My thought lately

Been doing attachment with the fisheries department for over a week. It's exciting to know so many things i was unaware of before, but it can be quite boring when there's nothing for us to do.
Thanks to this attachment, i've got the chance to visit places like shrimp ponds in Mentiri and Telisai, offshore fish cages in Pelong Rocks and Pulau Pelumpong. I also got to learn the process of aquaculture setting-up and have a better idea now how hard it is to start a primary industry. Don't ever start one unless you can afford to go profit-less for more than a year.

I find myself quite looking forward to working as labourer. The thought of working in the farm or pond or cages is more appealing to me than that of working in a laboratory. Hmm... don't be surprise if one day i work as a farmer ;) Well.. just give myself another 2 or 3 years and see how things go.

I'm thinking of learning something new next year, maybe a diploma, or a type of dance. But i need to make sure it won't be too costly on me and on top of all, i need determination!

Recently, i'm either under the sun or in the rain. For the first time in this year, i think, i fell sick. It took me 2 weeks to get fully recovered. Must be aging, because fever has never felt so bad for me.

Alright.. old lady like me need to get ready to sleep. My beauty sleep..
Good night old ladies~ xoxo

I'm still alive

It's been a while since i last updated. A lot of things happen and a lot of thoughts i'd love to share here but either didn't have the time or i've got other things which i think are more urgent. So, a lot of the times, i find myself talking to myself, just to make me feel i have shared it with someone.
This is one thing i love about myself. I have no problem with spending time alone. I have heard people saying they won't go out if alone. Some time ago, i was one of them. But now, once in a while, i deliberately want to be alone. I think i have very low tolerance for noise and voices.

Lately i'm not so keen in socialising. You can say i'm anti-social because i'm really lazy to go out. I like to be on my own.

I'm not taking any leaves so will be working for the whole december. For the coming two weeks, i'll be going for my industrial attachment. Not so keen to go now because i rather finish off my notes, assignment and practical instruction sheet and also my scheme of work. Planning for the next semester took more time than i expected, maybe because i have 4 subjects so it's a bit hard to synchronise everything.

For the past few days, it's as if certain part of my nerve connections was broken before and now it's repaired. I begin to see through a lot of things. Now, i'm learning to be more patient, with things and with people. I hope this nerve connection will be fixed forever :p

Lizzy planning to settle down here in brunei?
If i have the chance, i'd go elsewhere. I guess i need to experience it myself to know the grass next door is not always greener. Many people have been telling me brunei has the most comfortable life here. I know. But what if comfort is not what i'm looking forward to at this stage of my life?
It's so contradicting. A part of me wants to feel that lively, competitive life in a city but another part of me is enjoying life at a slow pace. But i'm sure i can find a way to make two ends meet, only if i have the chance. Now is not the time yet. Financially, i'm not ready yet. But, what if some time later, i begin to get used to life here and become unwilling to step out from my comfort zone?
Well, life is unpredictable. Only god knows what will happen next moment. We'll see...

A remarkable day

I did my first headstand in my yoga class just now. It wasn't as hard as i thought but i certainly need more strength and guts to do it. Not bad, i told myself, after all, i've stopped doing yoga for almost a year. It's good enough that my flexibility is still there. But i certainly need more muscle strength.

Vicky's getting married this weekend. My god! One by one, my friends are getting married. When will be my turn? I look forward to it but i know for sure that i'm not ready now. I'm very curious how will dear propose, or how will I propose. We never know, it's no longer the man's right to propose, ladies can do that too.
It's subtle but i think my parents' marriage does influence me. I never stop doubting about love that lasts forever.

I haven't updated my blog for over a month because i've been quite busy lately. It's the time of the year when we have to give exams, calculate marks, have course team meeting to discuss about students' progress and so on.
I notice one thing lately. People always think i'm kasian, having to work until 4.30pm whereas normal school teachers only work for half day. Also, i need to travel from tutong all the way to wasan for work. Hm.. is it that bad? I actually enjoy my work and i really think the working hours suit me well. i'm not the type of people who like to bring work home. When i'm at home, my 'relax' mode is turned on automatically. So it's a good thing i work until 4.30 to finish my work before i come home, though the work is never finished. I guess that's the same in everywhere. No work can be really done because there will be new one keep coming in.

I'm not taking leave for this december. First reason, i don't have any unpaid leave yet. Secondly, i don't know what i can do at home if i don't go to work. I can't go for vacation again because i've had 2 already this year. Need to recharge my pocket.

Time to sleep. Take care old ladies. Sorry for not able to join you guys most of the time.

it's been almost a month..

..since i last updated and i didn't realize it. Time flies~

Been so busy lately. I feel like i'm always on the run but never get to finish the things i wanted to. I only have just enough time to prepare for all my classes, not yet the assessment and yet, the semester is coming to an end soon! Oh no!

Last week i received a call, informing me that i've got the offer from SPA for monthly-paid education officer post. Hm.. you can say i'm ungrateful. For a moment, i was actually thinking should i take the offer. I enjoy teaching a lot, enjoy the time spend with students, but i'm not sure if i want to stay with the way things are done here. Maybe that's why i never thought of doing my master. One thing is, i haven't seen the need for it yet. Another thing is, if i get the sponsorship, it would mean i'm bonded for at least 3 years. I kind of feeling restricted. I think i have never given up on sponsoring myself for a qualification one day.
But don't worry, i am accepting the offer. I'm just waiting for my medical check report so i can reply to SPA.

Tomorrow i'm bringing my students to Tasek Merimbun for a 3D2N study trip. Will be back on sunday. That's why i probably won't make it to attend Lina's wedding. i feel so sorry. I think if i try to rush, i can make it. However, i also think i'll be very tired by that time. Plus i got one class on Monday, need to prepare for it and also the dry-run on monday morning. I don't understand, why can't we show the real situation we're in now? Why must we perfect our school condition?

Because of some mistakes or what, my september pay is delayed. Haven't got my pay yet. Thank god my car loan only starts next month. Hopefully by next month, i can start my monthly pay. Only until now that i realized that is a difference in salary for daily and monthly paid. Haha not that i'm blurred, i just think if i spend wisely, $2500 is actually enough. I always try to remind myself be content with what i have, instead of keep looking forward to what i don't have.
As usual, higher pay to me means more responsibility and i need to work harder in order not to feel guilty for getting that pay.

Anyway, the thought of staying in Tasek Merimbun for 3 days relaxes me. I need a break to stay away from all the tasks and responsibilities, even if that means i'll get extra busy when i come back. I always enjoy a weekend getaway.

A post of apology

Hi Ladies, i'm sorry that i don't think i'm coming with you guys this sunday for raya. I just can't enjoy myself when i have so much work to finish. If i go with you guys, i'm sure i'll keep thinking about the things i need to do and when is the time to go home. So sorry guys, don't let me spoil your excitement.
Don't know if this is considered as anti-social...

I think i've mentioned that one of my subjects is taken away by a new staff? Now, another colleague is leaving so i'm back to square one, 4 subjects again. THis new subject is totally new to me, something i havent studied before. But for my sake of my students, i'm going to do my best!
I've called for 2 meetings so far yet i haven't finished even 1 meeting minute.
Did i actually think this holiday is long?? It feels so short to me now. I just hope i can get everything ready for next week.
Every day when i go to work, i feel as if i'm going to fight a war, a war against all odds, especially time.

A quick update:

I took 2 days off last week. Actually only 1 day because i had to go back to school for a meeting on the first day. I went to KK and it was a nice nice trip. First time ever ;)
But the day i came back to brunei was also the day my cousins from labuan arrived. So there wasn't any break for me. Brought them around, to Istana, to some recreational parks and the empire.
I was so right about myself. I need to be abroad on my off days. Or else i'll be still doing my work. Even when i was in KK, i thought of a to-do list for this week and then got myself reluctant to come back. Bad bad habit!

