announcement

i'm going labuan tomorrow..
exam result not yet out..so slow eh...
lots of things to say..but..nevermind...
see you guys next year...Happy New Year!

midnight

went to watch king kong just now...i think it's a lot better than narnia...more exciting...quite sad though the ending...but i'm the type who always prefer tragedy...just wonder why that carl didn't die...he's the one who started everything yet he's alive till the end...this time i managed to hold back my tears...the ending very sad oh...if the king kong didn't fall in love with the girl..he wouldn't have to die...watching this kind movie always makes me feel embarassed of human...people do whatever they can just to get money and fame...even if what they do will bring harms to other...they always take other life forms for granted..

my mom went to labuan lor...next week..by the time lee shi is back..i'd be in labuan i guess..going there for a week..the trapping in ukong starts on 1st..but don't think i'll be back by that time..

i never really like talking with elders...especially my grandma, my aunt and my godmom..because i never know what can be said what can't be said...and most of the time i can feel the generation gap between me and them...with my mom, i can speak the truth and how i really think...but with them...it's so hard...i just don't click with them...
but i know..i should never avoid to talk with them..because they're my family...
sometimes i'm amazed by the magic of family bond...only my family can makes me love them even if i'm not happy wth the things they're doing...if my brother is just one of my friends..i'll probably black listed him...:)

quite late now...i've got to wake up on time tomorrow because i'm picking sharon up at 11..going lunch..shopping and massage..i'm so in love with body massage now...wish it could really solve my body pain and shape up my figure...but i'm still bit full...had supper just now after the movie so don;t plan to sleep soon...maybe i'll finish one novel...
i miss fook...he's coming back soon..on saturday...when i see him i'm going to hug him...sure will be very nice to hug..because i'm sure he's put on weight during his vacation in labuan...

:D

yea...my mom's coming back tomorrow...although she's going labuan on thursday again..it's nice to have more people at home with me..even for just one night..hehe :)

guess lizzy should have reached korea now...one day i'll go for vacation too...to destination that need few hours flight...hehe..i want to go japan..
just now recevied sms saying tomorrow's training postpone...good lah..or else i'll have to miss it..but tomorrow morning i don't think i can join mimi them at anna's place lor..unless my mom can reach home before noon...
wish to eat steamboat eh...but steamboat need a lot of people to eat together oh..if just me my mom fook..boring eh...but if too many people eat together..my house dining table is not big enough..

hey mimi you guys..save money now...so we can go to RBC buffet before we start studying..if can..we go red chili again to have steamboat buffet...
haha...guess i have to be more keen to jog lor...

i don't feel lonely anymore..my mom called..then my sis asked me to go over to have dinner..my brother wants to bring me out for dinner also...it's like..when dinner time come..everyone will invite me...and my sis, bro-in-law and eshyn have been here these two nights to keep me company...so i feel more comfort now..hehe..

again..

whenever i look at my sis, my bro-in-law and eshyn...i'm always tempted to start my own family....my sis makes me believe as long as you don't give up hope..anything can happen..and nothing can stop you from your happiness...
but then...i'm not my sis...my type of personality won't allow me to marry at early age and start a family before i'm financially affordable...and for me..giving birth is easy..but upbringing a kid is a huge challenge..too adventurous for me at the moment...hehe..

bit cloudy now..but hope it won't rain...because i'm going jogging with anna and mama..because i don't like rainy night...because i'm going to be alone at home tonight...i want 0% chance of blackout...i'm anti-black..never like darkness....i mean complete darkness...i feel insecure and can't breathe when there's 100% darkness...but hehe..i can see sunlight now...yea~
lizzy and mimi both in bandar so probably can't join us...

just now went to shop...bought myself a t-shirt and a dress...a dress oh people...hehe..i'm a bit fed-up with myself wearing jeans all the time...so willing to make a change...plus..next year i'll be 21..a significant age for us..i'm going to become a lady...how fast time flies...i'm saying goodbye to my teenage..hehe..wonder will i be still this erm..glad when i enter my 40s...
anyway..i'm thinking maybe i can start wearing some of the new skirts and clothes i bought for chinese new year...because there's no way i can wear them all during the chinese new year..unless i don't have to go to school...last time when i was younger..i never have problem with clothes..i just needed a few tees (XL size) and a few pairs of trousers..but now..i have more choices..so i always have more than enough clothes...i need more accessories actually...but..not compulsory...plus i better save my money up..been spending a lot for the christmas...

sometimes i do wish i could have a husband now...like..i already had bf...so i know how it feels to have one...but i never have a hubby..wonder how does it feel to be a Mrs instead of Miss...just a crazy thought of mine...

tomorrow night i'm watching king kong...these days can't find the food that can satisfy my taste bud....i dont know what i'm looking for...but i do know i'm looking for something that can make me feel surrender when i eat it...

i have bigger tummy now...thank god i'm not celebrity or else rumours about me getting pregnant will be heard lor...
hm...continue later if i got things to say..

home alone again

i feel like i'm abandoned lah..my mom has gone to KK..fook in labuan..lizzy going korea tomorrow..mimi probably in lawas soon.ping always goes out..ta jie seldom comes here when mom's not around...haih..all the VIPs in my life is far away from me eh...
not sure what time will mom reach here on wednesday...can't confirm with faye whether i can make it for the training..
i actually was a bit reluctant for today to come..because the moment i wake up..i'm already alone..
what to do today and tomorrow...hmm..maybe watch dvds at home..
maybe can do some exercises...i need to move myself because i'm getting lazier and heavier..
wish to go jogging ah~~~ but no companion..and i dont feel safe to jog alone..but if others can jog alone..me too right...

listening to new song..

went to a christmas gathering with my sis...first time eating turkey..nice..like roasted chicken to me..except that turkey flesh is harder..but i like it...really nice...but..as usual..i'm not familiar with the family so i just pretend that i've eaten enough lah..haha...i wonder who started saying eating only a little bit of the food is one of the manner of a lady...if that's the case..then i'm only a lady when i'm with strangers eh...

probably going massage again with meimei on thursday...i think i'm a good customer..because i keep recommending people to go there...first time oh meeting meimei eversince she came back from aussie..actually i still feel a bit guilty for not sending her off when she left last time..i also feel the same to goh oh..but don't think i'll let him know...we're off contact now too...but feel glad for him for his graduation...still a long way for him to go..

i need someone to talk to...but i'm choosy when come to sharing deepest thoughts...sms is not enough for me...and i don't talk to anyone...i only want to talk with people who already know about what happened..don't think i have the patience to explain everything from the beginning..
everytime..in the end i'll turn to jason...and he's always there for me...
i was bit shocked just now..because of something...what he said keeps replaying in my mind..can't remember for how long tht i never think about a thing for this deep..deep till i got headache...the timing between us is always mismatch..
pointless to talk about it now..because i already told him my decision...but i really wish to talk about it...because more things become clear in my mind...

saturday..

i've read her blog just now..hmm...she reminded me of the way i felt before..
because sensed the difference between me and my best friends..so thought i'm losing them..but i've got over that feeling now...now i'd say it's silly to feel that way lor...no matter how much a person change...friendship lasts...so i think i'd mistaken the less in contact as no friends..but now it's all over lah..

the massage is fun...i'd like to go again...i hope one day i can completely get rid of my shoulder pain...and really hope massage can really help me to shape up my figure..

lost the mood to blog liau..till here..

:)

there's a lot of things in my mind...but i don't know how to put them in words..just last night..i could imagine what i'll say to lizzy when we meet later...but now..i don't know how to tell her...since when i'm so used to keep the negative feelings inside me...haih...
really wish i could be like others...cry and laugh in front of my close friends...or maybe i'm jus too dependent on jason...
i'm not blaming nining..i just really think after meeting her, i'm affected...she kept reminding me about me and jason...keep assuring we'll be together again..keep asking me do i still love him..
she's trying to cheer me up..eventhough i told her i'm really ok now...
i don't know will we still have fate to be together..but..at the moment..i prefer not to be hopeful about it..even if got chance..that'll take a few years to come true..i don't wish to wait for something that i'm not sure will happen..don't want to love someone so close yet cannot be together..that'll make me depress..i really think the only way i can enjoy my life..can make time flies is by letting go of the feeling...if really meant to be together..the feeling will be back at the right time...if refusing to forget, that's not fate...
but...all this while..i just accept all the things he does for me...because i can't bear to reject him..and most likely...because i enjoy it too...
aint i a bitch...i let him continue to act as my bf but i just remind myself he's just a friend of mine...haih...

a fruitful day

i went shopping just now..bought a lot of gifts oh...although i spent almost $200, overspent actually, i'm still feeling great...it's really hard to stop buying when you keep seeing things that are cute and nice..
tomorrow going massage with lee shi...hope tomorrow morning is not too late to make reservation..i forgot to call just now...forgetful me...
hehe..i wonder my good mood tonight has anything to do with the fact that 2 persons today said me slim haha..
but i think i forgot to buy a christmas gift for myself...wish to have a new shoulder bag to use for school..though i just bought one this year..hehe..

lizzy...i love your new blog design....feel very...hm...don't know how to describe it...romantic..and soft..a bit surprise oh when i saw it just now...

sz..i thought you promise not to include my blog as your links...:

had lunch with nining today...she told me she loves the way i used to call her..ningning...but i called her that because i pronounced her name wrongly...she received a prize for her book this afternoon..congrats eh...she's an author oh...but her book is written in malay...so i never think of reading it...bad me..:p

i think i've hurt him...and i hate myself for that...although i know hurting him is inevitable..
i really hope i could've handled it better...haih..
actually i'm selfish..and hypocrite...i don't want him to be too nice to me...but aint i doing the same thing to him too...haih...

correction

i said the name of the skincare product wrongly...not bioglo or something..it's blanc de blanc...hehe

hey sz..don't luan luan think..me and him are really friends...perhaps we're a little bit more than friends at the moment..but it's definitely not couple..

don't worry lah lizzy..i'm ok ah...i know i'm fatter now...even my mom's friends said so ah..as for the scale..i usually don't trust it 100% because the weight is affected by other factors..like hormonal changes...i don't go on strict diet...don't do work outs excessively...i still eat what i like..just limit the amount nia lah...i'm taking my time to shake the feeling of 'i'm fat' off me lah..i know too slim isn't a good thing...but i just don't like to feel i'm fat...
oh yeah...study showed women with pear shape..that is more fats on the legs and lower body..show lower risk of heart disease oh.. so people, proud of your big legs and thighs..if you have them..

i think i'm the type who like to stay at home..even if nothing to do...
tomorrow going lunch with nining...long time didn't see her..miss that girl...wonder how much has she changed..she's getting hot these days i suppose...
last night bee gave me ken's msn.. added him...and this afternoon..i realized it's not chee ken..this ken she meant is kenny..hehe..big misunderstanding..but they're so sweet...their nicks in msn are the same oh..and from the way bee talk about them..seems like kenny dotes on her a lot oh...sweetttt..hehe...glad to know my friend has such wonderful lovelife...

