.. but need to save money.. going to straighten my hair.. dye too..