Also, my new car has arrived. THe most exciting part for me is, i finally got to use the keychain i bought from KL last time. It's a customized keychain. Like it so much. And now, i'm slowly to like my new car. Start to like its look and the feeling when i'm driving. It was out last week and i didn't have many chances to drive. My mom was its owner last week. I can assure that my car is going to be a heavy-duty car. I feel sorry for it because its owner, me, doesn't seem to be enthusiatic about its arrival. Slowly lah, i'm not the type of people who react fast.

Ok, lastly, sorry again ladies. Happy raya to you~

Another midnight post

I just came back from outing with mama, mimi, ana, masniah and her bf. It was a feast for us at the Pantai Restaurant of the Empire. But the food was too salty for me so for the first time, i had only 1 main course at a buffet and made several trips to the appetizer section. Prefer the salads and sushi.
Does it only happen in Brunei that sushi is the appetizer?? Hmm...

Thanks, Lizzy. Now i know India is still considered Asian. Haha *blushed* Thank god i'm not teaching geography.

I've been relaxing for the past 2 days till i'm beginning to feel worried and guilty now that i haven't touched any of my work. It's just so hard to make myself to do the work on a public holiday but i better start doing it tomorrow. Else, i'll have to do things in haste when monday comes.

I'm looking forward to Monday because i'll be bringing the Fish students to Tasek Merimbun. The view there never fails to captivate me, no matter how many trips i've made. I'm glad that i'm the sort of person who can see the aesthetic value of a place. Because that's a cheap way to destress myself. I wish to go hiking but it's one of the things that i don't feel comfortable going alone. Anyone's interested?

There isn't any change in my weight but i just know it that my body fat is increasing, from all the sungkai meals i had for the past 2 weeks. I'm getting scared of heavy meals. I've tried Tandoor, KTM in Jerudong, Pantai Restaurant of Empire and the seafood restaurant near Jerudong beach. I actually skipped the buffet with the ND fish on thursday at Polo Club. Like i told someone, having buffet once in a while is heaven, but having more than 1 buffet in one week, it becomes a torture! It's not healthy too to have big meals.

For the first time, me and dear didn't chat with each other for 4 consecutive days. It's a new experience, not a good one though. Then in this week, i was asked 4 times the question 'when are you two plan to get married?' by 4 different, unrelated people. Hm... am i that old already?
Like i told Josh, wedding needs a lot of money and the money i'm saving now is for vacation.

How do people think about vacation? For some, it's as simple as buying the ticket and book the hotel, then off they can go. For me, it's something big. Maybe because i didn't get to travel much. I like to go when i'm very sure i won't have financial problem when i'm back.

Recently, i've been thinking what do i want to do in the future. I'm quite sure teaching won't be my lifetime career and one day in the near future, i'm going to get very fed-up with working for the government. Should that happen, i may quit. That's why i must have savings so i won't be tied down by my financial needs.
One day, i'm going to work in a restaurant as a waitress. I realized i love to serve customers and making sure someone has a satisfying meal gives me a sense of accomplishment. I love to smile to people, even if i don't know them. But the world i live in is weird. People find it abnormal to be that polite and i'm too shy and too timid to be the odd one.

One lesson i learned this week is, sometimes, being calculative prevents me from feeling regret in the end. At first, i don't mind helping others, regardless of whether i need to do or not. Then i found out people just push everything to me after some time.
Before this, i'd think that when people offer help, we should reciprocate the offer when have chance. That doesn't happen all the time. There are people who will take the advantage out of it, instead of returning the kindness. Strange world, strange people.

I hope i can be aware of the not-so-positive things in life without getting influenced by it. Learn the good things and neglect the not-good ones.

quiet and calm

I went to Tandoor for sungkai buffet tonight with my students and 2 colleagues. The place was nice, like the atmosphere but the food was just nice. What to do, i'm a true Asian. Northern Indian food is not my cup of tea. But i really love the atmosphere there. Those naughty boys in my class secretly called the owner Pringles. Hehe..
Thank god i have my students. They never fail to make me laugh.

Work is still hectic but i begin to find ways to enjoy it. For all the things i have to do, i'll do my best. but i won't be that naive to think what i do can please everyone. There's always someone that is going to pick on my work. Normal, because i'm not perfect. But i don't care! I have tried my very best to do my duties as perfect as i can. In the end, i became unhappy and pessimistic. Somemore, i got no recognition for that. So now, i stop pushing myself and work has become enjoyable for me again.
Lesson of the week: Don't be afraid to admit you can't do it, or you'll find yourself getting no help at all.

I just chaired a programme development meeting 2 days ago. Still need to improve on that.

I've been naughty this week. I cancelled an assignment that my previous HoD wanted me to give to the students. I made quite a lot of changes in the programme guide that he had done before he left. And i feel so happy to do those things. Haha! Bad me!
Honestly, i like the new department staff and the new HoD. Because i'm given more flexibility and freedom now to do things my way.

I fast too, from the time i stepped into the school compound until i left the school. That is about 8 hours. I"m hoping that after the fasting month, my capacity will be reduced.
Thanks to my hectic work, i'm now going to bed early because i'll be sleepy before 10.30am and i'm waking up early too. On non-working days, i still wake up early, like 7am. Healthy sleeping pattern and i see great improvement on my skin. Yea!

Have i mentiond that one of my subjects is given now to a new staff? That's such a relief. I can focus more on my biotech.

I envy Lizzy that you can go all around those places. People who have been to many places always see things in different ways from people who only stay in one country. Those people tend to be more open-minded, bigger hearted, more adaptive, know better about the meaning of life.
Somehow, i know i won't be dare enough to travel on my own in any countries i'm not familiar with. I thought of going to Taiwan again and if i do that, it'll be a slow and steady type of trip. I also want to go to Australia again. I still find it more comfortable to go around chinese places.
I've always thought that if only chinese is the main language used here, my life will be very different now. For some unknown reasons, I always think that i'm under-developed. I have talents in many things but did not have the chance to further improve it into skills.I can swim, i can play songs with keyboard (w/o background music), i can dance, i can sing (a bit lah). All of those are self-learned so i never know if i'm doing it the right way. I used to like playing piano or music as a kid and my dad had promised me more tha once that he would send me to piano lesson. But he never fulfilled his promise. Nothing to be surprised. Sometimes i would think, if i was sent to learn all those, where will i be now?
Or maybe.. i would have stopped liking those long time ago.
Oh my god! How pathetic! I'm putting the blame on someone else for not being master in anything!
It's still not too late now for me to pick up on skills or knowledge i missed. But, i think i have better use of those money. I heard my car will be out anytime soon. Oh no! Money again!

One of my close cousins is in uni now. When they first found out he is accepted, the whole family celebrated it. My other cousin celebrated it for him too.
I never know how does it feel to have someone celebrating academic achievement for me. No matter how well i did, it is still MY business. Nothing much to do with anyone in my family. Eventually, i become someone who don't talk about my study and my work with my family. Whether i'm happy or not with my work, they don't know. None of them know what is my degree, what exactly i'm teaching. I have had my name on an international publication before but that doesn't mean anything to them.

Looking at my nieces and nephews now, i'm so glad that my parents don't interfere much in my growing-up. Kids nowadays so pity. I'm not a mother yet so i can't see the point of having a multi-talented child. Why must they learn so many things? After school, have to go to another school to learn other things. Tsk tsk tsk~ where's the childhood?

Swimming~

Today i went to swim at the sport complex, something i should've done but had been skipping for the past few weeks. It makes me happy when my body can move well.
As i was swimming, i realized although i'm not a perfectionist, i am self-conscious almost all the time.
I feel shy to wear swimsuit, especially when people i know are around. Keep thinking that my gosh, my legs are huge, my tummy is bulging, my arms are flabby. Do i look clumsy when i swim? Are my moves right?
Honestly, what can i expect when my swimming is self-learned?