...

in the end, i didn't go for my facial treatment..my mom postponed it to tomorrow morning...can't say i'm not disappointed about it..because i've been looking forward to it since last week..well..
i'm ok now...thanks to jason..he always cheers me up...

i haven't got bored of my holiday...yet...although i do nothing every day except watching tv, online, eating and sleeping..oh god..i still haven't shed off those extra pounds..
just now in the afternoon..while i was thinking how to slim down...out of the blue, a question hit me..why am i so anxious about my weight...i mean...do i need to lose those weights in order to be adorable?? my conclusion is...my mind is just too free..plus..holiday is always the time i care for my look...
i need to learn how to shape my own eyebrows..

there's something i find interesting..and like to share with whoever reading my blog...
year is ending..2006 is coming...i bet a lot of people will make a list of their new year's revolution...here..i've got 21 new year's revolution..which you should never make..according to CLEO:
1- i'll cook proper meal every night.
2- i'll get a personal trainer to monitor my fitness.
3- i won't let PMS get the better of me.
4- i'll have more sex! (hehe :p)
5- i'll exercise for 30 minutes every day.
6- i'll think positive all the time.
7- i'll be in bed by 10pm every night.
8- i'll never shout at my family again.
9- i'll never drink alcohol again.
10- i'll do more for others.
11- i'll give up snack food.
12- i'll go to the gym every day.
13- i'll stop buying things i don't need.
14- i'll only buy fresh food.
15- i'll give up chocolate for good.
16- i'll give up all my bad habits at once.
17- i'll do 100 sit-ups a day to get a flat tummy.
18- i'm going to lose 5kg by month-end.
19- i'll be more organized.
20- i'll keep in touch with all my friends.
21- i will get thinner thigh.

i just realized one thing now..it's been a long time that i didn't go to any party...so..if anyone now invites me to party..such as christmas party, new year's eve party and bla bla..i'll probably crack my head for deciding what to wear...but i enjoy the dilemma...like to go through all those selecting clothes, earrings, bracelets, bags and shoes processes...

i still haven't worked out the plan for my christmas and new year's eve..

my weekend

last night went to watch Narnia with jason...
i know..in others' eyes, we looked as if we're couple...but..really...friends can watch movie together too..can go out and have dinner...right?? we know what's between us know..so people, stop guessing..especially you swait zin :p

not bad ah the movie...i like the beavens...and..i wonder..most of the time..lion is pictured as king and someone nice...seldom the bad guys..
narnia...not the kind of movie i'll watch for the second time lor...still thinking shall i ask anyone out to watch king kong..

my mom's going to KK soon..which means i have to look after this house again...dr charles advised me to stay in hostels when it comes to third and forth year..because we're gonna need a lot of library works..and i was thinking maybe i should...so when i wish to be alone or not bothered by anyone..i've got at least a place to hide..i hope...plus...now i have some friends staying in hostel..would it be rude if i don't join them often?? it seems like a tradition kind of things that friends who stay in hostel always gather together...but if me..that's a no no because it'll delay a lot of the assignments...especially for people like me, who need some time to finish one piece of work...

most of the things my family do for leisure aren't what i'm interested in...but..once in a while, i'll like to take part too...i guess it's because my interest only comes once in a while..so they tend to forgot i'd wish to join them too...so a lot of the time, they just count me out without asking me..and can't believe i only realized this today...i'd always been thinking that they take me for granted...feel guilty for that...ungrateful too..

tomorrow i'm going for my facial treatment...bit looking forward to it...
and i think i've found mates to go jogging...god! i bet i've put on quite a lot of weight...although the scale didn't show that..i just know it...from the clothes i wear and the way i feel...and i just had my supper just now...oh my god! i'm supposed to be keeping fit all this while...or else i won't be able to fit into those skirts i've bought for the coming chinese new year..
so gambate to keep fit eh..

i'm still thinking how to spend my christmas...and then new year's eve...hmm..

something to share:
lemon juice is believed to immobilize sperms if the juice is wipe on the vagina before sex sex..but this way of contraception is still not scientifically proven..
in thailand, human trial is currently undergoing to see if lemon juice can really kill HIV...

home alone

i forgot to mention one thing that happened on wednesday...i got stopped during a road block..because of the sunshield at the back of my car...first time eh...only remember it when my aunt called this morning to ask what happened...someone must have told my cousin about it..and my cousin told my grandma...made my grandma worried...big mouth eh..

spent my whole afternoon home..sleep while watching in her shoes...not a bad movie..about sisterhood...then also finished reading CLEO...starting with FEMALE soon..

i feel grateful..because a lot of people have been caring to me...my mom called at least once a day while she's away to make sure i'm alright...the first thing she asks will be am i alone...then my sis offered to stay the night here tonight...although i think with her eshyn around, it'll be too much trouble :P hehe..but my niece has angelic look..which makes everything not a problem...we all agree that eshyn is a devil with angel face oh...then i remember everytime for field trip..dr charles will ask if i'm alright..while on he way to the field and on the way back...maybe i'm the junior...and of course..no matter what happen..jason is around...and mimi is a call away..i remember that oh mi...hehe...also lee shi will be there for me to consult whenever i need advices....and i think swait zin has been trying his best to help me to get out of the loneliness...

actually swait zin...i think i was wronged...i have friends..all the time...but it's just me and my laziness that made me misunderstood that i'm alone...how can a person be lonely when she has so many cares and loves around her right...

i realized oh...during holiday...i can stay at home for days without stepping out from my house oh...just like..on the first day i got my exam...my car felt so strange..as if i hadn't been driving for ages...

i'm waiting for the 10.30 series at channel 38 now...it's so nice the story...typical though...a bad guy and a good girl fell in love...the guy called himself devil...so that girl is the angel that comes to rescue him...but a bit complicated..because their parents are marrying with each other soon...so soon they'll be siblings...
like other girls..me too will dream of me, as a gentle and nice girl, fell in love with a bad bad guy and from then on..the bad guy starts to behave himself because of me...hehe...daydreaming..
but i know..in reality...i usually wont go for those 'bad guys'...just like jay zhou...i think what makes him so popular among girls is partly the mysterious and that hard-to-tame feeling his appearance gives people...sometimes i do think jay is better looking than pan wei bo lah..
because pan wei bo...ok ok lah his face..but then..looking at him makes my heart beat faster...
like his voice...and his dances...but im not so into rapper...he's an exception..hehe..

mom's away

thought i could make it on time to go to labuan with my mom today...in the end..turned out that she went to labuan earlier than she said she'd go..anyway..i'm a tiny bit disappointed but it's ok..i can go there by myself one of these days...since i'm free and a lot of my friends are going abroad..plus i wish to travel alone for once....yup..i've been thinking about that since a couple of days ago..i'll save and then go for vacation alone...

this morning i joined dr charles group and we went back to the forest in ukong again...only till then i know why people get lost in the jungle easily...the forest seemed so different from the way i remember it was...i dont think we can still remember our track without the transverse line..
i cant wait to see the pictures and video taken by the camera traps...should be interesting..

yesterday we went to the mall..me, lizzy, mimi, anna, mama and hannie...lizzy's sister also watched the movie with us...i like her hair..looks very healthy and long...i like the way most of you interact with your family...because..as far as i can remember, i never fight with my siblings eversince secondary school maybe..or maybe before that...we kids never joke with my father...with him, it's always one-sided communication..he talked and we listened...i mean...i'm very polite and formal when with my family...since young...maybe that's why i feel tired sometimes when i'm with my family...feel like..too many things to take care of...
ok...i was supposed to talk about yesterday...we watched movie..a horror one...that is like..the first horror movie i watched since ages ago...because among all the movies available, only horror movies haven't been watched by all of us...and i feel bad if we don't watch it just because of me alone...but i won't tell people i watched the fog...because i didn;t really watch...i was just listening most of the time...and one more thing..when all of us get together, it's always eating, eating and eating...but it's really fun...i had a great time yesterday...time with them are always filled with laughters..we joke about anything...

need to trim my hair..it's going out of shape...i checked my bank account yesterday..and well..2 months allowances have been out..which demotivate me more to work...i just found out today that we dont have to go to the field anymore this year...but..since i already told my godmom that i can't work for her...i'll just enjoy my holiday..get enough rest...get myself fully charged, ready for next semester....plus i dont plan to do too much thing for my hair now..because my hair falls a lot..so i better avoid any chemical process to my hair before i turn bald...
but i'm planning to spend money on my skin product though...thinking to change because i'm fed-up with greasy skin...guess i'll go to the place my mom always does her facial...not sure what's the name of the brand...something bioglo and bioglo...or what..the logo is 2 small b facing opposite sides..i hope it won't be too expensive...but i guess it won't harm to spend a little bit more to make myself looking good...wish i could have crystal clear skin...everyone wish i guess..