In school, i am always tense, worrying what will people think if i complain too much, what will happen if i openly defend someone, if i appear to be close with someone...

No wonder i am exhausted.

But don't worry, i've made up my mind now to accept who i am, accept the fact that i am not perfect and be happy with it.
Can't believe i have stopped to love myself for the past few weeks...
It's reflective, i can't accept my own incapability, so i become intolerant with people who don't do their work well. Just because someone is multi-tasking doesn't mean i have to be the same too. I must remember that everyone is unique and different (Recall Competitive Exclusion Principle). i may not be good at multi-tasking, but i do well when i'm focused ^_^

midnight post

not really.. it's not 12am yet. But it's way past my bedtime now. Just finished chatting with dear. Miss him so much. The last time i met him was like... 2 weeks ago. Such a long time :p

Work is still the same, miserable. But something happened this morning that i can't wait till tomorrow to post it here.

This week, our department is visited by the external moderator. I had a 30-mins chat with him about my teaching and the students. Then, consulted him about few things. People who are experienced like him have sharp eyes. This morning, he actually offered to help me moderating all my papers in the near future, since all biotech staff are either gone or leaving. At that moment, i almost burst into tears. I've been feeling quite depressing about work recently so his offer is just like, sunlight penetrating the gloomy cloud above and reached me. It's like telling me, as long as i work hard and sincerely, people will see it. It's just a matter of time.
I felt so sad to bid goodbye to him just now. Of course there are few colleagues who understand my situation but to receive help from an outsider, i am moved.

But again, it pointed out the ugly truth. Even stranger like him cares about people who get left behind like me. Sadly, our own people seem to be blind to it. Or maybe it only happens to the minority like us chinese.
Ok, i understand that certain things are unavoidable. Quite a number of us are overloaded. Sometimes i understand it is because there's no one else. But there are times when such things are preventable. For example, stop creating new task when you don't have enough human resource.

These days i stop myself from posting because i'm fed up with the me who complains about the job non-stoply. I like my job but the working environment is very discouraging. I choose to believe that it's a training for me. At least now i know not to let people step over me easily, although that still happens often. What to do, i usually realized it only after the incident is over.

Anyway, all i wanted to say is, gambate! Life is fair. You work more, you'll gain more!
These days i'm so fed up with feeling tired and then start to pick on my work. So today i remind mysef to relax. Just do what i can. When it's time to rest, just take a break. Don't be afraid to be nice to myself. So, even if no one appreciates me, i am there for myself. Why should i live up to people's expectation when they don't bother about me? I must remember, admitting my own incapability is nothing to be ashamed of.

I wish i could travel like Lizzy eh... Hehe but with my character now, i'll probably stress over the amount of money i need to spend before anything.

posting with heavy eyelids

hi everyone. I'm here again.

Last week, although with public holidays, i didn't really rest. Spent my friday and sunday preparing for lessons. This week, everything is back to normal. It's as if i have used up my energy. This morning, when i woke up, i still felt tired. Then today, just teaching for 2 hours felt heavy for me. I usually don't sit down when i teach. Today, my legs just felt sooo tired. And it's just thursday. I still have 1 more class this week on saturday and my HoD wanted us to start doing tissue culture on saturday. Honestly, i really think i have reached my limit and i took dear's advice to talk to my HoD, who is leaving next week for his master.

'Is it confirmed that when she left, i'll take her 2 subjects? Now i'm a bit struggling with just 4 subjects and GC work. Is it possible if i just take 1 subject?'

'That one, you have to deal with the new HoD. Can lah, you can do it. No problem tu.'

I was like, if i can do it, what am i here talking about it to you? One thing i notice about people here is, if you voice out that you can't take that much work, they will think laziness is the only reason behind it. Keep telling me can can can, you try to do it yourself and prove to me it's possible.

For me, a good head should care about the feelings of his/her staff. A responsible head should finish off what he is doing before he leaves, not creating new job and expect the staff to take over, especially when you know your department is going to be left with 1 staff.
Guess what? I'm appointed as the chairperson for biotech programme development committee, like i know what is appropriate to be included in the syllabus.

These days, it's depressing at work. There are people who are self-centred, selfish, jealousy and hypocritic. Honestly, i don't expect my HoD to make any changes. Because he is leaving soon so naturally he won't want to do any extra work. People who are willing to help are themselves overloaded. People who are still free and relaxing are blind to how busy their colleagues are. It's how he answered me that is really awful. I really have a feeling that i can only rely on myself now. Work life is just hectic now.

Good thing is, there are people like me so we all can talk with each other and feel the comfort when we know we're not the only one. No matter what, i will survive! I won't get defeated easily. It just makes me sick to see people who expect you to behave in a certain way yet they themselves are doing the things they forbid others to do.

Sorry people, my post will be about my work as my life is now revolve around it.

Last week i was always on the merge of crying. I knew i was too stress-out. There is never a day i don't bring my work home and do it at night. If i don't do so, i won't be able to finish the preparation for my work. I just don't like to go into a class feeling ill-prepared. As a GC, i want to feel connected with my students. I need to know what they're doing. I want to make sure my students can always talk to me whenever they have problem.
I think one of the reasons why i'm stres-out is because of myself. I take my work very seriously and i don't like taking short-cuts when it comes to work. I don't mind being so tiring and having to teach so many subjects. But please, at least show me i am appreciated or my work is recognized.

Last time during the ICE conference, one researcher claimed that from her study, bruneian teachers consider passion and interest are the top motivational factors, while working environment, recognition and money are not on their list or at the end of the list. Having heard that, my conclusions is, then i'm not a typical bruneian teacher. Because for me, money and working environment are very important. If money not important, what's the noise all about when the salary is late? How long can the interest last if the working environment is terrible? Maybe i'm too realistic.

These days i've been so busy that i almost forgot to renew my car's road tax. Tonight i'm not doing any work and now i'm feeling guilty already. Oh no... i need exercise. I need better stamina. I need to get firm up. On top of that, what i really need is a vacation. I can only stop thinking about my job and responsibilities when i'm out of brunei. I want to fly~

In response to Mimi's post..

...about wedding.. Hmm.. I wonder where does all my romantic-ness go. For me, reception dinner can be skipped. I'd like to have a low profile wedding, only mine and his close family members are invited. I don't need the world to know i am married, as long as both families are aware of it. I definitely want to do photo-shooting but i don't need to have an album. I just want a few photos that i really look nice, and i want to wear something sexy (must keep fit first eh!).
I really think reception dinner is a waste of time and money. From my experience as a guest, more than half of the people attending are strangers to the wedding couple. I want one that is small, where i can entertain everyone, and warm, with full of sincere wishes for me. The only thing that i consider as a must is honeymoon!! And my honeymoon must include a stay in a resort.
But that is still a long way to go. Now, money comes first :p

Recently i'm soooo worn-out. There's never a day i come home without feeling tired and sleepy, even if i go to bed before 11 on the night before. I hate to think this way but i really got a feeling that i'm being overloaded. Now i have only 4 subjects (all new to me) and a lot of paper works now as a group coordinator. I can't imagine how will i cope when one colleague leaves in september and i have to take over 2 of her subjects, which are also new to me. Somemore, my HoD and another collague are leaving soon. They have started new things before they leave and expect me to look after and maintain the building while they're away. I feel worried that i won't be able to fulfill their wish. Is it normal for a new staff to run a programme?? New programme, new students plus a new, inexperienced teacher. I can't see any light for the future.
I don't know am i being pessimistic or they're too cheerful. Do they think what they started will be carrying on after they're gone? From what i have seen and heard, usually what happens is, out of sight, out of mind. Things change almost completely when a new head takes over.

I keep telling myself, i'm feeling exhausted because i haven't got used to working for 2 departments. Also, i don't mind if i am being overloaded. Look at it positively, i can learn many things in a short period of time. It's a good thing if i plan to change job in a few years time. I enjoy my work but i still don't think i can work for the current system for long. I notice too that now i'm more firm about myself. I dare to decline offer or request. Well, i have to, or else i won't have time to do my work.

I feel so odd. People dread to come to my school, but i applied specifically to teach in this school. People can't wait for their turn to further study but i don't have the desire to upgrade my qualification. I haven't seen the need to do that, don't want to go just because everyone is going. I just don't think getting a master will help improving my teaching now, except for the master in teaching. I actually think getting a diploma may help me more because what i need now is hands on, not theory. I hope next time i can be given a choice whether to go for master or not. Hope it's not a fat hope..

Mixed feelings

Thanks Mimi for your last comment. You never fail to comfort me *hugs* love you~ and you all too~~

the orientation went on well so far. Actually it wasn't that well. A lot of things we had overlooked. The situation is depressing now. People who want to do something about it have no right, while people who have the power to do are ignoring it, either they are too busy or couldn't be bothered.
Like i told one of my colleagues, next time people will see me running a department or a small unit of the department alone. What a complicated world. It makes me wonder does this happen elsewhere too? Do other countries do things this way too? Is the grass next door greener?
i can only play my part and hopefully things will change in september or october, when the big boss is back.

A sad news!
My granduncle who had been sick for a couple of months had just passed away 2 days ago. Once again, we lost an elder who deserves so much of respect. I couldn't go to Labuan to send him off for his last journey because the funeral is today. My sense of responsibility won't let me just hand over my duty for the orientation at last minute. My parents and grandparents think we all who need to work should go to work. One thing that stopped me from taking emergency leave is the tedious procedure for applying leaves when you work for the government.
Once again, i wonder where do people go after they die? I feel sad for losing an elder like him. He is a great man and I believe God knows all the good deeds that he had done. He seemed to know that his time was up soon. He had bought himself the site for his grave and his coffin a few months ago. So, things are a lot easier for his sons.
It's a taboo to talk about your own death for many people. But i think we shouldn't avoid it. Everyone has to die, sooner or later. But if we can plan for it beforehand, we can save the trouble for those who are still living. I actually asked my mom where she wants to be buried next time, just in case she prefers Labuan. If my grandmother found this out, she's definitely going to scold me. I really think, for people who don't have children, it's better to be cremated and no grave is needed. No one is going to clean it in the future.
Anyway, i'm glad that i did visit him on my last trip to Labuan. And i wish him all the best in the other world. Peace be upon him.

Ok, enough about that.
Last week there was a crash in my self-esteem. It just went down and down and down. Fortunately, i've managed to pick myself up bit by bit this week. I realized the best way to de-stress myself is to do my work. When i do my work, i feel less guilty. Also, completing my work gives me a sense of accomplishment and that boosts my confidence. Yeah, it's a positive feedback mechanism.

Dear is off to KL today for his exam. We had a conversation on sunday night and yeah, i confirm that his love for me is true. Haha *blushed but proud*
But i'm not such a good girlfriend. What will you say when your bf told you that you're the prettiest in his eyes? Well, what i said is, worriedly, 'but you're not the most handsome in my eyes oh!' Oppsss.. Should i be less honest next time?? I really appreciate his tolerance for me and my honesty plus my un-romantic-ness.

Time to do my work. I mean, to de-stress~
Wish everyone all the best~ xoxoxo

Tiring~

My arms and legs feel heavy now. I swam for 1 hour just now at the swimming pool in Tutong. It was my first time going there, after hearing so many negative comments. I decided to try it out myself so i went there with fook and my mom. Actually, i suspected that my mom went there to keep an eye on us because she didn't swim, just sitting there watching around and playing PSP.
Hope my body won't be aching too badly tomorrow because we've got cleaning to do and i'm bringing the students to explore the patch of forest in the school compound.

Finally today i've got my pay slip, meaning the money will be in soon. Hoo~~ i've been spending with tight pocket this month. But i'm glad that i've cleared out my debt with my dad. The good thing is, i've learnt to budget myself more effectively now. And i'm one step closer to my goal. Feel so proud of myself when i managed to pay for all the utility bills at home.

At work, it's getting stressful for me. I'm yet to find the best way to survive with my new routine and new cycle of colleagues. Words get twisted easily so i better be careful with what i say. People only see and hear what they want to. For me, it may be just an ordinary conversation but others call it a debate. Hmm.. I'm speechless. It's confusing, i don't know who is speaking the truth. So i just tell myself to remain quiet and do my duty. After all, i go there to work, not for social life.
I don't have lots of friends these days. Most of my time is spent at work during day time and i'm at home at most nights. Friday is usually grocery shopping with family and running errands. Weekend is for dear and occasionally wity old ladies. Sometimes when i surf through facebook, i'd feel that compare to others, i don't have a life. Well, i can look at it in 2 different ways.
First, I know that i'm not good with socializing so i keep it to minimum. Plus, i enjoy being at home most of the time. This is the part of me who likes to stay within my comfort zone. Plus, my sense of humour and the way i think don't seem to be logical to certain people (which i'm so glad that dear understands me)
Secondly, i'd think, should i make a change? So i can expand my networking with people. If i'm really not good at it, i should meet more people to improve. This is the optimistic part of me who likes to take challenge.


Sometimes i'll tell myself not to think too much. Start the day with an open heart and whatever happens, it is meant to teach me something so i can become a better person. There are many worries as i go along, worries about my family, worries about my working environment and worries about money. Does $2k sound a lot to you?? I have realized now that it's nothing if i have a family to feed. So i really wonder how do some parents with 9 kids, 10 kids, 12 kids or more survive.

Anyway, worry or not, what is meant to happen, is going to happen. All i can do is make good use of what happens to me. No matter what, i believe in the plasticity in people. We can always adapt to all kinds of situations.

I really think i need exercise, because my feeling-good hormones is coming down. Oh Oh~
Gambate, WeiWei!

Another week to go

..before school reopens.

Last week i started to work with another department, where i'll be doing servicing there. Wow! I was amazed. They are soo efficient, which i like it very much. If only i was posted there when i first joined wasan, i'd be efficient too by now, i hope. hmm.. now i believe that some people do have a right to despise colleagues who don't know much about their own duty and responsibilities. Because they themselves know their job so well that everything become so spontaneous. I wish i would be that alert and efficient one day, yet remember to have patience for the others.

These days i'm a bit frustrated at work. Things are going really slowly due to the fact that most people are on leave. Most people who i need to work with next sem. So, a lot of my work are stucked there because i can't do much without their guide and help. At the end of each day, it's like i do a lot of things but nothing is completed. That is very disturbing for me. I like to see my work done at the end of the day, not hanging in the air.

Well, i can still handle it. So nevermind. I can still finish my part, though not a complete one. That's life, i can't have things my way all the time. I just have to make sure i do my part.

Sometimes i surf through facebook and can't stop thinking, my god, it seems like i don't have a life. My life is revolving all around my work, my family and my dear. I seldom have time for partying or even hanging out with friends. Dear will always tease me for living like an elderly.
Hehe, i do admit that. Compare to most people of my age group, i am a bit too health- conscious and i think too much for the future. I almost never live at present alone. I will always make my decision based on how i picture myself in the future if i do this or that. I'm just so different from people around me, even my own siblings.
It can be quite lonely at times when no one share the same views as me. That's why i think teaching is the right job for me. My students are forced to share my knowledge hehe :p

It's getting late. Update more again next time. Take care old ladies. Goodnight

World Ocean Day

Yes, today is the World Ocean Day and i am very lucky to be invited (actually it's Wasan school that is being invited hehe ) to witness the event. The best part of the event?? I would say it's the boat trip. For the first time, i went on board a fishing boat, the one that do trawl net fishing. It's actually meant for Geography people but well, who cares about what subjects i'm teaching. Plus, i guess some of the teachers were too sea-sick to go move from ship to speed boat. It was a nice experience. Another highlight is where they showed us the coral reef through video cam, live. It was soooo beautiful down there, with about 135 species of lifeforms. Wow! We all should be proud of our sea and give her more love.
I think i can never be a good fisherman. I feel so pity to those fishes that were caught. They even caught 2 sharks, just not big enough to get excited about. I actually had the urge to throw the fishes back into the sea :p
Oh yeah, i also love the reusable bag they gave us this time. Very nice blue, not like the one i got from the ICE 2010 at UBD. It was a black one. Black is never my choice of colours.