i think i'll take a nap...feel tired...and i've got lots to read..novels, magazines, journal...i'll just go to the saloon tomorrow...mom's not home..fook's not home...so i'm not cooking...maybe just try to survive on something simple...let's say...crackers and milk...or...sandwiches...erm..well i'm not a bread person...
sometimes i think i'm bit too harsh on myself when it comes to spending...but still i spend a lot..hmm...we'll see...
ok..i'm sleepy now...though i still wish to go out..

girls' hangout

spent the whole afternoon at anna's place..watched 2 movies..and some gossips...
lizzy...you're right..the ending of the movie is predictable...her mom came eventually and she astonished the audience...but she still lost to her colleage...but she won a kiss from teddy..hehe..
love to spend my time like that in th afternoon...friends are the best medicine when you lost your bf...
tomorrow we're going to the mall to watch movie again...
today been eating a lot of fried chickens and junk food...should try to eat less tomorrow..

going for fieldtrip on thursday...looking forward to that..after all those i ate this afternoon..and probably tomorrow...exercise is what i need..or else i'll be sooo~ guilty and worried...i can still feel the fried chicken in my tummy..

i'm happy...because the feeling that 'i'm-so-lucky' has come back to me...it never leaves me..but has been weakened for the past few weeks..i'm glad it's strong again...

hmm.what else i want to say...forgot lor..

new specs

had a new specs lor..this time it's not more frameless...erm...i don't really know how to judge whether nice or not...but my mom, siau and ah jiau yiyi said it suits me..so..well..
my degree has increased quite a lot...that's why need to make a new one...the old one only gives me a blur vision...have to remember not to lie down while i read..and never never read when tired..as for those microscopic things...cant avoid much lah

because of the specs...i spent most of the money on specs...and another half on cds...finally got my pan wei bo's album...got his pictures...soooo~ cute...and charming..just like usual...erm...no..more charming than before..hehe...he'll be an ideal bf...but i won't want a bf like that kua..too 'dangerous' liau...

getting broke now...but look forward to tomorrow's hangout at anna's place..

i think for people like me..who go to miri only once or twice a year..B$300 is minimum amount i need..till here lah..need to shower lor

hehe overall..i'm excited with what i've bought today..

this sunday..

had lunch nihon no ryori with swait zin just now..talked a lot..because my mouth was tired..hehe...we spent about 2 hours at the restaurant there...then also thank him oh for walking around with me to look for a phone...

yup..finally i've bought myself a new mobile phone...this time..quite cheap $198..because only got basic function of a handphone...nothing special..what attracts me is it's look..as usual..hehe..and it's not a nokia oh..it's a sony ericsson again..what to do...i only have a budget of $300 and none of the nokias look nice to me..

i have extra money left..so can buy a new pair of sneakers...and more clothes..thinking to buy a dress this time..hehe...become so girly oh me...

went lim teh with bee yesterday after exam...i left very early for the nihongo no exam oh...i wanted to leave early..so i can finish my exam early...we had a long talk...envy her love life with her kenny...they're so sweet..and i feel great to know i can talk so much with an old friend..

swait zin was right...i got a lot of friends what...problem is...not all friends are comfortable to talk with ah...i like to talk with people who won't gossip lah...so the gossip will end from him or her..

i'd like to apologize to someone...i'm sorry...for being so childish...hope you won't mind...
maybe you don't know i'm refering to you but...that's it lah..:)

also went lim teh with uncle and suaike just now..this morning...one thing good about going out with uncle is..he'll drive...i didn't ask him to drive oh..he paid for the meal also...but because of him..i need to work lah...or else i plan to not working this holiday...big-mouthed uncle...in front of my godmom he asked you don't want to ask her to work for you....when my godmom said she doesn't have enough cashier...when he said that..how can i pretend that my godmom has enough helpers and no need further help...bad bad uncle...so i'm not grateful for his treat at all..plus..he disturbed my sleep this morning..if not because of him..i'd have slept more this morning...

one more to go

i would say...out o the 8 exams (including practicals) i'd sit for...the animal bio written exam was the worst...but i did manage to answer all questions...and i saw quite a few people left early for that exam...last exam is always very demotivating...
but it's not my last...it's my second last..but i feel as though i've finished all...because my mind automatically register that all the difficult exams are over...so i feel very tempted to go wild..hehe..nevermind i'll just my revision tomorrow..
and i'm not going to go near the scale..i'm sure i've put on weights...because i eat a lot..it's exam time..so keeping fit is out of my mind...most of it lah...

meimei is back...she's saying we can hang out after the exam..and i think she means all of us..
maybe can organize a reunion or something...we'll see..
haven't told my godmom that i wish to work for her...maybe tomorrow lah..hope she agree..

my mom has gone to miri...i don't really like it when i reach home and find no one's at home...
so i guess i'm not the type of people who can live alone...because i like to have people at my place..

i think i've put in more effort in this exam...because i think i look awful every day..with dark rings, pimples...today my lips started to crack..and been having mouth ulcers since revision week...and i always feel exhausted after each exam...tuesday was the worst...i don't longer think it's fun to have 2 exams on the same day..although i feel very accomplished that i've made it....it's just exhausting because both exams need me to memorize things...
but i think the most tiring one will be my right hand...so many things to write...but it's better than nothing to write lah..

a lot of things i need to buy....i think i'll make a list..so i won't miss out anything...

...

it's not a good way...but it's become a way i use to avoid getting hurt..maybe by doing so, i let a lot of people down..and let the problems piling up...haih...
i really feel sorry about that..but i just wish to protect myself..be it temporary or permanent...
ish...this kind of feeling is not unfamiliar for me..wish to do something, at the same time, afraid to do it...like what stephanie sun sings, because take part whole-heartedly, so can only give up..
maybe i'm just running away from the fact...wrong or right...i don't know...i just do something which won't make me feel unpleasant...just try to stay away from something i feel threatened..

lizzy..i don't know if you've sensed it..but i hope you won't misunderstand...i'm not angry with you...i just feel bit scared to talk with you...god knows when do i start to become such timid...sorry oh...i just...hm..don't know how to say lah...can't think of any specific reason but just follow my instinct...i'm always like that..do something just based on my feelings without knowing what i want from it...i know...i'm such a mess...
at the moment..i really don't know what i want...or maybe...i just pretend that i don't know...so won't feel so disappointed since i can't have what i want..

but nevermind...no matter what..i'll gambate...and live my life nicely...with my strong belief that one day i can meet that someone or some people who is/are compatible with the new me..:)
life is already a bless..

i can't wait to finish my exams...but at the same time, enjoying the way it makes me feel...get nervous and study hard before the exam...slight panic just before the exam...concentrate fully during the exam, cracking brain to give my best answers...and the best part is, a big relief after handing in the testpaper...

forgetful

today is not a good day for me...i woke up in the morning because one of the protruding metal oon the bed scratched me..get sore when it's wet...then i forgot about my yellow slip..and only realized that when i reached UBD..felt so tired of driving..i never like driving..when i drove my car yesterday to go to uni..i felt strange..i wouldn't mind biking..but not driving..how nice if uni is somewhere near and i just have to walk...
then..found out today that the field trip in december is postponed..hm..thought i can get some new experience...nevermind..maybe i can work..at gs if my godmom agree..
i need job..need income..so i can go to saloon in bandar for my hair..

i like practical exam...i think..i'll be very happy if i can do well in practical exam..it's more difficult to score than written exam..
and i tend to stay away from classmates before and after an exam...because i get affected by people easily..so i'll get nervous..infected by them :p
i'm still thinking should i give tuition next semester...2 persons have been asking me liau...maybe i'll just accept..but i told them it's all depend on my timetable..then with the volunteering in janurary..hm...i'll see..

after exam..i want to go shopping~
hmm..after the practical on saturday..the remaining exams would be easier for me..because it's all written exams...easier to revise..can't wait for my nihongo exam..now i thank the person-in-charge for putting my japanese exam on last day..i normally screw up my last exam..but this time..since it's something i really like..maybe it'll be different..

it's like..no matter what kind of personality a person has..that person can always find his/her other half oh...someone who can suit him/her really well...amazing world..

stormy night..:s

this afternoon was my first exam...and i realized one thing when i was thinking during spare time in the exam hall..i love exam...yesterday i was nervous..for the first time in uni..i felt nervous and panic for an exam..because it's computing..something i'm not good at..people keep telling me not to worry because you just have to answer based on general knowldge..what they don't know is..that's what makes me worried...my general knowledge is sooo limited and my common sense is different from others' most of the time...
just now on my way to school..i felt excited..like..finally my turn for exam...
i'm always slower than other people..last and this semester, people start their school week early in monday morning..but me in monday afternoon...and now exam...people start on first day, mine started on second day..and end up finishing last on saturday next week..afternoon lagi tu..
anyway..the schedule is fixed, can't do anything about it...but hmm..i'm more concerned with what to do on next saturday night..
should i sleep at home? or should i go out for a movie and dinner or something??
rationally i think i should rest..because the field trip will be starting on the following monday..but..see how lah...
i can read novel at home too...with chinese novels around..i can skip meals and sleep...that's what i did oh last..saturday night..i read novels till 5 in the morning..6 novels in a go..i can only said i felt damn good with that..hehe..
ok lah..have to sleep or do something else lor..don't think i can remember any more scientific names of plants..maybe i'll try to memorise again tomorrow..at the moment..i do remember more...ohh..thunder again...need to log off liau

hm..3 more days to exam

lizzy..hope you're feeling better...and all the best...not for your exam lah..*hugs*
there's a saying in chinese..ai mo nen chu....i feel it now..meaning you'll love to help but there's no way you can...
sometimes i don't like him..because he makes you weak...and don't know..don't like the way he treats you...but..sometimes i like him...because he makes you more erm...not-lizzy...but most of the time i don't feel anything about him..so don't worry :p

hey swait zin..are you in brunei now?? i guess so...let's meet after my exam..if you're free

i've started my revision..supposed to start even earlier..but nevermind..at least i'm progressing..
it's much easier for me to revise while i'm chatting...because i'm not fully concentrating so less tendency to feel sleepy..that's the only reason i can think of..those people who suggested revision week ah..haih...don't they know after busy for so many weeks..giving a week break for us will only make us relax instead of study?
i like the song chi pang by JJ..always soothe my mind...because of this ringtone, i feel reluctant to return the handphone to my mom :p

these past few days...jason and i talked a lot about our relationship..and i think now we're clearer than ever about our situation now..we still chat now very often...he still cheers me up when i'm feeling down...still share some of our thoughts....and i feel very comfortable with us now...and feel more..natural to let people know we're not longer together...