While we're on the boat, i had a long conversation with my HOD. He explained the situation to me and why he doesn't encourage me to do personal-tutoring for more than 2 students. There is a high chance that i will have to teach 6 subjects, ALL new to me. Plus the duty and responsibility of GC (new to me too), i don't think i still have much time to prepare efficiently for the tutorial session. Maybe i can, but it won't be my best. Maybe the students can cope with the timetable, but they will have difficulty with the workload. After the discussion, we both started to think there will be more cons than pros if we allow them to proceed while repeating the failed units. Haih... more than 1 colleague have told me, sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind.
I strongly believe that we cannot do experiment with it because it's their future. And i guess i have to give in to the fact that there's a limit to the things i can do at a time. The teaching hour for the new sem is like more than twice my teaching hour now. I'm yet to find out whether i can cope with it or not.
I'll let the academic board do the decision, since they're all experienced people. But i'll just discuss it again with my colleague this saturday. From now on, i don't want to think about it.

My face is reddish now, need to do mask later. Thanks to our beloved Mr Sun.

I am so broke this month. Haven't fully recovered from my trip to taiwan. So it's actually a good thing that my new car is yet to arrive.
I'm proud of myself today for not getting too sea-sick. Drinking cola does help.

Till here. Take care old ladies. xoxoxo

*puzzled*

I almost asked them, what type of satisfaction does making someone's life difficult bring to them?
What is fun about picking on others? I feel so sorry for new people and i'm sooo guilty for not being able to help.
A lot of times, i'm torn between speaking up and staying quiet. Speaking up means helping others but at the same time, offending some people. Staying quiet means playing safe but guilty of not defending people who are being targeted.
Haih... to make matter worse, these 'people' are people with ranking, not the type of people to be offended.
I can only do what i can think of is safe for myself yet at the same time, help the others, even if just a little help.
Is that the situation today? So much of 'me', so little of 'others'.
I always think as long as we're working in the same school, we are 'we'. Unfortunately, some prefer to categorise 'we' and 'they'.
The working environment will be a much better place if only we all have more patience for others, accept people as the way they are and less personal feelings invovled.

Holidays have started for many. I take unpaid leave on this saturday too. But i'm not in holiday mood at all. There are so much works to be done, especially next sem, i'm a group coordinator and all the subjects i'm teaching are new to me. The good news is, 2 of my subjects are taken away by another teacher. Just that, if that teacher leaves for further study, i'll have to take over the heavier one between the 2. I might still end with 15 teaching hours. Then i have also agreed to personal-tutor 4 students who need to repeat my subjects yet proceeding to year 2. Extra work for me, in other words.
I don't really mind the extra work. Just hope they can pass it this time. I was struggling yesterday, whether to recommend them to proceed or don't proceed until they have passed the subjects. It's such a great pressure to recommend for someone's future.
I must say, teachers are very important and should be wise in decision making, because we can affect someone else's future.

I hardly fall sick and now, it's been more than a week and i'm still coughing badly. But it's improving, just very slowly. I think it makes sense. I look after myself well so as a result, my body is not used to counter-attack viruses or bacteria. At least now i know which muscle groups are invovled whenever i cough.

Hm.. what should i do for this long weekend? Oh gosh! I think i have the potential to become a workaholic. I wish i could go back to work on saturday but... no lah. I better take a break, before i start my busy schedule. Plus, i still think being hardworking is an odd thing in our society. I don't want to get so much attention.

Something to share..

I'm attending the 15th International Conference on Education (ICE) 2010. It is such a great pleassure. For teachers like me, who don't have education background, this conference is incredibly helpful. I've learnt quite a lot in these 2 days. Tomorrow will be the last day for me. There's educational visit on thursday but i'm not going. First, it's mainly for oversea participants. Secondly, i prefer to go back to school to finish off my work. Got some markings and mark entries to do before the course team meeting next week.
I like it when i'm sent to attend workshop or conference. DOn't get me wrong. I like it not because i don't have to teach. Actually, it brings more inconvenience than convenience. Because of this conference, i have to ask my colleagues to relieve my classes, have to bring forward or postpone things i want to do at school and miss the assembly tomorrow.
But on the good side, it motivates me and makes me feel more enthusiatic about my job. It's like, the more you learn about something, the more hooked on you become. Unfortunately, i notice not everyone appreciates the opportunity of attending conference. The registration fee is not cheap and we're sent there to gain new knowledge and meet people. For example, i'm ungrateful in a way that i don't attend the conference dinner. It's included in the fee and that is the best time to talk to those oversea presenters or participants. I'm yet to learn about networking with people. To compensate that, i make sure i get as much knowledge and information as i can during the conference or workshops.

From the conference, i realise that is so much more i need to learn. I need to acquire critical thinking skill, as well as higher order thinking. My goal is one day, i'll be able to ask the presenters questions or at least, give good and reasonable comments on their presentations.

Outside the hall, there is a stall selling motivation poster. I bought 2 (influenced by my colleague) that say 'Life may be short but it's really wide' and 'Only positive attitudes allowed beyond this point'. I'm going to put one up on my bedroom wall and one near my working desk in school. There are actually more to buy but i have to remind myself i have overspent this month. There's another really nice one that says 'Learn from the mistakes of others, you can't make them all yourself'. Isn't that true??
I hope tomorrow i won't be tempted to buy more posters or books there. Books are definitely worthed investing on but not so good to buy a few books that talk about similar things.
Spend money wisely.

I started to cough since this morning. Oh no... it's very disturbing when people are giving talks in front.

This friday i'm going fishing with my colleagues. Erm.. they are going fishing. I'm just going there to hang out. I still find it cruel to fish. I do eat fish but when i see the fish's mouth is pierced by the fishing hook, i just feel sooooo sorry for it. Imagine someone pierce your mouth that way. Oh gosh~ I just don't see the excitement in it.
Once in a while, i am thinking about going vegetarian one day. Well, we'll see.

That's all for now. Take care, old ladies.
*hugssss*

hmm.. hmm..

i'm feeling a bit lost, because dear is working in miri now. I'm not worried about this long-distance relationship (should i say short-distance?). Maybe because he used to study there before this. So, if we can survive through those 3 years, there's no reason we can't do it now. Plus, we can still meet each other every weekend.
I am clear that myself is the type of people who likes to do one thing at a time. For me, now is like i can do things i want to do like continuing my work or do some exercises at night on weekdays. Then when dear is back on the weekend, i can just chill with him. I'm also grateful that because of our situation, we're not the sort of couples who spend most of their time together. So it's quite easy for me to adjust. What i still can't fit in is, the way people look at me or talk to me when they found out dear is in miri while i'm here. 'Not very good for you,' they will say.
Well, i wonder, is there any standard way in how couples should date?

A colleague once said, when you keep defending yourself, that shows you're guilty.
I agreed. Because i realise the time when i keep explaining things is when i'm inconfident with myself. To explain is just for me to get more support. I need to feel that people agree with me.

So, when i keep assuring people that it's ok for me and dear to work at different countries, am i worried?
Hm.. no i don't. I'm not worried. The only thing that i need to get over with is, sometimes he probably can't be with me when i need him. But i'm quite an independent person, so should be alright.
Honestly, i feel very glad that we both are working now. Like, we both are doing something for our future.

Next semester, i'll be very busy. Will be teaching 6 subjects, 4 biotech and 2 fish. I'm not so worried about the biology subjects. But i do hope i can cope with the schedule and also the new subjects i'll be teaching, like the 2 fisheries subjects. They think i can teach, so i'll try. I don't want to question so much now because it hasn't happened yet. So, for this june holiday, i'm sure i won't be bored at work. Cannot afford to be laid back like last december.
I still want to see how far i can stretch myself, want to find out what is the maximum hours i can handle.
But i will try to blog no matter how busy. It provides me an opportunity to talk to myself. Through blogging, i can read my own mind better.

These days, a lot of words are going around. I try my best to stay neutral, not to be influenced by anyone. It's hard but when i realized i manage to do that, i feel accomplished.

at this stage, my expectation for myself are:
work hard, learn more, get healthy, more giving than taking

Hehe, the last one is a bit hard for me. I can be calculative at times. Like, i can be very nice to you but you have to reciprocate. Or else, i'll feel advantage being taken of me.
But come to think about it, at first place, i'm the one who offer to help. No one force me to do that. Hehe it's really hard for me to learn to give without asking for return. But i'll try.

I'm not trying to be a Yes Woman but i want to open myself to more options in life. Give everything a try because only then i can find out what is the right one for me.

Another monday

Yeah i have been quite busy recently, i think most of us are busy.
But don't worry about me. I guess, the more busy i am, the happier i feel. Busy means i'm learning something, or i'm productive.
I'm so in love with my optimism these days :p

Recently i keep hearing tales about hysteria cases in Tutong. Is that a coincidence or what?
For me, all forms of life are to be respected. Unfortunately, many of the people around me do not think so. I felt helpless last time when i saw the students playing the earthworms during the open day. But when my superiors also did the same, what was i supposed to do? I am still a freshie trying to learn how to behave in a world of office politics.

The Science department has moved in, or is still moving in. One good thing is, i get to work with more young seniors. I hope i can learn more things.

For some unknown reasons, i feel so tired today. So i'm going to sleep early. Forget about the stretches lah *guilty*

Dear is likely to start working in Miri soon. Very soon. I'm going to miss him...
Some people may think working in brunei is better because of our curency. But i think, as a freshie, gaining experience and knowledge is far more important than the money. After all, we're still young and fresh from uni, no one will expect us to be rich. Plus, money will come your way once you have lots of experience and knowledge. Of course, it all depends on what you want for your life. Everyone thinks differently. In my case, perhaps i never have any serious financial problem, so earning slightly less doesn't matter to me. I'm not saying money is not important. It's still important to be paid accordingly.
i just feel disappointed at times when i see people around me go after money blindly. Owning a branded item doesn't mean anything special to me. But apparently, to many of them out there, it does show something. I think that is very unhealthy and i hope i won't become one of them in the future. People change as time pass so one day i might become someone i am so despising now. Who knows...

Whatever it is, i hope i'll never forget to love myself for who i am. I always believe before you can love anyone, you must be able to love yourself first.

Recent thought in my mind: Maybe i should begin a LOHAS lifestyle.

Wow!

It's really a big WOW! I haven't got the time to read any of your blogs lately.

Ok, first:
CONGRATULATIONS MAMA! You've got the monthly-paid offer! Looking forward to your new car~ and mine too ;) Let's see whose car arrive first.

Then, i remember during my final semester in uni, i didn't fail the exam but it was just like failed to me. I had always been one of the top students wherever i went. So it was a bit devastating for me when i didn't do well for my last exam. I got a C for that and to the me at that time, C is just like an F. Somehow, i forgot that it's the journey that matters, not the destination. Now when i think about it, i'm glad that i encountered that before my graduation. It's like a wake-up call for me.
'Hey girl, you're not always the best. There are ups and downs in life, you're not going to be always at the winner side.'
Since then, it became easier for me to accept my faults and flaws.
But of course, i am so blessed that there's always someone by my side that will keep telling me that i have the potential, whether it's during study time or now in the office.
So sometimes i joke to myself. If all of them are right, then not bad huh. I have the potential in almost everything, such a genius!

Recently, i've been soooo busy. Preparing for exam questions, marking assignments and reports, moderating papers and interviewing new candidates.
I really have no idea how to judge whether a person is a good or bad candidate. I can only judge by my own intuition. I guess, when the school is new, with critical staff-shortages, that's the way to go. Young, inexperienced teachers interviewing future candidates. I wonder what kind of students i'll get next time.
These days i feel helpless. I just want to be myself. But sometimes, it seems like just being myself, not taking sides or not involving in any politics, is still offensive to certain people. These days people are so free, can think so much and so far.
Nevermind, i just have to keep myself optimistic. Because i believe good things only happen to positive thinkers. A pessmistic person can never realize how much he or she has.

I'm thinking to take up a Diploma course in finance or business. But i don't want to pay with installment. So i'll save maybe $200 every month until i got enough money to pay for 1 sem. I plan to study it at Laksamana. It's not accredited by Brunei here but it's recognized globally. If i choose to take BDTVEC courses, it's likely that i can get scholarship from the government. But, i think this time, i want to rely entirely on myself, just to make myself happy.

Oh yeah! I should learn to shut my mouth. It's sooo easy to start a conversation of complaint. I have come to realize that how fast and effective words get spread, be it spread within a school, outside the school or even the whole country. Brunei is such a small country and everyone seems to know each other.
Just shut up and do my work. The other day i was complaining to someone how frustrated i was at work. Then also told her i want to lose weight. She believed that i am not happy with my life.
I guess that's because her definition of happy life is different from mine. Don't worry people. I appreciate what i have in life and i enjoy what i'm doing now. But i do learn something out of this. When people don't think like you do, it doesn't mean any one of you are wronged. We just have to accept that in life, everyone is unique and should respect each other's uniqueness. Because that's what make life beautiful.

Hmm... i miss my yoga class. Miss the stretching actually.
Lastly, good news to myself! I have managed to lose 2 kg. Yea~

keep optimism going

Things are getting more and more 'interesting' at work. Sometimes i can't stop wondering, have the people up there ever bother to think for us, who work live and death for them?
I don't need to be an experienced teacher to know something is not right. But they seem like so persistent with what they think. Oh well.. i'll just wait and see what is the maximum hours i can teach in one week. I'll constantly remind myself that, just do whatever i can. Don't stress over things which is impossible to be done.
Like i told my colleague a.k.a my advisor this morning. I'm here to accumulate experience. Then I'll leave and go somewhere else. The system here just doesn't suit me. I feel so much restricted.

I used to think that, i'm a nature person. As in, i'd love to live in a rural area, enjoying the green view. I found out recently that i may be wronged. I actually quite enjoy life in a city, like taipei and melbourne. First thing, there is an efficient public transport system. Secondly, people and things are efficient. Thirdly, i can get lots of exercise in daily life just by walking ( I love walking). Fourthly, there are always people around yet i can do anything i like without appearing odd. People are just too busy to bother about me. I wanna go somewhere with 4 seasons.

These days, the goal i set for myself is to lose up to 1 kg every 2 weeks, until i reach my ideal weight. I've gained some eversince i started walking. Bruneians just love to eat. There is food in every single function, even after an assembly. I really don't understand. What i know is, there goes the staff fund. Hmm...

Ok, i better stop touching anything related to my work.
I've stopped my yoga class. But i try to do stretchings on my own every other day, to keep myself flexible. These days i'm not so into outdoor sport but i'd love to go swimming one of these days. We'll see

I better stop here, time to prepare to sleep.
Take care old ladies xoxoxo

Life is too short..

.. so i should try to look at everything positively.
Yes, work is very stressful now but that can also mean i'm learning more.