i like to see Lindsay Lohan...she's pretty and hot...though i think she looks older than her age.. guess that's just typical of westerners...but the CLEO very bad eh...they considered Lindsay and Hillary Duffs can't sing...

i wish january can come faster..so i can do something with my hair...plan to dye it..and this time i believe i have more guts to say what i really want with the hairstylist..

i've found myself a new dreamguy..after justin timberlake...hehe..my new dreamguy is~ Pan Wei Bo...he's sooo cute...eheh..but i don't like to see him in pictures...he looks a lot better on tv.. dance well too..hehe...

people i'm craving for thai food now...i want to go eat thai food, japanese food and korean food after the exam eh...want to save up for facial treatment also...the last time i did facial was like..before the last chinese new year...so next time will be before the coming chinese new year..
and i think i need more clothes...although i already have 7 or 8...i think i'm going to need quite a lot for my hair since i plan to do my hair in gadong...can't get offer prices like i used to get in aunt emi's saloon...
but i don't feel like working in december...erm..well maybe for 2 weeks...after the trip in ukong..hmm..we'll see..

i'm fine

don't have to say sorry or feel guilty lizzy...honestly...after so many times...i can
t longer figure out who's to be blamed..me or friends??

after the post in the afternoon...i treat myself with instant noodles..added other ingredients which i think more calories too...but nevermind...i need something to make myself feel better...then watched 'mean girls'..mimi's wrong...not much sexy scenes there...but some messages are conveyed...i like that one 'you don't have to pretend to be dumb to get a guy to like you'...and i think sometimes i'm like one of those girls..who get so paranoid about their figures...i do think about the calories sometimes..but i still eat...getting extra calories is nothing compare to hunger pang attack..
so after the movie..i feel..back to normal...
since i doubt the same thing won't happen again...so might as well find a way to live with it...
plus..if i talk more about it..i'll be talking ill of tek ying lor...so..no no..she's a nice girl...we're just not that clicked...i guess..and i'm a bit biased...because i find excuse for lizzy but not her when i'm upsetted..
good or bad...i'm not despair, yet...because i still think no matter what..i've got jason to turn to..

i've arranged the pile of papers..so i can start with my revision any time...but i'm in holiday mood eh..eversince the hari raya holidays...i feel sooooooo reluctant to touch my books..that's why a lot of the things are pused till last minutes..which of course won't be good..because i'm not a lastminute person..

sometimes i wonder...do i really enjoy being busy?? or maybe when i'm busy, i won't be reminded that i have very few friends? it's silly..sometimes when i think of...indirectly, i'm trading with those people in class...trading for informations and updates about lectures or what...how sad..
but i'm glad i stayed till the end just now..for chem revision class..i was very tempted to leave early...and i know i gave lizzy a very miserable smile just now...
well..it's not a rule that uni life must be happy and exciting..plus it's just my second year...still have 2 years to go..or maybe more..

as usual..i'm not thinking about the exam...my mind is more focus on the coming holiday...i'm thinking to join the field trip in the first week only...so i have 3 weeks plus to rest...enough time to make me get fed-up with holiday i guess...
found a lot of mosquito or insect bites on my legs..scratches too...temporary souvenir from the trip...
and i found out that..dr charles remembers i'm jocelyn..after the trip on sunday...

i know i like biology..i enjoy studying it..but sometimes i'm confused..is bio something i'd like to do for my whole life?? probably not...i still wish to have my own shop next time...a place for people to relax and soothe their minds...i think i have that ladyboss' characters...or maybe i'm just still too young to be humble...

swait zin is coming back this week? or next week?? eh don't be a copycat...don't copy my style of blogging...unless you buy copyright from me ah :p

not a good post

i feel...furious? miserable? upset??
i got zero for my assignment with dr linda...nt because i didn't do..not because i didn't want to hand in..no one handed in during that lecture..dr linda didn't ask for it..so i assumed no need to hand in...and only found out this morning that almost everyone had handed in...when dr linda asked me just now in the class...i felt...numb..didnt even bother to tell her i did do the assignment...what can i say anyway...said because i thought my friends didn't hand in so i didn't hand in?? it's not longer back in school right?? when your friends don't want to hand in..or can't hand in..you also follow them..so when the teacher ask about it..the responsible is shared...
why am i still crying about it..since it's not the first time..already told myself to be self-dependent...not to expect anything from anyone...haih...
people i trust..people i consider close with me....more than 1 in the class...still i'm not told about it...it's been more than a handful of times when i dont know what's going on at all in the class..because of jap class..i'm late to class sometimes...just within those few minutes i missed out a lot of information...and only found out at last minute..or sometimes after the thing is over...
when i first felt this way..i thought it's because i don't share with them for what i know..so i tried to make sure people around me know what i know...i try to pass the message all around the class...especially those i feel closer....but still i get disappointed often...
ok..got improvement lah...at least i'm told that thursday got a revision class with dr chan..and i know most of the duedates or class when any changes..
maybe i should be content with it...maybe i should think harder what did i do to deserve this..
but..it's hard not to think...not to think i'm like a fool..goin around to share with people but in return....why am i the one who people tend to forget...im not worthed remembering?
i refuse to think it's wrong to expect what i expect people to do for me by treating them the way i want them to treat me...
i hate this...when this kind of things happen...always makes me to doubt myself...
i bet this year is not a good year for me in terms of relationships...
haih...
in the end...i can only say...i'm silly

back from ukong

my legs feel so weak now..but it's worthed going..i mean the trip...feel a bit accomplished too because i did help in setting the traps...good to refresh my memory from patoi....it's so interior..i wouldn't have known about the place if i didnt join this trip...and i like working with them...all the people are like one big family...and dr charles is the old man...though he called himself the boss...the forest is more primitive than the one at bk patoi...more difficult to travel in there too..lots of thorns...and i thought many of us would be there...turned out that me and saiful are the only 2 2nd year students...maybe that's why they kept asking me am i alright...asked me to rest, sit down, drink and eat..

later going to dudi's place...in the end i can't join either group for raya...we came out from the forest at around 3...then dr charles brought us to lunch...i reached home slightly before 5...it's a good thing that mimi them still in bandar..so i can rest first...tonight i should sleep early again..so tomorrow can start my revision early...
i really admire fae and mardiha...they know so much about the trappings...and faisal actually remember the scientific names of each animal he saw...and some of them can identify animals from the sound the animals make..
thank god mizah didnt come..or else she sure can't make it on time to go back to prepare for her open house...but she miss the fun too kua...
and i think dr charles is very impressed with saiful...he said saiful is very active...and haslina said he's very efficient...
wonder how did they think of me...hope i didn't spoil anything eh...because it's mardiha;s project..

maybe i should take a nap...but then i'll look sleepy or awful eh if i sleep..already become fatter then with sleepy look again..worse eh...

lizzy just sms me...hehe..i notice these days oh..i get happy out of the blue...just because i notice me and lizzy think or say the same thing...only difference is she said it out..but i said it in my mind...and now...just when i think to sms her after this post...she sms me lor...:)

it's been 2 days...wonder how is he...he's coping well i think...he better be...because these days i'm...emotional...my determination is weaken...i keep looking for him...keep thinking about the past...keep wondering if i didn't do that that time..what would happen now...haih...

fireworks...:(

thought tonight could enjoy the beauty of that fireworks...but then..i felt tired to drive..and my mom thinks it's inappropriate to go since the road is wet..i don't feel safe to drive at night too..
i think my body needs a lot of attention during the holiday eh...i really think i should go to the doctor to check my eyes, my chest and my teeth...anyone wanna go with me?? sometimes i still get nervous and scared when it's my turn to see the doctor..

revision week is starting..meaning time for me to keep fit..this time for sure i've become bigger..can feel it..the feeling is strong..which makes me so self-conscious...my auntie keeps cooking for us...especially night time...my mom and i are saying we'll start our diet plan next week..when my uncle and auntie return to labuan..

tomorrow going to the trip with dr charles...hope i'll enjoy it...this year i begin to feel the urge to know more about my country..and i think i need to strengthen my malay speakings...so i can talk with anyone anywhere anytime...

i got dozed off when i was watching tv just now..too tired...almost declined to shower...hehe of course lah i did shower...i'm the type who dont feel comfortable if i take less than 2 showers per day...twice is already the minimum eh...morning and night...i think i have very low chance of getting sick..looks like that though...because i'm health-conscious...hehe but that's because i want to look good...a sick person can never look her best i think...and i really hate to get dizzy easily..it's annoying when i think of last time when i got mild low blood pressure..

tomorrow mimi also invites me to go raya with them...i'll see what i can do...wish to go out with them..wish to join lee shi them also...but also wish to get enough rest...and open house eh...bad bad for my diet plan..
anyone want to go to gym during the holiday?? we can go together oh...i'm thinking about the gym at jpmc...that's the only one i'm familiar with...
i really hope one day i can accept every single weakness of mine..and feel happy about it..
not like now..i find faults easily in myself..

i think i should sleep early tonight..maybe i read my magazine first...haven't even gone through half of it eversince i bought it last week...good thing though...meaning shorter time for me to wait for the next cleo...hehe..

i must remember to ask for the map to mizah's place tomorrow...just in case i'm coming...

no title

supposed to be in bed now...since exam is coming..i should get enough sleep and rest before i start studying...but i just have that desire to post something here...

a step, second step, third step...step by step...glad that i'm moving on...at the same time, a bit sad because i'm getting further and further from our past...

just now had a long talk with mama...time seemed to fly when we talk...miss the time we all hang out together at her place...eating lots of keropok and watching miseri...

honestly...i miss the time when i have a boyfriend...at least a crush...then i won't be so lost....i still haven't got used to single life...most of the time i'm ok with it..thanks to the study and other things and people in my life...but i guess i'm the type who look forward to have someone to share both my ups and downs...as a lover....i'm pisces after all...
i don't like to let my feeling suspending in the air...i never like to be alone...i like to know that someone else share the same heart beat with me...wish that i could have someone to hug me to make me warm..

sometimes i'm ignorant...on purpose...so i don;t have to know who and who are not as good as i used to think...just like an ostrich...

still have a lot to say..still a lot to type..but...the words only hanging in my mind...just can't reach my fingers...