Experts claimed that when you keep exposing yourself to positive stuffs, you will become more optimistic and confident too. So, let me share with you old ladies these pictures. We all should be proud of our district for having such a lovely site, Tasek Merimbun Heritage Park.

Notice the reflection of the sky on the water? Isn't that amazingly beautiful? Even a skill-less camera girl like me can capture such a nice view, you can imagine how beautiful the place is.



I love taking pictures of flowers. If i'm not too lazy/busy, i'll post more pictures of flowers and greens that i took when i was in Taiwan.

THat's all for now. Hope you all like the pictures. Goodnight and take care xoxoxo

I'm still surviving

It's been a long~ time since i last updated. Not only that, i also haven't got the time to read old ladies' blogs. So sorry!
If you ask, am i that busy? Well, can't say i don't have the time to read blogs and write. Just that, when i have something to post, i don't have the computer with me. But when i have lappie with me, i'm not longer in the mood to post.

A lot of things have happened recently.
First, i was busy helping my colleague to train the students for Nasyid competition. Not that i know, but i can give some suggestions on their gestures, voice projection and so on. Also brought snacks and drinks for my students. And, they've got the first place among the other groups of students in my school.

THen the school holiday started, so was my vacation. Yup Yup! I have just come back from Taiwan. Erm.. i didn't really enjoy the trip because it wasn't as i wanted it to be. Too rushed, went to too many places till i didn't have the time to 'register' to my brain that 'I have been there'. I really don't call that as vacation. My ideal vacation will be, i sit down on a place and take my time to observe the people and things around me. Like what i did in Melbourne on my last evening there. It brings a sense of relaxation to me whenever i'm so free yet others are soo busy. I guess i need that contradiction to prove to me that i am on vacation.
So overall, i'm not very impressed with my taiwan trip, though i did go to quite a lot of tourist sites and ate like crazy there. Good news is, i didn't put on any weights. Should thank to all the walkings. Imagine out since 6am or 7 am and walked throughout the day until returned to where i stayed at 9pm or 10 pm.
I also drank lots of tea there, those that claim can wash off the oil and fats from food. The outcome? I got severe menstrual cramp last night *sniff* sniff*
I would say, Taiwan is a great place to visit. NIce scenery, nice people and nice price of food. But i won't want to live in Taipei, there are too many people there. I get stress-out easily when in a crowded and noisy place.

Ok, now is the sad news.
One of our students drowned in the water reservoir of the fisheries dept of the school. That incident happened on sunday (day before yesterday) and yesterday, the 1st day of school reopen, the whole school was clouded with mourning. I don't teach him but i know him. He'd always say 'Hello teacher' whenever we passed by each other. It was soooo hard to accept the fact that he's no longer around. I also feel sorry for the 3 students who witnessed the drowning. It must be a nightmare for them and i'm sure they're going to live with this memory for a long long time. One of them happened to be my student. I hope they can stop blaming themselves. It's an accident. The drowned student himself insisted to swim there at the water reservoir after so many people told him not to. I believe everything happens for a reason. There must be a good reason that God has decided to claim his life now. And i also believe that he had lived his life to the fullest for the short 17 years. So many people in the school like him.

Ok, enough of that. That has been the main conversation in school since yesterday. I feel very sad that he's gone and i can't imagine how he had felt when he was stucked under the water. I hope he is in heaven now and no more sufferings for him.

Another thing that troubles me lately is, i'm so fed-up with the office politics. I don't know who are friends, who are enemies. This person told me not to tell so much to that person, but turned out these days the 2 of them always go out for lunch together. What i hate the most is, they told me things and then asked me to keep it from someone. Do i look that trustworthy?
I don't feel flattered if the answer is yes. I prefer not to know anything because i feel guilty for not sharing the information, since it's related to work. Why can't they make things transparent? Or at least translucent? Why must each of them keep things in the dark? If it's related to the work, aren't we supposed to talk it out, instead of complaining at the back?
People asked, don't i have second thought about my job? I know some young instructors are thinking to quit. But for me, it will be the same, as long as you're working with the public sectors. So i never thought of leaving my school. I can't bear to leave my students behind. They're my first group of students and i'm also their first year teacher. I always feel that i have the responsibility to look after them until they have graduated.
I like teaching but too bad i can't just focus on teaching. Next sem, a lot of the teachers are leaving for their further study. I'll be the only instructor left for my department and i want to see the maximum numbers of hours i can handle per week. Challenging right?
So, no, i never thought of leaving my school. but i do think of leaving my country. If this is going to be how the system works, either i adapt myself to the system and become like the others, or i leave and find another place where i can learn and achieve more.

Oh yeah, Lizzy, thanks for the greeting. Haih.. i'm, as dear put it, a quarter of century old now. Can't believe i'm getting wiser so soon hahaha
I like the cockroach cakes. So cute~ Did you really try it?

happy chinese new year

i don't feel excited, maybe because my parents and fook have gone to KK for the celebration (i can't go) and dear's back to sibu. I am single on this year's valentine's day!

For the past 2 days, i've been trying to stay at home as much as i can. I hardly have the chance to keep my mind idle these days. Now is a good time. I start working tomorrow and the school is having an open day on the day after. Quite tiring to prepare for it but the good thing is, i enjoy it :)

Something has been on my mind for whole day. I hope it doesn't sound like a complaint or what.
I'm just wondering, sometimes we couldn't meet due to work, family or money-related problems. Will we regret for that one day? What if that is the last chance we can see each other?
I have to admit that i am a bit angry with some friends. We used to be close but how to stay close when there's no contact at all? Sometimes one of them will complain that i don't talk much about my problem. But where is that person when i needed someone? On holidays or off days, i do think of asking friends out. After all, my life doesnt just revolve around family, dear and work. I need friends too. Somehow, the thought of rejection makes me hesitating to ask them out.
We're not married, nor having kids. If we can't find a time to hang out now, does that mean things will only get worse in the future, when we start our family??
I don't expect myself to be the top priority in anyone's life but i really hate it when i don't feel appreciated. Anyway, maybe i myself have made others feel unappreciated too. I've probably let people down many times too. Who knows..
To me, nothing is free in this world. You want something, you have to put in effort to get it.
Friendship won't be forever if you don't give any attempt to keep in touch.

Sometimes i think i have changed to a person who expect something in return whenever i do things. Is it worthed to go? Is it worthed to help? Is it worthed to do?
I don't like myself that way. I am always thinking too much these days. That's why until now, i still can't make up my mind about which car to buy. Hyundai is definitely out of my list. I'm struggling between Kia Sportage and SUzuki grand vitara. I prefer the appearance of Sportage. Grand vitara looks clumsy to me (no offense). But getting the vitara would be much more convenient since ping works at boustead.
It would be so much simpler if i just follow my heart, do things i like to do, not things i should do.
I'm not so much a perfectionist but i'm too scared to fail. I can feel tiny bit of improvement in me. At least i admit to my students whatever things i don't know. But there's still room for more improvement.
I look forward to become a better person, someone simpler and more considerate.

:)

Yeah i know it happens everywhere that most works are given to the newbies. I guess my limit was reached when i wrote that post. A chinese senior colleague told me that when working with the government, we chinese must voice out when we're not happy or else we'll be stepped over.
I'm sooo glad that you old ladies have never treated us that way.
I'm yet to learn how to say no.
Dato told me must learn how to reject people, must not afraid of offending people all the time. Just do what i think is right for me. For me, that is easier said than done.
I think i am lucky to have a malaysian colleague sitting next to me. So from her, i learn the difference between the work culture of here and her country. It's always good when you can compare.

I am seriously deprived of exercise these days. But the good news is, my nephew is discharged from the hospital. I really really hope that there's no more hospital visits.

As for the car hunting, hmm.. i've almost done my decision. I'll go for Kia Sportage because it's $6k more than Hyundai Tucson. My uncle told me Kia shares the same type of engine with Mazda while Hyundai with Mitsubishi. But i'm not buying yet. Maybe will buy it after i come back from Taiwan in March.