*blank*

wish to drink beer...can't even remember when was the last time i drank...maybe 2 or 3 years ago...

tomorrow i'm going to mama's place...bringing my cousin along with me..let him see what's the difference between hari raya here and in labuan..sorry lizzy..i should've waited for you..nevermind...next time when you want to go..if can't find anyone..we can go together...ask mimi also...think mama won't mind one lah..
then very likely tomorrow i'll bring my auntie and his son to try korean dishes...wish to bring them to tasek merimbun also...show them our Brunei's own heritage...

lizzy..hope you're feeling fine...

sometimes i think i've put on lots of weight..sometimes i think i'm still fine...

is this the end for us?? things will still change in the future i guess..

i observe almost every couple...then feel like their sweetness affected me and makes my day brighter...it's such a nice feeling to see couples deeply in love around me every day...makes me believe love is everywhere...love means hope...:)

swait zin..are you ok?? take care..and cheer up oh..you're coming home soon...can see your family soon..so should be happy ah...:)

hmmm..sleepy

a lot of things to say..but...too many till i don't know how to start...
have a feeling like...i've gone through a lot of things....and concluded that i want to leave all the unhappy things behind and move on....

often, i keep things inside me..not because i don't want to share...it's because what i think is different from people around me...and i've had enough with expression like saying 'are you nut?' on people face whenever i share my view...it's a bit lonely though when i'm the only one who think this or that way...but i'm happy with my own opinions...it's just fake if i change my own point of view just to feel 'fit in'...if no one understand me now, someone will in the coming future..

i have plan for my future...plan that is different from before, because it's for myself..not 'us'...

sorry lizzy..i keep forgetting to pass the gifts to the others...but i'll make sure they get it..

feel a bit listless now...probably too tired...haven't had enough sleep since last week..my uncle and auntie are here..together with their son....from labuan...it's nice having them here....my auntie is great cook...that is why i've put on quite a lot of weights...and now..a bit fed-up with heavy food...if can...i only want plain porridge for every meal now...

wish to go shopping...want to buy jeans and few more tops...don't want to have exams yet...

my japanese oral test was fine...sensei said i did very well....although i almost got tongue-tight..
not in the mood for study these days...japanese class is the only class i look forward to..
thank god i've done the presentation for english last week so i dont have to prepare anything for tomorrow..
a good news- i feel fine to be alone again...i don't mind if people can't fit me into their schedule...everyone has his/her own life to be busy with...all i need to learn is self-dependent...then i'll be ok at all time...shouldn't expect too much from friends...should learn that everything and everyone changes with time...including myself...
people said i look better now with the extra flesh on my cheeks...still i need to watch out for my diet...because i think i've put on too much weight...more than enough....since i've bought the outfits for the chinese new year..i must maintain...i've bought only skirts..and high heels...so it's going to be different from the past few years...can't wait for it to come...

for some people...i might sound sad or what here..but please...never never think i'm depressed...i'm perfectly fine ok..

have you ever come across some people which you have to hurt them to wake them up? i'm sure you do...

swait zin is coming back soon..hehe..can go eat at nihongo no restoran together...haha..did i say i want to watch out for my diet just now?? :p

staying up late

lizzy hope you're having fun in kl...mimi, happy raya..you bad old lady..still haven't replied my sms since evening...swait zin...take care, don't push yourself too much oh..

haih...

people've been telling me i've become chubby now..especially my face...this time i'm not worried..because whoever said that, the next sentence that came after that is 'but you look better this way'....for the first time..people pointed out to me that i was too thin...i mean.people beside mimi and lizzy...really wish to ask him one question..but he isn't online...

feel tired...been going out quite a lot..since thursday night...feel like i haven't rested for a long time...have to do the bio essay and chem revision..not in the mood for study today...

met jason today...for the first time after we broke up, we talked face to face for each other...although i talked more with sherman..the feeling..is..something i don't know how to put in words...relieved because i didn't cry...shed few drops of tears because we're no longer couple now...glad that we can talk to each other that way...sad because of the helplessness i feel..

i always forget to draw a line between boyfriend and friend...which end up hurting myself...still trying to live up to his standard...but slowly i'm coping with my single life...

the more i discover myself..the more i think i'm difficult to get along..

haih...

actually i should be feeling happy now..because..i've got myself a new pair of high heels slipper...bought myself 5 skirts altogether in just 2 days...altgether not even reaching $100..people compliment on my appearance...i've completed the computing project on time...people praise on my taste of clothing..i don't have to worry that i don't have new clothes for chinese new year..even have new baju for this raya...

the only way i should learn now is..stop looking at myself through jason's eyes i guess..

saturday night..SHE with me

everytime when i watched the concert of SHE..at the beginning, i'll sing and dance along...then when it came to the part where they sing about friendship..like 'mo li', 'always on my mind'...i feel touched...those songs...always remind me of lee shi and mimi...it's like...i know i can just be myself...if anyone hate me for that...i still won't be alone...because i have you two...
maybe i hven't reached the stage when there's really no one else who love me except myself kua..so i can say that..

today i went to school...wish to know what caused the accident that took away wani's life...but i didn't ask...because it's like pointless now to know...because she's gone..so uni feels different to me today...but i know very soon..i'll get over it...we didn't really spend that much time together..hope she could rest in peace..and her family can cope with it smoothly...especially her husband...

everytime..after i heard any severe accidents, it'll make me drive slowly for a while before i start speeding again...but so far..i never go beyond 120...unless emergency....i'm the type of people who like to take their time easily...
human nature yeah...something happen will affect you but you tend to get numb to it after some time...i felt numb..when i saw my father with his 'wife' 2 or 3 days ago...except that i wish they didn't see me...

eversince i broke up with jason...saturday night would be spent at home...watching tv..online..read and sleep...i was thinking to do nail polish..but i'm never good at it..so nevermind...i planned to finish the bio report tonight..but didn't do it...lazy...just collecting some info for my computer project...then that's it...
everyone's out..except the maid...so it's quiet here...
wish to go shopping again...because i didnt buy any clothings or shoes yesterday..but i stock in a lot of instant noodles...as usual...

swait zin..cheer up *hugs*
i don't promise that i can help you with any of your problems...also not that i'll be there for you every time...but i do hope you can feel optimistic about your life...you know..you're luckier than most people...i think people living in brunei are all luckier than other people in other countries..now lah...this year i start to love my country..finally...hehe..

till here lah...time to change to dics 3..night everyone..sweet dreams

what a .... day

the presentation was ok...i wasn't as nervous as i expected...mainly because at that time my mind was preoccupied by wani's death..

wani was one of my classmates last semester in the genetic course...it's a huge shock when tek ying told me about her this morning..i know life isn't always predictable...also know that a person's life can be taken very easily...but knowing it and feeling it is completely different...for the first time i feel like..life is sooo fragile...
that's why i wanted to get over the presentation quickly...lost the mood to present...her face keep poping up in my mind...instead of those skulls i talked about..
but i control my emotions quite well...felt not so sad after few presentations...but when dr charles announced the news to us..it triggered my tears so bad...
the picture of me and her sitting in front of fos chit-chatting about her marriage..and at the fos foyer when she assured me about the field course....they are all still fresh and clear in my mind and now she's gone..forever...just before hari raya...
that's life....but this news makes me hesitate about having children next time...
choi!*

sorry lizzy...caused you to come back to tutong alone just now...i should've told you earlier that i planned for a shopping trip today...i was irresponsible to leave lizzy alone this afternoon..feel guilty when i was on my way back from tutong....but at that time..i was really reluctant to come home...wish to be surrounded by people...i feel like i abandon you lah...the guilt is in me...but i feel exhausted and erm...don't know...like no energy to do anything about it...
just finished forcing myself to finish the chem assignment..

recently..nothing attracts me...now..when i say i love my study...the sincerity in it is a question..haih..

holiday sick

just now while i was driving home from uni..i kept thinking that...lee shi and mimi..almost never say no to me...when i search through the memories...everytime when i suggest or request anything...their answer is always yes...and how lagging i am to realise now...
you guys have spoiled me :p

just now saw sal and zul...they're so sweet..mimi and lini also very sweet..and then i feel so sweet too when seeing them...hehe...

tomorrow have to present..oh my gosh!! i'm nervous...more nervous than the time i did my sp presentation...when dr charles said he'll see whether we understand what we present from our talk...he makes me even anxious...always like this...scared to present..also look forward to it..

i feel a bit stress when i think of exam...like..the time is so short..i have lots and lots of things to prepare for it...haih...why the exam always come so soon and holiday always takes so long to come...

yesterday i felt so down....but the more unhappy it is..the more i feel reluctant to mention and write it down...

i should sleep early...i overslept again this morning...this week..i didn't even realise when i did i silent the alarm....

i put on weight lor...erm..not really...but true lah i think i look bigger now...especially my arms...have to watch out for my diet lor...hari raya coming...then exam...then chinese new year...ohh no~ big threat coming towards me...all those mean more food...
i don't mind to stop slimming down but i mind a lot if i get fatter..even by only a tiny bit..

well...

*hugs* lizzy...you know...it's impossible for us to forget you...unless something happened and i lost my memory..or else...it's hard...
i think i'm a bit back to the time in secondary school...keep everything to myself...especially about my love life..because i can't let too many people know about us...then me and mii and lee shi seldom meet...as time goes on...i become er..keep eveything to myself..and more and more people know about this blog..makes me conscious on what i say here...

it's like..no matter how close 2 friends are....when they don't communicate well...misunderstandings will still happen...but the sweet thing about it is...no matter what...you know you can always count on the other person...:)
i love you lizzy and mimi~~

i was so confident on sunday afternoon that i'm moving on...but yesterday we're discussing should we start again..and today...we decide it's not the right timing yet...
there'll be time when i know it's over...but other time i'll want him back...haih...

feel lazy today...don't feel like doin anything..and indeed..i didn't do anything...not a good day...

feel so sweet when i see mimi and lini...also other couples...
guess i still need some time to adapt to single life...

i'm fine everyone

i know it's impossible to ask you people not to care about whatever i typed here...and i feel very sweet whenever i see your comments...they always remind me that im not alone...thanks people...love you guys..

just now..i chatted with him...i asked a question...which i thought his answer will make me feel comforted...but i was wrong...his answer hurt me...but it;s a good one...although i feel angry with him...i don't blame him..i'm the ridiculous one....and thanks to him..i feel like..awaken up from a sleep or dream...
now i'm very determined...as determined as i was on the night of my 17th birthday..the night i completely give up on esmond....
his words hurt me....because the words indirectly showed that this is the end...
but also because of that...i know it's really the time i should move on...i won't daydream anymore..
of course i'm a bit sad...but compare to sadness...there's more relieve....
maybe he doesn't need me anymore....maybe i just miss the time when i have a bf...
no matter what...the fact now is we're just friends...maybe we can still be close friends..but definitely not now...not yet....we both need time to recover...
one week of feeling sad and listless...enough for me...my life has other things which i'm sure are better than drowning myself with sadness..
i'm confident that from now on..i'll really move on..maybe i'll still be sad at times...maybe will still cry...but..that's just part of healing....also part of growing up...really eh..i feel like i've grown up a bit today...hehe...
i really hope he can move on without much difficulties too...

a day off..yeah right

finally finished with my sp essay...i was struggling while writing it because i had difficulty to write up to 2500 words...and i ended up with 2600+ words...usual case...

i got a feeling lizzy is not in brunei now..or else how come no reply from her for my sms...
i went to the beach with mimi and anna just now...first time going to the Penanjong beach...erm..the beach there is more 'primitive' than the Seri Kenangan Beach...but that's what makes it special..lots of natural features..and we saw a dangerous house..it was located right next to a sliding slope...looks as if it'll be washed down if there's a landslide occur...*touchwood
i felt like we're all so tiny when standing on the beach there...got a feeling like...i'm a small small girl in a big big world...
last night i forgot about the trip to the beach this morning..so i did my essay till quite late...but i managed to wake up and get ready earlier before anna picked me up...after i'm home..i started with my essay again...maybe too much stress on my brain..so felt headache...almost decline to go to i lotus with my family lor...
while in the end..i still went with them...well..a bit disappointed with their food...alright the food there is more special...got their unique style...but that's just the look..for me..the most important thing of a food is the taste...and the i lotus cook failed to impress me with the taste of the food...but the appearance and freshness of the ingredient are excellent though...i highly recommend the place to those couple who don't mind the food and want a romantic atmosphere..provided they have enough money in their pockets...
if it were before..i'd tell jason..dear..next time we go together ah...

don't worry swait zin..i'm fine...i know what i'm doing...i've been trying to cheer up eversince breaking up with him...now i just need to take a break...isn't that common for people who just lost their bf or gf?? they would enjoy the sadness jua...making themselves feel more depress than they actually are...i'm just going with the trend...
we both are unhappy..and we both know the immediate remedy is get back together...but we also know that the quick remedy is only temporarily effective...
i hate to think that me and him are going to become 2 parallel lines...

these days i feel listless...i just do what i need to do..just do my own things...try to avoid additional responsibility at home...in school...try to avoid anything that require me to move...
this is all transition period...i guess...i just lost interests in everything...i don't feel like to cook..don't feel like going out...not because can't find a companion or what...i just come to realize tonight that..it's because the person i used to do these things with has left me... but life still has to go on...i wish this mood can leave me as soon as possible...

i wish to have a long holiday so i can really spend time with myself..to do something i really want...haih...

...

broke up with him for about a month now...and i'm so lagging..because i only start to feel sad now...only begin to feel that he's really not longer mine...
i can't lie with myself anymore...every time...unconsciously..i pretended that the wound is not there...nothing has ever happened except the title of our relationship...we just change from couple to friends...and the rest of the things would still be the same...how naive had i been...i just pretended that everything is perfect for me...i still have his love...still chat with him every night..still allow myself to miss him, care for him and rely on him as before...just because he said i can still tell him everything..i told him every up and down in my life...how blunt i was...i make him listen to me every night about my life...comforted him when he's down...do everything i think a girlfriend should do...haih...
i have to stop that now...because all of the things i do are hurting him...and also myself...i never really face the ugly fact...i wasn't really fine...but i just convinced myself that i'm fine...
his words and feelings still can affect me...although i know i shouldn't have bothered about it anymore...
i had been selfish...i lied to myself that things are ok for me...and take advantage of him just to make myself better...i know he doesn't blame me...maybe he never will...but i hate myself for that...i know he's not coping it well..yet i keep bugging around him...even told him things like i miss him..things i'm not supposed to say..have no right to say anymore...

it's already the 4th day of this week..yet i still can't cheer myself up...i lost interest in my study...lost the patience with my niece...my mind is fully packed with how i feel and how he feel and how i make him feel...

i really really wish i could help him feel better...but..i know this is not a good time...i should let him get over it by himself...just like i should get over it by myself too...
it's really hard to ignore him...and even harder to be ignored by him...

i'm lost now...it'..normal right??

i think i've put on extra pounds of fats..especially on my upper arms....of course i assume people will roll their eyes when i say that...but it's true ah...i think i'll volunteer for dr charles's field work...just to keep myself busy...

i miss him..really..especially these days...i can't stop thinking about him..but i don't feel like doing anything about it...but i think this wont last long...when i get fed-up with feeling down..i'll pull myself together and get over it..like i usually do...i really wish we're still together...but i know what's the reality now...we can never be together again...unless his parents approve...provided we still have feelings for each other by that time...haih...i still can't make up my mind to forget him...all i can do..is learn to live with the situation now...everything will be fine once i got used to it....right...
all my optimistism has gone...let me be...

my laptop is here

yeah i'm blogging now using my new laptop..it's small...i think it'll take me a while to get used to the size of the keyboard before i can type fast as usual..hehe..but i feel so proud and i love it..because i buy it with my own money..every dollar every cent is from myself..even the things on the screen are small...feel..erm..fresh about it..hehe..

last night it turned out that only me and masniah went to linda's...farhana was there too with thirah and as..not sure her name...at first i felt a bit worried..wonder what can i talk with masniah..because we normally don't talk much in a group..but i was worrying too much..we talked non-stop eh..from laptop..to uncle..to study..and bfs...if you don't want to listen to me talking about me and jason..then dont mention it...i can go on and on..
i miss him..miss everything about him...and..i'm not afraid to admit that...

i don't think i'll bring my laptop to school soon..erm..don't plan to bring it unless i find a suitable bag for it which i really like..plus...at the moment..don't really need it..sometimes i really think one of the main reasons i buy this laptop is because people bring their laptop to school every day..and i just want to follow the trend...and i don't feel regret at all lah buying it...
i only learnt today that $1000 is the maximum amount you can withdraw each time and each day you can only withdraw $2000 from your account..and not more...

haih...till here lah...not feeling so right tonight

sunday morning

don't worry lizzy..i'm very fine now ah...and that day...i knew that if i want to go..i can voice out..don't think you guys will turn me down if i say i want to go...but..you're right...i wouldn't want to go...only occasionally i'll want to go out at night...i don't feel safe or right when i'm still out at night...once in a while ok lah...and i never like driving alone at night..partly because i can't see clearly...last time even when me and jason went out..we'll feel like we need to go home before 12 midnight...
and i think the way i felt..normal lor for someone who just broke up...when i was in love..of course will tend to neglect my friends..so after break up...naturally have to catch up lah...and i do wish to hang out with different friends too other than tek ying and her group..but same problem lah..the timetable...only she has the most similar schedule with me...
i think that day..wednesday..i was feeling down...so a tiny thing became huge for me...so don't have to say sorry lah...if i want..all i need is take initiatives...but that's just not me kua...i prefer to get familiar with people or become a part of a group naturally...then now my laptop is coming...and library is a good place for pasting time...come to think of it..i can never get bored in school even if i'm alone...depend on how i interpret the situation lah...
hehe..i'm always cheerful..and i really like this part of me...although sometimes i still will wonder is there anything wrong with me...you know...sometimes i really wonder will i unconsciously hurt other people's feelings or do or say anything spoiling....that kind of thing lah..when you start to have doubts in yourself when you don't have people around you...but that's only happen when i'm not in the right mood...most of the time..i won't think that much...UBD is not the only place i can make friends...and when i don't have companions in school, doesn't mean i can't find any outside...people like ah fei always complain that i don't look for him...sz will welcome my mail too..wonder is it a habit or what..i just prefer to solve my problems by myself...no one knows better than i do what i really want...and it's up to me kua to decide right or wrong....i can't please everyone...and i think the first person i need to please is myself...
i really like whoever that said if you want people to love you or love other people, you have to love yourself first...
that's really true...if you can't even take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of others...

last night i read a novel...almost everytime when i read a novel, romance one lah..i'll wish i could have a bf like that in the story...i feel tired of taking care of people...really hope someone can take care of me..or at least share some of my responsibilities...last time i got jason...but now..everything is on my own..