Thinking about my taiwan's trip gives me mild headache. Have to spend money again. According to my original plan, my first vacation after i started working should be at least a year after i started. At least by then, i'd have had some savings.
Anyway, since it's my grandpa's wish to go there, nevermind lah.
I think i made a mistake about my grandpa's age. He's 77 this year.. not 60 plus.
Both my grandparents are 70 plus yrs old now. I appreciate the time i have with them. It's so obvious their healths have deteriorated these days. There's nothing we can do. Partly because it's a process of aging. Another thing is, they're quite stubborn, especially my grandma. She never likes to visit doctor, never follows doctor's instruction. Sometimes it can be annoying. i'd wonder, why can't she just give in to her health condition?
Like i know she's not doing the right thing but there's no way i can make her change her way.
I don't know what we're doing now is respecting her or ignoring her.
To my dad's side family, including my dad, visiting a doctor is like cutting their flesh. All they want is short term relief.
I am a health conscious person (i think) so their attitude really bothers me sometimes.

Urrgghhh~ i'm still in the shadow of one incident that happened last week in school. Forgive me for not being able to look at things positively now. I just wanted to help but... ended up in letting someone down.

not a positive post

this is just the first month of year 2010 and yet, a lot of things have happened, especially in the past 2 weeks.
My grandpa was admitted to the hospital for almost 2 weeks, due to urinary problem. I went to the hospital every day after work, spent 2 to 3 hours there before heading home. I am the only one who can make him go to visit doctors so i think i have the responsibility to look after him, no matter how tired i am. At the same time, i had to keep explaining to my aunt and my dad that the doctor has made it very clear that this type of things happens to many elderly people and it takes time to heal. I don't like people who will suggest many things but no action taken and too bad, i have too many of these people in my family. Can't they think before they say anything? Or they simply thinks that someone will do it for them? anyway, i'm glad that my grandpa has been discharged last night.
Just when i thought i could finally catch some sleeps this morning, i was told that my father wanted us to bring my grandpa to the private clinic. Haih.. how can you get healed when you don't trust the doctor? Just to be practical, my grandpa is 67 this year.. how fast can you expect him to recover? Why can't they just be more patient? Ok fine, if it pleases them, i would bring. And i did. And, we just paid $5 to listen to the same kind of things said by the doctor at the hospital.
Then before we left tutong, my sister called. My nephew is admitted to the hospital due to asthma attacks and fever.
Oh gosh! I thought the hospital visiting was finally over!

Things have happened in the school recently too. As a student, i am always optimistic about my country. We have a wonderful Sultan, we have caring government and we have all those free or subsidized facilities. Now that i started to work, i'm afraid that i'm losing my optimism.
I found out that people here are too much pampered that they don't seem to realize how much they have. Lots of NATO (no action, talk only) people, lots of people who will do the minimum to get the maximum. Just because we're new and we're chinese, people can just dump all the works to us? I mean, works that no one else want to do. I don't want to believe it but my colleague has a point. Racism does exist in work place.

Do all Asians generally avoid conflicts? Or just us Bruneians? My malaysian colleague always says things don't work this way in Malaysia. I'm grateful i have someone senior and experienced like her sitting next to me. She sometimes will tell me how the work culture in the west malaysia is and from what she said, i understand why brunei is not progressing. We're taking things too easily, as if the whole world will wait for us.
I'm looking forward to a work culture where everyone can just give their opinions honestly and everyone is professional enough to realize that, whatever your colleagues comments on what you do, it's nothing personal. But here, people just take things too personal and try to play safe all the time. So it's common to see a difficult or less favoured task being kicked around all the time. Funny, when they don't want to do a thing, they never say it. They'd just say 'i don't know' or just be quiet and pretend nothing is going on. A lot of times, we (as in the newbies and the chinese) do not know what's going on until the very last minute.

Of course, there are still people who work very hard and do not discriminate us. I'm aware of that.

It just puzzles me why these days people must live with a mask. I don't understand what;s wrong with saying negative things out? Will they be gone if we just pretend nothing has ever happened? Maybe it's just pure laziness. If you voice it out, you'll be the one solving it.
A lot of times, i;ve seen two people joking with each other, asking about each other's health but in actual fact, they don't like each other.
Like one of my colleagues put it, these days people don't like to hear good things about others.

Seriously, i don't know how long i can go on with this. i certainly won't want to adjust myself to this type of culture. I'm so worried that after some time, i'd become one of them, i'd lost my enthusiams, i'd work for the sake of money only.

Talking about money.. i'm going to buy a new car. With the type of road condition i'm going through every working day and the type of roads in the school area, i don't think my colt can take it for a long time. I'm open to all suggestions. People advise me to buy a big car, big as in KIA sorento or Hyundai Santa Fe. I tried to sit inside and it was nice. The car interior is comfortable, but not the price. Of course i can afford a $600 plus car loan monthly but i don't want to. I have to keep reminding myself just get what i need. I need a car that is taller than my current colt so i don't have to worry about flooding on the way or bad road conditions.
So at the moment, i'm considering KIA sportage and Hyundai tucson. Right size for me, and the price also more affordable.
My uncle said if i get tucson, might as well get sorento because i will soon find tucson too small.
Hmm... will i? So far, i'm happy with the size of my colt. Love it in fact. It's soo easy to park.
People usually say once you have family, you'll need a big car. I never buy it. What's the connection between the two? I'm sure i can still bring my kids out with a small car. It's not as if i'm going to have a dozen of kids. Big cars simply mean huge burden for me.

Hello 2010, Bye 2009

Happy New Year to all the old ladies!!
Hm.. didn't do much on my new year's eve. Went to Escapade for dinner with dear. While we're there, something went wrong so the service wasn't up to their standard. I felt pity for the staffs. They're running up and down to get things right yet still got shouted by few customers.
I told dear, i'm a good customer. I don't complain or scold if my order comes late. I don't enquire unless my order is more than half an hour late, provided the restaurant is empty. If the waitress makes a wrong order for me, i'll just take it without second word. But again, i am not a good customer. Because i'll spread the words among my friends and colleagues about what happens. Ooppss..

I remember there was one time when listing out new year's resolution is an 'in' thing. But now, it's just not the type of things i like to do. Have i grown old?? Maybe just wiser :p
My only resolution for the year 2010 is get healthy and i wish all my loved ones will be healthy and safe all the time too.
Health is really our greatest asset. So must take good care of it. So my first step is to lose few kilos.
It's so depressing to look at my flabby arms and dropping tummy now *sigh*

Today is the first day of school. Finally, the school feels like a school again, with all the students back. I'm feeling a bit excited yet nervous for my class tomorrow morning. Haven't taught any lesson since october last year. I hope i can control the class well tomorrow, though i never seem to do that before.

Last tuesday marked the first padi-planting experience in my life. It was sooo tiring. I was down on the plot for one morning only and my lower back and thighs ached for 3 days. Oh my god! To think that i just went hiking on the week before. To me, sitting for exam is nothing, compare to farming.

Oh yeah, i went hiking at bk shahbandar last and last 2 weeks with nining. So now i find bk ambok a bit not so challenging. Our highest record is 5 hills so far. I told dear that one day i'm going to climb all the 9 hills and his reply is, for your information, there are 12 hills altogether.
Is that true?? My goal is still 9 hills. Slow and steady bah.

THen, i also got my first bonus! Hehe. Not a full bonus yet but still very good. Because i need money now. We're replacing new curtains for my house living room, then also re-painting the outside of our house. I still owe my dad $4k for my car. CHinese new year is coming soon so more money is needed. My brother is saying we'll share to buy one water pump for our water tanker. Finally i can contribute to the family expenses. Tomorrow i'm buying my family dinner at the gerai. Look forward to it eh. Haha.. to think i said i want to lose weights :p