a bit..erm..less satisfied with last night lah actually...everytime when we go red chili..we'll joke and laugh a lot with mimi and lini..but last night..completely different...and i hope mama didnt feel bored too...poor mama..having stomache....and we're eating little by little each time we go there eh...wonder good or bad...didn't have time to talk with josh too...and his friend...erm..like..a feeling of not sure if everyone was happy last night....but i had a nice time lah...feel proud because we don't need lini to barbeque for us hehe :p..then..i enjoy listening to people's conversation..not secretive one lah..and i just realized that..i don't judge people anymore...unless that person does something that is really out of normal..like the 2 juniors talking beside me yesterday..i just feel a bit irritated by their criticism about my uni and my lecturers...i find UBD ok jua..good enough for people here...if they're so unhappy with the uni here...why bother to study here..and if not mistaken, one of them actually get allowance from the government eh...

oh yeah lizzy..last night were you planning to go elsewhere?? actually i erm..a bit intentionally didn't want to come back late..because the first time i sent you home at night..i was shaking with fear when i drove home alone..passing the dark area without any lights....but last night was ok..
i didn't feel that scared...so i think i've grown up liau..hehe...
true ah..now jeans are not my only option when going out lor..i prefer skirts..and high heels...and also i start to enjoy using perfume...i think true star for women smell nice...for men also nice..

later i'm going to linda's place...i hope i didn't scare her eh..i kept on talking yesterday when i saw her at hua ho...she just caught me at my talking mood kali..hehe

lazy day..

i didn't do anything today....which makes me a bit guilty...but nevermind...nothing urgently need to be done...i still have time tomorrow i think..while waiting for lizzy..and also between the japanese class and plant tutorial...as long as i'm alone then i can start with my work lor..if someone's with me..i'll probably end up talking....that's why a lot of the times i agree with dr marcus..he'll advise his students not to hang out with friends all the time..his theory works for me eh..

just now went to the mall with my mom and fook..the atm broke down there so can't get any money...but i ended up buying 2 pairs of shoes..paid by my mom...about $100...also bought a shirtdress kind of outfit..and i finally realized something i've been missed out all the time...i always mind so much about the price..no wonder i can never find something i really want...
and today..it's like..i don't want to care how much will i be left with after paying for the laptop..i'll just spend on things i want and are useful...i really like those 2 pairs of shoes..very nice...and i'll wear them for the chinese new year...now begin to hope chinese new year will come as soon as possible..hehe..in december..i'll either work or rest..most likely will rest kua..since been so tired during school term...and also since i plan to find a part time job next year..so better rest..recharge myself during the holiday....as for the money...can always earn them back later ah...since..i'm not wasting my money..i'm using it on good stuffs...i'm fed-up with myself for being a money-slave lor..

went to bk udal...bring back a number of novels with me...that's a good way for me to reduce my stress...hehe...planning to read one later before i sleep...poor eyes of mine...
i'm curious eh...why oh..lizzy read more books than me..but you don't wear specs...hm..unfair eh..

yea~today i got to drink avocado milkshake...better than the one i bought from chill v last time..that one was like..milk without avocado eh..next time in the holiday..i'll try to make that avocado radish salad...and no-na-me salad...

can't decide for a hairstyle..should i trim or not...

look forward to tomorrow eh...i remember liau..i think i've nevr gone sungkai in bandar with any of my friends eh...and so nice..linda got the scholarship to UK...i envy her eh..because she can travel with flight...for long hours lagi...i want to travel with flight also lah~

after shower...before dinner

feel a lot better today...in fact..yesterday was just like a dream...one of my moody days...
but jason was so sweet..he listened and comforted me..and also assure me that there's nothing wrong for me to be myself...so last night chat was basically all about my feelings...paiseh paiseh
and i was right...i wasn't considerate enough..and too self-centred....but no harm feeling so once in a while i guess..i'm not perfect...
i'm fine today...maybe because i don't expect anything from anyone....sometimes i don't take initiatives anymore..because i'm afraid of rejection...and whatever i don't do for other people, i won't make myself to expect them doing it for me...

had a nice time reading in the library just now before lunch time...i read a book titled 'Save the Panda'..it motivated me a lot...i also discovered a lot of interesting facts about panda...tempting me to work for a conservation unit next time...
it would be nice if people in brunei are as aware as people in china about their endangered animals..brunei too have a lot...like the clouded leopard, siamese crocodile, sea egret..so on...arowana is also one of the endangered species...but most people either don't care..or don't know...only a small percentage really go and do something about it...and hehe..in our environmental policy tutorial, we always criticized how slow is brunei's government...our country really needs a section that works on conservation....

talking about animals..finally~ i have puppies at my house...they're Cookie, Tina and Rachel...but i don't take care of them lah...usually my maid or my brother take care of them..i just give them a hand when i have free time and i'm not tired...
if there's anything i learn from my sis's marriage, it's the difficulty about having children and raise them up....for me..having a pet is like having my own kids...and i'm not that responsible for tht yet...but i like touching the dogs...

i'm afraid i'm getting the coughing back...hope no but my throat has been feeling irritating these few nights...

wonder is saturday sungkai jadi or not..i'll sms mimi later...i can't remember when's my last time having sungkai dinner with friends...hope lizzy them have a nice time...they're going out for sungkai i think...

how many times in a day we assume things and believe our assumption is the reality...

this saturday there's no practical..which make the weekend more free than usual...and makes me feel weird...but i think i have to get both animal and plant report done by this weekend..so i only have to prepare for the tutorial on envt. policy on monday...so eventhough nothing urgent to do..i still can't make myself relax..unless it's the long holiday...i'm restless sometimes..or most of the time...hmm..

don't wanna be alone today..

i think..one of the things i'll think of when i think of my uni life next time is loneliness...erm..maybe that's too strong a word to describe how i feel..but today..i really find being alone unbearable...feel like everyone has abandoned me....i guess i'm just too tired...
usually i can amuse myself when i'm alone...i always manage to make myself enjoy the moment i have even if alone..even if no one to talk or accompany me...but today..all those ability left me..
after handed in the testpapers..i waited..eventhough i don't know what and who am i waiting for...and then i realized i shouldn't be waiting...because no one has the time for me...some busy with their own work..some just left with other friends..and waved at me happily...
i thought shopping could make me feel better...but it only made me feel worse...thinking that i've spent so much..althought those are all things i need and have been planning to buy...maybe i shouldn't buy them all at one go...
sometimes i think i'm too demanding on tek ying...how can i expect her to accompany me for lunch...she doesn't have proper lunch..and she got her own things to do also...but sometimes i really can't control myself..i feel like i've helped her as much as i can..and she's not being the same back to me...i should be more considerate towards her...plus..she has her own group of close friends too...although i join them..that doesn't make any difference i guess...

am i the only one feeling so...so far..when i think of uni...what come to my mind would be..study, learn to be alone, pimples and weight loss due to stress...haih...

i blame all to the exhaustion..eversince the beginning of this second half semester...i haven't taken any proper rest...i feel like i've pushed myself to the limits...my legs are not strong enough to walk as fast as before even in the morning....i definitely have done a lot of brisk walking this sem....now if anyone ever say CLT is far from FOS...i'll just shrug and give no comment...because i dont longer agree with that...
i'm ruining my health i guess...insufficient sleep and rest...junk food...heavy dinners...i know i've been too tired...because my chest starts to feel weak again...if i remember..i'll go for a cardio check-up during the holiday next time..always experience that 'heaviness' on my chest when i don't have enough sleep...sometimes will have shortness of breath also...

guess i have problem with mingling with people...or i'm just being fussy...
at the moment..i really think the best thing is get back that cheerful attitude of mine..then alone or not will not matter to me...after saying all the unhappy things out..i really think i was just being ridiculous...and sometimes i wonder why do i bother so much with companion...just because others have their fixed group of friends??

sometimes i really feel proud of myself..no matter how sad or angry i am...i never forget that how fortunate i am...to be who i am..to live in this part of the world..to be in this family...and to have all the love i have....i can't ask for anymore...

i guess i didn't do as good as i did for the previous chem test...but i was too tired to bother...plus my mind was preoccupied by the listlessness too...
hopefully this weekend i can get some rest...i miss holiday...miss the time i don't have to think about any unfinish assignments....wonder do i really want to work during december...

bedtime post

supposed to go to bed now..but got something to say before i forget..

*HUGS* mimi..don't worry...that disappointment will only help you improve more next time... ask your sayang to give you more comfort lah...which i'm sure he has done...look at it from a brighter view...life is not perfect..you can't always guarantee you can do perfect job everytime..but you can always make sure you learn from where you trip and fall...plus..you've got the report to pull up your grade right? so it's not that bad ah...so..gambate gudasai~ !!!

hey swait zin..i love the picture on your blog..it's soo lovely...like that violet colour..makes me envy you guys eh can watch such awesome scenery there...take more pictures like that...

and..hehe...thanks Lizzy *hugs* i love you...thanks for approaching me today in the library...makes me feel..erm...comforted...hehe..although it's a bit silly to feel this way..i just can't help it...guess i always think too much and erm...worry too much...it just feel so warm and sweet...because i was a bit listless...i still am though..don't know why..maybe it's sunday yesterday..

the espeed wasn't working for whole day yesterday and today...normally we met on sunday..but yesterday when i can't even chat with him..it worried me...feel so not-connected with him...and it feels hurt to know he's not happy...i want we both to be happy..i want myself to do well in study...or else i'll regret for letting go of the relationship...i want to make that giving up worth..

and i don't feel like telling people that i'm single now..even when people mentioning about my bf...in some ways..i still behave like i'm not single...just don't think i need to change that much...in fact, i don't mind people to think i'm still with him...as long as that person has nothing to do with his parents....
at times..i feel isolated....but i'm doing fine..

i remember i've been eating a lot of chocolate recently...and eating a lot of heavy meals too...but why people still tell me i've slim down..noi even used the word skinny...it makes me feel insecure...like..there's nothing wrong with my body right...as in my health...skinny is definitely not the adjective i'd like to hear on me...

i probably buy nokia 3120...since repairing my phone may cost $100+ so might as well buy a new one...3120 now cost $185..heard my mom said..see lah..

time to sleep..can't delay anymore...have dissection tomorrow..and yet..this time..wednesday is not a holiday...in fact..have a test on that day...hm..busy busy..no wonder i feel tired of studying now...

first day of school since fasting :p

surprisingly no change in the time table this year during fasting time..good for me since a lot of my classes this sem are during lunch hours..especially jap class...if they change the time..i'll probably have to do one-on-one make up class with minako sensei for my saturday 12 to 1 class..don't think i'll have time after the practical on saturday for any other class..

lizzy..were you expecting to lunch out with me just now?? sorry oh...i went out to kiulap straight away after the english class...was afraid to be late for my jap class at 1..because i didn't know at that time how long would i spend at netcom looking at the laptops...turned out that i reached school before 12.30..and managed to solve my lunch in the car quickly...
also these days..erm..maybe to make myself feel better...i always tell myself...you have nisa with you....so..i only remember maybe you want to lunch out with me when i'm on the highway...soo sorry...next time yeah..when i don't have class during lunch hours..maybe monday..if you don't have practical till 3..
and..unconsciously..i'm trying to be as polite as i can when with you...don't know..haven't got the time to sort it out...can't say i don't feel the distance but..i accept it...like..i feel easier to talk with you through our blogs...just like before....maybe we didn't hang out much so whenever we meet now...it's either study or we'll jst joke about nothing...like just now..i felt a bit awkward after i told you that i'm buying laptop lah...when i told tek ying about it..it's an exciting news...but when told you, feel like..not a big deal...like..why am i mentioning it at first place...
it's one of the best feelings in the world to know no matter how things going on between us, me you and mimi, i know i can count on you guys whenever i need you guys...:)

of course..i have a lot more of people who are willing to listen to me when i have problems..but..not all of them make me feel comfortable to share ups and downs with them..

oh yeah..don't worry about my cuts...it's very minor actually..i asked for plaster because i couldn't stop the bleeding...and dr charles had made it looked serious than it really was...what to do..when you can't find a simple plaster in a first-aid box....:P

and yup..i'm buying laptop..finally~
been wanting to buy one since erm..last year? or longer than that?? who knows...
but everytime i told myself i don't have that much money...this time..i just determined i've had enough with the heavy laptop of my sis...plus..most of the things..like wireless, USB port...what i'll need when at school..are external...which add on the weight...so this time i just quickly made up my mind and put it into action before the excitement faded...i'm buying Dell 1.8 700m...not exactly the size i prefer...but it's light..if i plan to bring it to school with me, it has to be easy and convenient to carry...and most of the things i want is inside...plus..i rather adjust myself to its side than buying other brands which are much more expensive..and no guarantee of the quality..
i don't know much about notebooks though..i just listen to my bro-in-law's advise...he said only app. 5 out of 100 dell sold are returned for complaint..but..if acer..you have to rely on your luck..sometimes you get a good one but sometimes you'll go back to netcom soon for repair...the one josh recommended was nice..the size suit me..but it costs $600 more...
i think i'm getting better at buying things...most of the time now..it's not longer expensive or cheap..it's more worthed or not...

however...my mobile phone has problem with its screen...the people said it'll cost a lot to repair..
the warranty of my phone just over and now the problem come..why doesn't it happen earlier...then i can go back to the shop...now..i can only hope it won't cost that much to repair..or i can borrow a phone from my mom or brother or brother in law..since they have more than 1 phones...if not because i'm buying the laptop..i'd really consider about buying a new one...
i'd be left with less than a thousand in my account after paying for the laptop..if the allowance still doesn't come...
although my mom said i can borrow fook's money..i still prefer to buy it with my own money..it's such a bless to be able to use my own money to buy something i like..

saturday night..night?? or evening?

usually it's the night when me and him spend together...when i'm thinking about him..or talking about him with myself..i don't like calling his name...i wish i could still call him dear...but now..i can't..and i'll feel worse if i refer him as my used-to-be dear..
i miss him..especially when i'm free...sometimes i really feel proud of myself...to be able to take things so easily...like..it's been 2 weeks...i don't cry..because i know that will make me feel worse and lengthen the period of my 'healing'...but i do allow myself to shed tears...allow myself to look back at what we had done..and gone through together....i don't hate his parents..never did...i appreciate their care for him...i really think their intention is good...but they just approach him the wrong way...i'm proud of him too..because he loves his parents...i don't lie to myself when i'm not happy...and i don't think i'm making use of the study to keep my mind busy..because the study is indeed busy enough...i don't even have time to make use of them..
i don't lie to him too when i miss him...and i still tell him what my plan next day...

for adults who have my respect..i'll listen to them..because...i believe they know a lot more about life than me..just like most of our mothers and grandparents...they might not know the theory but a lot of things..they know it..with their own explanation and reasoning..and that's only come from experience..sometimes i really wish i could reach my 50s or 60s..and then i'll sit down..and tell my life stories to my next generation..hehe...

i don't know..maybe i still judge my own figure based on his view...a habit dies hard kua...sometimes i think i look good..but sometimes..when i reckon i've eaten a lot more than enough..or a lot of junk fatty food..i'll start to worry...hm...i'll need some time to stop thinking thin is pretty kua..or it's not only his fault..those magazines and tv show i read and watch also have impact on me kua...
but aftr mimi's comment..and lizzy's..i feel less worried...and less obsess with my body fats kua..
oh yeah..mimi..i don't take the tea every day lah..only when i think i've eaten a lot..or too oily stuffs...and i want to make sure i don't feel full when i go to sleep...hm..it's more to do with convincing myself that it's ok to sleep and eat kua...
hey i know i've gone a bit over with it...see how lah...it's a great temptation when i can fit in clothes that i couldn't before...like..from size XL to size M...keeps me motivated...but i won't get too slim lah..i plan to stop taking the tea often lor..or else i'll never make myself to exercise...
hehe..lizzy...find a companion to jog..then it's likely you'll stick to it...someone like me...hehe..me too wish to jog...but everytime just cancel the plan last minute...since i'm alone..there won't be any harm if i don't jog...but i think i'm clever enough...since i don't exercise so often now..i try to walk as much as i can and as fast as i can when in school...that's why i like saturday morning class..keeps me awake with all those brisk walking...

i'm getting darker...:(
not a problem though...i think if too fair won't look healthy as well...
i think i just limit myself to 2 or 3 shopping trips each month...good for my account..and thanks to driving..i shop less...when i think of i have to drive..lazy to go lor..i never like driving..but the idea of it prevent me from going shopping..makes me like it a bit...

honestly..i can't think of any reason why i shouldn't be happy with my life...maybe my family is a bit shaky...my love life has come to a temporary stop...and my study takes too much of my time..but none of them is a problem...because i feel closer to my family now..and we are more united than ever...although i don't have bf now..i haven't lost him...i just have one more close friend..and i have more time for my study and for myself...although sometimes my study makes me want to cry..still my performance tell me all my effort worthed...i find no reason to complain about my life...so i just stay happy and cheerful..slowly i can influence the people around me to be happy also i hope...smile is infectious..so is happiness i think...
although it sound..showy or boastful...i really find myself fortunate to have so many good people in my life...like..no matter what i did or where i go..i know there'll be people loving me...hm..sometimes i find it a bit frustrating plang...hehe :P

ok lah..want to go dinner lor..plan to sleep early tonight..and wake up early tonight..then can start on my assignments (i hope)..
my sunday is always boring..just staying at home...in fact..most of the time..when i don't have to go to school..i stay at home...only once in a while will i long to go out...i'm such a suitab;e person to be a full time housewife eh :p

sleepy 'cause of bio notes

i'm so sleepy..half of the day has passed and i have 6 more lectures to revise...too wordy eh..makes me want to sleep..so i'll take a break first...

mimi posted a comment for me!! erm..mimi only does that once in a while..so it's kind like..precious to me eh...
don't know why...whatever compliment given by mimi and lizzy sounds extremely convincing to me...

mom has gone miri...later have to pick fook up from link net..
if not because of the test..i'll probably shopping at the new Hua Ho or The Mall now..and i really think next friday i would stay at home too..doing essay for dr marshall..
i think..i like dr kam..for her personality..but i don't like her teaching..she makes everything difficult...i realised that during dr charles's lecture yesterday...i have to hurry with copying in both their lectures..but somehow..i remember what dr charles said...but blank about dr kam's lecture...i think..if not because of the copying..i'll probably get very sleepy during dr kam's lecture...just like the environmental policy lecture too...
hmm...are lectures supposed to make people drowsy??
sometimes i feel like crying when i think of all the works we have to do...but luckily i'm not the type who'll cry and run away from it...it's good for me to stay aware of the amount of works..so i won't procrastinate too much..hehe..that 'procrastinate' sounds so much 'swait zin'..he always uses that word...

he never listens to people eh...i feel so fed-up to convince him that i'm not depressed...plus..even if i'm sad..that's normal jua..i'll be worried if i feel happy now..with what's going on in my love life...but so far..i'm ok...the study keeps my mind busy enough..and..i get to know new friends..through tek ying...and eshyn is having cold now...and with the brunei grand sale going on..my mind will be occupied for quite a while eh...

yea..October is coming...so..new magazines are on their way to me...hehe ;)

on day like this..when i need to do heavy revision..i'll reward myself with something delicious..i'm having rosaidah..oppsss...roasted duck in my mind :p
craving for avocado shake also...

lizzy hope you're fine..i'm not cursing you ah..but it's true ah people get sick these days...my niece..even vassco got sick oh...
i saw his 'her' yesterday...at taman rakis...is that the right name for the place in front of CLT? whatever...she was playing guitar with her friends...hmm...for me..she's like a princess playing guitar lah...used to regard her as someone very feminine..and i potrait guitar as something for guys...hmm...biased view of mine...